Friday, 13 March 2009

Re-definitions - Nu-Labour speak; Issue 2
























Noun.

A Peer - Oxford English Dictionary definition.
1 A nobleman.
2 A man who holds a peerage by descent or appointment.

Noun.
A Peer - Nu-Labour definition.
1 A man elevated to the peerage by his Nu-Labour cronies.

2 A man who a-peers to threaten parliament with an army of 10,000 Muslims.

3 A man jailed for 12 weeks for 'texting whilst driving' who is then released after 16 days because the sentence is affecting his community work.

4 A man who exchanges five text messages during a 17 mile journey at 60 miles per hour on a darkened stretch of the M1, subsequently killing a man in a an accident that he 'could do little or nothing to avoid', but who is not charged with 'causing death by dangerous driving' because he had stopped texting a full two minutes before the accident. More than sufficient time, it a-peers, to collect his thoughts and concentrate on his driving.

5 A man who has not yet expressed public remorse for the death of Martin Gombar.

6 A man whose criminal record will be expunged so that he can remain within the honourable tradition of the Labour Party.

Further definitions accepted.

44 comments:

Some Of My Best Friends Are... etc, etc, etc.. said...

A Cunt ?

Anonymous said...

A big cunt? A hoon? An abomination? A disgrace? A dishonourable corrupt thing?

The Penguin said...

Anna, do I get the impression that you have little time or regard for Lord Blood-on-his-bumper?

The Penguin.

Anonymous said...

7. A ragheaded cunt

bofl said...

a stooge placed in the lords by labour to subvert democracy......

all part of fighting to preserve our way of life.

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 12:28

I see your 'ragheaded cunt' and I raise you a 'dirty, filthy, fat Paki bastard'.

Anna Raccoon said...

Why Penguin,
I hold him in the same regard as Lord Mandelson and Lord Archer. Judge a man by the company he keeps.....

Dave H said...

On the C4 news I heard he was going to have his record expunged, and that this was unprecedented. Today I read in the papers that his lawyer requested this but was refused.

Which is it?

Chris said...

Traditionally: a man whose distaff ancestor had slept with the king.

Now: whores in their own right.

aproposofwhat said...

Just heard on the radio that Lancashire are going to turn the lights off on their motorways - how do they square this with Lard Texter of Tellytubby and his notorious Audi-blindness?

iskanda said...

A killer?

Prodicus said...

Nice photo of Stephen Fry with his children. Bit of a surprise, though.



wv fullarsi

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Judge in Ahmed case is a former political appointee.

See my blog.

Anonymous said...

7. An old friend of Brown and Blair, who resigned from the Cabinet twice after telling lies and selling passports in return for "donations", only to become a Lord and return as an unelected politician to prop up the failing regime of Brown. This type of peer can only be harmed by silver bullets.

Woman on a Raft said...

Apropos 12:49

Call for help: is anybody familiar with the stretch of the M1 outside Rotherham, particularly whether it is lit at the crash site?

The court seems to have accepted the idea that the crash site was in total darkness, but it it was on a reasonably clear night with motorway lighting, that may have been misleading.

Sir Henry Morgan said...

A peer.

A man who pisses all over traditional British mores

Verge said...

OT anyone know what's with the "invitation only" routine over at Stanislav's?

an ex-apprentice said...

The court decided he had now got the message.

Anonymous said...

I once had Lord Hugh Rodley in the back of my cab.

The kind of Lord I could do business with and too bad he is now banged up

Anonymous said...

They are all a bunch of bent corupt cunts. The lot of them, be it the one eyed cunts party or that other EX Eaton WANKER or those other tossers WHO WILL NEVER BE ELECTED.

Twattered said...

My views are this. No matter what party they allege to belong too, the people should react by denying them service, selling them way past best foodstuffs, refusing service, gobbing in there dinners and generaly giving them an umcomfortable future. If these arseholes wish to breeze in and out of office and expect no cumuppance them theyve got another thing coming.

We need a campaign of national disgust Targetted at any MP who thinks it's acceptable to claim 100 grand and expenses and still secure directorships(they fucking work for us and get well paid for it.)

People really ned to get a spine to prevent this happening again.

I don't care what party, decency and fairness should be universal and not for a select few.

Oldrightie said...

"Traditionally: a man whose distaff ancestor had slept with the king."

Where? In bloody Pakistan? I think not.

The Economic Voice said...

One of the select who can hose on the British public without sanction.

Angry Exile said...

