You can stick your CCTV, Police State, wheelie bin Stasi, DNA, WMD, “Social Cohesion”, benefits for all, guilty until proved innocent, don’t do that it’s illegal now, can’t say that, ID cards for all, where are you going, what have you been saying/doing/reading, can’t photograph that, how very dare you, golliwog banning, we know where you live, we’re watching you Soviet Utopia up your arses. Sideways.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

A Survival Guide for Decent Folk

This is a little piece I found on the Internet. It explains fully why Sir David Eady QC (above) was so keen for the author to lose his anonymity, his blog and very nearly his job. That's Sir David Eady of Tenterden, Kent (full address on, google maps shows his house) who is obsessed about Privacy except when it exposes legal incompetence.

In these days of us increasingly having to deal with law abiding folk who have fallen foul of the “entitled poor” and those who have learned how to use us to score points and exact revenge, I thought it would be a good idea to give out a bit of general guidance for those law abiding types who find themselves under suspicion or under arrest. It works for the bad guys so make it work for you.

Complain First

Always get your complaint in first, even if it is you who started it and you who were in the wrong. If things have gone awry and you suspect the cops are going to be called, get your retaliation in first. Ring the cops right away and allege for all you are worth. If you can work a racist or homophobic slant into it so much the better.

Make a counter allegation

Regardless of the facts, never let the other side be blameless. If they beat you to the phone, ring anyway and make a counter allegation against them. Again racism or homophobia are your friends. If you are not from a visible minority ethnic culture, may I suggest that that the phrase “You gay bastard” or similar is always useful. In extremis allege sexual assault. It gives us something to bargain with when getting the other person to drop their complaint on a quid-pro-quo basis. This is particularly good where there are no independent witnesses. When it boils down to one word against another and nobody is ‘fessing up, CPS run a mile and you, my friend, are definitely on a walk out

Never explain to the Police

If the Police arrive to lock you up, say nothing. You are a decent person and you may think that reasoning with the Police will help. “If I can only explain, they will realise it is all a horrible mistake and go away”. Wrong. We do want to talk to you on tape in an interview room but that comes later. All you are doing by trying to explain is digging yourself further in. We call that stuff a significant statement and we love it. Decent folk can’t help themselves, they think that they can talk their way out. Wrong.

Admit Nothing

To do anything more than lock you up for a few hours we need to prove a case. The easiest route to that is your admission. Without it, our case may be a lot weaker, maybe not enough to charge you with. In any case, it is always worth finding out exactly how damning the evidence is before you fall on your sword. So don’t do the decent and honourable thing and admit what you have done. Don’t even deny it or try to give your side of the story. Just say nothing. No confession and CPS are on the back foot already. They forsee a trial. They fear a trial. They are looking for any excuse to send you home free.

Keep your mouth shut

Say as little as possible to us. At the custody office desk a Sergeant will ask you some questions. It is safe to answer these. For the rest of the time, say nothing.

Claim Suicidal Thoughts

A debatable one this. Claiming to be thinking about topping yourself has several benefits. If you can keep it up, it might just bump up any compensation payable later. On the other hand you may find yourself in a paper suit with someone watching your every move.

Always always always have a solicitor

Duh. No brainer this one. Unless you know 100% for sure that your mate the solicitor does criminal law and is good at it, ask for the Duty Solicitor. They certainly do criminal law and they are good at it. Then listen to what the solicitor says and do it. Their job is to get you off without the Cops or CPS laying a glove on you if at all possible. It is what they get paid for. They are free to you. There is no down side. Now decent folks think it makes them look like they have something to hide if they ask for a solicitor. Irrelevant. Going into an interview without a solicitor is like taking a walk in Tottenham with a big gold Rolex. Bad things are very likely to happen to you. I wouldn’t do it and I interview people for a living.

Actively complain about every officer and everything they do

Did they cuff you when they brought you in? Were they rude to you? Did they racially or homophobically abuse you? Didn’t get fed? Cell too cold? You are decent folk who don’t want to make a fuss but trust me, it pays to whinge and no matter how trivial and / or poorly founded your complaint there are people who will uncritically listen to you and try and prove the complaint on your behalf. Some of them are even police officers. Nothing like a complaint to muddy the waters and suggest that you are only in court because the vindictive Cops have a grudge against you. Far fetched? Wait until your solicitor spins it in court and you come over as Ghandi.

Show no respect to the legal system or anybody working in it

You think that if you are a difficult, unpleasant, sneering, unco-operative and rude things will go badly for you and you will be in more trouble. No sirree Bob. It seems that in fact the worse you are, the easier things will go for you if, horror of horrors, you do end up convicted. Remember to fake a drink problem if you haven’t developed one as a result of dealing with us already. Magistrates and Judges do seem to like the idea that you are basically good but the naughty alcohol made you do it. They treat you better. Crazy I know but true.

So there you go, basically anything you try and do because you are decent and staightforward hurts you badly. Act like an habitual, professional, lifestyle criminal and chances are you will walk away relatively unscathed. Copy the bad guys, its what they do for a living.


