Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Prize Caption Contest. Yes, really!




Those nice folk over at John Wiley and Sons are donating a copy of the new British Politics for Dummies (RRP £loads) which deals with how the thieving 646 managed to do what they did, swan around all day at our bastard expense and generally shit in our faces to the wittiest remark to the lovely photo above. As I am excluded from giving out "treats" or bribing anyone, this has bugger all to do with me Guv and the winner will be judged by the ever frangrant Tuscan Tony

149 comments:

Captain Ranty said...

(Wifey answering the door) "Fuck off. And take that grinning mong with you. He's frightening the kids".

CR.

Ampers said...

"Hang on a minute Mr Prime Minister, my Johnny has just gone to fetch his shotgun."

Ampers

PT Barnum said...

"Hi! Is this the right place for the swingers' party?"

John R said...

"Sorry to bother you, but could I borrow a muzzle?"

PT Barnum said...

"Hi! Are we in the right place for the swingers' party?"

Stop Common Purpose said...

"Will you give us asylum, please?"

Ruth said...

I must not be afraid. I WILL not be afraid. I must step backwards s-l-o-w-l-y, then slam the door in their faces & run out the backdoor shouting 'Cunt Alert' very, very loudly to warn my neighbours that the Kurse of Kircaldy & his Evil Equalities Czar are defiling our very footpaths with their presence....
==================================

'May we come in & tell you about the advantages of voting Labour'?

'No, you fucking can't'. SLAM

===================================

'So, we hope you'll be voting Labour on 6th May'.

'No, I fucking won't'. SLAM

Uncle Marvo said...

Daddy's home.

The Last Of The Few said...

No you stupid pair of thick fuckers. Now you are out of work and retired, and get meals on wheels I bring them, to you

Rightwinggit said...

"Hello Mrs. carer, this is Gordon, he's a spazzmong".

Catosays said...

Wife....'No, I'm sorry I've been that busy I haven't had time to wipe my arse lately.'

Mong...'Would it help if I sent Mandy around?'

Maturecheese said...

"Hi, We've come to pick up your kids for their Gay and Lesbian appreciation class. Don't worry they'll be safe with us."

sushiguru said...

Hello. We're nuLabour. I know we've taken every last fucking penny you have, but we were wondering if we could just take your telly too. And your carpets. And your first-born child.

And no, I'm afraid there are no police left to stop us.

Muhahahahahahaaaaaa.

Kinderling said...

Harpy: "I'm sorry, if there's a white heterosexual male living here we can't help"
Brown: "'cause, we're making a fairer Britain"

Constantly Furious said...

You've got to fix that gate, Sarah: I found him hanging around the Recreation Ground again.

Mr Insignificant said...

"hello, we are NuNeighbour, and we just wanted to make sure you had been terrorised by hoodies recently"

Old Holborn said...

"You've got to fix that gate, Sarah: I found him hanging around the Recreation Ground again."

HA HA HA HA HA

Constantly Furious said...

Hello. Is your eldest daughter at home? We'd like to explain to her what droit de seigneur is...

Anonymous said...

Hello! Are you a fellow Lesbian? Could I just come in and change little Gordon's nappies? It's his day out and he seems to have pooed himself seeing all these real people. Also, could I borrow your Nokia, he likes to throw it at me, that's why my face looks like an arse.

.243 Win said...

May 7th 2010. The words no-one in the housing association sink estate wants to hear :

"Hello, we're your new neighbours"

RantinRab said...

Nightmare on Elm Street, part 7

John R said...

"Excuse me, you haven't seen a rocking horse anywhere around here have you?. Gordon seems to have lost his."

RantinRab said...

Hello, I'm from the local special needs school. We're doing a sponsored nose picking....

RantinRab said...

Government announce new Care in the Community programme.

D.G.Haslam said...

Reminds me of the time a nice Angolan chap came all over my face in the mens toilets in Downham Market. Oooh Matron!

RantinRab said...

