Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Milk before the tea - gets them every time.

After a test viewing of the Smith films, members of the Scots Guards attempt to force their kilts back down.

(Picture found in a seedy back room here)

I've often wondered just what it would take to get the British public, or even the media, to demand that this government finally resign. Invading Iraq on the basis of lies? Soaring knife crime? Trainspotters and tourists confused with terrorists by the police? Plastic policemen bossing them around? Neighbourhood snoops on council pay? Children encouraged to inform on their parents? Banks asking which political party they support? Tax upon tax upon tax? Banning anything they enjoy? Having their children criminalised for drawing hopscotch boards on the street? All grumbled at, but accepted.

Ministers and 'public servants' voting themselves a pay increase while everyone else gets a pay cut or loses their job? Expense allowances that would make a banker blush? Charging for a second home less than forty miles from the original? Charging for a second home while staying with relatives? Pillaging pensions while gold-plating Government ones? Allowing unfettered immigration and branding anyone who objects as racist? Interfering in every detail of our lives - tracking our movements, following our internet use, phone calls and emails, recording us when we leave the country, stopping and searching thousands under anti-terrorist laws while failing to find a single one... the list is endless.

None of that caused more than a few mutterings of 'political correctness gone mad' - an idiotic phrase because political correctness was mad to begin with - but otherwise, nobody stirred. Nobody protested. Nobody regarded any of these as career-ending moves made by the drain sump residue running this country.

And yet, when Jacq the Ripper's paid-husband watched £10 worth of porn and charged it to the taxpayer, it's considered something she can't recover from.

Eh? She recovered from demanding that anyone visiting a prostitute be named and shamed, while allowing anonymity for child molesters. She recovered from the Damian Green business. She was unruffled by revelations of her troughing in the allowances, and yet £10 worth of porno films brings her down?

I wonder, is it because the sums involved in those allowances are so large that the average person can't quite believe it? Bring it down to charging for a bath plug or Sky TV and they can see it, but talk about mortgage-sized sums and it doesn't feel real. Is that it?

Or maybe there's a shred of British decency left. Maybe she's finally offended those British morals which allow the porn industry to flourish as long as nobody admits to buying any. That mindset that says 'Oh, we all know Carruthers shags alsatians but as long as he's never caught in the act, it's all okay'. The old 'Do what you like as long as it doesn't frighten the horses' attitude.

Perhaps it's the outrage of the Professionally Offended, who see no problem with ministers stealing from us because it means we have less money for booze and tobacco and fat-generating foods, but woe betide any who fall below their Puritan standards.

Whatever nerve needed twisting, the Ripper has, at last, twisted it.

There would be a certain poetic justice in this Government falling because of the professionally offended. Those they trained and encouraged to find offence at the slightest thing must be reeling in shock at the idea of The Ripper's pet man tugging at his loose thread so hard he risks unravelling. All those who begged for ID cards from Big Jacq must now consider that she has touched those hands, and then touched the ID cards. She might even have claimed for the tissues. Look at the twinkle in her eyes... did she watch? Did she help? Were those tight-pursed lips put to use, their fount of lies and spin silenced for a few moments? Hey, if it shut her up, it's £10 well spent.

I should have put 'sick bags at the ready' at the start of that paragraph. I hope you had one handy.

The British are a funny lot. I'm reminded of 'Carry on up the Khyber' where Kenneth Williams (the Khazi) catapulted the heads of fallen British soldiers into Sid James' tea party, to no effect. Kenneth Williams' line "A thing like that leaves them unmoved, but put the milk in the cup before the tea and they go berserk" sums it up nicely. Jacq the Ripper and the rest of the Gorgon's goblins have been throwing heads at us for years. Now she's put the milk in the cup first.

You can shaft the Brits for money and they'll grumble about it and do nothing. You can make up stupid rules and they'll grumble but follow them anyway.

But get caught with one of Those Films and it's whisky and revolver time.

On the rocks, Mrs Shagnasty - sorry, Miss Ripper? Oh, and there are two bullets in your gun so you can take Tugger with you.

Quickly now. There's a queue.

Update: Spark Up informs me it's milk first, tea second. Well, I wouldn't know. I'm genetically predisposed to espresso and pasta and scary driving and a recognition of the fact that while rules exist, they only apply if you're being watched by someone who cares.

