Thursday, 19 November 2009

Health and Safety Vandalism Exclusive

OH received an Email this morning from a fellow seditionary who was surprised to find that the graves at his local church had been vandalised in a wanton display of hooliganism. Grieving relatives were arriving to find memorials to their loved ones pushed over in the mud.

Who could have done such a thing? Why?

Yup, its our old friend, the elf. As in Elf and Safety. I can confirm that the Church (St James, Christleton) has given strict instructions for graves to be pushed over to show that they can be pushed over and are therefore DANGEROUS.

Relatives were greeted with a simple sign stating "This memorial has been found to be unstable"

I'm off to push over a bishop. Very hard.


TheBigYin said...

Well we all know that Bishops are no pushover, unless an actress or tart are involved.

Where do these fuckers get off? They can't even let you rest in peace. There mantra should be, from the the cradle to beyond the grave.

Guthrum said...

You have to train as a toppling officer, I believe the fee is £50 a stone or a day I cannot rember. An MP recently trained as a toppling officer to find out what was going on (or wanted the £50) but I cannot find a reference.

Rightwinggit said...

Time for a relative or two to bring charges of criminal damage.

SO17 said...

The 'Viz' comic 20 years ago had a strip called 'The Bum Inspectors'.
who would ruff up innocent people for having slightly soiled pants.
It is now true.
A nation run by and for, Bum Inspectors.

Dave H said...

Has the only person they will ever fall on made a complaint?

Philip said...

Utter cunts.

subrosa said...

I'd sue them for touching my property. With all their brute force and ignorance I'm sure they've created unstable stones.

Spartan said...

Even Health and Safety removed this directive but councils still use the bloody thing.

It was originally directed at the large Victorian grave monuments but some company used it to frighten councils (and charge large fees of course) and from there it spread like a virus.

Anonymous said...


Newgates Knocker said...

Would they have done this if the cemetery was Islamic?
Just a thought!

Spartan said...

l believe they've over-stepped the boundaries by actually pushing them over and are therefore commiting an offence.

Warning signs may be put up and wooden support frames but there are no directives to push them over ... especially considering the tombsones are not their property.

electro-kevin said...

This is very annoying. But to blame Health and Safety people is missing the point.

I'm an ASLEF H&S Representative and work closely with managers who are shit scared (and rightly so) of being sued by no-win-no-fee lawyers. I guarantee you someone will try it on by having a grave stone 'fall' on them - that's if it hasn't happened already.

All those adverts on TV ? Where there's blame there's a claim ?

THOSE are the fuckers you should be blaming.

You want this country sorted out ?

Start closing down law courses - banish no-win-no-fee back to the States whence it came. Send back morbid obesity and rap music too while we're at it.

GCooper said...

And while you're at it, look to the insurance companies. Those bastards are complicit in a lot of this 'elf 'n' safety nonsense.

McEgan's Mum said...

"Newgates Knocker, 19 November 2009 11:42

Would they have done this if the cemetery was Islamic?"

We all know damn well they wouldn't. They would probably have offered to pay for shiny new headstones, the utter fucking cunts.

Fucking Zanu-Labour, public sector jobsworth cocksucking arsewipes.

The Beast of Clerkenwell said...

I enjoy the odd walk around Kensal Green cemetery, parakeets huge stone tombs and the odd warning sign if some monument looks a bit dodgy,
If I saw some cunt pushing over stones I would detain the fucker on the spot for criminal damage and desecrating a grave then call the police.
I happen to be lucky that our local police are fucking good at their job , thief takers who actually leave the station and patrol on foot and bike

Shades Of Ansel said...

It happened in our crem too.When we found out what was happening,myself and my Grandfather went to my Great-Grandmother's grave,and encased the area around the headstone in concrete.It STILL wasn't enough for these cunts.We STILL got an unsafe notification and they wanted £300 to 'put it right'.Even the dead can't rest in peace any more.Its fucking sick.

Anonymous said...

This is definitely a step over the line and would constitute as criminal damage. whoever did this, is a cunt of the highest order and If I were a relative, i would make this fucker pay for the crime with nothing less than a jail sentence.

George Monsoon

Ethan said...

I'd liked to have seen the rest of the photo. Do we contact Mr Keith Smallpenis or is it Mr Keith Smallbrain?

I think we should be told.


Joe Public said...

The Churchwarden responsible is
Keith Smalls 01244 335688

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Our wee boy is buried in the local cemetery and during the summer my missus will take up a pair of scissors to trim the edging around the grave, as the effort the council make to cut the grass is shoddy. Some jobsworth noticed this and we were told to stop due to 'elf and safety'. I remarked that for their own 'elf and safety' they had better fuck off out of my sight sharpish. Cunts, one and all.

they really are cunts said...

i agree with mr.monsoon........

if this was done in a jewish cemetary then the police would be called......

it is vandalism!!!!criminal damage!

why did this happen?

no doubt a money making scheme is behind it?

so much for christian values then!

siioti said...

"I'm off to push over a bishop."

Just mind it's not the baby-eating bish of Bath 'n' Wells, eh.

Katabasis said...

Rab I'm really sorry to hear that. It made me so sad to read :(

I am Stan said...

