Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Old Holborn converts to Islam

It is official. I am now a gay Muslim transgender.

I have decided that if I wish to have two wives (although it is illegal in the UK) and claim benefits for both of them, Islam will let me do it.

If I want to hide my identity in public and never be questioned, Islam is the way to do it.

If I do not want to be deported to the US for a crime committed here, once I embrace Islam , they cannot touch me. They wouldn't dare.

If I want free housing and to jump to the top of the queue, Allah will provide. Everything else is "discrimination".

Government departments will actually dismiss the opposition and hire me based purely on my new “religion” and gender status. ££££ . Help them to reach their "diversity" targets.

I can get funding for just about anything I want. To deny me is racism.

352 Labour MPs are working JUST for me, rather than the normal one.

Do it today. It costs nothing and you can always decide to be something else if it suits you later. Carry on drinking, just say you are in “rehab”, you don’t have to actually pray or visit a mosque, just stuff yourself with bacon and shag who you want.

From this moment on, I am a gay Muslim transgender. No fucker can touch me. I cannot be denied ANYTHING. I am free to do as I wish.

PS. Don’t forget to fill out every form in Arabic. They provide translators, free of charge. Work them hard.

What fun.


Anonymous said...

Good idea, let's all do it.
How's your new gay status going to fit in with your straight pride march?

Cold said...

OH have you applied to be a plinthee on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Sq?

Anonymous said...

OH - laughed myself sick reading this. Have you got the requisite clothing for your new role? If not, usually there's a lot of suitable clothing available on eBay. I got myself a burkha there a few months back (I'm female), in case I wanted to wanted to blend in with the local scene at any time.
Have you signed any forms etc or are you just filling in any new forms as they come along?
I discovered yesterday that our local council is doing an Equality & Diversity & Anti-Discrimination day later this month - as a buffet lunch is included, I shall be there!

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Sounds good, I'm converting too. Fuck it.

We don't have a mecca in my town, is it okay to pray towards the Gala bingo instead?

Field Marshall Watkins said...

You can even let Western girls burn alive in carwrecks while lying to the emergency services. Rape non-Muslims and generally be a scum bag and only get a slap on the wrist. But if you go to prison, don't forget to ask for your compass to pray to Mecca.

Anonymous said...

And once you get bored of your wives, you can convene a court of your mates and divorce them.

And have such a large extended family that when it comes to getting into the good schools there's bound to be one relative living near enough that you can borrow their address. That was commonplace when my ex was a governer at the most oversubscribed primary in xxxxxxx but the Head and Governers daren't tackle it.

banned said...

It's already 'official' that you can have up to four wives for which the Social are obliged to supply additional housing ( ie one room each for the illegal three and more for any sprogs they may bring forth ) as well as supplementing your Free Money.

Have you got a new Muslim name yet ?

Anonymous said...

Islam's like the Mafia, Scientology or the KGB. Sure, it sounds great. The glamour, the money, dozens of female slaves, sorry, "wives", a full pack of Race Cards and the right to wage jihad against whoever you want.

But, there's a downside. You can't change your mind and leave; the penalty for renouncing Islam is death. Once you're in, you're in for life. Durka, durka. Mohammed Jihad!

Wesley Groves said...

Mashallah on your reversion to Islam Brother. I think it isnt in your heart though. The police will now take an instant dislike to you & kick your door in. Watch out for BNP types putting dogshit through your letter box Effendi. Tell me how the housing list goes as the Muslims I know are still waiting.

Anonymous said...

Wesley Groves is a fucking cunt. Fact.

WV: subdigap

Foos Yer Doos said...

Don't forget to get a Shariah law bank account too.

I know someone who actually tried to do this (open a Shariah bank account) but he needed a letter from a cleric in a Mosque to show he actually was a Muslim, apparently you need to be certified to be a Muslim so I fear you may be out of luck on your venture. Or it could have been the fact he was white, not sure if someone of Asian appearance would be asked to produce the paperwork although even suggesting that this double standard exists may be racism on my part.

Could you imagine someone saying they were a Christian and having to produce a letter from their vicar to that effect? Would obviously never happen as Christianity (or any other religion so it seems) doesn't come with all the benefits the state provides to our Muslim brothers.

The Penguin said...

The only better move than going Muzzie is becoming a Pikey.

No worries about the planning laws or restrictions, no need to tax your pickup truck, no insurance required, no need for a shotgun licence, no national insurance or income tax, straight to the front of the queue at the doctor's, no TV licence required, police will leave you well alone, having a dangerous dog is perfectly OK if not essential, and you can park your caravan where ever the fuck you fancy.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

You will also get working family's tax credit. As a mortgage broker I NEVER found any case of a self employed muslim who wasn't claiming.
(I won't deal with them now)
Even those who had seious problems with the lingo,somehow managed to fill out the complicated forms,which led me to conclude that someone at their mosque was organising it all on their behalf.

Outside the box said...

...which led me to conclude that someone at their mosque was organising it all on their behalf.

Sounds like a social network rather than a conspiracy. Benefit claimants always seem to do best when someone who "knows the system" helps them out. If you don't know anyone who is on benefits, you're at a natural disadvantage if you want to make a claim. This is a problem with the benefit system.

OH have you applied to be a plinthee on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Sq?

Did you see that anti-smoking protester? What a twat, has he been asleep for the last decade? Might as well demand a Government ban on fox hunting.

Ivor Bigot said...

Does this mean you don't need a license for your AK-47 and RPG-7? Where do I sign?

Chris said...


Diversify Museum Trainee (Positive Action Traineeship)
Ref: M920
Living Allowance of £10,940 - £11,468 per annum
37 hours per week

Tyne and Wear Archives and Museums/North East Regional Museums Hub are offering a two-year full-time traineeship to prepare a person of African, African-Caribbean, Asian or Chinese descent for work in museums and galleries.


Whitey need not apply. That'll be more fuel for the BNP fire then...

Newgates Knocker said...

Isn't having to know the Koran back to front and inside out by heart, a little problematic. Night school at the madrassa could be funt though.

sconzey said...

I can't speak arabic. Is esperanto okay?

Wesley Groves said...

Anon 11.39 are you a Daily Telegraph redear by any chance?

Anonymous said...

Al Holborn?

Anonymous said...

Outside the box.....
it's called JIZRA and we're all paying it.

Old Bag said...

sounds fucking brilliant!..i will only wear a burka when goin to the local spar though..any other time im "au naturale"..im sure allah wont mind.

Rogerborg said...

>Isn't having to know the Koran back to front and inside out by heart, a little problematic.

That'll be gay Muslim transgendered dyslexic, you Nazi.

Wesley Groves said...

Al U Minium is not the Syrian President.

Ratings and Recommendations by outbrain


Related Posts with Thumbnails