Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Stop Humouring the Humourless

I’ve often wondered the purpose of laughter. In upper primates, it has been around for roughly six million years as a mechanism to show affection and playfulness, rather than aggression and threat and yes, gorillas actually laugh when relaxed and not being eaten by Ebola ridden Africans. We possess a genome dedicated to humour, hard-wired into our social psyche – a defence mechanism to protect us from horror and false and very real threats.
We entertain ourselves in what little free time we now possess with humour and comedy. We sit transfixed as comedians parody and lampoon the great and the good and rightly reward and honour those who expose their hypocrisy and duplicity. Whether Spitting Image, Private Eye, Viz Comic or Harry Enfield and Ting Tong, we delight as the pompous and humourless are held to account by the public. Those who would rather we didn’t are naturally furious but understand thankfully that in a free society, dissent takes many forms and laughter is one of the more harmless ones.
cartoonbrown
Our newspapers and online media are full of the most brutal political cartoons, designed specifically to offend the sensibilities of those who would rather we didn’t and simply accept their version of the planet, without question or due process of thought. I can’t think of a decent cartoonist who doesn’t receive death threats for having the audacity to point out hypocrisy. Our social and printed media is flooded with witty and satirical comments poking fun and questioning the messages our “betters” delight in broadcasting to us at every opportunity.
Compare and contrast if you will, against authoritarian societies where to even snigger at political criticism can and certainly will bring you anything from arrest to death. Regimes so insecure in their self appointed right to rule that to even entertain the thought of doubt out loud will have you branded a subversive, a seditionary, an enemy of the State or the collective to be denounced and destroyed.
Britain has a rich and illustrious history of satire. In 1695, the Government threw out the Press licensing act of 1692 designed to “prevent the frequent Abuses in printing seditious treasonable and unlicensed Bookes“ and the effect was startling. Publications could finally print critique of the ruling elite without fear of death, the public could, instead of rioting and killing in their frustration, simply laugh at the whole, ridiculous pantomime of it all. Others were not so lucky – the dictators of Europe were able to rise to unquestionable power simply because any mechanism using mass media to stop them was throttled – see the East German book of licensed jokes or Stalin’s Socialist Compendium of Satire to see where an ill timed chuckle could lead you. Unluckily for the subjects of such regimes, they failed to realise that to laugh publicly is to hold megalomaniacs to account. They were silenced by ruthless cowards who cannot accept rightful criticism in lieu of brutal oppression
Well, we’re all comedians now. We can tweet, write our own jokes, mock, jeer, lambaste and humiliate whomsoever we see fit – from the comfort of our own homes and with a few clicks of a mischievous mouse. We can expose hypocrisy, corruption, abuse of power and point the spotlight at the idiots who still feel they have the God given right to speak on our behalf. There are still those who will threaten to burn down our businesses or our houses because we may utter something they disagree with online or post a cartoon in a newspaper mocking their religion. There are still those in more brutal regimes who will shoot schoolchildren in the head for daring to have an alternative opinion than one written thousands of years ago, but we realise that they are quite, quite mad and very, very dangerous.
So go ahead and issue your fatwas, demand we be silenced, shriek and shriek until you are blue in the face that “you can’t say that, it’s offensive” because actually, yes, we can and yes, we will and your ilk have been proven to be the most dangerous people on the planet – those who cannot laugh, despite being genetically programmed by nature to do just that. To laugh is human – to crush free speech and humour is the work of inhuman monsters with no free will to ignore, or even better, counter argue or debate to defend your ridiculous position. We who can laugh will be watching you – you’ve already killed hundreds of millions in the name of an obedient, compliant, authoritarian silence that suited only you and now we will hold you to account, and ironically, this time we aren’t joking. From Pakistan to Anfield (yes, you’re reading this, aren’t you), from Syria to Martin Brunt, you will not silence us because we know how to have the one thing we were put on this planet to do – have fun.
offence
Here’s to the funny ones and sod the offended, no one is forcing you to listen to the beautiful sound of liberty, freedom and free speech; if you don’t like it or can’t face it or are too scared of the consequences to entertain it, don’t read it – that way lies the Gulag, Comrade.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Losing battles, but winning the war against Free Speech



