Saturday, 14 March 2009

Thanks Very Much Say Burglars Association of Great Britain

A spokesthief for the Burglars Association Of Great Britain today publicly thanked the Home Office for it's help in ensuring that British Burglars would soon be able to break into properties in the certain knowledge that the occupants would be away on holiday.

"Of course it makes sense. Our membership are none too keen on breaking and entering when the householder might be on hand. You just never know if they have a shotgun or something, nutters like that Tony Martin, could be well dangerous. And some of them bleeding heart liberals, going on about the right of people to defend themselves in their own homes, fucking well out of order, innit? Practically infringing my members human rights, talk like that! Then there's a well dodgy precedent set the other fucking day, bloke gets clean away with shooting and killing one of our founder members who was breaking in threatening violence. What sort of jury would do a thing like that? So we need all the help that government can gives us, and this database will come in well handy."

Phil Woolas was unavailable for comment, he was busy redecorating his constituency office.

The Penguin.


Delphius1 said...

HaHaHa! Its supposed to catch criminals who attempt to flee the country.

Except now with all this publicity, they'll know about the system and flee illegally anyway. FFS they're criminals, so they're hardly going to be criminally intent right up until passport checking and then suddenly become upright law-abiding citizens are they?

No, they'll nick a motor cruiser and drive it to France, or pay a mate to do it for them on the QT.

All a database does is record the information you put into it. It doesn't Police borders, it doesn't go out and catch criminals. Real Plod, real Customs officers do that. Put the fucking money into employing more of them if you want to stop the Taliban sneaking in, or crims sneaking out.

Which company is involved in all of these new databases and which MPs are getting a fucking big backhander to implement them all?

Harrithebastard said...

I realise shooting the local scaghead with both barrels is not legal if the local PSCO gets wind of it.

But what about caving their heads in with a baseball bat and burying scagheads corpse under the patio?

Saves on sharp sand and hardcore!

The Penguin said...

Give the cunt both barrels by all means but do it right in the front. Then claim you were defending youself by threatening to shoot, but the gun went off accidentally when the bastard moved towards you and you were afraid for your own safety.

Then you should be OK.

Don't shoot them in the back of the legs as they run away.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

What the fuck happened?

If the ACPO were actually going around "disappearing" people, and this was widely known, then Jack Straw and Tom Harris would still be writing smug Guardian articles about how "talk of a police state is nonsense".

We're going to end up having to notify the police if we want to travel to Tesco.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Ensure you have your travel permit and identity card with you when you take the kids to the cinema, go shopping etc etc. Disobedience will not be tolerated.

microdave said...

And this is going to stop hundreds of illegal immigrants with no documents flooding in from France every day? - No, didn't think so....

So once again the decent, law abiding majority suffer, while the real problem continues unaffected.

Chris said...

Beaten to the Sangatte angle by microdave. It's not people leaving the country who are the problem.

Even swimmers attempting to cross the Channel and their support teams will be subject to the rules which will require the provision of travellers' personal information...

Beyond fvcking parody (although this is probably the 'also to be pelted with turds' clause included with the intention of dropping it later).

Stasi Britain. Shuffling the deckchairs on the Titanic. Last one out lock up. etc.

Jock Coats said...

When I saw the title I thought this might have been about a case reported today (but I can't find where now - perhaps in Oxford) where a judge did not hand down a custodial sentence to an habitual burglar on the basis that "it hadn't deterred him in the past". That's alright then - not "three strikes and you're out" but keep doing it and we'll give up!

Goodnight Vienna said...

This has been in the pipeline for a while and I speet at this government. I wouldn't mind if they had the best interests of our Nation at heart, but they don't; they simply derogate anything of importance to the EU and then sit on their hands and say, "Whoops, where did that come from? Vote for me and I'll set you free."

Who are the muppets? The electorate of the politicians?

Anonymous said...


Of course your travel agent wouldn't know you were on holiday, would he?

Anonymous said...

Delphius1 said...

"HaHaHa! Its supposed to catch criminals who attempt to flee the country."

But if they're illegal immigrants, how will we know they've left?

The Penguin said...

Anonymouse @16.07

Less of the abusive language.

There have been cases of travel agency staff tipping criminals off, I believe. But that's not the same as the government, with its brilliant track record of secure data, having a complete record, is it?

So your point is rather like a broken pencil.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

well, well, I thought the Daily Mail and their "50 official questions you have to answer before you travel" was scaremongering - dang... looks like they were on the money.

This /is/ an outrageous response to years of blatant mismanagement, incompetence and undiluted boobery from our so called public servants and it's going to end badly.

Angry Exile said...

There was me wondering whether to renew my UK passport. Do I pay $270, and possibly have to schlep all the way to fucking Canberra - one of the world's dullest cities - for the rare occasions I might want to go back to the UK? Hmmm, decisions, decisions.... You know what? Fuck it, I'm not going to bother. I'll go as far as the Calais seaside and meet people there, assuming they're fucking allowed out at all, but not one fucking inch closer to the USSUK than that.

Thanks ZanuLab. You've saved me $270. I promise to spend it on beer and chocolate.

Anonymous said...

The effect will be that more law abiding free people will emigrate to get away from the control freak shittery of GB and the criminals will stay behind.

Anonymous said...

It'll be a fucking cold day in Hell when I comply with this snoopers charter law. Fuck the cunts & lie to them at every turn - you know you want to!

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