7. A shifty looking animal around which any piles of unattended money have a tendency to vanish, but which can be trained to protect individuals' interests by chasing off any unwanted legislative effects. Collective noun: a corruption. Also known as a venal cunt.

Old Holborn said...

Announcement

Investigations as to the whereabouts of a young Polish Plumber are continuing.

No progress yet, no reported sightings, no clues.

Guthrum said...

Time to dispense with Lords,Princes and Kings

They are but whores with tarnished coronets

Fidothedog said...

A British Ted Kennedy.

Kill them all said...

A tribal chieftain, granted immunity from the law in exchange for guaranteeing the block votes of said tribe to the Cunt Party.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

"A man whose criminal record will be expunged so that..." you all have to shut up and being horrid about him because it never happened.
Nu-Lag 'Lord' Ahmed...........lost in the mists of time.

Mitch said...

A peer,peerage..reward for dishonesty,reward for failure,bribe for relinquishing a safe seat.
no real "honour" value just a good seat at the trough.

Suck my plumbers said...

Old Holborn said...
'Announcement

Investigations as to the whereabouts of a young Polish Plumber are continuing.

No progress yet, no reported sightings, no clues.'

Who gives a fuck where he is? Check 45govt's arse hole. He is probably stuck up it FFS!

spark up said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cesars wife said...

you really see the corruption in this one OH !!

i do know what a piers morgan is but its unrepeatable in this web glossy

spark up said...

15:39

i last encountered him late wednesday night whilst engaged in an exchange about the rights and wrongs of sleighting the terminally-ill jade goody. unlike you, old holborn, i do not wish her dead, but am, despite having seriously lost my appetite for jade-jokes, still occasionally tempted to parody her - stanislav, on the other hand, wants "no part" in the sick media circus surrounding the tragic death of a young mother. stanislav is horrified by the macabre coverage of this 'event' and pretty damn disgusted by "what is going on over at OH". i ventured that, in reality, jade wanted to die with her boots on and that free discussion was legitimate; stanislav was adamant that everyone should know better than to exploit the situation, and that no disrespectful comments would disgrace his turf. he was especially concerned that my participation in "cheering" jade on to the grave would have a detrimental effect on me - this was very sweet of him. he was also very much upset by the manner in which the media habitually presented the working classes as ignorant 'chavs' - and was therefore displeased at the way i represented jade goody. to cut a long story short, he was mighty pissed-off and now appears to have walked off the job in a strop - which is unfortunate, since, without the original text, it is difficult to reply to his comment. i should add that the sorry incident was precipitated by me posting jade's inimitable reaction to stanislav's enthusiastic trailer for a channel 4 tv programme - which comprised a baroque feast of elevated and refined cultural delights; evidently jade's steamy reponse to what she presumed a porn film starring Waldemar Januszczak (plus her dreams of modelling for mike alanjellow's fresco in the sistene chapel) were just the last straws - the comment was summarily though "contra-intuitively" deleted. i was somewhat annoyed, made a messy argument for freedom of expression, accepted stanislav's right to choose his own ornaments for his own house, and angrily raised some separate personal issues of contention.

i sense that stanislav may have red-carded himself as a penalty for his involvement in this (the old holborn) blog.

ps: old holborn, are you aware that yours is a spoof-blog which seeks to discredit racists (if it is actually possible to discredit racists, that is)?

EH? WTF you on? said...

21:41..
"i sense that stanislav may have red-carded himself as a penalty for his involvement in this (the old holborn) blog.

ps: old holborn, are you aware that yours is a spoof-blog which seeks to discredit racists (if it is actually possible to discredit racists, that is)?"

Whatever you're on mate, i'll have some!

Paranoid, delusional, moi? said...

spark up, perhaps it's just because you're a mad cunt.

People spying on you, yeah right, try cutting down on your intake of charlie.

Still conversing with yourself in the comments on your own blog and elsewhere?

Kill them all said...

How right you are Mr Leftist sir, I am profoundly ashamed. I bow to your supreme moral authority. The noble Lord Ahmed has merely killed a man and got away virtually unscathed, but I have dared to say bad things about him on the Internet because of it. Me, a miserable kufr, daring to criticse a member of the sacred Religion of Peace, an annointed Community Leader ennobled for his selfless public serice by our wise and entirely honest socialist masters. Obviously in the interests of cultural harmony Lord Ahmed should be allowed to run over whoever he likes, just like we make allowances for the jolly antics noble scions of the house of Saud when they bring their vibrant Bedouin customs to our unworthy capital's brothels and gambling dens.