You will have noticed the outrage this week by various interested parties over entertainers and comedians. Firstly Dapper Laughs (who he?) was driven to a virtual assisted suicide and has decided to become something else that doesn't offend the easily offended, then after ten years of mind bending cleverness, some guy manages to land a spacecraft on a comet and is forced to apologise for wearing a "sexist" shirt by the usual frothing, self loating Radical Feminists. Next up, another entertainer I've never heard of is denied a visa to the UK because he "chats up women" as if no man has ever done such a thing here and finally, a female celebrity who dared criticise IngSoc Ed Miliband on TV is hunted and abused by those who demand her immediate unemployment and silence in some grotesque attempt at McCarthyism in the UK 

Yes, it's depressing and pointless and the sight of the usual "champions of the uterus" claiming victory by shutting down free speech is galling, but let's look at the victories our free speech has actually achieved recently.

We can now talk about Pakistani grooming gangs without being hauled off to prison or placed on an "unemployable" blacklist. We can point our fingers at corrupt Politicians and have them removed from Child Sex Abuse inquiries, to the level that the State can no longer find anyone incorruptible to do the task. We stopped the UK going to war with Syria via social media, we can expose the lies and hypocrisy in seconds and we can laugh publicly in the faces of our corrupt press, Politicians, Parliament and Police. Taboos that we dare not speak out against are gone and whilst a few are still paying a very heavy price for the right to speak as they see fit, we are winning the fight against a select self appointed guardians of our morals. The Twitter mobs are failing as once they could hound an individual for speaking an unpopular truth, they are now held to account by millions of equal voices.

As regimes with no personal freedom are finding out, once the social media genie is out of the bottle, you cannot place it back. The pompous "social commentator" or "community leader" no longer speaks on our behalf, the distinguished "columnist" or "great thinkers" are no our spokespeople and most importantly of all, your representative in Parliament is no longer the representative of your voice or your beliefs. 

Expect many more casualties as the battle rages on, with unpopular views slowly becoming more vociferous (yes, free speech IS ugly) but expect transparency, accountability and intelligence levels to rise as instead of being lectured to by the chosen (and unelected few), we unleash the voices, hopes, opinions and aspirations of billions of individuals. 

Now that really will be a first for humanity - equal voices for all. About bloody time.



  

Monday, 10 November 2014

When the Walls come tumbling down



After having read this excellent piece by fellow seditionary Paul Staines on the fall of the Berlin Wall, I'd like to add my recollections of  living in Germany when the wall fell.

I was working in Frankfurt at the time, running some of the large mainframe computers for an American Bank. Unlike many of the ex pat community, I decided to immerse myself in local culture, learn the language and plug into the whole German ethic. I learned to click my heels, eat Currywurst and drink coffee strong enough to tarmac an autobahn. I was determined to become EingeDeutsched (integrated) and was soon adopted by my neighbours as one of their own.

Many of my friends still had family in East Germany and contrary to popular belief were able to travel freely to visit them - always a fun occasion as a whole village would turn out to see what a new car looked like or marvel at a bowl of fresh fruit. I was invited along just after the Wall fell and can only describe the journey as a living time machine. Firstly, the stench of two stroke exhaust fumes and brown coal burning hung in the air. Most household heating came from Victorian stoves burning anything they could find and fat, burly women dragged small carts full of firewood along cobbled streets. They'd never seen an Englishman, let alone one who could speak German and were extremely keen to introduce me to the ways of the East. In the 40 years since the war, they had been immersed in Soviet culture and relative poverty. Their favourite foods were Russian salads and beetroot soup, washed down with vast quantities of some God forsaken spirit available on every street corner. Fashion was anything they could lay their hands on from the West - in itself a walking museum of bleach wash jeans and mullet hairstyles, the favoured method of rebellion was to ride a 250cc MZ motorbike with monkeybar handlebars and listen to rock music. These were a people trapped in a bizarre void of 1950 meets naked survivalism.




