Monday, 9 November 2009

Mandelson censors Jeremy Clarkson

I spotted this earlier by Jeremy Clarkson in the Times. Great article

Jeremy Clarkson
Sunday Times


I’ve given the matter a great deal of thought all week, and I’m afraid I’ve decided that it’s no good putting Peter Mandelson in a prison. I’m afraid he will have to be tied to the front of a van and driven round the country until he isn’t alive any more.
He announced last week that middle-class children will simply not be allowed into the country’s top universities even if they have 4,000 A-levels, because all the places will be taken by Albanians and guillemots and whatever other stupid bandwagon the conniving idiot has leapt

I hate Peter Mandelson. I hate his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans and I hate that preposterous moustache he used to sport in the days when he didn’t bother trying to cover up his left-wing fanaticism. I hate the way he quite literally lords it over us even though he’s resigned in disgrace twice, and now holds an important decision-making job for which he was not elected. Mostly, though, I hate him because his one-man war on the bright and the witty and the successful means that half my friends now seem to be taking leave of their senses.

There’s talk of emigration in the air. It’s everywhere I go. Parties. Work. In the supermarket. My daughter is working herself half to death to get good grades at GSCE and can’t see the point because she won’t be going to university, because she doesn’t have a beak or flippers or a qualification in washing windscreens at the lights. She wonders, often, why we don’t live in America.

Then you have the chaps and chapesses who can’t stand the constant raids on their wallets and their privacy. They can’t understand why they are taxed at 50% on their income and then taxed again for driving into the nation’s capital. They can’t understand what happened to the hunt for the weapons of mass destruction. They can’t understand anything. They see the Highway Wombles in those brand new 4x4s that they paid for, and they see the M4 bus lane and they see the speed cameras and the community support officers and they see the Albanians stealing their wheelbarrows and nothing can be done because it’s racist.

And they see Alistair Darling handing over £4,350 of their money to not sort out the banking crisis that he doesn’t understand because he’s a small-town solicitor, and they see the stupid war on drugs and the war on drink and the war on smoking and the war on hunting and the war on fun and the war on scientists and the obsession with the climate and the price of train fares soaring past £1,000 and the Guardian power-brokers getting uppity about one shot baboon and not uppity at all about all the dead soldiers in Afghanistan, and how they got rid of Blair only to find the lying twerp is now going to come back even more powerful than ever, and they think, “I’ve had enough of this. I’m off.”

It’s a lovely idea, to get out of this stupid, Fairtrade, Brown-stained, Mandelson-skewed, equal-opportunities, multicultural, carbon-neutral, trendily left, regionally assembled, big-government, trilingual, mosque-drenched, all-the-pigs-are-equal, property-is-theft hellhole and set up shop somewhere else. But where?

You can’t go to France because you need to complete 17 forms in triplicate every time you want to build a greenhouse, and you can’t go to Switzerland because you will be reported to your neighbours by the police and subsequently shot in the head if you don’t sweep your lawn properly, and you can’t go to Italy because you’ll soon tire of waking up in the morning to find a horse’s head in your bed because you forgot to give a man called Don a bundle of used notes for “organising” a plumber.

You can’t go to Australia because it’s full of things that will eat you, you can’t go to New Zealand because they don’t accept anyone who is more than 40 and you can’t go to Monte Carlo because they don’t accept anyone who has less than 40 mill. And you can’t go to Spain because you’re not called Del and you weren’t involved in the Walthamstow blag. And you can’t go to Germany ... because you just can’t.

The Caribbean sounds tempting, but there is no work, which means that one day, whether you like it or not, you’ll end up like all the other expats, with a nose like a burst beetroot, wondering if it’s okay to have a small sharpener at 10 in the morning. And, as I keep explaining to my daughter, we can’t go to America because if you catch a cold over there, the health system is designed in such a way that you end up without a house. Or dead.

Canada’s full of people pretending to be French, South Africa’s too risky, Russia’s worse and everywhere else is too full of snow, too full of flies or too full of people who want to cut your head off on the internet. So you can dream all you like about upping sticks and moving to a country that doesn’t help itself to half of everything you earn and then spend the money it gets on bus lanes and advertisements about the dangers of salt. But wherever you go you’ll wind up an alcoholic or dead or bored or in a cellar, in an orange jumpsuit, gently wetting yourself on the web. All of these things are worse than being persecuted for eating a sandwich at the wheel.