Hi, sorry to bother you. You wouldn't have a pooper scooper by any chance? I'm afraid Gordon has left a little something on your front lawn.

RantinRab said...

Good afternoon, do you have any fucking idea how to run a country? Because we don't.

John R said...

"I believe you owe each of us £60,000 for leaving Parliament plus £100,000 for our expenses...oh, yes and £1,000,000 each for the pension. Your share is £125.50 plus VAT.

How would you like to pay?"

Anonymous said...

Tyson get back in .
TYSON !
TYSON !
GRRRRR SNARLLL GRIIIND.
AGH ! AAAAGH ! AEIIIII !
Oops !
Get back in dog .
Good boy who wants a chocky then ?

Catosays said...

Harman...'Hello, we're making a new TV programme...'Escape from the Country'.

.243 Win said...

...and if we all keep smiling like this, we may be lucky and Gordon won't have one of his "funny little moments".

Cazzy Jones said...

Brown: Is that an Alien that just popped out of your chest, or are you just pleased to see me?

Richard said...

Could we have our Nokia back please? Gordon's PA was holding it when he booted her into your back garden.

Richard said...

7 May 2010 : Hello, we're the new Betterware sales team foe this area. Can we interest you in some new brushes?

Anonymous said...

Hello.. we've come to see our good friend HOLBY...

caesars wife said...

Ethel look whose just turned to the tea party .

Scrobs... said...

"Hello Mrs Balls, can Ed come out to play?"

"No, the last time he went out with you, he finished up with his shirt torn, and his pants all dirty!"

"I’m sure Mrs Cooper wouldn’t want to hear you say that!"

"I am Yvette Cooper…!"

Dark Lochnagar said...

Woman at door, "sorry, you've got the wrong house. The swingers' party is next door".

BTW, O.H. Get up to date. With boundary changes it's now 650 of the bastards.

.243 Win said...

The "gone postal" man cometh.

Mr Gay Forks said...

'Hello' said Gordon as the door was opened. 'can my doubled up friend here use your loo, she has shat herself'

'FUCK OFF YOU CUNTING CUNTS' was the less than welcoming reply!

Scrobs... said...

Hello Mrs Kelly, we just thought you might want to know that the man you want to speak to is Mr Clarke, Mr Charles Clarke...

Catflap said...

Householders first comment on answering the front door and finding it's not who she expected:

"Oh, for Fucks sake"

Anonymous said...

Gordon: 'Pst, Harriet, just pretend we're Jehovah's Witnesses, there'll be more chance of getting in through the door.'

Anonymous said...

Can we use your loo he's shit himself again.

Bill Sticker said...

"Heeeres Gordie!"

(Householder barricades door)

Gallimaufry said...

Your house has been requisitioned by the party. You have thirty minutes to pack one suitcase and leave. Failure to comply is a breach of the Terrorism Act carrying a ten year sentence and unlimited fine. Don't worry, we have completed your postal vote already.

Anonymous said...

"Not today, thanks. Or for the next five years."

John R said...

Hello. I'm Harriet.

I'm just taking Gordon around the estate so everyone can see how smart he looks in his new suit. He's had his teeth cleaned and his hair washed as well. Dont you look smart, dear?

He's been ever so well behaved, he's taken all his pills and hasnt thrown a single phone all day. Havent you dear?

Anonymous said...

Hello Madam. We're recruiting for the BNP. Can we rely on your vote?

Captain Haddock said...

"I'm so abso-lewtly sorry Madam .. I did try to keep my Monkey under control .. But she ran off again and I'm afraid she's crashed your car, whilst reversing and using MY bloody Nokia" ..

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Harpy: That gate at the end of the road has been locked. Do you know who holds the key? Only, we've got to get back to Westminster soon, the bar closes at eleven.

SO17 said...

Harriet:"BOO"
Woman:"Jesus,I almost shit meself"
Gordon: "I just did"

Anonymous said...

