Monday, 8 March 2010

Shit Happens

From Jeremy Clarkson

As we know, one man once got on one plane in a pair of exploding hiking boots and as a result everyone else in the entire world is now forced to strip naked at airports and hand over their toiletries to a man in a high-visibility jacket.

In other words, the behaviour of one man has skewed the concept of everyday life for everyone else. And we are seeing this all the time.

Last month a Birmingham couple pleaded guilty to starving their supposedly home-schooled daughter to death. Now, of course, there are calls for parents who choose to educate their children at home to be monitored on an hourly basis by people from the “care” industry, and possibly to have their toiletries confiscated.

Then we have calls to ban sexually provocative pop videos from the television until 9pm and put Loaded magazine on the top shelf. Will this prevent teenage boys from seeing girls’ breasts? Well, whoever thinks it will has plainly never heard of the internet.

We see the same sort of overreaction to paedophilia. Just because one man in your town likes to watch schoolgirls playing netball, you must apply for a licence if you wish to take a friend’s kids to school in the morning. And I now run the risk of having my camera impounded by the police if I take pictures of my children playing on the beach.

Likewise, if I decide to take a picture of St Paul’s Cathedral I will be hurled to the ground by anti-terrorist officers and possibly shot six times in the back of the head — just because one person in Bradford once made a speech about the infidel.

We seem to have lost sight of the fact that throughout history 90% of people have behaved quite normally 90% of the time. Agatha Christie, for instance, was home-schooled and at no point was she forced to eat breadcrumbs from her neighbour’s bird table.

Of course, at the extremes, you have 5% who are goodie-goodies and who become vicars, and 5% who build exploding hiking shoes and starve their children to death.

It’s this oddball 5% that is targeted by the tidal wave of legislation. But making it more difficult to teach your children at home will not stop kids being mistreated.

It just changes the pattern of everyday life for everyone else. This is what drives me mad.

We now think it’s normal behaviour to take off our clothes at an airport. But it isn’t. Nor is it normal to stand outside in the rain to have a cigarette or to do 30mph on a dual carriageway when it’s the middle of the night and everyone else is in bed. It’s stupid.

And last week the stupidity made yet another lunge into the fabric of society with the news that government ministers were considering new laws that would force everyone to take a test before they were allowed to keep a dog.

No, really. Because one dog once ate one child, some hopeless little twerp from the department of dogs had to think of something sincere to say on the steps of the coroner’s court. Inevitably, they will have argued that the current law is “not fit for purpose”, whatever that means, and that “steps must be taken to ensure this never happens again”.

The steps being considered mean that every dog owner in the land will have to fit their pet with a microchip so that its whereabouts can be determined from dog-spotting spy-in-the-sky drones, and that before being allowed to take delivery of a puppy, people will have to sit an exam similar to the driving theory test. The cost could reach £60, and on top of this you will need compulsory third-party insurance in case your spaniel eats the milkman.

So to ensure that someone in the north called Mick doesn’t shove his pit bull into a primary school playground to calm it down, I will now have to computerise my labradoodle and answer a lot of damn fool questions about when my dog should be on a lead.

In other words, the normality of dog ownership will be skewed. Instead of spending your free time with your pooches, throwing balls or tickling them under the chin, you will be forced to provide tea and biscuits for someone from the department of dogs while he inspects your cupboard under the stairs for evidence that they’ve eaten the cleaning lady.

This will achieve nothing good. It will ruin the enjoyment of dog ownership for millions, it will result in thousands of abandoned dogs, as people realise they can’t afford the insurance, and yet it will make no difference to men in the north called Mick, who will continue to tattoo their dogs with gothic symbols of hate.

What good did all the airport legislation achieve? None. It simply means that you and I now must get to the airport six years before the plane is due to leave and arrive at the other end with yellow teeth, smelly armpits and no nail file. Did it prevent a chap from getting on board with exploding underpants? No, it did not.

Happily, however, I have a solution to the problem, a way that normal human behaviour can be preserved. It’s simple. We must start to accept that 5% of the population at any given time is bonkers. There are no steps to be taken to stamp this out and no lessons to be learnt when a man with a beard boards a plane with an exploding dog.

Government officials who are questioned on the steps of coroner’s courts must be reminded of this before they speak. So that instead of saying the current law is “not fit for purpose” and that something must be done, they familiarise themselves with an expression that sums up the situation rather better: “Shit happens.”


Henry North London said...

I couldn't have put it better myself

Anonymous said...

That's the article I was going to post on the f2c forum when I was discovered they had banned me for some reason (they didn't let the members choose then).

Just how true the article is is shown by the number of crooks within the legal and law-making profession itself.

Custard said...

For a Northerner, JC talks a lot of sense.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

The bloke speaks for millions.

hangemall said...

In the event that I am forced to fly again, I think I will turn up at the airport dressed as a clown with three-foot long shoes, improbably baggy trousers and a ZZTOP beard.