I am ashamed. I have committed the ultimate crime. I am a wicked racist. I will report myself for re-education immediately.

spark up said...

21:41

in reply to stanislav, i must agree that the jade goody affair is a sign of the times, and the times are feudal - i do respect his absolute standpoint, but personally i can't be as sensible and strictly principled as him when it comes to expressional discipline. like many things in life, we sometimes have to 'play it by ear'. it would have been a lot easier for all of us had jade goody 'done the decent thing' and gone away and died quietly (we could all have put our feet up), but she hasn't - she's not your regular customer, she's not particularly 'decent', and she doesn't 'play' by the normal rules. she's challenged our pre-conceptions about life and death. good for her. it's no big surprise that the whole dénouement has become rather distasteful (to some) and that things have been said which are distasteful (to some), but don't blame it all on the professional publicity junkies (who are advising her and attempting to exploit her predicament), jade goody has made her own life-and-death choices and it's condescending to claim she has not - she has grabbed the opportunity to take full responsibility for her life and never looked back. why do so many political types not accept that ordinary people can sometimes win themselves a slice of freedom and be prepared to pay the price? the answer is this: in a world of jades, our political controllers would be out of a job. the advantage of dealing with a self-determined person, like jade goody, is that we too do not have to feel awkward about taking our own liberties.

yes stanislav, the media do trash the working classes, but that undeniable fact does not preclude me from parodying one specific working class celeb who has made a living by playing up her ignorance and exhibiting herself (racist) warts and all. stanislav can save his sermons for those people who actually use the word 'chav' - and who also understand what it means. i've got no idea where the daft word popped-up from or whom it really denotes. i reckon the word 'chav' is a bit like the word 'nigger' - it says more about the utterer than the target. as far as i can see, the word 'chav' is used by one group of working class people who think they are better than other working class people. it's a rather pathetic power word for the insecure.

i appreciate stanislav's concerns for jade goody and the family, but quite honestly i really don't think they give a shit about what we write. i believe that stanislav's overrating our importance in the greater scheme of things. or maybe he wants to run for office in the future? for myself, i feel neither particularly proud nor ashamed of what i've written - i've just felt the need to write it. i've not, however, felt the need to watch jade goody's television programmes. i don't feel ill-will towards jade goody and that's why i've not felt guilty about ripping the piss out of her. simple.

spark up said...

00:48

a few miscellaneous points:

funnily enough, the jade comment i left on stanislav was not at all dry or cutting but a well-humoured raucous tease aimed at stanislav himself...

stanislav described old holborn's "defence" of "slaughtered palestinians" as "admirable" but "mistaken" - he left guido fawkes due to the moderation policy, apparently. i wonder if stanislav believes it's "mistaken" to criticize the israelis for slaughtering the palestinians - i do.

stanislav's long-held closed-shop-cum-gentleman's club mentality would equip him well for a career in politics - exclusion is a well-worn technique for giving others a sense of inferiority, but only if they give a fuck. he's been playing that game for years readers - it gives him a sense of self-importance. why such a good writer needs to bolster his ego with such primary-school childishness, is a complete mystery?

ps: old holborn, are you aware that guido fawkes is also a spoof-blog which seeks to discredit racist conservatives and other undesirables (if it is actually possible to discredit racists, that is)?

aproposofwhat said...

spark up - do you wish us to infer from your comments that you support the Israelis in their continued occupation and consequent war crimes?

If so, then I will class you with Blair and Levy as an enemy of society, and reserve a lamppost for you.

And no - I'm not a racist, just an anti-Zionist.

Woman on a Raft said...

aproposofwhat:

There are a couple of subjects which are 'cleavage issues'. The two best known are abortion and Israel/Palestine, but there are others. You might just as well do an instant poll rather than get in to arguments, as that way you will get a feel for how opinion divides. In a down-the-middle split you stand little chance of reaching a majority concensus.

P J O'Rourke, for example, recently wrote that the Republicans should stop talking about abortion and just put a policy in their manifesto. Although the subject seemed like a way to split the Democrat audience and the Republicans hold principled views on the matter, the Democrats just laughed and kept saying "what are your views on abortion?" because they guessed - correctly - that it is a cleavage issue with the capacity to split the Republican vote, not the Democratic one.

When opinion is evenly split, even a small shift on the margins of your enemy's vote can pay handsomly. It's like moving a big rock with a single lever; a small movement is all you need, but you have to be very careful not to have the rock fall on you.

