Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Time for action

OK, I've put my money where my mouth is and am standing for election by the good people of Cambridge. Time to plan a campaign.

I'm not the sort of person to go around kissing babies or knocking on council house doors, nor am I the sort of person who points at potholes in the road for the local papers. I'm the sort of person who likes to have fun. So I want suggestions for my campaign to free the enslaved peoples of Cambridge and overthrow Parliament.

So far, I am planning:

100 Guy Fawkes punting down the River Cam with gunpowder barrels
Releasing 20 live pigs into Parliament. Probably.
A bonfire party where we burn 300+ effigies of MPs who "inadvertently" claimed excess expenses.
Handing out "hot potatoes" to busy shoppers
A horse and cart, driven by me, with a cage full of MPs in the back
Free screening of V for Vendetta in Cambridge

Any other ideas, fellow seditionaries?

UPDATE: Just spoken to Cambridge Electoral Register Office

OH (after being bounced around): "Hi, I'm handing in my nomination papers as a candidate, what ID do I need to bring"
Civil Servant: "Oh, I don't know. Some sort of badge, a rosette or something"
OH: "Er..Is the manager there?"
Civil Servant: "Not today, no. Ring back tomorrow"


millbay_49 said...

Bags of style, Squire! How do I donate?

sushiguru said...

Insist on attending the opening of parliament with nowt on except your mask :D

Old Holborn said...

I'll be putting a donate button up as soon as I can work out how much I am allowed to ask for, from who and why, where etc.

I'll give you a bang for your buck and no mistake, goodness gracious me.

Teuthida said...

I like this, the whole shitty business needs stirring up. And I rather reckon you'll advance that cause.

hackney cab said...

You could use an old taxi for your campaign vehicle and put " £5K a day and I'm yours " on the side.

Matt Davies said...

Careful with the hot potato idea. That will probably be deemed a bribe to vote for you, which is kind of frowned upon.

Ampers said...

I really like the Taxi idea OH, but make sure you use the biggest white lettering the whole side of the cab can take.

However some of your other ideas may upset 'ealth 'n' safety...


The Penguin said...

Get the student-pranksters on side with a few free drinks and get them to place an over-night Guy Fawkes on every spire and pointy-bit. Marvellous images and totally guaranteed to be on every news programme.

The Penguin.

Ivor Bigot said...

Publicity stunts are all very well and might get a few local rag hacks turning out, but you really need to get "known" on a bigger scale than that. Presumably the internet and a bit of viral cleverness would help, particularly with all those students (do they vote for where they study, IYSWIM?)

Depends if you are serious about winning, or just stealing a few votes.

Either way, good luck.

concrete pump said...

"A bonfire party where we burn 300+ effigies of MPs,"

For a brief second, i thought i'd read 'A bonfire where we bum 300+ effigies of MP's.

I'd pay to see THAT more than the burning.

Anonymous said...

Why not add a few meaningful policies and be taken seriously?
1) Pull out of the EUSSR
2) Ditto for Afghanistan and other islamic shitholes
3) Total ban on immigration unless they can house themselves and pay for their healthcare and their children's education.
4) pledge to make breaking manifesto promises the equivalent of election fraud.
Good luck anyway,

Remember Remember said...

Posters. You need to run off some "Wanted" posters. Like this:


(Your V Face)

vote www.Oldholborn.net

That's all you need for the poster, which you pin up in the universities and maybe around town. You need some student helpers and also some cantankerous pensioners. They can walk around all over the place with them or possibly some T/sweat shirts with the face on and "VOTE OLDHOLBORN.net "
You also need that DIY cardboard V mask on here somewhere so people can make their own cheap.

It's your blog that has the message and will hopefully remain the way to communicate in the event you actually win. It's a pity you've gone for being to do with stupid parties or whatever they are, you don't need them. Now you have to lie about agreeing with their policies and even promote them.

Spartan said...

Get to the clubs and pubs and get the managers/owners. Agenda ... the smoking ban, to get it reformed and give the people choice. Once you've convinced them, which should not be hard to do, you then have access to the youth vote. This vote is substantial and the current political candidates have no idea how to appeal to them.

These pubs/clubs could then promote you. Push issues like smoking ban, alcohol restrictions and taxes, stop and search, cctv, databases etc etc

Most students/youth want to be rebels ... all they need is an agenda.

Anonymous said...

How about we all meet in Parliament Sq in 12 months time ready to invade Parliament?

I am Stan said...

First rule of war,know your enemy!

Nick Hillman..

I am often asked why I am a Conservative. It is a good question with no simple answer but, ever since I began being interested in politics as a teenager, I have felt a closer affinity with the Conservatives than any other political party.

Above all, Conservatism reflects my general outlook on life. I want to see a country in which people are free to achieve all they can because freedom is held dear. But I also want a country with a strong civic life that offers mutual support. To me, Conservatism offers a society in which individuals value their independence but are rooted in strong communities.