Everything seems to be designed to keep people apart.

hangemall said...

In the event that I am ever forced to fly again, I think I'll turn up at the airport dressed as a clown with three-foot long shoes, improbably baggy trousers and a ZZ TOP beard.

Everything seems to be designed to keep ordinary people apart from each other.

Marchamont Needham said...

If JC formed his own party I suspect he'd be our next PM.

Gareth said...

Clarkson is wrong to say "It’s this oddball 5% that is targeted by the tidal wave of legislation."

It isn't. The Government takes a broad brush approach. This most Fabian of Governments in particular. What they are doing is trying to get the majority to conform to their ideal hoping that the minority will too due to peer pressure.

The minority will not. The legislation rarely concerns them. The authorities rarely trouble them. Specious success is made by breaking the free will of free men and intistutionalising a perfectly reasonable and rational majority rather than actually dealing with the cause of the trouble. The Government is unable or unwilling to face issues, instead preferring to deputise us without our consent.

The handgun ban didn't impinge on criminals. Speed cameras don't prevent bad driving. CCTV doesn't prevent thuggery and pilfering. Money hasn't fixed the NHS. Making exams easier hasn't made children better educated.

It's all arse first. Everything.

Anonymous said...

OH, slightly O/T but have you seen the latest topic on Constantly Furious? Needs wider publicity IMO.

Anonymous said...

Has that middle class middle aged cunt backhanded by the motor industry and made a millionaire every year by the BBC with public money. Along with his middle class mates in a fucking aircraft hanger surrounded by morons listening to shite about motor cars ever heard of barbers?

bofl said...

all of these things are cooked up by useless 'officials'........and to justify themselves they dream up endless being searched at airports.....of course it HAS to include blonde,blue eyed men like myself otherwise it would be racist(another govt. agency to deal with).

i had to go on a health and safety course......a whole day of drivel! the tutor got really excited when informing us that 'working at height' meant being only 1 inch off the ground!

more jobsworths........

and i believe at the root of it are two reasons:
1/nobody has the davinas to stand up and take the blame.
2/ they are shit scared about having to pay out compensation.

i am trying to get my local hospital to give me a copy of an xray. i have a fracture that has resulted in a piece of bone sticking into my flesh......i want to get a 2nd opinion.but they are making me jump though hoops and i detect that they are doing it because they have made an error in my the yanks say 'follow the money'

bofl said...

Anonymous said...

On top of that 5% of people pausing a potential danger one must now add the state itself.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Britain has been defaced on purpose. It is now a country which is only fit for scallies and scumbags to live in.

richard said...

i agree with Gareth. it's happening in northern ireland now. litter wardens to get powers for on-the-spot fines of £75, an offence to refuse to give your name, councils to be given right to enter and inspect "untidy" properties. also a proposed night-time curfew for newly qualified drivers!

Anonymous said...

clarkson, against all evidence, hasn't worked out that 'they' know that all their fuckpiggery won't help the stated cause(s).

it's a hige jobs and control creation program.

richard said...

notwithstanding freedom of speech and the free dissemination of information, the council will make it an offence to distribute printed material. the reason being that people read leaflets then throw them on the ground. so someone (the leafleteer) is to be punished for someone else's offence, an offence that is YET TO OCCUR!

Anonymous said...

My two dogs do not have licences. My two dogs will not have licences in the future. And the first jobsworth who appears on my doorstep querying this or who stops me in the street will find himself up on charges of sexual assault - which will prove to be a severely career limiting move on his part. Who says only the state can lie?
JC has it 100% correct - just look at that link from bofl.

418 said...

Re-introduction of dog licences may just prove to be one step too far ... word verification for this post is "fates": very appropriate.

Newgates Knocker said...

Child Licences next. If you are not a gay loving, tranny embracing,Jihad understanding, multi-culteral kissing progressive. You fail. Your fucked!

Kit said...

Every problem, every tragedy, every mistake every made needs a law and a regulatory body and enforcement officers.

It's for the sake of the children.

Gordon Brown said...

It was the right thing to do ...

bofl said...

it's always for the sake of the 'children' isn't it?

but they don't mind sending them to get killed in shitistan do they?

odd that not one mp has a child serving there?

why aren't the elf an safety exec out in afghanistan? they should be salivating at the prospect!

Rogerborg said...

Here's a good one from Bonny Scotchland: Drugs crackdown hailed a success.

Officers using a special scanner tested more than 600 revellers for cocaine, MDMA and mephedrone at pubs and clubs in the city.

Mephedrone - commonly known as MCAT or bubbles - is a legal high

A total of five bags of what was suspected to be mephedrone were recovered.

Grampian Police Sgt David Bremner, said: "Although mephedrone is not yet a controlled substance, its effects are similar to other controlled stimulants like cocaine.

Just because it's legal doesn't make it safe."