When the subject is Israel/Palestine, you can end up arguing about a scrap of land far away. It has big-rock-on-toe accident potential. The place has strategic value for the west, and that alone means that if one is not prepared to occupy it, one should favour a co-religionist government rather than an ideology which has indicated a willingness to slit your throat, but that is only one way of thinking about the issues.

Another way is to ask: "what would happen if Israel stopped existing tomorrow?" My guess is that Hamas and Fatah are not going to break out in brotherly love any time soon. Sometimes Israel looks like the buffer zone between scrapping Scousers. "Calm down, calm down, awright, eh".

Fatah are a bunch of thieves on the IRA model, who have recently been paid handsomly to get back in to the tourism business. Expensive, but it is working. The hotels in the West Bank are open for holiday bookings, Bethlehem did well at Christmas with its new pedestrianized piazza, and you can go on farm holidays and sight seeing. Fatah represent what passes for moderate Islamic opinion and can be regarded as a proxy for, say, Egypt, Jordan, Syria. They remain a gang of thieves, though, and have lined their little pockets very well at the expense of ordinary Palestinians.

This is what led to the Palestinians in Gaza voting for Hamas, who are a bunch of honest murderers and can be regarded as Iran's proxy. Defined by ideological purity, they natually have no interest in peace with Israel; but do they have any interest in peace with any other Palestinian groups, those ideologically impure backsliding running dogs whose women sometimes wear embroidered gowns and show their faces, even their hair.* Queen Rania of Jordan is a babe, and her parents are Palestinian, but she'd better not try any of that hair-tossing witchcraft in Tehran.

What a choice; murderers who are not thieves, if only because they regard all incoming aid as theirs by right of winning the election, or thieves who have been told to moderate their kelptomania and stop behaving like a bunch of African dictators or else it's no more bribes for them. And in the third corner, a ruthless military force who also have no intention of dropping dead to suit someone six thousand miles away.

It was interesting that Nick Griffin, who can be assumed not to be on the IDF's Channukah card list, studiously refused to have any opinion on this subject. He can spot a cleavage issue and decided that it was not going to be allowed to split his party just when things were going well.


*Sorry, I don't get this hair thing; if it's such powerful stuff, how come there aren't men fainting outside every salon? I mean, hair is OK but if men were that keen on hair, surely women would have evolved back in to long blonde full-body pelts by now? "Lassie" would be a popular girls' name rather than a Scotch comedy term and waxing would never have been invented.

spark up said...

05:11

aproposofwhat,

thanks for correcting me there! much obliged! one accidental dropped negative and it's lights out! save the lamppost for leaning against and smoking a fag whilst waiting to meet your girlfriend. or some such other pleasant activity that takes your fancy.

CORRECTION

spark up 04:09

i wonder if stanislav believes it's "mistaken" to criticize the israelis for slaughtering the palestinians - i do.

SHOULD READ:

i wonder if stanislav believes it's "mistaken" to criticize the israelis for slaughtering the palestinians - i don't.

spark up said...

05:11

apropos, i support no religion and no government. i am no expert on the palestinian/israeli situation and have no solution - this can only be found by the populations who live in the region. all i know is that the continued western-backed israeli subjugation of palestine invites the rise of extremist political parties in reaction. having said this, i recognize that palestinians have to take responsibility for their governments' integrity - just like the rest of us.

similarly, if stanislav elects to be a vent for his author's personal prejudices against me, because his author wishes to avoid me privately (something i have respected), then he'll damn well have to stay hidden in his private blog to maintain integrity. i put my personality on the page and expose myself emotionally, stanislav's author likes to put out perfected thought for consumption whilst presenting an elaborately crafted pristine personality which is unassailable. that's fine, but when on the internet he can't attempt to manipulate me emotionally (using the wealth of information he has acquired on me privately) and expect to get away with it - i don't recall having done that to him. does he maybe think my choice of a jade goody parody was a deliberate act which was in some way calculated to insult him personally? no, jade is unpretentious and unrefined and stanislav is unpretentious but has developed a highly refined taste in all things aesthetic. and why not?

spark up said...

04:09

stanislav described old holborn's "defence" of "slaughtered palestinians" as "admirable" but "mistaken" - he left guido fawkes due to the moderation policy, apparently. i wonder if stanislav believes it's "mistaken" to criticize the israelis for slaughtering the palestinians - i do.

i believe that stan was in fact trying to refer to the jade goody situation here. so that's all right then.

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