Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Rise for Stanislav

Mr & Ms Schmidt

All rise.

Okay whaddayagot for me this morning. Mr Prosecutor ?

Number one on your list, Sir. Mr Timney

Timney ? You mean the wanker.

The, ah, wanker, Sir, that’s correct.

This is the guy married to someone famous ?

The, ah, home seckatry,Sir.

You’re shitting me ? Right?

No, Sir, sorry Sir, the very same…..

The UK home seckatry, used to cook in the school up the road ??? The lardball??

Ms Schmidt, Sir.

Fuck me, he’s married to the home fucking seckatry. And it says here that this porn, these was five pounds a go shit, not one pound fifty like I, I mean as other people pay. Five pounds? What was this shit ? Gorillas ? I seen some a that Gorilla porn, Jeez, they must need some handling, some feeding, too. Can understand how that’d cost a fiver. So there you was, wanking over that Gorilla shit, not very nice, and the Court takes a dim view, and what happens, the Old Bill arrive?

No, Sir, it wasn’t like that. The accused was trying to claim the cost of the Gorilla filth, through his wife’s parliamentary expenses, he was actually wanting the home office to buy him his porn. He was wanking, really, your worship, in our faces; yours and mine.

He was fucking well what? He was having a Jay Arthur all over you and me? The dirty fucking bastard. He’s going away, the fucking degenerate bastard. I never heard shit like this. Twenty years on this Bench and I never heard a no bastard getting his rocks off over interspecies porn and dumping his load in the taxpayer kisser. He’s a beardy nonce, isn’t he. He looks the type. He’s pleading guilty, I take it?

Well, Sir, he was caught with his trousers down round his ankles, so there’s not much else he can do.

You, Timney, you fucking arsehole. Anything to say before you go to jail.

Yes, your worship, if I can just read to the Court from this letter I write to the Redditch Advertiser every week……….Frau Schmidt is an excellent constituency MP and me and our children have never met her, she lives in a broom cupboard in London, working hard for the people of Redditch, the stupid fucking bastards. I would ask you to have some mercy on me because I am a serial offender and the taxpayer will pay back all the money which me and Frau Schmidt have stolen from him over the years. Will I get SkyFilth Movies in prison ?


Anonymous said...

This is why I love this blog. Pure comedy.

mc_nebula said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/7973517.stm - 'Terror' case probe continues

Inquiries into an alleged terror plot in connection with London's G20 summit are continuing

Whad did they find? A youth spraying graff, "politically sensitive material", some fireworks and an imitation Kalashnikov rifle which was "probably not even lethal" (that's why it is imitation, smarty pants) and they have not even been linked to a religious group. Police are "investigating the possibility they were planning to mount protests in London against the G20 summit of world leaders"

So, the police reckon two 20-year-old woman and three men aged 25, 19 and 16, with no religious links, who happen to be going to a protest and have some fireworks at home are terrorists?

Hell, I had better get on the phone, I'm obviously a risk, I have an imitation gun too (Airsoft) and some fireworks (they look pretty) and I even have a pen knife... that's dangerous... oh, and I am going to the protests. Don't tell anyone, will you... I might be arrested, we wouldn't want that...

Oldrightie said...

This is why I love this blog. Pure comedy.

It is why we may grow to love Labour and Snotty. Once they're gone, of course.

"What have Snotty and Jacqui got in common? They both love cock!"

Bill Quango MP said...

"He was wanking, really, your worship, in our faces; yours and mine."

tears still streaming from my eyes.. At least I hope its tears.

Anonymous said...

Surely the photo is a tad flattering to the Schmidts?

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Safe passage for tomorrow OH. Don't get tazed.

Anonymous said...

demonstrate safely



Phoebe said...

and what are we to make of this development: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/mar/30/cctv-london-government-transport-g20

Anonymous said...

ask Jean Charles de Menezes' family

Wrinkled Weasel said...

It seems highly convenient that CCTV will be turned off. What if the police decide to beat up an innocent bystander or a lawful protester. In the unlikely event the police would do such a thing, there would be no recorded evidence of their wrong doing.

How did this story come into the public domain? How did an obscure piece of bureaucracy get reported in the Guardian? In whose interests is it that the general public should know about this, at this particular time.

Is it a hint, from the Metropolitan Police, that what they are going to be up to might not stand the light of day?

Cato said...

Take great care OH and play nicely!!

Edwin Greenwood said...

Bastard! Look, here I am, standing in a boozer (The Crown at Seven Dials, Covent Garden, since you ask), sipping at a pint of Ireland's finest alcoholic sump oil and poncing off next door's wi-fi, generally minding my own fucking business, when you spring this on me.

Here I am, trying to look normal (not easy, I admit) and convince the other customers and the bar staff that I really am a perfectly sane geezer and don't usually roll round the floor giggling without a rational reason. Please don't call the police and those gentlemen with the vest that does up at the back and the big needle. I'm OK, honest.

You could at least have put a Severe LOL Advisory at the top of this post. Inconsiderate fucker.

tugger timney said...

not to worry OH , just steer clear of the earth first lot.

Anonymous said...

OH have you time to visit Mr Kebab Smith ("Masturgate"), I understand he needs relieving.

Anonymous said...

Phoebe 15:28: Well which utter hoon ordered non compliant systems in the first place and now wants to spend more to rectify a bad spec. Whole lot, from McRuin to street sweepers are incompetent twats.

Anonymous said...

Is that Stanislav and swiss Bob in the picture?

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