I'd go back there but I can't ride a moped and I'm not Catholic. I also don't speak the lingo since it had faded from the family by the time I was born. I can make a decent espresso at least.

So I have to take Spark Up's word that I have the milk and tea part the wrong way round. Sorry about that.


spark up said...

And yet, when Jacq the Ripper's paid-husband watched £10 worth of porn and charged it to the taxpayer, it's considered something she can't recover from.

well, yes, of course...as you've gone to great lengths to explain, leg-iron, it's just not british. and nor are you by the sounds of it, because where i come from the milk goes inta the cup first boyo...so it's a quick phone call to the inteagration squad and then tomorrow morning a free one-way ticket back to milk-post-beverage land for you matey. taxpayers' money well spent, i say. fucking disgraceful behaviour.

Leg-iron said...

Where I come from, it's espresso. No milk. Just concentrated eyeball-popping coffee and a lot of very jumpy people. And I would dearly love to be deported back there. It would save me having to emigrate. Thing is, I don't speak the lingo.

Well, it's where the family comes from. I was born here but some things are just in the genes.

Milk first? You're sure?

a motley brew said...

now gordon we'll do this in the time-honoured british way...

let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea...

and a quiet little chat...

there now...one sugar or two...

now gordon...




spark up said...


ever heard of a teapot where you come from? obviously not. the british empire, why on earth did we bloody bother?

jackie stiff said...

oh dear. what an awful misunderstanding. i can explain. it's all quite above board. i was just doing a little innocent research into how to fuck people up the arse.

Leg-iron said...

Teapot... isn't that what the Gorgon sometimes pretends to be?

I don't know why you bothered. There was no need. Everyone's coming here. All you had to do was wait.

Although the Empire controlled a large chunk of the world with considerable efficiency, while the current Prime Monster can't get a DVD to work. So things have gone downhill somewhat.

And you still make roads with hairpin bends.

The Roman empire... why did we bother?

gordon "moneyshot" braun (quite a big prick) said...


yes, quite right. i stand by jackie all the way on this one. she and her husband were in the process of producing, directing and starring in a bbc-backed porn series entitled hornie hausfrowze von hell, a fly-on-the-wall documentary celebrating british domestic culture - and all shot artistically in the tradition of leni riefenstahl.

Leg-iron said...

I've just realised why my ancestry makes this whole episode so hard for me to understand.

Italian politicians don't watch porn films.

They're in them.

Don't get ideas, Labour. Those films would be a seriously twisted niche market.

spark up said...


yeah, our civilization has now reached the zenith of sophistication and, as a glorious edifice to the values and knowledge which britons have proudly accumulated throughout the centuries, we have now constructed an 117 mile circular motorway - said to be the biggest civil engineering project since stonehenge (same sort of thing just takes longer to get back to where you started).

Leg-iron said...

Yeah, but if it was straight it would go somewhere.


Which is what Jacq the Ripper said just before Hubby decided to watch the spicy videos...

spark up said...

thanks for clearing things up in the update leg-iron. in a multi-cultural society it's of vital importance to get this type of detail correct - race riots have exploded over far less. of course, if you're not using a teapot, but employing the inferior though expedient teabag-in-mug (modern) method, you should definitely add the milk second - since the tea leaves would otherwise be initially brewed by cold milk followed by less than boiling water, its temperature being degraded by the cold milk, you see. as an englishman, i don't like to dwell too deeply upon the horrifically stewed results of such an outrage - a sadly aborted milk-shake.

well i hope everything's crystal cloudy now. any immigrants who wish to tap on the urn of my experience and improve their chances of making an excellent infusion, please feel free to contact me - i hate to think that prospective settlers might pass the citizenship test without the full set of brewing skills.

spark up said...


