Friday, 20 February 2009

Jade Goody to become a Saint

Jade Goody relaxing before her wedding/funeral


Guest post by Dungeekin


Former 'Big Brother' contestant and tabloid revenue-stream Jade Goody is to be beatified by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, it was announced today, in recognition of her tireless work to benefit race relations.

The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and The Beano Sun, will see 'The People's Chav' start her journey to sainthood within the next seven days.

In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.

Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".

The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.
Update from the Penguin
A vacancy has been announced.
Wanted: Pig Ugly Chavette.
Job Description: Reality TV Star and Celebrity Racist
Qualifications: Big Gob, Huge Trout Pout Lips, Thick Skin, Broken Home. No Educational qualifications are permitted.
Desirable: Big Tits, although they can be surgically enhanced later. Two or more bastards, preferably of mixed race. Chain Smoker preferred. Poor personal hygiene an advantage. Body piercings and tattoos welcomed.
Job Location: Essex based but world wide travel will be required.
Pay: unbelievable package is on offer to right Chavette. Also an ex-convict partner is available, slightly soiled.
Apply: Max Clifford
The Penguin

45 comments:

Dungeekin said...

Cheers for the repost.

D

Daisy said...

i don't know why people want such fan fair upon their death...i have no such plans...and everyone who counts knows my wishes of not being viewed...

Fucking delicious! said...

You might add that the third miracle has been turning an anticipated death from cancer into a glorious marketing opportunity proving without doubt that every cloud does indeed have a silver lining. Maybe the final miracle will be an unexplained full recovery just light Ernest Saunders the only man to ever to return to full health from Alzheimer’s disease. The NuLabour peoples princess.

Fucking delicious!

The Penguin said...

If only the Romans had had TV they wouldn't have needed to build all those Colosseums for their bread and circus pacification of a restless population as they fell into terminal decline and debauchery.

The Penguin

K. McEgan. said...

L'Osservatore. Stop press. In news just in Pope Benedict has said he will "step aside" to allow Ms Goody to become Pontifex Maximus. She will be only the second female Pope in history. Both the Israeli and Palestinian administrations tahnked her for brokering the recent peace accord in Al Quds.

an ex-apprentice said...

OH,
This is in very poor taste, even by your abysmal standards. Lets face it, when you start getting fawning, obsequious endorsement from the likes of Mr Golden Delicious, you're not only down the pan, you're round the fucking U-bend.

Did you not stop to think for one moment how that poor pig must feel? You utter, utter unfeeling bastard!

Oldrightie said...

Will that odious creep, Clifford, make more money than she leaves her kids? You betcha!

Old Holborn said...

For clarity, let me publish my thoughts on the matter

1. Any tumour surrounded by Jade Goody has my sympathies

2. She was, is and forever will be a useless fat blob of otter shit. Utterly pointless.

3. The Global IQ will go up several points when she shuffles off this mortal coil.

4. I want the names and addresses of the millions of burberry clad munters who will mourn her demise. Their benefits should be cancelled forthwith.

Cunts. All of them.

MrAngryman said...

Spot on OH, the fucking hypocrisy of the MSM, has been breathtaking. Three months before she got cancer the papers were only too happy to lynch the fat pig, but now through and accident of genetics she's a saint? The amount of sanctimonious cunt dribble being written about this waste of oxygen is astounding. At least you are being honest. Jade Goody was a fat useless troglodyte prior to cancer and now she is still a fat useless troglodyte, no matter how much Max Clifford spins her into some kind of heroine.

I dont see the mass wailing and gnashing of teeth for the many hundreds of people who will also die from cancer in the next month, but still they were never on tele were they?

Harrithebastard said...

Bastards , fucking heartless the lot of you.

The women is dying for gods sake ... still never mind, i wonder if there are any tickets left for the funeral.

Good tickets mind , fuck standing at the back ! better take an umbrella just my bastard luck it will be raining .

Fuck it, if it was me , i would be drinking myself into absolute fucking oblivion from now until the day that they have to prise the whiskey bottle from my cold stiff fingers , and with a bit of luck at my cremation i might even have an ' out of body ' experience , it would take them 6 weeks to put the fire out . the moral of this story ?

Fuck Global warming .

The Penguin said...

Her fuckwit of a husband and widower-to-be has to go home to his mum's every night 'cos he's out of prison on licence.

Cunt said he felt like a film star.

I'd like to have the person who thought up "Big Brother" retrospectively aborted.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

OH,
I hope you took the photograph of the pig last week. It's 10 years you know.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Fucking hellski!

Cancer-stricken reality TV star Jade Goody faces spending her wedding night alone after a jail boss refused to relax her groom's curfew, it has been reported.

Cancer-stricken Big Brother reality TV star Jade Goody leaves her Essex home.

