Sunday, 15 March 2009

Fire up the 'shine still, Leroy.

Serious boozers will have forgotten what to do with the foreground item. Don't worry, just ignore that bit.

(Picture decanted from here, where the site owners are too drunk to do HTML)

Prohibition is coming, because we all drink too much and must be punished by Righteous decree. As before, this will mean illegal trade in dodgy booze made from methanol and Toilet Duck, and will affect nobody who drinks to get drunk. They'll just drink it faster and care even less about what's in it as long as it's cheap, and they'll end up costing the health service far more than those who queue up at 'Livers R Us' at the moment. Oh, and let's not forget that those who want nothing more than to get off their faces will soon find that cocaine is cheaper than beer. That'll really cut down crime and hospital admissions, eh?

The move would be welcomed by many medical professionals, with alcohol-related illnesses costing the NHS £3 billion a year.

Look, medical professionals, I haven't bothered any of you in fifteen years. Don't provoke me, or I'll turn into a raging hypochondriac and you'll see me every day for the next fifteen years. Every. Single. Day. I will present with symptoms of every disease in all your books and just to make it easy for you, I'll catch them in alphabetical order. Sometimes I'll catch them at 3 am, but not to worry, I'll give you a call if that happens. You meddle in my life, I'll meddle in yours. As a bonus, I'll leave a few real diseases in your waiting room. That's good for business, right?

I've also noticed how it always costs the NHS the same amount. Whether smoking, obesity or booze, it's the same nice round figure. Are they all so equally bad or could it be, just perhaps, that the figure is... made up? Surely not. Oh, who am I kidding? It's all made up, always has been. So is this:

The total expense to the taxpayer of alcohol misuse is thought to £25 billion a year.

The taxpayers. The ones who pay taxes on their income, and again on that bottle of whisky they buy to relax after paying the Gorgon's highwaymen their cut. The ones who pay the taxes that pay for the NHS. The ones who pay the wages of Sir Liam Donaldson so that he can fix them when they get ill. Taxpayers pay for the NHS so it can fix them when they get ill. The NHS doesn't want to do that. The NHS wants to take the money and use it to tell us we can't get ill because that would use up some of the money we pay into the system in case we get ill.

What a scam. The Krays would be so proud. 'Protection racket' is too small an accusation for this.

So if the price of booze doubles, we won't get ill, right? Therefore we have no further need of the NHS and you, Liam Righteous Donaldson, are fired.

Perhaps we could use his salary to employ a few doctors who actually want to do some doctoring, and leave the life decisions to us?

It's too much to ask, I know. Might as well ask for a politician with a conscience.


Anonymous said...

I've only seen my GP once in the last twenty five years (He is now retired and I haven't bothered to reregister), and that was to sample a number of fine single malts at his home.

Leg-iron said...

Damn, get that guy out of retirement and into teaching. He could educate some doctors in the real ways of medicine!

shibby said...

I'm mildly pissed off.
Mildly, because I'm used to hearing worse than this. Partially thanks to this blog.

subrosa said...

You never disappoint. Enjoyed the rant and it's so accurate.

aproposofwhat said...

Reminds me of the old joke:

Q: What's the definition of an alcoholic?

A: Someone who drinks more than their doctor.

Mind you, if the recent history of government and scientific advice is anything to go by, they'll just ignore it.

Faux Cu said...

A recipe

Take several jiggers of Brasso, bubble coal gas through the brew for about 2 minutes then enjoy!

Electric Soup!

Bring back gas lamps!

Mitch said...

This seems to be the fate of every government ministry,they gradually move away from what they were created to do then just lecture us about saving them money while burning more and more on pointless pen pushing.
There are now 1.4 admin staff to each bed in the NHS how insane is that.

Harrithebastard said...

Oh, and let's not forget that those who want nothing more than to get off their faces will soon find that cocaine is cheaper than beer

Where ?

Mummy said...

Wiki has it sussed
Despite his championing of public health issues, Donaldson has been widely reported to be clinically obese
Fucking colour check Liam, If your going to start dictating to other people about their health get your fucking lard arse on a diet you fucking hypocrite.

aproposofwhat said...

Mummy - so what?

I'm a fat fucker and an alcoholic, also bipolar like what that nice Mr Campbell is.

The point to be made is that taxation should be to pay for what the Government needs to spend, not to influence our behaviour.

If the health fascists had their way, we'd be paying 50 quid for a bar of chocolate.

I'm surprised they've not banned pork for being too fatty - it would certainly get their Islamist masters' approval, the Dhimmi bastards.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

It's as bad as the 'chocolate tax' that was mentioned last week. there should be a tax on smug pompous doctors. Every time they open their stupid fucking mouths they should forfeit a percentage of their six figure salary, paid for by you and I.
I bet that, if it does happen, that benefit payments to 'alcoholics' rise to take account of the price increase.
Why don't they just leave us alone!
Scotland is well known as the sick man of Europe. Up here, we all know what is bad for us and what we need to do to make us fitter and live longer, but the bottom line is, WE DON'T CARE! Let us live our lives as we want.

FireForce said...

A british farmer going round the back woods of the U.S.A. talkig to other farmers, came accros some hillbillys and asked about their farming practice, their pigs, horses, cows, and when asked what the yield from their maize was, the reply "about 132 gallons per acre"

Yokel said...

Having got it out into the press by means of a "leak" (the report is due to be published on Monday), they are now waiting for the echo from a "fake charity" or two to tell that the government is going in the right direction.