Harriet Harman - Good afternoon, would you like to find out all about the wonderful new product you can now buy with your ration book? We call it Soylent Green.

Jim Baxter said...

'Hello there. We've just called by to check that all cameras we've installed in your house are working properly'

Catflap said...

Harriet:"I've just crashed into your parked car.His names Gordon,you know where to find him"

Dioclese said...

"Hi - we understand you're a Jehovah's Witness. Can we come in? No one else will speak to us!"

SO17 said...

JIM'L FIX IT:
Dear Jim could you fix it for me that after finishing a nightshift at the Polish Chicken plucking factory I will get rudely awoken by Harriet Harmen and Gordon Brown?
Also could you provide a baseball bat with a six inch fucking nail sticking out the side?
Wendy, age 46.

skynine said...

We're your new neighbours

Anonymous said...

Hang on a minute, let me get my shotgun and I'll be right back.

Conan the Librarian™ said...

"We have something more to share with you about the wonderful things that Gordon’s Kingdom will do for mankind."

skynine said...

Building a fairer Britain sounds a bit racist don't you think? We're after the BNP vote

Uncle Marvo said...

I vote for Wendy!

Cold Steel Rain said...

You're son just got killed in Afghanistan - we no longer have to pay him!

Stop Common Purpose said...

Man at door "No, I don't need any clothes pegs."

Death to Liebour said...

Harriet, eyeing up the householders earring, says:

"Is that gold? Gordon can give you a good price for that..."

Cold Steel Rain said...

Is Dave in Samatha - Gordon left his briefcase in the bedroom

CrazyDaisy said...

"can we hide in your cellar?" the new Tory CDS is coming and he's got bullets with our names on them! Oh pweeeeze!

Doc Trough said...

"Damn you Albie Hofmann", thought Sadie - who had raided her Woodstock souvenir box due to the price of cider. "Damn you to hell!", she thought, as the vaguely female one clippety-cloppety drummed it's terrible hooves of pink tripe.

.243 Win said...

I'm doorstepping, he's cottaging.

.243 Win said...

I'm doorstepping, he's cottaging.

bofl said...

oh,there you are bob......

stop rocking the boat and come and join us......plenty of 'freemans' !

.243 Win said...

"Penny for the guy missis ? "

Olly Garchy said...

We've just smashed in to your car.
You know who we are, so we'll be leaving now.

Catosays said...

'The chalk sign at the gate told us you welcome tramps'.

Catosays said...

We've come about the B&B. No we're not married...but he is gay.

Peter Whale said...

It took three terms to fix Thatchers legacy give us one more term and it will be perfect.

FUCK OFF.

Anonymous said...

1)The New horror Film Invasion of the Pod People, 5 more years,

2) Ah madame do you have room for a scottish gentleman recently made hopeless sorry I mean homeless.

Mr Armageddon said...

Excuse me Madam, we are out of work and will soon be homeless, can we please move into your garden shed with the rest of the fucking immigrants we sent you.

CT said...

We're from New Labour and we'd like to have a word with you about neo-classical endogenous growth theory...

Biffo said...

'Hi Tessa (for it is she of the Jowell family) we just thought we'd call round & see if you felt like a spot of leafletting'.

'Fawk orf' SLAM

old samsa said...

hi mrs x, i'm harriet and this is gordon, i don't know if you've heard of us, but we are campaigning on behalf of the government. do you mind if we come inside and take over 2 of your bedrooms, the living-room and the conservatory...spend three-quarters of your income, abuse and brainwash your kids, install surveillance cameras in every room and let us have priority over the comfy chair and the television remote? you'll have to move into the box-room, of course...do all the washing-up, cooking and household chores, go to work to pay the bills and give this dirty cunt standing next to me his constitutional conjugal rights...but don't fear, it's all for the good of the people...ok? well actually, honey, i don't give a fuck whether you agree or not - we're coming straight in...and you can begin exercizing your democratic rights by gob-hoovering my pussyhole.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Dears your too late

we're voting BNP!