Here he is,

Anonymous said...

I'm with Spartan, The smoking ban stinks, give us choice. Your on a winner their.

I am Stan said...

and here!


Anonymous said...

Releasing 20 live pigs into Parliament.

What have the pigs ever done to you that you'd want to inflict that on them?

I'm all for calling out the fuckers in parliament but animal cruelty isn't cool.

And, while we're at it, can we stop referring to corrupt politicians as "troughers"? It's gratuitously offensive to all the honest animals out there who dine from troughs.

no longer anonymous said...

Re student voting

Back in 2005 when I was at university I was registered to vote for the national elections back home via proxy vote but was also registered to vote at university due to what was probably a cockup.

I am Stan said...

He`s very ambitious Holby ,he`s all over the place.

Nick Hillman:

* Opposes a congestion charge.
* Supports waiting for the outcome of the Browne review on top-up fees.
* Supports a limit on immigration from outside the EU.
* Has committed to move to Cambridge before January the 1st.
* Believes that: “of all places, Cambridge needs a Conservative MP” as it is “currently getting a poor deal in terms of national resources.”


Dick the Prick said...

Dear OH

Fucking good man OH. I'll lob a £100 of the Queen's squidlies into the pot. Shame I live nowhere bloody near Cambridge though.

All the best


Anonymous said...

Good luck.

You'll need it. You've really been backed by a first rate party in the Jury Team. I here the up to their tits in policies, that they want the 'independent' to adhere to.

I am Stan said...

Pass the sick bag!!!!!


I am Stan said...

I need a stiff drink....



Giolla said...

Happy to help out with the punting if you do that (have mask, can punt).

I am Stan said...

Get me a doctor qui.....

The Cambridge Labour Party - local residents, city and county councillors with Daniel Zeichner, our Parliamentary Candidate and Richard Howitt, our MEP – campaigns to bring about a better quality of life for everyone by promoting Labour policies. We believe that now more than ever Britain needs our values of social justice, equality and a strong society.


extest said...

OH, are you going to put your full home address on the nomination form for the Cambridge election ?

Billy Blofeld said...

In honour of local Professor Stephen Hawking, how about a "Hawking Parade".

100 Guy Fawkes on mobility scooters tearing up and down the market square......

You might need to try and do something boring like link it to a campaign issue......

Old Holborn said...

extest. I live in a field, under a tree. Near the Quantocks.

I will be hiring an office in Cambridge and the address registered will be that one

JD said...

I'd be up for a punt up the Cam.

extest said...

OH. You had better start reading your Representation of the People Acts and the subsequent amending legislation.

Clue: you can't. On the nomination form you must supply either a home address, or you hide behind a "home address form" (Political Parties and Elections Act 2009, Section 24(2)(b)(4)).

So, will you be putting your full home address on the nomination form ?

Old Holborn said...


I am homeless

your move

Billy Blofeld said...

Ideas to get locals involved:

1. Put up a web-site with a Vendetta mask that can be printed out and made into a DIY mask.

2. Encourage people to join in a massive Anthony Gormley style art project - and get them to put up silhouettes of you all over town.

2a. Erect your own "Angel Of The East". Your effigy with outstretched wings - next to a big road.

3. A daily competition - best photo posted on-line of someone in a Vendetta mask getting up close to the Labour, Tory or Liberal candidates for Cambridge.

4. Encourage people to download, print and distribute a short message from you and post it through 10 neighbours post boxes.


extest said...

Not mine, but the ERO's. Who will declare your nomination invalid if it does not satisfy the PERs.

And not declaring your address will disqualify you.

So, will you be putting your full home address on the nomination form, or not ?

Anonymous said...


Why so much fucking interest in where he lives or if he'll tell you? You a stalker or an agent of the government?

People are far more interested in what he's going to do to help them and get the country out of the shit than where he lives you stupid cunt.

Tell us where you live. Thought not? Wanker.

Old Holborn said...

Extest. You do know that the nomination form is not in the public domain don't you? You do know that it is filed in a cellar and never sees the day of light and is not subject to FOI's, dont you?

I can also stand under the name "Old Holborn" and no proof of ID is required.

Anonymous said...

Subsection (2) of section 24 amends rule 6 of the PERs to provide that the candidate’s nomination paper will no longer include the candidate’s home address in full. Instead, the nomination paper must be accompanied by a form known as the “home address form” which must show the candidate’s full names and home address in full. Provisions concerning the delivery of nomination papers to the returning officer will apply equally to the delivery of the home address form. On the home address form, the candidate may make a statement that he or she requires the home address not to be made public. If so, then the form must also state the constituency within which the candidate’s home address is situated, or if that address is outside the United Kingdom, the country within which it is situated.

So address is

Old Holborn
C/O Lord Ashcroft

No cheques, just cash.

Old Holborn said...