I was into motorsport and decided to enter a local rally organised by one of the many small motorsport clubs that existed in the East. Their usual entrants were hyper tuned two stroke Trabants or the odd beaten up Lada but the crowds were massive and eager for any type of entertainment. I rocked up in a fully loaded 4 wheel drive Escort Cosworth with 400bhp with flames spitting out of the exhaust and it was quickly decided that I shouldn't compete but could drive as the "show car". Local Communist Party dignitaries demanded to be shown what technology the West had produced and after a few short bursts of 0-60 in 2.3 seconds and handbrake turns, most ran off into the bushes to vomit, shaking their heads in disbelief. Hurtling out of a forest onto a tarmac road whilst on gravel tyres at light speed and meeting a 5 deep crowd in the road who had never seen a car travel as fast nearly saw me on a manslaughter charge. It was beyond their comprehension that a ton of metal could arrive to where they were standing hoping for a better view so quickly



West Germans generally despised the "Ossies" as ignorant inbreds, workshy and full of self entitlement after 40 years of sucking at the teat of the Glorious State and they were partly right. To survive under Socialism, most had learned to keep their heads down and mouths shut, do as little work as possible and become invisible to the legions of informers, State busybodies, party apparatchiks and bureaucrats. To simply survive the winter and eat well was the goal of most of East Germans with the promise of a summer break to many of the State organised "holiday camps" an added bonus. The one thing they had in common with the West Germans was the automatic assumption that everything is forbidden unless it is expressly allowed ( a vile trait, slowly infecting the UK now ) and my explanation that no one required ID or a registered address in the UK brought howls of disbelief. How was this even possible? It must be anarchy, surely?

25 years have passed and Germans are still paying eye watering amounts to try and undo a mere 45 years of State Socialism. East Germans are still at the bottom of the heap for employment, with most employers preferring an eager Turk or a workhorse of a Pole and their expectations that the State will provide pervade outside of most major cities. Property in parts of the East is practically worthless and despite the best efforts of billions and billions of Euros being thrown at it, the East remains a wasteland for many. It will take three generations to undo the damage inflicted by the glorious Peoples Workers Party - and that in itself should be a salutary reminder to us all that the State is not and never will be your friend.

I shall be watching "The Lives of Others", possibly the best and most accurate depiction of life under the East German Communist Party. I suggest you do the same, if nothing else, as a reminder of what could have been. Never take your freedom for granted - it is but a pen stroke from a Politician removed. Forever.




Friday, 7 November 2014

25 years after the Wall


As we celebrate 25 years since the Berlin Wall fell and the bloodless revolution that overthrew four decades of horrific abuse by the State, it might be worth remembering what our Political Masters learned from the German Democratic Republic

1. Free Speech must be controlled - already we are seeing Tweeters jailed, and calls by the Police to close down the Internet as it is a home for "paedophiles and terrorists" 

2. Exit visas to imprison citizens - removing the passports of those who wish to leave is the best way to contain dissent - yes, this actually exists in modern Britain

3. Monitor citizens at all times - our Emails, tweets, phone calls and website visits are all constantly monitored and recorded by the Secret Service. Even our legitimate businesses are bugged by CGHQ 

4. Where are the citizens? -  It is a crime not to register to vote, and thereby hand over your address to the State.

5. Report your neighbours - Be vigilant, citizens, your State may be at risk. Report suspicious activity (such as to voluntary agents of the State

I won't continue, the list is sadly endless. From being arrested for spurious "hate crimes" to being bundled into black bags and shipped off to Guantanamo without trial, this country has learned well how to control us and to silence us. And yet still you will vote for more of the same in 6 months. Whoever declares themselves the "winner" will have the very worst mandate of our so called "democracy" in that they will rule by minority, no better in effect than just allowing a few party faithful on the Politburo to dictate every minutiae of our lives for the next 5 years.