Ron Broxted said...

XL Butt plugs and West Bromwich Albion.
Posted by ron_broxted
For my 500th crap post I shall look at the Butt Plug controversy. Colin Berry has been arrested for carrying one. I had a large butt plug when I was on my Polytechnics Gay cheer leaders squad a decade ago, before being thrown out for an offence described by Plod as utterly disgusting. Going through Heathrow on my way to deliver a load of kiddie porn back to a priest in Belfast, some mind dead cretin called over P.C.Plod as my XL butt plug set off an alarm. It was the day before an England vs Denmark match. A briefcase full of kiddie porn, was uncovered and I was nicked. Of course XL butt plugs can be used for pleasurable or punishment purposes) the kiddie porn was for research purposes, but butt plug remains technically a sex toy. Might I pose it to Inspector Truscott that if the police did their job, that of catching criminals, real ones, (as opposed to merely arresting self admitted pervs like me, or lovely young apple cheeked boys for building snowmen, Fred Evans for reading the telegraph, Ron Broxted for saying "send the buggers home" to some third rate non BNP politician) then not only would Joe Public desist from carrying the bloody heavy awkward butt plugs but Britain may resemble less of a de facto police state (regardless of Labour/Tory leadership) and that the corrupt mendacious donut eaters would acquire a scintilla of respect?
Now to the fascination of football teams. Newcastle and West Bromwich Albion are going back up to what in my youth was the First Division. Yo-yo teams that are too good for the Championship League but not good enough for Premiership? I lived near to Brentford, Millwall and Tottenham's grounds before. Of course, I could never support the same team as Rod Liddle even if I do agree with him on most things regarding blacks. Up the Yossers, lower the age of consent for boys to say 11. Free Tibet, give me my DNA sample back. Vote BNP.

Michael said...

"Oh fuck! Is my House insurance up to date and am I covered for "being visited by Mongs?" That's my job an life completely fucked! Thanks for nothing you useless Gits!"

Michael :)

yardarm said...

Woman at door:

Fuck me, I`ve died and gone to hell.

yardarm said...

" Hello: I understand you are his nominated carer.....".

Chris said...

"I'm so glad you called - can you take a look at the dog please, I think it's got rabies!"

Old Holborn said...

Ron Broxted

Last warning.

Yet again, I have your IP. I now who you are, I have met you, I know what you have planned, I know what you have done and I know where you will be on May 13th.

ONE more post here and I will blow you out of the fucking water. I will tell the world your real name, what you are up "in court" for, your "internet" names, your blog and your history (including your trip to France). Fuck off and leave this blog alone

Last and final warning. Your choice.

gordama bin bodysnatcher said...

hi mrs x, we are campaigning on behalf of the taliban. do you have any children of a suitable size and shape to send over to afghanistan for target-practice?

first sign of madness said...

21:40

i don't want to butt into your conversation, old ho, but...

pro-paedopolitical parody petition said...

21:40

old holborn,

i consider that ron's paedo-parodic prose makes incisive enquiry into the nature of british political censorship and cultural-control. if he goes, then i (desperate dave lammy), jocelyn jack esien, trevor frillips, miss onwonkiwigwo, president obombaklaart, pc fuckoff and uncle tom cobley are going too. your decision.

Old Holborn said...

Close the door on your way out, Rohen

Anna Raccoon said...

Really pushing your luck now Rohen.
Just as well I kept Daddy's phone number isn't it?

arthur wiley and sons said...

21:29

mmmmm...butt plug trickle-down theory...could be a niche little earner...

Antipholus Papps said...

"Trick or treat!"

Brown is a shithead said...

Harriet:
"This is your new Millenium man 'Brown 2010' model with lots of new soundbites and the added hoover feature that can suck the atmosphere out of any social occassion.
It used to come with a 13 year gaurantee against boom and bust which is,I'm afraid no longer available"

jack the tripper said...

22:16

better use it then gobface

trevor frillips said...

