Thursday, 19 February 2009

Raped and Shafted


Subj: Management announcement


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

5 comments:

Lord Elvis of Paisley said...

Quite brilliant

WV; firequ (!)

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Oh good, only a year to wait till I get my raping.

microdave said...

That's been doing the rounds for years, still funny, and still true...

K. McEgan. said...

Geez,buddy here was me thinking it was a blog on Warren Blackwell (false rape accusation) Austin Donnelly (ditto) or how DS 501 Lawrence of Hertfordshire plodscum likes to try & fit up innocent men. (See the "altered" wikipedia entry). Oh is Lord Elvis of Paisley the same as My Telegraph? Tel him that cunt Begbie says "Hi".

Nick von Mises said...

Yeah well, that'll teach them for trying to rape the hell out of their kids to pay for their pension and health entitlements

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