Anonymous,  17 June 2009 at 10:19  

What a smug bastard. Fuck him.

mr flatus bleve esq.,  17 June 2009 at 10:21  

Wonder how many gerbils that bloke gets through in a week?

Wouldn't be able to report it even if we knew - coincidence?

wv: noids ... indeed.

Rab C. Nesbitt 17 June 2009 at 11:14  

Do not ever, EVER, accept a 'police caution'. Take your day in court.

A caution stays with you for life. It'll probably fuck up some future plans you don't even know about yet.

Guilty or not, do not accept a caution.

M de Plouquenet 17 June 2009 at 11:26  

Wear the uniform, pay the price. Duty solicitors are a mixed bunch, either good or shite. Plod is there to fit you up. Zero co-operation with the bastards. Think P.O.W. You will, in effect be a political prisoner anyway. New Scotland Yard delenda est.

Parkylondon 17 June 2009 at 12:29  

Can you give us the original link to this please?

Thud 17 June 2009 at 12:49  

Experience has shown that pretty well all of the above works.

Anonymous,  17 June 2009 at 13:11  

Always always always have a solicitor

A)YEP DEFFO, the solicitor will find out what they have on you and get you released quicker.

Duh. No brainer this one. Unless you know 100% for sure that your mate the solicitor does criminal law and is good at it, ask for the Duty Solicitor. They certainly do criminal law and they are good at it. Then listen to what the solicitor says and do it.

Solicitors are often complete fuckwits, use their advice as a rough guide only, ask lots of questions and if the advice sounds like shit, it probably is.

Especially be wary of any solicitor who advices you to `fess up in a desputed case.

If it gets to court you can alwatys change your plea which looks good on the day.

No One will care what went before as the case is now over.

Anonymous,  17 June 2009 at 13:28  

Rab C. Nesbitt said...
Do not ever, EVER, accept a 'police caution'. Take your day in court.

A caution stays with you for life. It'll probably fuck up some future plans you don't even know about yet.

Guilty or not, do not accept a caution.

17 June 2009 11:14

A) Unless you think you would lose the case in court.

While plod is out to get you and will use the caution as a last resort if his case is failing.

You must remember that in a 50/50 case, or a case where you feel the odds can only worsen in a court case, it is `your` gamble whether you take it or not, it could work for you, but do not ever take a caution without advice from a solicitor, the police often don't pull the weak case caution trick if you have a solicitor.

But will offer it in a tricky case.

Remember a full conviction is more damaging and expensive, a caution just may work in your advantage from time to time, but as a general rule avoid them, the case is often too weak to go to court.

But do not blindly reject a caution.

No right to a solicitor in Scotland,  17 June 2009 at 14:32  

There's no right to ask for a solicitor under Scottish Law although I hear this is being challenged in the European Court of Human Rights. The Scottish government are awaiting hundreds of claims for wrongful conviction if they lose the case.

Cold 17 June 2009 at 15:37  

I've fallen foul of the advice to not assist plod in the recent past - and am back in Court on 6th July 2009.

At that time - for my own reasons, nothing to do with whether or not it's being true or not I will be pleading guilty, despite the advice of my lawyer who wants to fight it tooth-and-nail.

Anonymous,  17 June 2009 at 16:28  

What a queen, Mandy should like him.

Wonder if he likes buggering boys in the judges lodgings.

Anonymous,  17 June 2009 at 16:34  


It would be nice if you could re-publish any other articles that you might have saved from the same source. I regret not having done so when I first read them.

Many thanks.


aljahom 17 June 2009 at 17:33  

I can only echo this comment: "Solicitors are often complete fuckwits, use their advice as a rough guide only, ask lots of questions and if the advice sounds like shit, it probably is.

Especially be wary of any solicitor who advices you to `fess up in a desputed case.

Caveat Numptor...


Close But No Cigar,  17 June 2009 at 19:51  

Most of this advice is good and true. I know only too well from my own recent experience of false malicious allegations of harassment, made by someone in authority and in the knowledge of how the system worked. All as a result of comments the twat didn’t like I made on a blog similar to this. I made a joke at this person’s expense relating to the Mr T snickers advert on TV. There was never a case for me to answer, all they wanted was my DNA & finger prints. Once processed and interviewed, I was sent home on my way with no further action taken. Having said that, the Policeman who arrested me had professional and personal connections with the complainant. Lucky for me, they booked my arrest in advance, so I had time to prepare documented proof of this connection, as well as my overwhelming innocence and was able to give further documented proof that this person had a grudge against me and my family. The duty solicitor tore them up for bog paper and earned his money that night. The only regret is that I didn’t make a counter complaint, I was advised to do so, but though it petty. Still next time eh? One learns from ones mistakes.

Martin Kearns 17 June 2009 at 20:30  

Anon 16:34 - and anyone else wanting to read from Nightjack's archives - a good (though dwindling) supply of his stuff can be read here.

Cached results only.