I see no reason to be miserable. Yes, Britain now is worse than it’s been for decades, but the lunatics who’ve made it so ghastly are on their way out. Soon, they will be back in Hackney with their South African nuclear-free peace polenta. And instead the show will be run by a bloke whose dad has a wallpaper shop and possibly, terrifyingly, a twerp in Belgium whose fruitless game of hunt-the-WMD has netted him £15m on the lecture circuit.

So actually I do see a reason to be miserable. Which is why I think it’s a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit. onto in the meantime.


Guess what? It's gone

Red Rag to a Bull, I say.

Update: Actually, as the Times no longer have it, I hereby claim the copyright on the above. Come and fucking get me, I dare you.

71 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fucking brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Lovely stuff. Surprised that the Times succumbed.

Katabasis said...

FFS!!

Quiet_Man said...

There are a few articles in the MSM going missing recently, they aren't showing in the google cache either, really a bit odd.

Spartan said...

Free Speech alive and well in UK ... aslong as it's not criticising the despots of the UK Government!

Anonymous said...

That is a superb piece. One of your best finds to date Holby.

Well done.

Michael Fowke said...

Absolutely brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Anybody got a screen grab?

Katabasis said...

Yep - noticed that it was missing from the Google Cache too.

Good job lots of bloggers picked it up and copied it.

What the hell are we coming to?

I read it yesterday when it first went up - a lot of the comments were of interest too, but of course they've gone down the memory hole too now.

Are we sure its Mandleson that put the squeeze on though? I saw a few things in that article that would have got a few of the PC types screaming for censorship.....

Anonymous said...

I've emailed it to every single contact in my mail system. I hope they'll do the same.

Katabasis said...

Just been playing around with the Google cache on the times website.

It's not the case that it isn't there because Google spider hasn't indexed it yet, as the comment pieces out today have already been indexed in the cache.

This is true internet censorship if they've been able to get google to yank the cache.

Screech said...

Excellent work OH, consider it nicked

Guthrum said...

Are we sure its Mandleson that put the squeeze on though?

Yes, this a regular occurance with the King of Spin.

I kept the original article in the Times and scanned it for my 'I love Mandy' records

Anonymous said...

It would be breaking the law.

Since 1972 it has been illegal to fit cars with a Gaydar.

Police wouldn't be able stop you and you could kill someone while texting a friend.

Blanket Of Ash said...

The Google cache conspiracy is a non-starter I'm afraid. the Times (as do many of the UK newspaper websites) selectively use something called a "noarchive" directive which means a cache link will never show. Any site can do the same.

Giolla said...

Glad you saved a copy

Anonymous said...

Text added to my Facebook page with a link back to here - hope you don't mind :)

no longer anonymous said...

I posted this on my Facebook page. Before it would post I had to enter two words that appeared in a box.

The two words were Times and columns. I presume this isn't a spooky coincidence and FB takes words from the article..

Rastus said...

"Red Rag to a Bull, I say."

A Bull??????
A bull is a magnificent masculine animal.
What we are looking at here is ...well....definitely not. It is a much much lower life form than an animal, and definitly not masculine.

JPT said...

That's great stuff by Clarkson!

Joe Public said...

If it's not there, it couldn't be plagiarised, could it?

Anonymous said...

"not so funny now, fat boy" says Mr McCready. Jeremy may be sailing closer to the wind than he imagines.

Old Holborn said...

"not so funny now, eh funny man?" says Mr McCready.

blair's gomorran tableau said...

Saw it at the time and was surprised by his tone; particularly given that he was quite recently praising the tireless efforts of out bent filth and judiciary in retrying "terror" suspects - on the basis of ever more hallucinogenic bullshit - until they got the result they were looking for.

Should come in handy when it's time to deal with the rest of us .... first they came for the dodgy wogs, and I said nothing .....

electro-kevin said...

Clarkson is the reason none of us will ever make any money at writing.

Katabasis said...

Blanket of Ash:
"The Google cache conspiracy is a non-starter I'm afraid. the Times (as do many of the UK newspaper websites) selectively use something called a "noarchive" directive which means a cache link will never show. Any site can do the same."

BoA - I was about to say I disagree because they would have to pre-emptively have put the directive in the robots.txt file. But then I started playing around with more of the comment articles.

Looks like you are right - it seems to be editorial policy that *none* of the regular contributors in the 'comment' section have their contributions cached, but it seems that 'guest contributors' - e.g. John Kampfner *do* have their articles cached.

I wonder if the regular contributors know this?

The Walrus of Lagos said...

