Sunday, 3 May 2009

Canvass me, I DARE you

With the EU "elections" looming, we can expect visits from local "political" scumbags hoping we will haul our sorry arses to the polling stations, where our votes will be registered against our names to vote for more of the same shite.

OH Guide to Doorstep Canvassing by Part time activists.

1. A small sign on the gate reading "No implied access" is enough legalise to allow you to murder with reasonable force anyone walking up the garden path and get you off scot free. Remember, you genuinely believed they were going to kill you.

2. If they make it past the dogs, moat and electric fence, make sure you have wired the doorbell to the mains.

3. Should they be wearing rubber shoes and survive, look them in the eyes, holding a meat cleaver and explain that you are in fact a Satanist, a racist and that women are slaves of men. Children are for eating. Animals are for your "pleasure"

4. Introduce them to your children

5. Offer to play them a recording of Margaret Thatcher/Michael Foot/Jeremy Thorpe reciting allegiance to the devil. Backwards of course.

6. Wear a sombrero and cough and sneeze

7. Take off all your clothes. Right there. (my favourite)

8. Introduce yourself as Josef Fritzel

9. Chew on a bone

10. Call the police and tell them an armed white male has just called you a filthy immigrant Muslim on your doorstep.

Fuck with them. Delay them for HOURS. Make them squirm, make them miserable. Enjoy every second of it.


Anonymous said...

Sorry, love your stuff normally but this sort of thing is rather old.

Old Bag said...

it never ceases to amaze me that we dont see one fucking local political cunt all fucking year (that is, if you want to) but as soon as there are elections, then you can move for the fuckers. makes you wonder what they do the rest of the time (insert thoughts..clean is optional).

Oldrightie said...

Old Bag said...

Sad post this. All the carping about the shit state we are in and this answer, do fuck all about it. In the last five years I have put togeter around 20 opportunities for people to "have their say". Unless it's in the backyard the lazy twats can't be arsed. Well, Brown and the political stuff you loathe so much is as it is because , for all the whining, lazy, idle wasters do sod all.

Guthrum said...

I am afraid they already avoid me like the plague, I ask awkward questions that cannot be answered by brown/clegg/cameron is a good bloke

microdave said...

Can't remember the last time we actually had anyone on the doorstep canvassing - all we get is a leaflet if we are lucky.

Anonymous said...

I will be out there on June 4th because if I don't vote, I can't really complain about the bags of shite in office. However, on the interim strategy I've not made my mind up as yet - to just refuse to answer the door (usual reaction in case it's a debt collector, a Stasi from the Council wanting to talk about recycling/neighbourhood watch/snooping on the neighbours or Dick Head from the BBC demanding to see a TV licence) or whether to leap out with glad cries, abuse them roundly, their Party, their family & their mothers and tell them to fuck off when they try & talk back or to let them drivel on, making m'mm noises of encouragement, then finally go 'No English, sorry' - with my colouring I can get away with that. I guess I just need to work out which approach will bring me the most personal pleasure & the least to them.

Dick Puddlecote said...

I'm glad I won't have to trot up the path to your gaff when I'm standing for GE 2010.

Seeing as I owe you a beer, you'd probably have the gatling primed too. ;-)

Old Bag said...

old rightie:
the point i was making is that, especially in the area i live in is that we never hear from any politians at any other time, other than when they want our not complaining about voting, just that said politicians seem to forget about the people who vote for them afterwards..not so much as a update leaflet through the door or an opportunity to "have our say"..but again, that is just where i other parts of the country, it may well be diffrent.

Henry North London said...

I only got to meet my MP for the first time on Friday, I have to say that she didnt impress me that much

Have had a leaflet through from the Labour party, but nothing from the Cons, or the UKIP

BenS said...

Hm, yes, I'd actually relish the chance to ask awkward questions

woman on a raft said...

I had a nice chap round who seemed to badly want to know about the roads and such like, so we went for a walk and I explained the local traffic system to him.

I gave him good advice based on evidence and experience, that although people said they wanted something done, ALL of the suggestions would make the situation materially worse and they would come round and blame him. By this means I hoped to avoid him buggering-up the roads any more than they already are, and to help him avoid the elephant's graveyard of local politicians. I'm all heart, me.

He nodded his head, thanked me, and took no bleedin' notice, immediately whamming in a stupid proposal to the committee and seeking 'public debate'.

Next time I'm just going to tell them the quickest way to mince their own hands, seeing as how they seem to like that kind of thing.

K. McEgan said...

Yes sure cos no politico has ever had ome punter diss them.I was thinking about this earlier.Post after post "something must be done" yes kill plod is a start.Recall what Seneca said (The man who is not afraid to die will always be your master) but fuck it you dudes have mortgages,worry about getting Fiona & Rupert in "good" (white chavless) schools.Oh puleeze!

caesars wife said...

i like the bone one OH , tearing a large leg of lamb , you would need a great dane to complete the picture , and a variety of stuffed big game heads on the hall wall .


clochoderic said...

Last time the Nulab Hoons came to my door with a leaflet (Wee Doogie`s constituency) I wanted to have a word with the nuggets but they all fucked off in fear at the first sign of hostility. My local councillor even flicked me the v sign as he beat his retreat.
Let`s bury these shites next time.

electro-kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
electro-kevin said...

"will be out there on June 4th because if I don't vote, I can't really complain about the bags of shite in office."

Anon @ 22.41

See how the EU have got us playing their game ?