Yeah, but if it was straight it would go somewhere.

oh, maybe this is one of those cultural idiosyncracies, but i can't exactly see why would one want to go anywhere...?

major t brewup said...

an excellent discussion on an extremely serious topic - very much in need of a damn good stir, in my opinion. spark up, sir, you have made a powerful argument against mass immigration - which, although greatly beneficial to absolutely every other aspect of british life, has unfortunately had a most deleterious effect on this country's traditional tea-making skills - which i have observed becoming increasingly weakened during the post-war break. i salute your pot-training efforts. good man.

nicolas pyshaggerass said...


sacrebleu. le m25, vraiment le cul-de-sac de la technologie britannique.

a very english insurrection said...

i trust that, during the mid-afternoon refreshment interval, the metropolitan police will be tankering-in an adequate supply of tea and laying on a good spread of cucumber sandwiches in order to quench the thirst of, and revitalize, rioters on april 1st?

caesars wife said...

mm does look like it OH , £10 worth of porn doesnt offset 120k fiddle , public totally fed up of llabour bollocks , interesting that if he sacks spliff , some think it will take pressure of gorgon , it wont but with purnell being bandied about to help ensure ed balls succesion to devine wonk leader of the bullshit and delusion party .

sarkoszy has said if G20 dont talk tough on reform of finacial sector hes off . mmmmm and gordon was hoping for je temme , je temme .
will be interesting , tonights bankers speech doesnt look tough , it was nae me , it was nae me make banks family centric .

socialism is like myxmatosis ,first you are blinded the starve before death spasms.


TheFatBigot said...

Ah, now, yes, well there's a bit of an issue here.

You see the milk first-milk after debate isn't quite as simple as is portrayed.

It's all about the quality and strength of the tea. Milk first and the tea flavour is dominant, so you don't want to do that with an inferior tea. Milk after masks an inferior tea.

Do they still make Co-Op 99? My granny used that, brewed strong, milk first, best tea I've ever had.

electro-kevin said...

Surely shome mishtake.

Have you not booked one of these films by accident ?

Shaving Ryan's Privates is so easily confused with the Spielberg classic.

mikey said...

"the drain sump residue running this country." *applause*

Rightwinggit said...

The milk goes in first to stop the cup staining, especially if it's bone china.

Must go, I have some peasants to kill.

PRL said...

O/T but you mention Italian so I have to stick this in somewhere... I'm sure I just caught a glimpse of Berlusconi driving through London. At Hyde Park corner we were stopped by no less than 8 outriders and a fully flanked blacked out limo with land rovers front and rear... Only security problem was that someone had the sunroof down and was flying an Italian flag with hands and arms clearly in view... Police must have been loving it!

Anonymous said...

No real difference between getting us mugs to pay for porn and plugs,or paying for Brown's sky sports and lightbulbs. Or benefit fraud. They are thieving vermin,and need to be tried in a court of law. Especially that McNulty cunt.

Henry North London said...

I happen to put the tea in first then the milk

Its always been that way for me

If someone puts the milk in first I do tend to be narked

But then Im of Indian origin, What can I say

Anyway you have to put the milk in after if you are using a teabag and a mug .The people I see putting cold milk and a teabag into a mug before the boiling water just dont get it.

So there are several variations on a theme

As for the tea staining? You only get that if you live in a hard water area Comes off with vinegar easily

Roger Thornhill said...

Jacqui Smith has a demagnetised moral compass.

She cannot distinguish between what she should be doing and what she can do.

That in itself means she is unfit for Office.

SaltedSlug said...

Isn't there a class-thing to do with the milk-first/second melarky, from days of yore?
i.e the poorer classes would add milk first as the hot water would otherwise break their relatively cheap and poor quality porcelain.
Whereas the more affluent host would have decent china and wouldn't have such concerns, and would show this by adding water first.

This could just be so much toss, however.

T 4 2 said...

Personally, one prefers one's tea with a nice slice of fresh lemon. Others, particuarly in the middle east, like theirs with ordinary mint or peppermint (a delicate shade of purple). Yet others like it "iced". Clearly more ways than one to skin a pussy.

All together now:
Oh the soldiers may be fighting
In the trenches or a battleship at sea
But there isn't any war when the clock strikes four
Everything stops for tea.

BlogTart said...

The solution to the tea dilemma is perfectly clear, of course.

Don't drink the filthy stuff.

Anonymous said...

maybe if we stopped drinking tea we'd wake up and smell the coffee?