OH....those pictures are shocking,its fucking vandalism of the lowest kind...whoever is doing this needs their faces rearranged...the relatives of the deceased must be furious I know I would be...

Im sorry for the loss of your wee boy Rab!

K. MacEgan. said...

Firstly Rab, I too am sorry for your son. Genuinely. Secondly McEgans Mum, get some facts right Cuntstable, McEgans Mum is actually quite pro-BNP. Link to MI5? Clever boy! How is everything in Eaton Socon, you retarded fucking nonce?

Pavlov's Cat said...

What I can't understand is why none of the mouth breathers that did this actually said
"No, I'm not going to do that"
To their Boss.

All they had to say was that they refused for 'Religious' reasons and the Jobsworths run a mile. At least you wouldn't be party to the desecration

(Not moral reasons mind as that holds NO weight these days)

Those who did the pushing are as bad as those who ordered it.

I am Stan said...

@Pavlovs Cat-At least you wouldn't be party to the desecration

Yes surely desecration of a grave is illegal...sue the cunts!

Dick Puddlecote said...

I found an occasion like this a few months back.

In the comments, Lawson Narse posted a link to a debate in the HoC initiated by Bassetlaw MP John Mann (the topple-tester Guthrum mentioned).

Link here.

What is going wrong? It is not the Health and Safety Executive. In 2007, a written answer stated:

"In 2004, the chairman of the Health and Safety Commission wrote to all local authorities setting out the need for a pragmatic approach to this very sensitive issue."—[Hansard, 20 February 2007; Vol. 457, c. 610W.]

The problem is that some local authorities and others have not been listening. Instead of thinking pragmatically and understanding health and safety and the concept of risk assessment, local authorities have brought in private contractors and paid them a sort of piece rate, creating a perverse incentive for the contractor to stake or lay down the gravestones, deeming them to be unsafe whether they are or not.

This simply shouldn't be happening anymore. The council should be strongly challenged about this as they are acting in contravention of government guidelines. Once that is established, sue them into the middle of the next millenium and you can be damn sure other councils will stop doing it immediately.

Anonymous said...

@electro-kev and others
I'm a UNISON H & S rep and the amount of shit like this i have to politely point out is fuck all to do with elf & safety really boils my water. Not to mention distracting me from real problems.

This is the work of a gang of twats cashing in on the good intentions of the vicar by telling the poor credulous sod he could get sued if some idiot pulls a large lump of marble onto themselves. Bet the stones concerned were on well tended graves thus indicating that there is a live relative available to cough up the dosh.

Ron Broxted said...

Never mind wobbly gravestones the local authorities should check out the safety of some of cubicles in their public toilets. Just recently I have had a toilet roll holder give way whilst using it as a foothold and a lavatory bowl tip over whilst standing on it. The first incident caused a cut to my right eyebrow when the punter in the next cubicle realised I was trying to blimp him and gave me a hard slap. The badly secured lavatory bowl left me with a sprained ankle, a pair of very wet tracksuit bottoms and my trainers were soiled with crap.
So come on you Health&Safety wankers get your priorities right for once.

The Goring Madam said...

Ron I know where you are coming from on this one my significant other Backdoor Charlie has often returned home from Badger watching sporting injuries that require first-aid. I keep telling him that trawling for rough trade in cottages is dangerous but he just replies. "What life without a little bit of danger you old trout."

Anonymous said...

Any twat what haves an accident with a gravestone should dig it out and replant it and tend to it ?
In germany the graves stones last for 25 years and you must tend to these and when not you get billed !
after 6 months when the grave has settled you supply you own mud !
i nicked a wheelbarrowful on a sunday and got sent a bill six weeks later !
rab my heart bleeds m8
god bless thier little hearts

Anonymous said...

I went to view the vandalism, but tripped over a gravestone someone had pushed over.

Who do I sue?

Stonham bumboy. said...

TUG Baby (small & full of shit) you bring a Torygraph spat over here & implicate Araminta. Bad form, but then what can one expect from a fucked up retard who cottages in Eaton Soco but tells us he is a "multi-millionaire in Dubai". COCKTRUMPET.

Atheist Ranter said...

Just bring the bastards to court and do them for vandalism. That's what the cunt's have done so do them. Self important sacks of shit with fuck all better to do

Anonymous said...

I actually agree with this and strongly so! I agree H&S is a joke and has gone far too far - but not in this case. This practice of laying down unstable headstones has been going on for a few years, it is not a new policy.

A few years ago, I actually saw what can happen when an unstable gravestone is accidentally knocked over. It is not a pleasant sight.

The scene is burned into my memory - brain tissue and shattered skull strewn across the grass, radiating out about 4 feet. A solitary red high heeled shoe stuck under the edge of the headstone where the mother of a two year old had frantically tried to raise the prone headstone off her child's head. She had inadvertently knocked over a large headstone while reaching up to pick a flower from a tree above the stone. The child was playing below it.

I know that this was not an isolated incident, it has happened before and would happen again if these unstable headstones were not laid down or made safe.(who should be responsible for making them safe is another argument)

Children do play in churchyards and do climb on headstones. An unstable headstone is very heavy but sometimes it is easy to topple them.

Medway Safety said...

Happy to see that how people are interested in taking care of grave in grave yard and how people are also save after death.

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