Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Recycling Peers.

For a good hundred years Hastings Borough Council in East Sussex has been cremating their excess of elderly people without much thought to their carbon footprint.

Now the local council wants to invest in technology which converts excess heat from cremations into something more useful.

New generators, being installed next summer as part of an £800,000 refit, will save money in the long run by cutting energy bills.

Currently the crematorium burns up about £25,000 worth of gas a year so anything the dead can do to reduce the cost will be greatly appreciated by polar bears.

It has given me the germ of an idea. Instead of creating Peers, why not cremate them?

They could keep the huddled masses of the poor in Westminster more effectively warm than the current weak blast of hot air they emit.

As the Copenhagen Summit grinds into oblivion, surely the Blogosphere can come up with some more suggestions to convert 'surplus to requirement' items into dainty carbon footprints that are actually useful.

Suggestions on a postcard please.


Anonymous said...

Are we getting into Soylent Green territory?

Ampers said...

I vote YES

Dungeekin said...

A pleasure to oblige.

The maths works and everything - I commend my idea to the House.


Jesus H. Christ said...

Cremate immigrants, liberals and socialists!

Anonymous said...

Use Cherie Blairs VERY large mouth as an open land file site.

Does anyone believe that Tony has ever filled her mouth?.

Dr Elizabeth Pewter-Stalin said...

Chaps & Chapesses, before we get carried away I suggest we undertake a study & maybe set up a few Quango's to assess what the Lords in question have been eating for the last few decades on the public ticket before we torch them.

Some of those Lords are almost 93% goose fat & Napoleon brandy now & there could be serious Health & Safety issues to address before burning them in a Public Sector crematorium.

Just a thought.

righty right wing (mrs) said...

Dr Pewter-Stalin,

Indeed, the last thing we want is the rapid dis-assembly of Peers the instant you turn the flame thrower on them.

Do you need candidates for the Quango?

What are the hours?

Any foreign jollies?

Usual ex's?


RRW (Mrs)

British Insurgent said...

Dr Stalin, Mrs Rightwing,

May I put myself forward as Flame Thrower Operative?

Please supply a UK address so I can send you my CV.

I am more than qualified to burn "Vermin in Ermin".

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

British Insurgent (Mr)

Dr Elizabeth Pewter-Stalin said...

Dear Mr Insurgent,

OH will be handling the Human Resources aspect of this project.

I understand that competition for the position you are interested in is quite fierce with over 50 million CVs recieved in the past month.

PS - its Dr Pewter-Stalin.

WV: mingst - thats the involuntary "wince" you get when you see a minger like Harperson.

Great Big Billygoat Gruff said...

Render them for bio-diesel

Commission for Combustion Equality said...

We are setting up a fake charity to ensure that the incineration of peers is done in a way that fully respects diversity and equal opportunities. Whilst we recognise Dr Pewter-Stalin's excellent qualifications in these areas, we feel that we are also entitled to a seat on the gravy train, and thus intend to pointlessly make trouble for her until we get a huge bundle of taxpayer's cash.

The main thing that we insist upon is that burnings must not be restricted to the House of Lords. Every civil servant, quangocrat and Commons MP must also have an opportunity to die in a fire. Without a commitment to diversity, Dr Pewter-Stalin risks accusations of "class bias" and racial discrimination in favour of old friends of Tony Blair.

Applicants are required to accept a £200k/year salary plus regular expenses-paid trips to continental Europe to assess the combustibility of the European Council.

Great Big Billygoat Gruff said...

Stop the looting

Start the shooting

Dr Elizabeth Pewter-Stalin said...

Commission for Combustion Equality

Excellent points well made.

We should vector them in to the pre-talks about the talks to talk with regards to setting a possible tentative itinerary at some point in the not too distant future - providing of course that all EU Diversity & Common Purpose Laws have been not only met but exceeded.

Many thanks for your continuing & valued contribution

chortigi said...

Who the hell authorised this project?

They're spending £800,000 to try and reduce/offset a £25,000 gas bill.

Even if they reduced net carbon emissions to nothing by producing £25,000 worth of electricity from it won't pay for itself.

Ron said...

I suppose they will be removing hair and gold teeth as well - just like the Nazis!

Word verification: nutsom

Anonymous said...

Remind me to ensure that I don't shuffle off this mortal coil within the boundaries of Hastings Borough Council.
I was going to go for cremation but perhaps I'll go for a Woodland Burial just to spite the bastards.

Anonymous said...

Having gone online I am still trying to discover if its a Limp Dem, Con or Labour Council (which would explain a lot). Numbers seem to be fairly evenly split Con/Lab Councillors. However, there appears to be a couple of Independants, so I suppose it depends which Party they accepted their brown envelope from... There is a 'Citizens' Group' which sounds very Labourish. G'wan the website & query their alarming lack of mathematical skills.

Paul B said...

Rather than cremating the dead, why dont we just feed them to the cuddly Polar bears instead, saving on gas right across the country. It would have the added benefot of stopping the polar bears feeding off the beauty cuddly seals as well, win win all round.

The Paragnostic said...

1. Render the bodies down for soap, for free distribution to the unwashed Bangladeshi tide that would otherwise not use it...

2. Tender for tooth / glasses frames / jewellery removal to be offered to 'Gold4U' or another company presently profiting from people's impecuniousness.

3. Damien Hirst to be charged with the task of creating an enormous tent made from 'House of Lords Parchment'.

4. Minimal crematorium to be used simply for making phosphate fertiliser - said fertiliser to be used in the Greening of England.

Paul B said...

We could actually leave the bodies in a giant warehouse and let them compost with the assistance of maggots. The maggots could then be sold for fishing and birdfeed, whilst the composted remains could be spread on Englands pasteurs "green".

Anonymous said...

I've heard that in Sweden, to avoid the landfill of burial and the emissions of cremation, they now dissolve bodies...

Joe Public said...

And the blubber from some could be used to reduce the municipal diesel fuel-costs.

banned said...

British Insurgent; "Vermin in Ermin". I like that, wonder if the Daily Mail will take it up.

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