The prison governor rejected a plea for former jailbird Jack Tweed to waive his bail conditions after Sunday's ceremony, the Daily Mirror said.

Terminally-ill Goody, 27, who has been given weeks to live, was said to be "heartbroken" over the move.

Tweed, 21, was jailed for 18 months last September after assaulting a teenager with a golf club.


Sounds like a marriage made in heaven.

Innit.

Harrithebastard said...

OBO , thanks for the info
I just happen to have a free night funny enough on Jades wedding night , so i am available ?

No i have no fucking shame and it would ... nay should be the fuck of a lifetime.

Jack Tweed HMP 352637 said...

I'm fucking minted me. Come straight out the nick and I'm a fucking millionaire, me

Sorted. I'm gonna spend the fucking lot on Ferraris and trainers innit

Dungeekin said...

The constant, unending Meedja coverage of this is driving me nuts.

So, if you liked that, you might like to know that I've saved Sir Elton the inevitable job of rewriting 'Candle in the Wind' in Ms Goody's honour.

D

Kevin said...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

This is a 27-year-old woman dying of cancer. Annoying as she may be, there's nothing funny about it.

She may have, through no fault of her own, lowered the tone of British culture over the last few years, but she's also, also through no fault of her own, going to stop some other young women dying from a preventable disease. The sum of her life will have been net positive.

Taking the piss just makes you sound like a cunt.

Lord Elvis of Paisley said...

I must admit, all this Good bashing is in very poor taste. Like or loathe her (and I'm not a fan), for the lot of you to be taking the piss out of a woman, any woman, dying of cancer is pretty fucking low.

Fidothedog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fidothedog said...

Even Jack Straw is jumping on the bandwagon:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article5772241.ece

Henry Crun said...

Kevin, your refund awaits at the door marked "EXIT".

Harrithebastard said...

Jade Goody is 'absolutely thrilled' today after Justice Secretary Jack Straw stepped in to lift Jack Tweed's curfew for the couple's wedding night on Sunday.

Not as fucking ' thrilled ' as her husband is though, so Max can call off the ' breakout plan now

Total cunt .

Old Holborn said...

Don't forget to make a donation to Jade Goody's "my kids will wear the best Nike trainers innit" fund on the way out.

The Penguin said...

Song For The People's Chav

Goodbye England's Jade
Now you'll never have to grow old.
You were the lump that placed yourself
Where ever cameras rolled.
You called out to our country,
And you whispered to those in pain.
Now you belong to Hello and Heat,
And the stars spell out your name.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

The ugliness we've lost;
These empty days without your smile.
This torch we'll always carry
For our nation's ghastly child.
And even though we try,
The truth brings us to tears;
All our words cannot express
The money you made Max Clifford through the years.

And it seems to me you've lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

Goodbye England's Jade
Now you'll never have to grow old.
You were the lump that placed yourself
Where ever cameras rolled.
Goodbye England's Jade,
From a country lost without your gob,
Who'll miss the rantings of your racism
And you'll miss Jack Tweedy's knob.

And it seems to me you've lived your life
Like a cancer in the wind:
Never fading with the sunset
When the rain set in.
And your footsteps will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills;
Your cancer's burned out long before
Your legend ever will.

The Penguin

The Penguin said...

Damn, Dungeekin's version is better than mine.

Oh well, I'll just put my order into Max Clifford Video Inc. for the Wedding Night Special (Adult Version).

Should become a collector's item.

The Penguin

Lord Elvis of Paisley said...

What I don't understand is how a bunch of grown men acting like playground bullies making fun of the bald girl is doing anything to further your so-called libertarian cause. Sorry, but this stinks.

And before you say it, I know where the exit is, but unlike the rest of you I'll walk out with my head held high on this issue. Wankers!

Anonymous said...

I dont want to be present at my own death, never mind anyody else!

Ali Stamps said...

What a bunch of self righteous wankers! Your vitriolic spanking of dying girl is adding to the media attention you crow on about: fucking hypocrites. You obviously don't want 'followers' who question you're opinion so I too will fuck off. Would say more but you're not worth the effort.

Old Holborn said...

We all die, however most of us don't sell our deaths to the highest bidders, in full knowledge that it will be resold to plebs to line the pockets of the super rich.

If you think this is in bad taste, wait for the fighting for front seats by Z list celebs at the funeral (to be held at Wembley), the crocodile tears at the passing of this "icon" and the miles of tabloids pouring out pseudo grief at the one person they truly loved to vilify.

Fat useless pig croaks after fleecing the gullible for ten million. Get over it.

Army Barrack Obama said...

The reason she gets so much in the news, apart from the efforts of Max Clifford, is that she is an out and out racist and so many people look up to her as a hero as she said, on TV what so many others admire.

Not me, however. My father told me the true definition of a gentleman is someone sho never knowingly hurts anyone's feelings.

