Thursday, 12 March 2009

Stanislav's Couch

"People who lose their jobs in the recession are to be offered specialist counselling for depression and anxiety, it was revealed. Sufferers will be referred to psychotherapists using an advice network in Jobcentres, doctors' surgeries and NHS Direct.”
Mrs Woman On A Raft, stanislav’s, yesterday.

The NHS will be besieged by newly-unemployed RecessionNutters, storming the hospitals.

Lemme in, my head’s fucked. I wanna see the MoneyNurse. Gimme a prescription for some money, lots of fucking money, just print me some up, you can do that, fifties’ll do. Let's see now, there’s the electric, and the gas and the mortgage, fuck me, that bastard mortgage. And the car loan, and the holiday loan and the conservatory loan and the credit cards and the store cards. They said I could get sorted, down here, at the ‘ospickal. Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?

Good morning customer, I’m Tracy and I’m your hastily trained personal psychobabbler. Just lie down here and I’ll try to help you put things in perspective……

When do I get the money prescription…..?

Well, you know, Sir, things may look horribly so-not-good for you just now and, indeed, in the infinite future but have you stopped to think of all the new schoolsanospitals built by the government………?

OK…I’ll give it a go……right, I’m thinking about them…….are these the ones we’re all gonna be paying for until the Crack of fucking Doom, these fucking PFI things……I don’t think it’s gonna help me, love, thinking about all this shit ….. I mean….. thieving fucking bastards again, innit, just like always.

Well. Alright, Sir, this is your session….Have you thought about all the new police officers out on the beat under NewLabour…..?

Thought about them?? Fucking thought about them? These are the bastards gonna order your head filled full of machine gun fucking bullets as part of their career development plan, got these nasty little things gonna wire you up to the National fucking Grid, get fucking sparks coming out of your fucking eyeballs, standing there jerking like a fucking spastic pissing yourself and smoke rising from your bollocks, fuck me, Community Unification Tasering Squads they call ‘em, Cunts. What’m I supposed to think about them? Whaddayou think about them….? D’you fancy getting sparked up like Blackpool fucking Illuminations ? When do we get to the bit about the money…?

Alright, Sir, but you can’t deny the three million new jobs created by the prime minister, Gordon Brown………

Aye, and the five million just going down the toilet, no more boom and fucking bust, he said, won’t let house prices rise out of control. Paid half a million for my fucker, worth sixty grand now, negative equity ? I’m so fucking negative I blow all the fucking fuses in the house. Three million jobs ? Slinging Have a nice fucking day hamburgers and stacking shelves down Tesco, Every little fucking helps. Doesn’t help me, three million shit jobs. Are you gonna gimme some fucking money or what. Or is this just more government bollocks ?If I was a banker, you'd be fucking burying me in fucking money......

Well, actually, Sir, this initiative isn’t about money….

Not about fucking money? Well what the fuck is it about, then…..?

It’s about helping you identify inner resources to help you cope with this minor hiccup in your fortunes and which started in America and is not the fault of the prime minister….

Oh, yeah…?

….but the fault of the sub-primesters in the US and elsewhere, only not here…

I thought coming down here it was about getting some fucking money like the fucking bankers…..

And giving you an opportunity to talk about having no money…

Talk about it ? Not bad enough just not having it ? Got baillifs kicking the doors in. Race riots outside. Food riots round the fucking corner . And you want me to talk about not having any fucking money, what’s the point of that…?……

And we give you this free book by Doctor Raj Peraud, off the telly, Skint, Bankrupt and Homeless, Strategies for Coping……..

But no money…….?

Actually, yes, no money…..all been burnt, you see, I just get luncheon vouchers, myself, fancy a cup of tea, no milk, mind, or sugar. It’s the right thing. For hard-working families, no milk or sugar…..


Aardvark said...

So who’s going to be doing the counselling? Derek Draper and a team of NuLabour social workers of the Sharon Shoesmith ilk?

Cant wait to get down to Jobcentre plus for this one.

bofl-too lazy to sign in! said...

we need to get this bunch of traitors and lunatics masquerading as Labour removed asap.........

every lunatic policy drives another nail in our collective coffin.

£biilions here,billions there....oh i know -lets all get rich-just print money!!!

They have ridiculous power and yet cannot be called to account?

the Conservatives need to call a vote of no confidence.......

(not that they will be any better)

Anonymous said...

O/T have you fucking seen this?

Goodnight Vienna said...

How much is this 'counselling' service costing us? It beggars belief, really it does, that we're paying for someone to advise us to take more soma.

Anon @ 12.41 - in other words you have to be Scottish to get an RBS mortgage and not involved in politics if you're a trader who wants Streamline facilities - is that right?

Perhaps the reason for this headlong rush into controlling the population over the past few years is because they no longer need to employ 'softly, softly catchee monkee' tactics. Perhaps they think this one last push on their part will seal the deal for them.

Let's face it, we've got a fundamental shift in the economy/banking; a population being taxed to buggery and paying about 60% of their income to the State; an enormous 'client sector' dependent on government largesse; dissidents in our midst who receive favourable treatment; over 3,000 new laws telling us what we can and cannot do; an education system which even 2nd-generation immigrants avoid by sending their children 'back home' to be educated; an NHS which is falling apart under the weight of expectation and govt targets; a Police force which is too ham-strung by red tape to actually do the job it was set up to do - ie protect the citizen from crime. The list is dispiritingly endless.

Someone, somewhere is stroking a white Persian cat and thinking, "Mwahhaha, it's all coming together very well indeed."

What they forgot to factor in is that the tighter the chains, the more people strain against them.

England is the most crowded country in Europe and the 4th most crowded in the world, whether by design or incompetence doesn't really matter now. What does matter is that it's a combustible mix.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

"The NHS will be besieged by newly-unemployed RecessionNutters, storming the hospitals. "

But they will have to wait their turn while Climate Change Denier mentalists are cured of their 'condition'.

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