Charles,  18 June 2009 at 19:14  

Martin Kearns

Thanks very much for that link.


FTAC Watch 29 December 2009 at 14:08  

I tried most of that lot when the FTAC send the police round to abduct me from my home. It took me five months to get released. A complaint to the IPCC failed because they only consider the lies of the arresting officer to be true. I was held for over six hours without food, drink or bathroom breaks at one hospital. Indeed I never got to have any food for a full 24 hours after my abduction. I was never allowed to see a solicitor.

For five months I suffered at the hands of ‘doctor’ Ferdinand Jonsson on instructions from the FTAC. The abuse I suffered was straight out of the KUBARK manual. Jonsson lied and fabricated ever increasingly wild diagnosis and explanations of what was supposedly wrong with me. Never would they consider any of the evidence that I produced that proved what I was saying and that there was nothing wrong with me except being an innocent drive-by victim of New Labour’s traitorous policies.

Once they did allow a tribunal to be held after they had deliberately delayed it as long as they could, I was unconditionally discharged from hospital. The tribunal was chaired by Maria Fernandes, the wife of Labour MP Keith Vaz. If someone like that would not go along with the false imprisonment then it shows just corrupt it was.

Since release, I have been refused any assistance even though I am in desperate need of it. I had considered suicide during this current period, but I have decided to seek redress through other means.

Ron Broxted,  29 December 2009 at 14:24  

I have always found that one of the best ways to cut a deal with the old bill is to grass up your mates.

The Beast of clerkenwell,  29 December 2009 at 15:18  

I have been nicked a few times nothing immora) including for things that shouldnt be a reason arrest
Assault while defending myself
a dispute over property
firearms without a license (they should be handed out freely)

Old Grandpa Beast was copper for 12 years and always gave me this advice
"SAY NOTHING" and followed that by telling me that police rely on people coughing the job.
SO17 will confirm this as will his bro Kev.
Another thing, keep demanding water, it drives them nuts, and they tend not to listen to the bell
also show your solicitor the unsanitary conditions of the cell and the lavatory plus lack of blankets, lack of bog roll, have a shit smear it around your anus and demand to see a dr when your solicitor arrives so as how he can have a look at your shit caked arsehole

The beast of clerkenwell,  29 December 2009 at 15:20  

Mr Broxted
Same with HMRC
A person I knew was told "Give us ten names and we will let you go"
And he owedc a fucking lot

Lord Snooty,  29 December 2009 at 16:46  

Beast you have been conned. The Marquis de Plouquenet is the real Ron, the faux one is either where he lies about being an Old Harrovian or where he lies about being in Las Vegas. His only role in life is to troll. After 2 years he still hasn't got anyones name address or details. He is a failed special constable, less prosaic than the LL.M Cantab he claims.

thelunaticarms 29 December 2009 at 18:52  

Start taking a pen and pad out with you.

If stopped, before they even get to bid you "Hi", ask for their name, number, police station, home address, telephone contact numbers and even where they got their shoes from.

By Law, they have to answer your questions. When they decline (and they will), bid them farewell and then proceed to fuck off. If they persist, tell them that as they refused to give their home address, why should you? Whatever excuse they give you, say you don't buy it or agree with it. Then again, fuck off. May get arrested, may not, if you do, good chance to try out the list.

Even better if it is unlawful and involves a bit of rough and tough handling, more £££ to sue them for.

(BTW - was this on the Thinking (LOL) Policeman's blog?)

Oh yeah, fuck the police.

yokel 29 December 2009 at 21:33  

@thelunaticarms: The quoted post was from a serving police officer. He posted under the pen name Nightjack. Mr "Justice" Eady was responsible for outing him. As OH noted, it almost cost Nightjack his job, but the price for saving that was to close his blog.

banned 30 December 2009 at 05:42  

Nightjack archived here, in full, including comments and extrenal links. external links.

H/T Salted slug

418 3 January 2010 at 16:15  

"Magistrates and Judges do seem to like the idea that you are basically good but the naughty alcohol made you do it. They treat you better. Crazy I know but true."

This kind of indulgence will only be afforded to the relatively well-off in future and quite right too! See the new cost of booze to come: 50p per unit; this means that Special Brew will cost nearly £4 a pint! Only under ZaNuLabour ...

418 3 January 2010 at 16:19  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Related Posts with Thumbnails
Copyright © Old Holborn 2007-2008 and the respective owners whoever they may be - though it's hardly likely is it?. All rights reserved. Every single one. None of the materials provided on this web site may be used, eaten, reproduced, or transmitted, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, carrier pidgeon, osmosis, semaphore, chav txting (gr8) recording or the use of any information storage and retrieval system, papyrus, bits of old toilet paper, fag packets, carrier bags, mystic meg etc., except as provided for under fair use, without permission in writing from the publisher - me and my dog. To request such permission and for further enquiries, contact the dog using the contact form. Offer her a bone. She likes bones.

To be governed is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be governed is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be placed under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonoured. That is government; that is it's justice; that is its morality.

Back to TOP