I implore you to take a leaf out of the book of the East German people and simply declare "enough is enough". They had a job for life, free housing, free education and healthcare and an ample pension, yet in the end they craved the one thing no Politician can afford to promise any of us. Freedom from the State. Now that IS worth fighting for. Ask any German.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

November 5th, 6pm

As is customary at this time of year, I invite you all to a little bit of rebellion. I shall be at the Chandos pub in Trafalgar Square from 5pm on November 5th should you care to join me for the usual sedition, drunkenness, offensiveness and Political trolling. All are welcome.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Nunn the wiser



As readers will know, I am an avid supporter of both Liberty and Free Speech, something others have laid down their lives to ensure we are free to enjoy. As a somewhat regular visitor to Twitter (my 36th account is @holbornlolz), the case of Peter Nunn's arrest interested me. He's just been sent down for 18 weeks at Her Majesty's Pleasure for a series of retweets, account changes and loosely veiled "threats" against both Stella Creasy MP and the hysterical moonbat, Caroline Criado-Perez. Coupled with other various outpourings on youtube videos and general ranting, it is quite clear to me that Peter Nunn has a problem with women.

Firstly, I am free to spout my nonsense because I stay within what is a quite well defined legal space - it has always been the case that you cannot threaten or incite violence upon anyone and not expect a knock on the door - but also because (as I was told by the Police) I run a successful blog and half of Fleet Street follows me on twitter.

I certainly don't condone the rantings of Peter Nunn and the law is quite clear that you may not target individuals (harassment) but I do wonder just how political a sentence of 18 weeks in our overcrowded Prison can be justified. Had Peter Nunn had the right to a trial by Jury (as was once the basis of a free and fair judicial system), I am in no doubt he would have been found not guilty by his peers. As it was, a Magistrate decided his fate and in my opinion, hung him out to dry - for words on a screen - and most intriguingly, simply retweeting another user - something also done with the same "rogue" tweets by both of the Claimants.

So the show trial to define what may and may not be said on social media has alas been postponed, and today, yet another authoritarian Home Secretary has decided that people can also be prosecuted for "extremist" views, even if they haven't broken any law. Designed to save us all from head chopping terrorists under our beds, it won't be long before the usual Political mission creep sets in and er... the likes of Peter Nunn find themselves in er...prison. Interesting times, indeed. 




Monday, 1 September 2014

What price Liberty?



Another day, another assault on our liberties. Due to the possible "threat" of an unknown terror attack by an unknown enemy on an unknown date, our glorious "small Government" has decided to install Soviet style restrictions on citizens of this country. Including, but not limited to:

  • Withdrawal of passport by Police on mere suspicion
  • Forced relocation of citizens on mere suspicion
  • Control orders, including curfews, on mere suspicion


Apart from the other torrents of abuse currently being performed by our useless CPS, endless attacks on free speech and the deadly quagmire of Political Correctness, I'm struggling to think of any actual progress our liberties have made since Gordon "the Ruiner" Brown decided to hand over the wrecked economy and CCTV state to new owners nearly four years ago. No proof is required for any of the above, just "suspicion" which will, of course, be limited to brown people only, just as European Arrest Warrants were implemented to deal with big crime bosses yet are now used to incarcerate those who seek a second opinion from someone other than the Glorious Peoples National Health Service.

In 9 months time, we will all saunter off to the polls to elect the next batch of megalomaniacs, already beholden to the unelected EU megalomaniacs and the salami slicing of our liberties will continue (no slicers over 900 watts allowed). We will bark on Twitter at faceless unaccountable politicians (carefully avoiding arrest and following social media guidelines) whilst they happily trample over everything our ancestors earned with blood, sweat and tears. 

I intend to run on a Do NOT Vote platform, as I am utterly fed up with this "democratic" sham that can see utterly corrupt Council officers leap frog into roles controlling the very Police we pay to protect and serve whilst doing the exact opposite. We cannot remove the people we hand collective responsibility to and therefore we will have to take responsibility ourselves. That starts by refusing to play this pathetic charade, fund their ridiculous (and murderous) foreign adventures or support their endless legislation not designed to protect us but to protect the ever growing Big State.

Join me. Enough is enough.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

A new Broom for Democracy



It's certainly going to be an interesting few weeks before our hopelessly corrupt Parliament swan off to their summer villas to frantically call the Chief Whips and demand their foul misdeeds are erased from the "black books" kept in locked safes at party HQ.