Did anyone vote to be part of a supra-national political block ? Last I recall was that there was a vote to become part of a common trading area. Now look at what it has become ! A new sovietised union of states.

So by voting - for whatever party - one is endorsing the EU; every cross in every box lending more power and more credence to this corrupt, creeping and undemocratic organisation.

The only course of action for a patriot is to deface the ballot paper. We should start a campaign.

Where is our referendum ? Not on the Lisbon treaty which is just another ruse to dupe us into accepting the authority of the EU ...

Where is our referendum on whether or not we want to remain part of the EU ?

That's the only voting slip I want to make my mark on.

Dick the Prick said...

Dale's running a survey thing which states than in Euro bollox 'first passed the post' is illegal - ilfuckinglegal. Now, seeing as it's bank holiday and I got far too drunk last night to even consider wanking for a few hours, I'm all ears to do a Bogdanor and mull over the various pros & cons of alternative voting systems but at no fucking point will I ever advocate making any system fucking illegal.

I'm not a Tory (though I am), i'm not a liberal (though I am) but I am a dirty, miserable, fucked off to the back teeth democrat. Any fucking democracy and chances are i'll have fucked off down the boozer but making it illegal what system has governed Blighty for a few quiet & uneventful centuries kindof offends me with cherries on top.

Anonymous said...

Dick the Prick Ah, Europe. You'd think these fuckstains would have learned. FPTP weeds out the weirdo parties and is preferable to PR.

I'm even happier with the concept of 'no job, no vote'.

Dick the Prick said...

Anon - 8.01 - fucking ay to that. Not only that it makes the bigger parties broader and (usually - this current hectoring anal wart aside) more able to compromise yet not sell the fucking shop. PR - democracy for the fuck you cunt classes - everybody's equal except the people obviously - they really should have gone and fucked themselves if they had any manners.

The Economic Voice said...

If you're not in a marginal area then you won't get a visit. It's not worth their time but it will appear on the expenses form.

Old Holborn said...

I'm with EK on this one.

Old Soviet and Iraqi elections used to get 99% turnouts. Their masters grinned from ear to ear as they knew they were safe from having to explain that only 12% of the population actually voted.

Don't vote. Don't play their game. It REALLY annoys them when they try to tell us they have a peoples mandate when 8 people actually turned up.

Dick the Prick said...

OH - it's better to be in pissing out than out pissing in. There's a possibility that philosophy has gone out of the window. Frankly, i've always found it a little bit peculiar that politics & philosophy are linked - certainly not economics. I can't remember the last time I had opinion. Well, that's not strictly true but it's like listening to Bucks Fizz or something - an indulgence not to be too happy about if discovered. There's a job of work to be done and I couldn't give a fuck if the game's rigged - i'm playing the cunts on a one string banjo and a decent right hook.

What's that smell? said...

Just tell them you are going to vote BNP, then shut the door as they will have shat themselfs.

Vote while you still can! said...

`EU Dave` and blue Labour backs big brother EUSSR!

Small goverment Conservatives eh?

Greg Lance-Watkins, Google Video, The EU Soviet said...

I`m going to vote if only for my own self-respect. I shall just write - LEAVE THE EU on the ballot paper.

Dick - You really think that things can be allowed to keep going with FPTP? There won`t be a country around soon if we don`t get rid of these minority dictatorships. We should have PR, swiss style referendums and as many government functions as possible driven down to county level.

sixtypoundsaweekcleaner said...

Why can't we just sack the lot? I know I'm a political dimwit, but just what do politicians do? Surely we don't actually need so many of them?

captainff said...

E-K said "The only course of action for a patriot is to deface the ballot paper. We should start a campaign."

I had the same idea and have issued a challenge to all who read; persuade 5 others to deliberately spoil their ballot.

Old Holborn said...

Like the idea Captain..

except I'd spend ALL DAY spoiling a thousand ballot papers

The Penguin said...

You can practice all year round on Jehovah's Witnesses. Invite them in, make them a cup of tea (keep some cups handy with some salt in them), apologise for not having any sugar because you're diabetic, and engage them in theological discussion before admitting to being a practising Satanist and a White Witch (or Wizard). Or a Druid. Having some mistletoe in a dried flower arrangment with some other weird stuff helps. And a few choice books laying around in full sight.

If they are brave / daft enough to drink the salted tea without complaining / coughing / sicking up, when they do escape you know you'll have given them something of lasting benefit.

The Penguin

Alan Wallace Jury Team said...

Well I'm doing the "if you hate it so much get off your arse and do something" bit and for the first time in my life found myself knocking on people's doors to canvas. Can I just say I've never felt so awkward in my life. Total fuckin' stranger banging at the door and spouting politics when yer tea's getting cold.

For all you guys who hate canvassers, can I just say for me personally it was just as cringe-worthy.

But how else can I tell people that I'm standing as an Independent, an "anti-politician", out to blow the whistle on all the shite that's going on? I don't have money, I can't afford glossy magazine ads or tv time. I've never done this before and I don't have hundreds of activists running around to do things for me.

Every night until June 4th I'll be getting in from work, grabbing a coffee then hitting the streets. When it gets too late to be decently knocking at doors, I'll be back on my blog or firing off e-mails to newspapers but hearing some of you promising to abuse me if I turn up is just a bit off-putting.

If I or anyone else turns up at your door, let fly with both barrels. Say exactly what you mean to say. I can't speak for anyone else, but you've got my attention and if you give me good material, I'll use it.

Adrian P said...

Name me one Party that can solve
The Demographics Problem

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