21:29

Yo-yo teams that are too good for the Championship League but not good enough for Premiership?

what you really mean is: they haven't got a positive wogrisization policy in place, don't you ron?

going down said...

22:16

some people think they can bug your phone and your house and get away with it. wrong.

state of the fart said...

23:10

anna raccoon and old holborn are (a right) state

british bulldog said...

is british politics for dummies a prize or a fucking punishment? can't wait to get my teeth into the bastard when it comes through the letterbox.

E said...

Is that a gun in your hand: or are you just annoyed to see us?

[Ha! The word verification is 'bedher'. As a joke, that is much, much funnier].

nrrrrrrrrr what's up jock? said...

could you cast a carrot for our local candidate?

ceasars wife said...

Hello Ime Harriet Harmen and this is Mrs Rochester .

Burn them.Just to make sure said...

Harriet@cash4gold.com:
"Sorry Mrs Garbage but after Gordon studied your husbands groin he discovered some strange green blemishes.
Your gold earings are actualy made of brass"

Cunt spotter said...

Hello hello

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Hello hello

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.

Fuck off you pair of cunts!

The Boggart said...

HARMAN: "I Will Check Her Purse"
BROWN: "I Will Check The
Medicine Cabinet"

TheFatBigot said...

"We need to keep him out of the way, can he stay with you until May the 7th?"

reformed canibal said...

tempting; very tempting.

Summer_Breeze said...

Rofl @ Constantly Furious! :-)

Agent Moselle said...

What charity are you collecting for this time? - you bastards...

basta said...

22:16

old holborn you and your bitch raccoon have bugged my and my family's phones, computers and houses for the last four years, harrassed my 76 year old dad who is very sick, sent me at least four 'demotivational posters', as you like to term people sent to fuck you up (ie. suzy, tina, nadine and tanya), plus countless other annoying arseholes including jocelyn jee esien, and then topped it by getting your skivvies to put medication, drugs and fuck knows what poison in my fucking food - and all because you can't get your own way on the internet through the written-word. fuck you cunt and fuck your campaign.

Anonymous said...

"Hello we are the neighbours from Hell can we are taking your house for a failed asylum seeker"

Anonymous said...

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Harie-ate.
Harie-ate who?
Harie-ate Gordon while he was drugged up and incapacitated on the way over in the cab.

--
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Gore-done.
Gore-done who?
Gore-done Harriet after she ate me on the way over in the cab.

S.B.S said...

Fuck Me! And I thought there was nothing worse than the Jehovas!

Minekiller said...

"Good morning, we're from the Government. We've just called to collect the remainder of your money"

Anonymous said...

'When we say jump, you say 'how high massa?' Got that? Now JUMP.'

'Fuck right off, ya bastards.'

Anonymous said...

We strongly believe in doing it ourselves; all those SPADS, they're far too expensive. Now where do you keep your bins...........

Anonymous said...

I've just crashed into your car, you know who I am, and this man would like to explain to you how the crash happened in America and that it was the right thing to do.

Captain Swing said...

Hello is this dignitas UK I have a dead man walking here.Can you finish him off.

caesars wife said...

OH you might enjoy this one (Darling Camera on moment)

did he just say at press conference "unfunded tax c***t" at press conference how true.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

"Good morning. Oh, I see you are a lesbian. That's excellent.

We've come about the rocking horse that you advertisede in the local paper; it's for my friend here, Gordon. His one is rather worn out and a little soiled. He's very excited at the prospect of getting a new one. You can tell by his gurning.....oh, dear he's wet himself again."

Anonymous said...

Is THIS the boy that stole your money madam?

Gobshite said...

Hello Mr. and Mrs Jihad.

You want us to come in, how nice!

Lovely flag on the wall, and isn't that a nice video camera.

Why are you putting on a balaclava? And what are you doing with that large knife!

Objets d'Arse said...

S&M dungeon? In the cellar?

Yeah, this is the right place; come on in.