Further comment would be superfluous. Hopefully the citizens that were mugged by Sgt Bremner get decent representation, sue his shiny nylon pants off, and get their legal goods back.

obama - the witch messiah said...

We now think it’s normal behaviour to take off our clothes at an airport.

judging by the mainstream media coverage, we also now think it's normal to go to someone else's country and liquidize their children into a mc'strawberry milkshake. never let it be said we didn't promise ourselves change...and, thank you, i got a numbered swiss bank-account. yes we can, but we sure ain't gonna fucking bother.

jocelyn jack esien said...


i think he's gorgeous. he can park in my garage anyday (if he puts the pre-requisite payment in the meter first, of course).

spermtag said...


that'll be a cunt

Ron Broxted Esq said...

Nine cases and the resistible rise of Home Office mendacity.

Home Office prevarication over deleting innocent DNA samples will soon be at an end I hope. Even with a stacked deck such as the House of Commons select committee, they strongly recommended that DNA retention should be lowered to a maximum upper limit of three years, thus putting Britain in line with the rest of the world. Low copy DNA once hailed as the great leap forward is now discredited, with a Nottinghamshire schoolboy matched to my underpants, the epitome of poor science, it is time to quietly bury LC DNA hype.
Furthermore, DNA matches are only solving relatively few crimes according to Professor Berry, a expert on starch and bread roll filling, which would have been cleared up anyway. Hefty compensation awaits nine test cases sent from the ECHR to the U.K.
On to happier news. Toy Town Photography are opening their new venture in Belfast and in light of the fact that I am a fucking poncing layabout living on state benefits here is a free advertisement for them. I love children....Yum Yum....Ooooh matron, check out my hardrive!
As today is "International Woman's Day" or as they say in Peckam "It's foreign ho's day." Therefore may I wish all my split arsed readers with two X chromosomes and in Araminta's case, two and a half, a very happy 8th March you fish arses.X

Anonymous said...

What on earth has the previous post to do with this topic? Ravings of some rip off onanist.

a blog full of ignorant conformist cowards said...

Off course Clarkson avoids the full conclusion and the solutions.

Is he ignorant or a coward, still I guess we must be thankful for the breadcrumbs he leaves us on his millionair bird table.

The laws are to control you, to get you to except control, to reinforce certain bogymen that have propaganda political agendas, such as chipping bins reinforces the global warming lie, makes people shit scared of the fines and makes you capitulate to a police state.

As the state spreads its long arm into every area of life, there will be no escaping them, and as your pubs close down all you will have for social interation will be the propaganda BOX, all your ideas and conclusions will be drawn from this box.

Off course the fly in the ointment is the internet, expect this to come under serious attack once they have you cowering from free speech, discussion of immigration for fear of hate crime prison terms, from the wrath of the green water melons.

You will cower, you have been cowering for years, you are pathetic.

This is all part of the post democratic age of which the EU is one piece of the NWO puzzle.

and while Clarkson pointlessly points at the symptons like the rest of you clowns he avoids the disease, he avoids the solutions, he is also cowering.

The only solution is 1950s style nationalism, UKIP may gain it only to lose it again within a generation, moronic libertarians even faster.

The BNP could gain it, but the people have been so brainwashed so cowered they dare not even think of voting for the solution, such is the pavlov dog programming they have been abused with, like a dog lying in the corner excepting that he will get hit, waiting to die, you have no teeth, you are all gutless.

Sure the BNP aint perfect but much of the shit you see today would never have arison under the BNP, a BNP UKIP coilition would be the best solution as both have something to offer and counter the other from going too far - in ukips case extreme thatcherism and in the BNPs case to much control(nothing compared to now)

Britain would have been the britain of old, rather than the shithole it has become.

Perhaps they are not libertarian enough for you, is what is coming and what has gone before in recent decades libertarian enough for you?

You had a way out, clarkson could offer the way out but he is a coward, the media has built a media only consensus and you are all cowering in its wake, you will continue to cower.

The only people with free spirit and guts were the BNP supporters, they saw the whole damn lot coming, while you sneered and mocked, but theyre fascists you ignorantly said as the fascists took contol right under your noses with you begging them for more.

Don't vote says one clown, vote libertarian says another clown running down the blind ally of media fed madness.

Carry on, you get the goverment you deserve - COWARDS

want a crash course on the NWO - can you handle the truth? said...

A great short breakdown on the NWO, do you have the guts to read it, or would you rather talk shit for the rest of your lifes?

challenge to the gutless readers of this blog said...

So you think the greedy pigs of UKIP have the guts to save us?

Do you think `Dave` is going to rescue you?

Do you think the libertarians have any idea?

Now watch and learn, why nothing any goverment does is in your interests and only the bravest of people can solve the issue, people who have proven they are not scared to speak out when all around them the mealy mouthed buckled and turned you into canon fodder and slaves.

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