Right on cue, up steps Alcohol Concern to say "What a good idea"! Alcohol Concern received £515,000 (57%) from the Department of Health ... . It received just £4,991 in public donations.

Dick the Prick said...

I too am an alcoholic and yet the chance of me drinking any shit that costs less than 50p per unit is tiny.

This is what happens when governments don't govern, why that odious fuck Shoesmith didn't resign in the minute she was informed, why Brown believes we're all stupid cunts.

They think they're in Lloyd George's government or something - when professionals were err.. professional rather than cocky cunts stepping outside their remit.

On a plus note - cannabis is fucking cheap and much stronger these days and loads of pals have a plant or two on the go. If we perfect home brew too then the government may accidently create a whole new tranch of self sufficient dudes who are constantly plastered - huzzah!

Spartan said...

Yay! White van man convoys to our Froggie friends then.

Not to sell of course. l mean that'd be wrong cos' the government would get no taxes. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Every cloud has a silver lining so buy shares in the cross channel ferrys as the number of booze cruise excursions will rocket.
Then we will hear a load of moaning bastards going on about the poor Muslims who don't drink the stuff but don't mind selling it are having a hard time, well move to France and open a shop there. The noose is tightening as in we belong to the state instead of the state belonging to us, try fuck off and do what your very well paid for instead of intruding in our personal lives.

The Penguin said...

I might have to rent a storage unit and unload the Transit betweens events so I can pop across to Mammoth or Auchan and stock up. Could always get a few fags for my "friends" while I'm there.

I wouldn't like to deprive myself of my sedative-of-choice, the results might not be conducive to "keeping the peace".

Molotov Cocktail, anyone?

The Penguin

Harrithebastard said...

Booze cruise!

Oh really, and how long do you think it will be before the ' maximum ' limit allowed is half a can of Stella and a few fag papers but you can bring in all the grommets you can eat ?

And one whole flake or half a bar of Bournville !

Well, how long ! not fucking very is my guess?

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Remember, they are talking about bringing in legislation that means everyone leaving the country, for whatever reason and length of time, needs to register. That's the end of the cross channel booze cruise then. The cunting bastards.

Harrithebastard said...


Part time job maybe !

"I don't speak Glaswegian: Labour chief in racism row after 'Can you translate that' remark to Scottish activist"

The Penguin said...

Would that not be a restriction on EUSSR free trade?

The Penguin

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

I'm not fluent in bullshit so I'm unable to translate Glesga talk into labourspin!
On a side note, it's that kind of shit that makes me cringe. When some 'little scotlander' comes out with nonsense like that it just makes the rest of us look like twats. I speak the western scottish dialect, however when speaking to others down south when at work, for instance, I speak 'proper'. I barely understand the east scottish accent. I make an effort when I know others may struggle to understand. Why can't others?

Harrithebastard said...

Rab C

Not fluent in bullshit ... no but this Joc.... Scottish person is

"Security firm lands MoD job three months after John Reid joins as a consultant"

A fucking consultant? was this the same man who in all his military knowledge and tact stated " we probably wont even fire a shot "

6 million rounds later ?

Its akin to asking Ghengis Khan or Vlad the impaler to be " Awareness and diversity consultants " ?

Rightwinggit said...


Rab C. Nesbitt said...

John Reid is a director of celtic footie club, 'nuf said!

electro-kevin said...

So credit crunch isn't a good enough brake on all this.

It's quite clear that people will be spending a lot less on drink, on driving ... on everything in general - and yet they still want to enforce price rises on us.

Why don't they wait to see what the effects of Britain being forced to go to the IMF are going to be ?

I'm sooo angry ... my teeth are grating ... my piss is boiling ... let's man the barracades - wave the banners ... march on ...

Oooh noooo ! The comfy sofa ... Zzzzzzz ...

(We are still in denial. Only when real hardship and austerity begins to bite and we see Anglophone cousins in other nations living prosperously will this country try to right itself)

Gallimaufry said...

The tax on alcohol and chocolate wil be used to fund the redundancy packages of undertakers who will no longer be needed once everyone lives for ever on bran and bicycling. Come to think of it, if everyone is healthier, won't the demand for doctors decrease as well?

DDR said...

Off topic but similar vein regarding the politburo attitude to the plebs

the G20 is apparently exempt from the smoking ban:-$1279775.htm

"Foreign dignitaries attending the G20 summit in London next month will be exempt from the smoking ban, it has been revealed.

The leniency required an amendment to the legislation enforcing the ban.

Certain smoking rooms will now be allowed in the Excel Exhibition Centre in Docklands in east London during the summit.

The announcement provoked instant recrimination from libertarians and publicans."

Old Holborn said...

Brew your own.

I do.

Anonymous said...

What's good enough for me is good enough for them...

Lets see smoking banned in the Houses of Parliament and all subsidy removed from alcohol in the bars.

Just out of interest - is the value of tax on wine and beer related to the retail price? Could this sudden heartfelt concern for our health actually be because of a desire to increase tax revenue?

Anonymous said...

re my bit above on booze cruising.
As I understand it you are (smirks) inoccent until proven guilty in the UK and you can't prove a negative so how the fuck do the customs know that anyone is selling the legally imported alcohol and cigs? As that is what they used to do and if you don't mind impounding the vehicles on suspicion thet they were used in smuggling. I'm not sure if there have been any test cases and who the fuck can afford my learned friends and I doubt id you would be eligible for legal aid and anyway why the fuck should we have to go abroad to by booze that our fellow citizens of the USSEU can buy without let or hinderence?

Ratings and Recommendations by outbrain


Related Posts with Thumbnails