A new government report has confirmed that every single person in the country is a fat idiot.
The single-page report is the result of 12 years’ study and contains only the words ‘FAT’ and ‘IDIOTS’, in huge bold type.
Health Secretary Alan Johnson, said, “Basically we’ve found that there are two types of idiot: the one who actually believes what we say and just accepts it without question, and the one who is sceptical but who does fuck all about it anyway.
He added, “But they’re definitely both fat. No, obese. Same thing.”
For the past 12 years New Labour has been busy trying to ensure that there are as many idiots as possible, mainly through destroying education.
“We needn’t have bothered”, said Johnson.
“I watched Strictly Come Dancing, the other day, which seems to involve a lot of unbearable dimwits willingly making fools of themselves and then crying a lot for no reason at all. I thought - what a bunch of idiots.
Anyway, next day I thought I’d announce that everyone in the UK should start dancing. I even said… oh hang on, where are those notes I scribbled last night when I was pissed? Oh here we are, ahem: ‘We evolved as human beings to find food scarce and to expend a lot of energy. Now we live in a society where energy-rich food is abundant and labour-saving technology is ubiquitous. Therefore I plan to create a Dance Working Group’”
He added, “Now, you have to admit that’s a cracker.”
Johnson also plans to make everyone put Swingball in their garden, and eat nothing but prunes.
Anyone caught disobeying will be fined £100 a day and the money would help pay for Jacqui Smith’s new torture chamber at her home in Redditch.
“You laugh”, said Johnson, “but within weeks those idiots would playing Swingball and shitting themselves like the good old reliable numpties we know they are.”
He went on, “Don’t you see? We can say and do what the fuck we like, it doesn’t matter anymore.
We’ve learned that being in Government is all about seeing how much you can get away with, and then pushing it, while sticking two fingers up at Idiot Joe Public. I mean look at Jacqui claiming for all she can get while stripping away everyone’s freedoms right under their noses. She does it because she can, like we all do.”
“You want to be me”, said Johnson. “You do, don’t you? I don’t blame you. I love this job. In fact, I’d personally like to thank each and every one of you gullible idiots for making our lives so easy and so much fun.”
He added, “See what I mean? Now fucking dance you fat bastard!”