Nestyn, Tuesday. So-called recess. Knackered, coated in baby-vomit and deafened by whining thanks to the Ron4Nestyn brainwashing offensive: launched Saturday with singalong 'n' advice session at Nestyn Elders' Home (taught them "vote for Ron, dear", to the tune of Oh My Darling), then appointments each half hour till nightfall.
Diane worked the stopclock while I did Young Mums Breakfast Club, Disadvantaged Teen Equestrians, 45-to-63-year-old Romany Drop-In Centre, Fair Trade Speed Dating luncheon, Breastfeeding Learners Roving Support Bus, and South Nestyn's Child Carers Chinese New Year Celebrations. Proof you can't actually die of whingeing constituents. On the plus side, a few hundred votes in the bag (Elders permitting) and a couple of the Child Carers did volunteer to help Diane with the cleaning.
And at least, with Twitter, the whips get a record of the relentless grinding bondage that passes for public service, backbench-style. With full emotional credentials. "Up at 6.30 to visit Elders. Some tears explaining the death tax". "Just a biccy for lunch today! Too moved to eat after pledging support to mums re post office queues". "Way past my bedtime but still time for a group hug with struggling breastfeeders". "Taking time to recover after opening fortune cookie. V tragic motto". "In pieces from watching GB – a great leader whose heart is as big as his brain".
Am doing myself proud, even Diane admits, until orders arrive for a mass spoof of new "I've never voted Tory" ad. It's late, I've had a couple, and at the time, "I've never voted Tory because Tory women are evil bottom-smelling dogs" looks genius. Even get a few compliments until the tweetlash begins: first "look who's talking" from Pippa Rowe-Dent, then 3,000 "disgusteds" on a Facebook petition, then the "Have you met Luciana Berger's blonde best friend" routine from Millbank.
Grovel time again: "Labour's Ron Scuttle insists he did not write the words 'bottom-smelling'. 'I would never stoop to something so infantile,' says Scuttle. 'But I admit I mis-twote in my playful I've Never Voted Tory spoof.'" And how. Until I got the day job I never voted anything else.