Winston Brown to Congress
My fellow Presbyterians, Anabaptists, Episcopaleans. Mormons, Quakers, Jehovah's Witnesses, Christian Scientists, Flat Earthers, Creationists and Obamanites. But not Muslims, obviously.
A snot curtain is coming down across the world. The home owners are going out all across Europe. And not being allowed back into their houses.
I am a child of the House of Commons. I was brought up in my father's Manse not to believe in democracy. ‘Don’t trust the people' - that was his message.
Some people may be startled or momentarily depressed when, like your President, I speak of a long and hard war against them. We have found it necessary to take measures of increasing stringency, not only against enemy aliens and suspicious characters of other nationalities, but also against British subjects, the bastards.
I asked the House a week ago to suspend its judgment because the facts were not clear, but I do not feel that any reason now exists why we should not form our own opinions upon this pitiful episode. We have now invented the facts and they clearly indicate that nothing was my fault.
I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again rubbish; good, as our Polish allies say, for fuck all. That is the resolve of Her Majesty's Government-every man, woman and freak of them. That is the will of Parliament and the nation. Or the English bit, anyway.
We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in Sainsburys, we shall fight in Tesco, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the BBC, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, as long as someone else pays it, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, as, thanks to my Prudence, it will be, then for a thousand years men will say Never, in the field of human incompetence, has so much been owed by so many to Sir Fred Goodwin.
(Slow handclap, burning of Union Jack outside Capitol; chorus; to tune of Auld Lang’s Brown: Go home ya bum, go home ya bum, go-oh home ya bum, go home, go home ya bum, go home ya bum, go-oh home ya bum, go home.)
By Stanislav, a young Polish Plumber (and advertising executive)