I Am the Very Model of a Modern Parliamentarian

I am the very model of a modern Parliamentarian,
I've nothing but contempt for the humble proletarian
I'm anti- drink, I'm anti-smoke, and I'm chastely ecological,
I quote from Hansard and I'm never logical
I've learned to speak at conferences, colloquia and seminars
I've even sent impassioned pleas to European commissars
I never miss a photo op because it's free publicity
I smile, shake hands, kiss babies and praise everyone's ethnicity.

[Chorus:]
He is the very model of the modern parliamentarian
He's nothing but contempt for the humble proletarian

There is no universal law, that I must live a life of sleaze
Nor is there proof the world is fair, nor that I should do as you would please
I know the code of Green Book Law and which receipts are optional
I bolster up my claims with fabrications risible
Of moats, and porn, and mortgages invisible
Those claims are valid; the Green Book's a revelation
It says we can, and there's no taxation

[Chorus:]
The claims are valid, the Green Book a revelation
It says he can and there's no taxation

You get nowt from Fees office if you can't show your claim to it
But we never fear de-selection by our constituencies
We wrote the rules, that's why they're lax
And we rely on you to pay the tax
That's why I think I am invincible
The laws of this great land of ours were written with a lot of thought
So when I violate them, it's important that I not get caught.

[Chorus:]
The laws of this great land of ours were written with a lot of thought
So when he violate them, it's important that he not get caught.

My financial pursuits have caused a few to say I'm cynical
I can say I'm not and not be one ounce hypocritical
When wreathes are laid, I cough and clear my phlegm
I'm confident that someone else will pay for them
I serve on 10 committees, none of which do anything
I formulate agendas and debate them with the rest of them
But don't ask me to implement, I leave that to the rest of them

[Chorus:]
Yes, the Green Book will save this troughing riparian,
He is the very model of a modern parliamentarian

I'll guard the health of my pension by self-interest most astute:
I realise that you voters find my avarice quite vital
I'll give back your money if you can prove your title
And spin the tale with arguments convolute
Until my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, 'Ridiculous!'

[Chorus:]
Until his lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, 'Ridiculous!'

I love to say at any chance that everything is relative
And prove it with statistics showing nothing is correlative
About this act I haven't even moments of remorsefulness
I have the utmost confidence in the whips' resourcefulness
So though we have run quite amok, we readily will go away
If for my worthless time, you were an extra £60,000 to pay.
In short, with economy shrunken and democracy gone,
For all my years of graft, my C.V. is just one line long

He was an MP and now he has gone

[Chorus:]
Oh yes, he has gone, but there's more of the same on the way,
There's more of the same on the way.