Sorry for not turning up but I was having a layabout day speaking to a lady who is both better looking than yourself and even more eccentric
Unlike the pair of us she has a real job (A Dr)

I had a good look at your trougher mask this morning
Its on "Emilys" desk
Masks suit you! (=:
Nick

Antipholus Papps said...

Not many dastardly Frenchies in Western Canada, in fact they utterly detest the Quebecois here. (Poor Quebecois, while the rest of the world doesn't like them because they're French, the French don't like them because they're not sufficiently French!)

Lots of Chinese though. Still, as Eric Idle sang: I like Chinese, they only come up to your knees, they're always friendly and they're ready to please!

Blanket Of Ash said...

Katabasis, this doesn't affect the ranking on Google or anything like that. It's usually advised to sites like UK newspapers on the grounds of protecting content and pre-empting legal troubles. It's set either in the HTML code via a meta element (as with the Times) or via HTTP headers (the sneaky way).

Katabasis said...

Hey thanks for that piece of information BoA - I didn't know it could be set via HTTP headers.

I wasn't thinking of rankings when I said 'I wonder if the regular contributors know this', more of what you just said - pre-empting legal troubles. I thought it was interesting that the regular contributors seem to be 'pre-empted' in this way, but guests aren't (more thorough editorial process for the latter I guess...?)

hangemall said...

Is there nobody of influence that Mandelson doesn't have pictures of snorting coke, getting bummed, shagging gerbils etc?

hangemall said...

PS Have saved your page. Hope you don't mind.

Anonymous said...

Actually, someone forgot to remove something at the Times.

Look at the top right hand corner of this screenshot taken just moments ago.....

http://i38.tinypic.com/2gtx5z8.jpg

Word Verification = Kerry McCarthy is a cunt

Anonymous said...

Update:

Here's another screengrab of Clarkson being quite literally silenced.

Where has his quote gone?

34.tinypic.com/m8h8ad.jpg

Anonymous said...

Fuck.

Correct link: http://i34.tinypic.com/m8h8ad.jpg

VotR said...

Had to filch it. Brilliant writing by Clarkson.

Bristol Dave said...

It's still in the search results of the Times (though the link is dead) if you search for "rope" and "Mandelson".

http://bristoldaverants.blogspot.com/2009/11/jeremy-clarkson-on-mandelson-censored.html

Anonymous said...

O.T.

The Welfare State

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNcCSexb5b4

Wojtek said...

Well, it's still up on www.timesonline.co.uk... Check your links, fellows.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6907747.ece

repo trot said...

I'll reserve judgment on the meddling of the Mandelson. For me at least, the Time website has not worked properly for a while. Completely innocuous stories bring up the same error message then appear again later.

Ashtrayhead said...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6907747.ece



I saved the page on my favourites on aol and it still comes up! Don't know if the above link works though! Plus can anyone tell me how to do a screen shot please?

Ashtrayhead said...

Cancel my last, it's gone now!

Dick Puddlecote said...

I was mentioning that Tom Harris is whistling in the wind if he thinks that ignoring the populous and bunging them a few quid is going to save Labour.

In the meantime, it seems just ignoring is being ditched in favour of censoring those who write what Labour don't wish to hear.

The Labour ideology wreck just stumbles on and on.

Anonymous said...

Plus can anyone tell me how to do a screen shot please?

157 COMMENTS AND 247 RECOMMEND.

HeHe.

C & P this link it's there in full plus all the comments.

Just click on the image.

Someone is racing around removing the caches by the look of it.

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/4836/getmearopebeforemandels.jpg

Dick Puddlecote said...

For future reference Ashtrayhead. Ctrl+PrtScn then go into Paint or some such and Ctrl+V

Dick Puddlecote said...

Anon@23:21: Great catch. :-)

Sir Henry Morgan said...

No - it doesn't come up. Your machine must be digging it up out of your cache. Clean your cache and I bet you lose it.

Screengrabs.

Somwhere up around the top right of your keyboard is a key with PrtSc on it.

Get to the bit you want to grab, press Shift and PrtSc together. Bring up Microsoft Office - a blank page, Right click on it and click Paste. It'll print the page you just grabbed as a picture. May have to do this repeatedly scrolling down the page to get it all.

There is a Firefox add-on that will get you the whole page in one go - but I get it the way I've described.

Anonymous said...

It's too late for the Times to withdraw it - it was in the published version for all to see.

Anonymous said...