Jade Google put a dark skinned woman in her place and almost escaped scot free if you don't count her demise as part of a punishment.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Charming crowd and charming post Dungeekin.With all that cynicism and wit you must be a real catch. I find your entire attitude revolting. Basically you're ridiculously peeved that someone like Jade is all over the media for doing not a whole lot. For the record buddy, you don't have to like her, you don't have to consume the media regarding her, maybe jst doing your best to ignore might make you the bigger person that you clearly need to become. All your post achieves is portraying your poor character. How dare you have the audacity to take from anybody going through the nightmare Jade Goody is living. Regardless of the victim-and she IS a victim, nobody has authority to criticise the situation unless they are going through it. The girl is dying, leaving her young life and young family behind her, how can you judge on that and mock it? Your post is in such poor taste. If its any indication of your own eulogy, you're screwed.

The Penguin said...

14.23 - Are you Dolly Dripper?

The Penguin

derekdrapers mum said...

Anon @1423 it may interest you to know that we were able to trace you despite your attempts at anonymity through the drool you left on your keyboard. Through the wonder of modern science we were able to analyse that drool and extract a sample of your DNA. Using sophisticated techniques pioneered by the FBI we were able to come to the conclusion that....


You are a cunt

Have a nice day

Dave H said...

She's a stupid, useless chav whose rise to celebrity ought to be a ghastly national embarassment.

But she had the cards stacked against her at birth. And I don't wish cancer on anyone.

Dave H said...

And I forgot to add her face always reminded me of a horseshoe bat.

Dick the Prick said...

Fuck her. You gotta take your hat off to the fake meeja machine though - pretty bloody impressive.

Liked the 'People's Chav' - quality.

readmyrant said...

derekdrapers mum-Ouch! like I said, full of charm! You just stay working on that computer and hiding yourself from the world, its in everyones interest.
Have a great day,

the Cunt

Anonymous said...

I winder how many people would sell their death to the highest bidder if it meant their kids would be provided for, educated well and have a promising future ahead of them. Quite a few is my guess.This stinks of hypocrisy.
Surely kicking a person when their dying, even an enemy is immoral and cowardly.Seems to me she is being made a scapegoat for the failing of our government because she`s an easy target. Pathetic.

Dungeekin said...

I know I shouldn't feed the trolls, but sod it.

Those of you who don't like the post - perhaps you'd care to re-read it, apply your no-doubt prodigious intellects and work out what the ACTUAL piece is about?

Because those of you who say it's attacking Jade are wrong. Read it again, it doesn't attack her or her illness.

And those of you saying I am - and I quote - 'ridiculously peeved that someone like Jade is all over the media for doing not a whole lot'. You're also wrong. Thanks for playing.

Read it again.

Then go back to news articles from 2007, when the same media now lauding this person to the skies as a paragon of virtue, were calling for her public flogging, if not execution, when she made racists comments about 'Shilpa Poppadum'.

Read the article again. Work out WHO is actually being attacked.

And have a nice day.

Dungeekin

Anonymous said...

1. Any tumour surrounded by Jade Goody has my sympathies

2. She was, is and forever will be a useless fat blob of otter shit. Utterly pointless.

3. The Global IQ will go up several points when she shuffles off this mortal coil.


Maybe its about the unsavoury comments not the post.

Just a thought...

The Penguin said...

If you can't stand the cunt and everything she represents and all the disgusting media cicus and ludicrous money that surrounds the whole sick fucking charade, why be hypocritical about her dying?

It's the best career move she could make, like Elvis and James Dean, and Heath Ledger. Makes you wonder if Max Clifford didn't suggest it.

The Penguin

Anonymous said...

Thanks for clarifying the assault with a golf club as I read somewhere (honest) assault with a GOLD club I know this cow has made a load of money but come on.Oh by the way good riddance to the dole tapping fucking slag hope its contagious and takes a few million mors of the parasites with her.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

So Jack Straw, Minister Of Love, is easing the bail conditions for Jades " Widower-In-Waiting " ?
Don't suppose Jack will be getting all compassionate about Ronnie Biggs who, at 78, is currently dying of pneumonia in Norwich Prison.
Mind you, Ronnie has not been a media star for a few years so why would he bother ?

Bishop Brennan said...

Post of the year so far for me - and unlikely to be surpassed.

The media hypocrisy is unbelievable, even for the Sun.

And as for Max Clifford... there's only one word that suffices. Hoon.

Anonymous said...

really just plain nasty comments about a mother, daughter granddaughter or whoever,(lets be glad its someone elses and not our own) You all just seem to want to out do each other as to who can be the nastiest.
i am sure we have all add a laugh at jades expense, and I for one believe she has been fair game in the past.
Time to back off her case a little I think. there is always Jack 'the prat' Tweedy to annihilate after jades demise.

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