I'll assume you're up to a reasonable speed because you know this blog exists or you follow me on twitter (@Turboholborn) so I won't trawl through all the current outrage over missing Home Office files or the vast rumour mill that is the Internet. Want I want to explore is what happens next:

It's been obvious for a while that the Internet is going to change how we are governed and the entire British "Establishment" has been woefully ignorant to accept it. Whilst men in tights doff their caps to an old ruling class firmly ensconced in the make believe world of Hogwarts, citizens have empowered themselves. There are no more secrets and the disinfectant of Internet sunlight is beginning to reach even the darkest corners of our "democracy". Just as the East Germans broke down the doors to the vast Stasi archives and  reeled in horror at the abuses performed by the State to protect the State, we too will have our moment of dreadful realisation.

Then what?

The British Establishment is a vast, complex machine, built over centuries to ensure that privilege, wealth and power remain firmly in the hands of an elite section of society - those "born to rule". Our monarchy, our institutions and our judiciary are an archaic system of near feudalism. Our parliamentary democracy is based on minority rule, our Party Politicians show no allegiance to anyone but the Party and our house of Commoners is anything but. Are we really going to tear it all down and start again? Well, yes, we are.

We won't riot, we won't protest, we won't throw Molotov cocktails, it isn't the English way, but we are changing how we wish to be governed. Our Political masters have never been more despised, more scrutinised or more vilified. Many are simply opting to stand down and pursue other interests and Party membership by citizens has plummeted to almost nothing. The 650 are shortly to become powerless as we withdraw our consent to be governed in this way.

Short of total Minarchy, I'm lobbying for Swiss Style Direct Democracy, where the people decide the agenda of Government and then vote on it, as often as possible. I don't want celebrity politicians, I want administrators. I don't want Party manifestos, I want public debate and I want power returned to the people who must live under the laws enacted by by them, for them.

When the dust has settled, and the foul stench of corruption and abuse of privilege finally clears, I want the establishments that made it possible returned to museum pieces and I want to see modern, small government and citizens as free as the Internet can make them. The time for a Medieval Parliament is over. Let the revolution begin.

Friday, 23 May 2014

Much ado about nothing



As the results of the latest "election" trickle through, and the various parties hack lumps out of each other to claim their mandates from the voters, perhaps it is worth noting that the biggest vote by far, came from those who didn't vote at all.

30.5 million, to be exact. Think about that for a moment. Only 1 in 3 of those eligible to vote, actually bothered to wander down to some God forsaken primary school stinking of head lice and disinfectant and place a cross next to any candidate at all. Who now speaks for them?

In truth, no one speaks for the 65% of us who dearly wish for a "none of the above" option. Champagne will flow at the various HQs of those who would be our masters and grinning Politicians and Councillors will queue up to impose their will upon us, yet have absolutely no mandate to do so. We rejected them all by a margin of 2 to 1.

This will become a trend as (after the victory heangovers wear off) it slowly dawns on those assuming their positions over us that without the actual will of the public, it's going to be damn near impossible to get anything done - not that they won't try, naturally. But they'll be nervously looking over their shoulders for a pitch fork waving mob coming up the street, rather than the shoulder high carrying hoards they had hoped would elect them.

The voting system in this country is not democratic and it isn't representative - it's simply a mechanism to kick cans down a road and hope nobody minds too much. It could be overhauled - it's not as if it is the only voting system in the world - and it could be made genuinely representative by the implementation of local, direct democracy - the Swiss have managed it superbly - but it won't. Yet.

Until we tackle this beast, we are not represented. Our votes, and more importantly, our lack of votes count for absolutely nothing. A Political elite will simply ignore everything we say, everything we do and carry on regardless claiming a mandate that never existed - much like the faux representation of the "People's Democratic Republic of Sovietism", I can only hope they learn the hard way that once you truly ignore the majority you intend to impose your will over, you are on well trodden path to revolution.

Bring it on. The sooner, the better.