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Sparkup is a peasent and it doesnt surprise me that he puts the milk in first.
He's a fucking idiot, thats why I threw him out of my office

Anonymous said...

Sparkups last post was absolutely right. The sequence depends on _where_ you brew the tea.

If you use the modern Tea bag, in a mug, then you MUST put hot water on the teabag first. The tea MUST brew with hot water alone. If you put milk into the cup with the tea bag before the tea is brewed then PLEASE don't ever give me that 'tea' as it will not be tea, rather a milky mess.

If however you make tea properly, in a teapot, then the tea brews with the hot water in the teapot, and frankly it doesn't make any difference which order you put the brewed tea and milk into the cup. (Although if you have sugar then it dissolves easier if you put in the sugar, then hot tea, then stir, then milk).

However you make it, for the love of god make sure the water you pour on the tea is _as_hot_as_possible_ it should still be bubbling.


K. MacEgan said...

It was of course the 1st Foot & Mouth in the film not the Scots Guards. 2nd Scots Guards were at Tumbledown in the Malvinas.Did you have a good war?I remember before Top Malo "Taffy" Bernsteinzzzzzzzz oh if "Proud to be gay" is tuning in from the Torygraph...you are a cyber stalking wheelchair bound petrol station chap NOT an LLM (Cantab).We checked.

Bob's Head Revisited said...

Orwell had it right:

“… one should pour tea into the cup first. This is one of the most controversial points of all; indeed in every family in Britain there are probably two schools of thought on the subject. The milk-first school can bring forward some fairly strong arguments, but I maintain that my own argument is unanswerable. This is that, by putting the tea in first and stirring as one pours, one can exactly regulate the amount of milk whereas one is liable to put in too much milk if one does it the other way round.”

A Nice Cup of Tea
By George Orwell
Evening Standard, 12 January 1946.

(Or Tea Room 101)


killemallletgodsortemout said...

Spot-on, Bob's Head and Henry.

One is not a fucking Philistine, is one?

Henry North London said...

no One was taught from an early age that the proper way was to put the tea in then the milk and then to offer the sugar round with the sugar tongs...

I jest of course but if anyone remembers seeing the Peppermint Pig on tv ( showing my age) they show a delightful afternoon tea where they hand round tea from a teapot and then add the milk and then ask one lump or two?

Funny how some scenes from tv tend to burn themselves indelibly on the memory cells with accurate recall.

Chalcedon said...

"Tugger......" ROTFLMFAO!!!!

spark up said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spark up said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spark up said...


oh shame! did i not observe strict etiquette?!

gadzouks! seems that leg-iron has come up with a cunning ruse to flush out the dregs on this blog! i'm well outed - and proud of it too! fuck my bloghits, my street-cred's just gone ionospheric! hell knows it always seems to come down to class!


oooh, touchy touchy...have i hit a nerve? and you were doing so well haughtily ignoring me and my blog...yes, mr yeast of clerkenwell, i obviously have to put the milk in first because, when squeezing it straight from the cow's tit, one does not want accidentally to scald the poor old thing - it can cause absolute havoc in the single shedquarters we share and call home.

as i've said before - i've been thrown out of better offices than yours. shit, my broomcupboard is bigger and better apppointed than that hole messyspace rents in an old sweatshop off back hill. hope you've got it good and boarded-up - i saw running skirmishes with the coppers on gray's inn road right up until about 19.00hrs last time round. i've got that peasant's intuition that you and guido are going to side with the bankers on this one and i hereby denounce you as enemas of the people. you will duly be hauled before a tribunal and sentenced to eat (fresh) cow-cake. vive la revolution!


screw social convention i'm with the scientists:


and with twinings:


and with common sense:


the angel gobriel said...

i'd make you a cuppa, beast, but i'd be torn between flobbing or tossing in it. and then there'd still remain that dreadfully tricky question of etiquette...before or after? oh...decisions decisions.

Peter Risdon said...

The complete guide to tea etiquette can be found here.

jeromine said...

Hi Nice Blog .This phone time card is used to track the time and attendance of employees, and at the same time track labor activity against specific parts, jobs, and operations.

Anonymous said...

The practise of putting the milk into delicate porcelain was to attenuate the effects of the thermal shock caused by adding hot tea.

Or summat like that.


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