Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Surviving Austerity (Part 2)

The relationship between the taxpayer and the State, yesterday

As the cuts begin to bite, we see more and more people deciding to work part time in order to keep their employment rather than face unemployment. Naturally this only applies in the private sector as the public sector has yet to understand that a change of government has taken place and the endless rivers of cash created by the reckless Labour Junta is about to dry up. They're still advertising for non jobs, paid for by the taxpayer and my local council have just sent me a glossy magazine full of "diversity" and letting me know about vital projects such as Crucial Crew, to teach 8 year olds what to do in the event of a gas leak.

But wait, what's this? The Government are now telling us not to waste food? YE GODS.

Tools required: A tablespoon. Good for measuring out portions of rice, beans and dried fruit
Go and take a look outside. No one is wasting food. Everyone I see is shovelling as much of it as they can into their bloated faces.

We don't need government websites telling us how to store food surely? We don't need a faceless Whitehall office panicking over what we have in the fridge do we? 2 million years of evolution and only the Government can save us from well...something to do with food waste?

Of course, the more cynical of my readers will soon spot that what is actually happening is the government is calling us wasteful and how dare we demand lower taxes and less public spending when we can obviously afford to throw good food away.

So I'll give you some of my tips, for free

See that shiny car on the drive? You don't need it. It is costing you thousands of pounds a year in depreciation, servicing and loan interest. Get rid of it and buy a second hand Japanese import from Ebay. Japs have a very stringent MOT at six years old to basically force you to buy a new (Japanese) car by failing the car on everything. Instead of being scrapped, they are shipped to the UK (right hand drive in Japan) and low and behold, we have low mileage, quality Japanese vehicles available for those who would rather not try to keep up with the Joneses next door (who are actually twice as skint as you)

One of these will cost you £1000 and around £300 a year in servicing and parts. If you're really tight, run it on chip fat. Just pour it in, it'll run. I know because I do exactly that for around 17p a litre. If it breaks (it won't), simply buy another one.

Best of all, you are starving the huge State beast that wants you to buy new cars so it can profit from sales tax, income tax (keep earning to pay for it), petrol tax, insurance tax, road tax and whatever other taxes they can think of.

In a subtle about turn, you can show the government that if they already have enough of your money to build websites telling you not to waste food, then they certainly don't need any more of it, do they?

I await a stringent new MOT to be introduced by the State shortly.

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