Thursday, 6 February 2014

Peter Nunn and Stella Creasy MP



Well well. Back last year, when professional offendotron and loud mouth Caroline Criado Perez was finding out the hard way that Twitter contains differing views, Peter Nunn of Bristol sent some tweets to Stella Creasy MP (another shrieker of the highest order) and was charged under  section 127 of the Communications Act, which relates to the sending of electronic messages that are "grossly offensive or of an indecent, obscene or menacing character".

He's just proudly appeared at Westminster Magistrates, dressed in a suit and happily posing for photographers before pleading not guilty.

We finally have a suspect who is not a hapless drunken dole monkey and happy to fight his corner, well versed in law and up to prove that abuse is perfectly legal under the CPS guidelines. At last, we will see how the law intends to handle those who will not meekly accept a slap on the wrist for daring to have a different opinion than that of our masters (and mistresses).

I wish Peter Nunn all the success in the world. This will be a landmark prosecution for freedom of speech over social media and will tell us all how the authorities intend to deal with dissent from the lower orders via a medium they are desperate to control. Feel free to follow him on twitter (twitter.com/SirPeterNunn) and offer whatever support you can - I certainly shall. For the sake of me, you and our children.

Friday, 31 January 2014

Old Holborn’s Agenda for Hope



This post is in response to Owen Jones “Agenda for Hope”

The alarm goes off. It’s dark outside, and single mum Mary wakes to get ready for work at the checkout of a local supermarket. Like most of Britain’s poor, she has a job that leaves her and her children trapped below the poverty line. She finds herself competing with colleagues for overtime, just to earn a few more pounds to spend on her kids. Her employer couldn’t care because he knows it is the taxpayer who has to step in and subsidise those poverty wages to give Mary a chance to pay the bills and feed her children.

Mary had a rough night’s sleep because it’s nearly time to pay the rent. She would love nothing more than a secure, affordable home for her family but, like 5 million others, she’s stuck on a council housing waiting list where the taxpayer will once again subsidise her lifestyle. Her beloved Government keeps her rent high by handing out billions to landlords in “housing benefit” safe in the knowledge they will recover it via the taxation system to once again “redistribute” to the “needy”.

On her way downstairs, 35 year old Mary knocks on the door of her 19-year-old son, Tyrone. He is one of nearly a million unemployed young people. Tyrone sends in biro scrawled CV after CV, to supermarkets and call centres, and often does not even get a response. The odds are that being unemployed at such a young age will leave him with a lower wage, and an increased risk of being out of work, for the rest of his life. Her beloved Government has spent trillions installing an “equal” education system that means he is just as qualified in media studies as the downs syndrome kid who spent all day disrupting the class and stopping anyone actually learning anything of value to an employer.

As she approaches the front door, Mary glimpses another reason for her sleepless night: an unopened energy bill lying on her kitchen table. As the bills have soared, so the hot meals she eats have declined in number. Her beloved Government has pumped billions into the banking sector to hold up corrupt and bankrupt banks via quantitative easing thus reducing the value of the Pound. No wonder everything costs more, the pound is worth less. And so Mary leaves for a grueling shift at the supermarket, working hard to earn her poverty.

Mary isn’t a real person, but there are millions of people in this country who share aspects of their lives with someone like her. We all have to pay, literally, as poverty-paying bosses, layabouts, scroungers and rip-off landlords milk our ridiculously bloated welfare state whilst politicians laugh in our faces.

The beloved Government and much of the media have answers for people like Mary. “Instead of being angry at your situation,” Mary is told, “be angry at unemployed people, immigrants, the EU.” It is an Agenda of Fear. The bankers who plunged Britain into disaster, the politicians in the pockets of the wealthiest bankers and Union leaders, the fat cat public servants and corporate lobbyists – all are let off the hook. The Agenda of Fear makes sure that the real solutions to the problems faced by someone like Mary – and the nation as a whole – are never even discussed.

It’s time for Old Holborn to step in. I give you:

Old Holborn’s Agenda for Hope.