Neil Platypus said...

Dear Mr O'Holborn, I noted you comments on faux Ron above, he is chavving up your site. It was thought his name was David Gordon Haslam and his address Downham Market, Norfolk. Dubious trips to France? Trouble with cyber stalking? None of this surprises those who have had to put up with him. I shall do a blogge on "The Independent" on your campaign in Cambridge if you wish. Good luck with it, we may not share many views but I have a measure of admiration for you and your cause(s). Finally, I trust this is the last we see of fake Ron, fake MacEgan, a mentally unbalanced chap who has issues with the whole gay identity thing. Hoch hoch!

thefrollickingmole said...

N#1
Harriet: "No really, he'll let you spit on him if you promise to vote for him"....

Householder: "no, hes enjoying it too much".

N#2
Harriet "You're my wife NOW!!!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2F4ZWTjwTU

N#3
Harriet: "may we have your liver then"...

rosscoe_peco said...

HH: Hello, I'm sorry to be a bother but I was wondering if we could use your toilet, my little boy here (points at the grinning retard behind her) was playing on the rocking horse outside and filled his nappy, you'd think i'd learn, its not the first time its happend and I never carry a spare....

Max the Impaler said...

I don't care if there is a laser-dot on my forehead,I will not vote for you.

Ἕκτωρ said...

You didn't think we'd find you, did you, Tony?

adam said...

The Real Hustle begins filming new series

Wossat? said...

Wife (to husband off camera): There's a couple of weird looking cunts at the door trying to sell me some shit.

Husband: If it's more than a tenner a bag tell 'em to fuck off.

Kcila said...

Female android on path: "Sarah Connor? - You will vote for the zyborg behind me or LabNet will terminate you!"

Putout housewife: "Fuck off I'm watching Jeremy Kyle."

caesars wife said...

Note nick clegg did not deny taxes would go up , just said no need according to our figures , despite being pressed 3 times .

Darling has failed to explain how he will reduce the deficet by half in 4 years and his NI explanation was confusing , with petrol at £1.20 a litre those in work using the car will be hit hardest.

Not to worry though at least the ruskies have decided the cold war was not a good thing .Bravo president Medeyev .

restandBthankful said...

Harriet Hairperson: Hello, We are visiting people unannounced. I've brought the Prime Mentalist round for tea, can we come in?

Homeowner: Sod off.

Anonymous said...

"Hello, Mrs Prescot, this is my retarded nephew - can little two-banjos come out to play?"

Traiterous pair of Cunts said...

"Hello,we are campaigning on behalf of the La.....oh you are white.Sorry must go"

Death to Liebour said...

Harriet to person taking the photo:

"Any problems installing the spy cameras? No? Good, Onto next door then"

itszone said...

"Darling! You're blocking my shot!"

Anonymous said...

'Hallo we just had a report that you put a jam jar in the paper recycling bin.....'

Bea... bonnet... etc

Anonymous said...

"But if you do vote for us Gordon will debauch the currency some more and make your house price go up and up forever!"

- childish snigger from Gordon -

Anonymous said...

The things you see when you have'nt got a gun.

(ref 1997 firearms act)

Anonymous said...

Penny for the guy!

Hmm actually, can we make it 50% of your income?

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sarahs law requires we introduce your new next door neighbour.

Mr Armageddon said...

Are those GOLD earrings you have got on my darling!!!! I can keep them safe for you I will stick them up Browns Bottom

Anonymous said...

Fag & Hag arrive to bring misery to an innocent household.

Must say, I'd love them to rattle up to my gaff. They'd hear some language they'd never hear before & be left with no illusions as to what I thought of them personally & as politicians.

adrian said...

We're from the Government, we're here to help you.

libertyscott said...

I thought it was more efficient to take your money directly, and raid your childrens' piggybanks too.

philip_henson said...

Hello there,

We are here to administer our new Health Credits system. We take three of your vital organs and give you one back. Please tell the camera how grateful you are.

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