I fucking hate that permed cunt and his mates in a fucking aircraft hanger trying to sell cars to halfwits. These braying morons sneer at the mindless cunts drooling over a car that if they have any family didn't feed or clothe them pay any bill in about 20 years might just be able to afford a third hand piece of shit, fucking morons. Sometime ago I am told they tried to destroy a Japanese pick-up throwing it off cliffs etc. To make this shit mildly worth watching they should have strapped those three cunts who have never heard of barbers in it see if they could destroy them fucking middle class wankers. Fuck me can you imagine the pub where "Jezza" drinks that permed cunt holding court with all the acolyts hanging on every word I on the other hand hust want to hang the cunt.

GCooper said...

Thank you, your Lordship.

Old Slaughter said...

I read this when it came out. It felt reminiscent of Dan Hannon's after Lisbon. Like somebody driven to distraction.

I am shocked it is no longer available. Maybe the bits like 'mosque driven' were considered a step to far.

Glad somebody like you reposted.

caesars wife said...

That is funny .

repo trot said...

It was available for a short while when I made my earlier comment. I copied the URL from Wojtek's comment and it went straight to it.

The quote in the top right is sometimes Clarkson "I hate Peter Mandelson and his fondness for extremely pale blue jeans" as has been illustrated earlier, but unlike other quotes it doesn't link to the article.

re-writing history in the uk 2009 said...

jezza is spot on........

mandy.a member(probably small+definately covered in shit) of the communist party........twice disgraced........a minister without portfolio!!!!!!!!!!

this is when the real shit started with the ueber fotze blair-straight out of yes minister.........after that they had no shame.........
the fat useless tories just let the commies win..............

brown also has to account for the amount of money he paid for 2 properties........he couldnt afford them-so who gave him the money????

kgb?????????

they are all on the take.......
and all have the same mission-to fuck the uk........

Scrobs... said...

Marvellous - absolutely marvellous OH!

We want to be free said...

Thanks for saving and posting that OH.

o/t

who are these control freaks in gov (some like the PM who can't write nor spell) that wish to record my visits to OH's blog

ref:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/6533107/Every-phone-call-email-and-internet-click-stored-by-state-spying-databases.html

Just when will they be recording my toilet use and flushes?

Anonymous said...

With a Hat tip to O.H. - I've posted this on our local expat. website here in Europe!

Anonymous said...

It's back up, I just clicked on the times page and the quote from clarkson is in the to right hand corner and when clicked it went straight to the article.

John Holmes said...

It's back up, if you click on columnists then JC it's there again, with all the original comments (none since yesterday afternoon mind). The power of the blog, well done OH.

gordon brown denier said...

They probably realised how counter producrive their attempted censorship had turned out to be. I for one would never have read this article had they not done so.

TheBigYin said...

Just clicked on your link OH and the page appears to be still there:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6907747.ece

Anonymous said...

Er - no!
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/commen ... 907747.ece

Anonymous said...

The page is back up!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

It's here.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6907747.ece

Marchamont Needham said...

There may be plans afoot to remove all News International content from Google.

http://www.blogstorm.co.uk/news-corporation-plans-to-remove-sites-from-google/

Anonymous said...

100% support for J.C. from the two English language expat. forums I have posted this story on!

Uranus, the Magician said...

It's VERY interesting that the Times link to Clarkson's article is now working!
I guess they realised that it was all over the internet; the shit-storm was NOT subsiding, so they put a brave face on it and re-instated the rant, so as not to be accused of censorship and surrendering to Mandlething.

calgacus said...

I don't like Mandelson, but he looks less bad standing next to Clarkson (and that's saying a lot).

Clarkson's only talent is to rant on and on about things which his comments show he clearly has no fucking clue about. Why anyone would want to read an article let alone a book by that vain, pompous, air-headed wind-bag is beyond me.

He's not standing up to the powerful - he's parroting the crap he's read in the Daily Mail, The Sun and other comics whose billionaire owners are allied to the powerful and targeting those who are too weak to fight back at the time - refugees, the poor, the unemployed etc.

I am Stan said...

Calgacus...very well said.

Clarkson is just stirring up the proles to stay in the spot light and collect the checks.

Does anyone really think he gives a fuck so long as he keeps his celebrity status and nice cars...

No doubt he sits around in his leafy country pile with his middle class chums enjoying fine food and wines and complains about school tuition fees and brags about how he is looking forward to his month in Tuscany...to lots of hand clapping and general hilarity ....

Clarky knows as much about living in modern Britain as the political elite he pretends to detest..

chang said...

Excellent help! Thank you for this great tutorial!!
website development

Anonymous said...

Your link still works OH.
Clarkson always makes me laugh & this, though a serious article, is very funny. Bet Mandy in his pale blue jeans & 'tache hated it though.

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