Monday, 30 March 2009

Cut and Paste to your MP

Dear xxxxxxxx

I notice that Her Majesty’s Government has recently published your expenses as my MP.

After much scrutiny, I notice that you have grabbed £xxxxx from my wallet for “the cost of staying away from your main home”. You fat idle cunt! You only live xx miles from fucking Parliament! I know deaf, dumb and blind people who commute further than that every day on filthy lice ridden trains whilst dodging hooded knife wielding scrotes! As you are away so often and I’m paying for it, I am going to seduce your wife and daughters. Up their arses. With a handful of sand.

I also notice that you spend £xxxx of my hard earned money on “staff”. Considering I hear from you once every four years, might I ask as to exactly what I am paying them for? I realise there is a good chance they are your nephew or cousin but nevertheless, they could get a job washing cars or mopping up vomit in McDonalds if they want to spend their gap year “doing” Asia to “find themselves”.

Your Comms allowance is also £xxxxx. What the fuck? Have you launched your own satellite? Why the hell do need that much money to tell me what I can already read about you on a piece of used bog paper?

In total, you cost me £xxxxxx a bastard year. Enough to pay off my mortgage. You BASTARD.

So. As you are my employee and all your “staff” are my employees, and you are spending all my fucking money, I am coming round to “quantatively ease” your fingers off my fucking wallet with a sledgehammer.

Love and kisses

Old Holborn

17 comments:

K. MacEgan said...

End on a happy note like "In 48 hrs it won't matter as you'll be toast".See a couple of spliff blazi' crusties in Devon were lifted by "Gold Command" for possession of a cap gun.You couldnt make it up!

Mark Wadsworth said...

All good stuff, but I don't think that a 'handful of sand' is a good idea, plus, what if your MP is a woman?

Ampers said...

Mark,


Good point, you need to add "In the case of female MPs, we will attack your female lovers the same way."

Ampers.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Ampers, good call. Or one could just offer to do the female MP in person (unless it's Anne Widdecombe).

Anonymous said...

Actually guys, whatever they claim, the real amount is actually 1.5 times higher. If we put in a claim for expenses it's on money we've already paid income tax on. They don't. They take money tax free. So when you read they took £23 grand, it'd take you or I to earn £34 grand. Fat useless cunts.

electro-kevin said...

Old blue eyes is back in town.

caesars wife said...

that is such a wet letter OH , get hannah on the job, surely "like a breshnieve era aparatchik" could be inserted some where

The Lakelander said...

Not only do they have the most generous expenses scheme imaginable, they then want to fiddle the system in a way that would get them fired in any other organisation.

We need one rule for all

Fidothedog said...

Consider it cut an pasted :-)

Balding Nobhead Party said...

"Why look for revenge when being an asshole is punishment in itself?"

Sayeth The Buddha.

JD said...

Pure class OH, pure class..JD

Anonymous said...

Instead of ranting and raving in cyberspace,why don't we actually do something? Littlejohn, at the Daily Backstabber, seems quite convinced that McNulty has broken the law. Can someone check this out,and if this is the case,we don't we organise a countrywide effort to get the thieving cunt's collar felt? Loads of people reporting the crime to various police stations up and down the land migh achieve somwthing.
Urban11

Deadbeat Dad said...

Splendid.

Barnacle Bill said...

Tried that, went into our local nick (when it was open!) to report Mr. McNulty under the Fraud Act 2006, chapter 35, section 2, but they said its not their problem.
Got to be a Harrow resident, bit of a turf wars thingey with-in the various police forces.
So if any Harrow resident feels like having a go?

cuntsucker (an equal opportunities expletive) said...

it's tax-paying arseholes like you, old ho, that encourage these fiscally frisky fuckers in the first place. then you have the temerity to start whingeing on about how some deviant mp misused public resources to have a deluxe dildo removed from her euphonium by a top private consultant or some such similar silly sodding saga. do not feed the fucking pigeons.

the rite honourabble xxxx said...

dear mr old holborn,

1. i did not use your taxes to feather my own nest - i used some other stupid cunt's.

2. your offerings were used to paint white lines down the middle of roads in your local area (largely coz you keep straying over to the righthand side of the freeway you dozy twat).

3. could you please slap together a few alternatively worded wee-mails, you moany old git - i'm getting well fucking bored reading the same one over-and-over again.

4. if you've got an issue with any of the above, fuck off, it's none of your business anyway.

yours


xxxx

mp for old holborn's wet patch - some poor fucker's got to be

mikey said...

Fucking fantastic stuff...

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