Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Cambridge Council Elf & Safety

Anatidaephobia - the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you


On Wed, Apr 21, 2010 at 2:17 PM, Heather BevanHunt wrote:
Dear Old Holborn

With reference to your Saturday stall outside the front of the Guildhall last Saturday - we asked that no throwing of fruit be allowed. The City Centre Rangers reported that eggs and fruit were being thrown and they had to clean this off the walls of the Guildhall afterwards. There are still marks on the walls. We advised that this was a danger to the public as a slip hazard.

We cannot allow any throwing of any fruit, eggs or similar and if this happens again this Saturday, we will have to withdraw your permit for the following Saturday.

Can you please assure me that this will not happen again.

Regards
Heather


Dear Heather,

I cleaned up all the mess immediately, so check the "City Centre Rangers" (whoever they may be. Are they like Power Rangers?) overtime claims

I do hereby solemnly promise to be on my best behaviour this weekend and not throw anything at anybody. I do have plans however to run a "Cambridges Ugliest Baby " Contest and have been offered a real live African elephant, dressed in a suit, that does John Prescott impersonations. Would you and the Council have any objections?

Regards

Old Holborn

29 comments:

The Penguin said...

Still leaves Sponges soaked in vinegar.

The Penguin

Joe Public said...

I trust you have a cart & massive pooper-scooper to remove any elephant-waste from Cambridge's pavements.

Or, will you point out to them that their bye-laws don't actually prohibit elephant-fouling?

Spartan said...

"There are still marks on the walls. We advised that this was a danger to the public as a slip hazard."

Can the Cambridge public walk up the walls of the Guildhall? .... amazing!

Ampers said...

What's that old saying?

There lies, damn lies, and "Cambridge Elf 'n' Safety".

Or was that "Statistics"?

Anonymous said...

Hmm I didn't see any fruit being thrown ;-) So they are lying... bastards!

microdave said...

"Anatidaephobia" - you're quackers...

Bristol Dave said...

Maybe she could bring her Ukelele?

http://www.myspace.com/hbevanhunt

http://www.facebook.com/people/Heather-Bevan-Hunt/831364353

Gallimaufry said...

Are coconuts allowed?

bofl said...

can you get a bulimic elephant that has milked £millions off of the uk people?

elephants are intelligent creatures-unlike that fat hoon prezza......

even too lazy to throw up the useless ugly scrote.....

Anonymous said...

Fuck 'em. Make as much mess as you fucking well can.

Then, the following Saturday you have a perfect way to prove that 'jobsworths' are running the show. As you can't hold any demonstration, you prove to the electorate that free speech doesn't exist and that democracy in this shithole country is a sham.

Simples!

The Penguin said...

Try playing the Human Rights card - they are restricting your right to free expression and thereby curtailing your basic human rights blah blah blah - oh and claim you may be a Muslim, job done.

The Penguin

John said...

http://vimeo.com/11052516

Have you seen this?

logrog said...

Throwing fruit and veg at figures deserving of public humiliation is a British tradition. If the State recognises shoe throwing as a form of protest they have no business trying to clamp down on fruit and veg.

D.G.Haslam said...

Woe is me! I cannot get blogs published on the Indy or Torygraph! I must wank off over photographs of Serge Nubret! Mind you the BNP are fucking cunts.

Uranus, The Magician said...

"City Centre Rangers" - is that a joke?
Perhaps the jobsworths @Cambridge think that they live in a National Park?
Worzels!

RantinRab said...

City Centre Rangers....


Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Fucking poofs.

ceasars wife said...

Best laugh ive had all day !

View from the Solent said...

Get a few guys to dress in shirts with horizontal alternate green and white stripes.
The City Centre Celtic.

Anonymous said...

I heard Holly Staffieri supports the aerial shooting of wolves. Sick huh????

Dazed And Confused said...

@ Holborn:

"Cambridge City Rangers" are in part, petty criminals doing Community service

Anonymous said...

On the streets of Cambridge today I saw a 'Civic Enforcement Officer'.

WTF?

thespecialone said...

OH, I am on your side with this one. You see! Generally I am for freedom and liberty. Good luck in your campaign. I live nowhere near you so cannot vote for you.

Anonymous said...

The debate on "elf and sayftee gonn mad!" aside (which has enough mileage in it to make a TV series):

1) Bristol Dave - Back off mate - complain to the Council by all means if you disagree with either the H&S policy or how it has been implemented but leave Heather's private life out of it.

2) @ Dazed and Confused - What's wrong with some of the City Rangers being people doing community service? I'd rather them doing something constructive than languishing in a prison if it's going to teach them new skills and possibly lead to a job at the end of it. Slag them off if you like but the people I know round here appreciate the difference that the rangers have made.

Now...where were we? Ah...back to that 'Elf and Sayftee' TV show...

Ron Broxted said...

I nearly got a job as a street cleaner for Cambridge City Council, but I failed the practical test. They said I lied on my CV about my GCSE in cookery. But what difference would that have made to pulling a broom? I ask you?

thelunaticarms said...

We've got them in London - they look after the green spaces - in other words, laze around smoking dope all day.

Quite a good little number if you can get it ;p

And no fecking way can you have an elephant impersonate Prescott. That is just too cruel!

Gobshite said...

If you get elected, you should get a HofC pass for the Elephant.

Or use it as a green mode of transport.

Cars will get the fuck out of your way, even in London.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Heather Beavercunt, or whatever her name is. Is she why my council tax is so ridiculous?

Clive said...

After you've performed the traditional custard pie ambush, hand Heather a bucket and mop and make her clean up the mess before someone slips on it.

Correction: before she slips on it. No-one else is going to.

Anonymous said...

you're a cocksucker and this piece of shit blog of yours gives people a platform to spread lies and abuse...You'll be hearing from my lawyer you cowardly weasel. I DARE you to post my comment.

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