1. Minimum wage has to go. Never mind a living wage, if your labour is not worth what some titled Lord in Westminster decides it should be, you’re on the scrap heap. Forever. If you are naturally too stupid to earn £7 an hour, you are denied the chance to earn £5. The state has to stop setting the price of labour – your labour, your market, your needs – not being forced by law to sit on the sofa on state benefits.

2. Scrap housing benefit – completely. The only reason rents are so high is that Landlords and councils know damn well that some Mandarin in Whitehall will send the housing benefit bill straight back to the taxpayers. If you can’t afford to live in Mayfair, don’t live in Mayfair. Don’t demand I pay your rent whilst the State inflates the housing market.

3. Income tax is barbaric. It is forced theft and the penalties for refusing pay are equally as abhorrent as anything the Mafia could come up with. Set it flat and simple at 10% for everyone, regardless of income and leave money where it belongs -in the pockets of those who earned it. We have up to 80% marginal tax rates in this country, purely so it can redistributed according to the whims of politicians who after 100 years of promises have still not lifted the poor out of poverty. As agents, the State is worse than useless merely creating more clients for its never ending schemes of poverty reduction whilst doing the exact opposite.

4. Slash corporation tax to 10%. Before you scream, please try to understand that every single penny paid in corporation tax to the State is taken from you – either by lower wages or higher prices. Corporations don’t print money, it comes from the consumer via profits or the employees via lower wages. Slash the tax on success and watch competition drive down prices and increase wages.

5. Let bad banks fail. I can’t say it enough. Just one bank failing would send the vital message that the magic money tree no longer exists and it is not the role of the State to prop up bad investments and corrupt practices.

6. Stop the vanity projects. HS2, huge airports, sports stadiums and all the rest are only possible because some poor sod on minimum wage is being forced to pay for it. If business wants it, business can build it. Worked for the railways and the canals, didn’t it? We have commuters traveling 100’s of miles a day to do jobs that can be done locally, whilst the taxpayer subsidises their rail tickets. Local enterprise zones and low taxation will bring jobs to where the people are, not the other way around.

7. The Welfare State. Where do I begin? The population is addicted to free handouts financed by the population via duplicious politicians – utter madness. Poverty inflicted through excess taxation sees working families going begging cap in hand to the very people who grabbed half their earnings in the first place. Scrap it, reform it, do whatever, but do something before we are all slaves to it.

8. Reduce the role of the State to upholding the law and protecting the borders. I see no reason for a State run health service, a state run education service or a state run Hip Hop dance troupe on a State run television service. Decentralise down to local communities with a local taxation for any extra services the community demands – the Swiss do. Any problems there and you go and slog it out with the mayor in a bar on Sunday mornings over a pint – not some gigantic quango in Glasgow with a call centre in Bombay and a chairman on a golden public sector pension payoff.

9. Just leave us alone. Stop meddling, legislating, interfering, measuring, regulating, monitoring, commentating, studying and spying on us. We are grown ups, not children. No one can better represent us than us and I’m amazed that in the 21st century we are still forced to rely on minority representatives to vote on our behalf. For crying out loud, we have the internet now!

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Dear Steve


Dear Steve Anderson of Cumbria (@womblekicking),


Can we have a word? In the last 8 months, you have reported me to:

  • Two newspaper editors
  • Three national Police forces
  • Interpol
  • Three Members of Parliament
  • The RSPCA

  • You have issued death threats against my wife, my six children and me.
  • You have threatened to kill my work colleagues and burn down my home and office
  • You have reported me for being a Paedophile (I’m not)
  • You have reported me for being a wife beater (I’m not)
  • You have reported me for hitting my children (I don’t)
  • You have reported me for animal cruelty (I don’t)
  • You have threatened my clients
  • You have threatened my wife's employers
  • You have reported me to Denise Bulger (mother of murdered Jamie Bulger) for using the word “Bulgar” to describe the Bulgarian people.
  • You are now accusing me of criminal “harassment”

All because, in my role as a paid Internet Satirist and commentator, you decided to take offence at a joke.




Print this letter, take it to your local GP and ask nicely if he can help you. Whatever you are seeking, I do not have the answer.

Best of luck,

Old Holborn

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