Now, let us imagine a very rich Bangladeshi businessman residing in Dacca. He gives a fridge to anyone in Bangladesh with a relative in the UK living in say...Tower Hamlets

He could then register as an independent in Tower Hamlets, not even using his real name or address, even though he has no UK passport and does not live in the UK.

No one could touch him. And he'd win.

Scan said...


Be careful on the effigy burning front. Your carbon emissions will be well through the levels permitted by one person alone. They'll bar you for climate heresy.

(Maybe you could ask Milla Jovovich to be your "pretty bird" at the bonfire photo op and get her to dress up as Joan of Arc. She'd be up for it; she's good like that.)

extest said...

OH said "You do know that the nomination form is not in the public domain don't you? You do know that it is filed in a cellar and never sees the day of light and is not subject to FOI's, dont you?"

The details - including home address (if candidate isn't hiding in the manner already noted) - from the nomination form are transcribed on to the Statement of Persons Nominated, which is a document of public record, and if a copy is maintained by a council on behalf of the returning officer, it is subject to FOI.

Plenty of examples out on t'web.

If either the nomination form or the home address form are not completed according to law, expect to have the nomination challenged and invalidated.

So, are you going to put your full home address on the nomination form, or not ?

Anonymous said...

Someone nudge the record player, its stuck.

Billy Blofeld said...


Why the interest in OH's address?

Will you be sending flowers?

Anyway, aren't stalkers usually more subtle?

Summer_Breeze ( Bimbo ) said...

As I said yesterday over at Guido's, I shall be keeping my fingers crossed for you. I really do wish that I lived close enough to Cambridge, to be of some practical help but sadly, I don't.
I would love to see you win though. Obviously you have the freeing of the Nick Hogan, which you will be able to capitalise on.

As for the showing of V for Vendetta, would it be possible for some/any of the electrical firms to play it on their systems. You know, you walk into Curry's or Comet or tesco and they all have bloody cricket on, well might they play the film for you? Worth an ask maybe.

As for the more serious issues. this page on the Democracy Club site, http://www.democracyclub.org.uk/constituencies/cambridge/#issues
sets out some of the gripes about Cambridge, you might be able to capitalise on something on here. Apologies if you have already seen this.

Anyway, I shall look forward to reading about your campaign, over the coming weeks.
Best of British to you O.H.

Kingbingo said...

I trust you will stand by your principals and if you are elected immediately resign and have yourself jailed? Since by your own logic that you repeat time and time again, ALL politicians are corrupt thieving scum with no exceptions. You have consistently repeated this argument again and again without stopping to consider there might be exceptions.

Or will it be different for you? It will be won’t it, typical fucking politician!

go it alone ? said...

Could you not stand as an Independent OH ? Outwith the Jury Team. I'm sure your blog would raise some finance. Isn't Jury Team funded by the bankers ?
The Jury Team backed John Smeaton ( glasgow airport hero ) in Glasgow recently and he only got a handful of votes despite being a household name and having his own national newspaper column.
I'd think about it again if I was you.

extest said...

@Anonymous 13:16, @Anonymous 14:11 and @Billy Blofeld 14:20.

When OH gives me a straight answer to my straight question, then I will give you a straight answer to yours.

Dave H said...

Whaatever you do, don't go punting down the Cam. I live upstream from Cambridge and frequently piss in it. I'm afraid that's true.

I be won't voting for you either: wrong constituency. Anyway, Mr Lansley will remain my MP whichever way I vote.

stabledoor said...

You should do someting about the Cambridge Police causing the cancellation of this year's Strawberry Fair after it was approved by the local council. Surely their job is to police local events not to overrule the local democratic insitutions - Another step towards a police state

Henry North London said...

I'll come and punt with you Mask and Hat at the ready They were waiting for Nov 5th but I felt unable to join you last time due to a certain presence

WV peess

Pericles said...

"So far, I am planning:

"Releasing 20 live pigs into Parliament."

By my reckoning that brings the total to 666 ; is there a message there ?

Rebel Saint said...

I like the MP's in a cage idea ... then provide rotten fruit to throw at them. Drive it around the estates then go to the city centre and open it up to all ... put them in stocks maybe.

I'm weighing up whether to stand in my constituency or not ... might pinch that idea if I do! I want to stand on a direct democracy manifesto ... i.e. I stand for noting, I will simply set up a website and (as long as a quorate of 5% is reached) vote according to the majority. People could register to vote according to various party lines or lobby lines (e.g. always vote according to the Labour whip, or greenpeace advice etc). Makes life easier ... you don't have to have an opinion about anything just be a complete servant of the voters.

Anonymous said...

I was going to make the same point as stabledoor regarding the Strawberry Fayre, a Cambridge fixture for as long as I can remember and now unilaterally cancelled by the plod as they can't run the risk of anyone having fun.

Why Cambridge by the way, and not Billericay or Basildon or wherever it is you live?

Giolla said...

@Rebel Saint: If you're thinking about going the direct democracy route you might want to take a squint at the discussions here:

for some of the points raised to someone else attempting that very thing.

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