FROM THE PRESS
STAR LETTER****STAR LETTER*****STAR LETTER
Readers will be thrilled as this issue of VAZ magazine drops through their letterboxes - those of them, that is, who, and only thanks to NewLabour, still have homes and thus letterboxes; others, warming themselves in the public library, before facing a cold NewLabour night on the park bench and a swift, enjoyable - but not for them - Community Tasering from Citizen-Officers of the Urban Re-Education Squad, may read it from the rack near the door containing useless, clapped-out hobby magazines like the Economist and the Spectator and the Private Eye.
*MRS OILY VAZ NEWS, this issue contains an in-depth interview with Mrs Maria Oily Vaz: Ten Reasons Why I Should Be Lady Vaz – 1, "that fucking old scrote, Elspeth Campbell, is Lady Campbell, innit and her old man husband, Ming, never even owned a cash ‘n’ carry, or a proper House of Bengal Curry House" ..…pages six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
* VAZ FAMILY NEWS. We have the rupees, but not the ermine, complain the VAZ juniors, Sanjit, Ranjit, and Imran - and some girls who don’t, in our wonderful, musical, and spicy ancient culture, (c.1948) count, only for throwing on the pyre when their revered husband-nonces pass away. Our father, which art not, shamefully, in the House of Lords, deserves better than this. Our father can go and be a thieving, oily, tyrannical, bullying bastard back in Aden, they love all that shit there, you know. Chop your fucking hand off if you criticise MPs, not that they have MPs.
*VAZPRAISE FROM PARLIAMENTARY COLLEAGUES. As chair of the home affairs committee, Keith has helped remove any trace of civil liberties in this, his adopted homeland and the government should show its appreciation, said VAZFAN, Lady Martin Salter, one of NewLabour’s hysterical and gender-dubious, up-and-coming McNutter-Fascists.
VAZ on VAZ. In a frank interview written by himself, Keith Oily Vaz, Labour MP (formerly Nigel Oily Vaz, Tory parliamentary candidate, honest, not invent) tells us how he never did anything wrong while minister for Europe it was all got up by the Telegraph and how his recent voting with six sour-faced, wife-beating, sash-wearing presbyterian-bastard undertakers was a matter of conscience and not because, Gordon the SnotMunching prime minister of England has promised him a peerage, the horrible filthy degenerate one-eyed, lavender-marriaged, warmongering bastard and shit-eating, bad-tempered, cock-sucking, drugged-up maniac who couldn’t, scrabbling with his nail bitten fingers, count the small change in his own pocket and come twice to the same sum, the useless, pampered, inadequate babyman, freak of nature and psychobastard. People, furthermore, have given me money, hissed Oily Vaz to himself, and I have recommended them for peerages, passports and contracts; simple, perfectly honourable conduct worthy of a shifty, opportunistic, lying piece of shit like my right honourable self – did I tell you that in my humble opinion I am the most important Roman Catholic Asian in the UK, - even though I come from the Middle East - apart the Hinduja Bros, who, with Lord Mandelson and others I did not help secure UK passports, or only a little bit anyway. Now that I have given the prime minister the majority he needed in order to crush, once and for all, the idea that we work for you and not the other way around, I should have a peerage, innit; do you want chilli on this kebab ? Oily Keith refuted the grounds of his one-month suspension from the commons in 2002 on the grounds that "Mr Oily Vaz recklessly made a damaging allegation against Miss Eggington to the Commissioner, which was not true, and which could have intimidated Miss Eggington or undermined her credibility"Where I come from, me duck, Leicester, or Aden, if you must, everybody takes bribes, innit, everybody bullies the citizen, and everybody seeks to misuse their official position. And anyway, if I had done all these bad things how come I am in charge of scrutinising the most important legislation passed by my fellow thieving bastards in their own interests and those of their paymasters eg Mr and Mr Hinduja and various Russian gentlemen who own most of the UK; now, do you want chilli, or do you not want chilli, I am a lawyer and I may sue you and I may also use my parliamentary privilege to embarrass and bully you and you will have no redress. Not if Mr Speaker has anything to do with it.
FREE VAZOSAURUS COMPETITION. Win a coupon exchangeable at your local waste disposal facility for a five-gallon container of poisonous oily rubbish. Simply smirk, sit in your chair and pour it over your head to create your very own OILY VAZ-SLICK, see decent people slip and slide, finally choking to death on the toxic atmosphere which surrounds your every oily, dishonest, self-centred, greedy act. Say aloud “I am an MP/Peer/Lawyer/Banker/Surgeon and you can’t touch me.”
To win your free VAZ-SLICK simply tick which four-letter words from the VAZOSAURUS (other words for Keith/Nigel Vaz MP) apply to the Chair of the home affairs select committee:
Keith/Nigel Vaz is a (circle as appropriate) SLAG, SPIV, PRAT, SHIT, LIAR, ARSE, DICK, FUCK, TURD, CUNT, TWAT. (clue: it’s all of them and many more.)
Mail your correct answers – “Keith Vaz is all of the above” - to Nigel Keith Anthony Standish Vaz, MP, House of Commons, London W1 or to http://www.keithvazmp.com/
*NEXT WEEK IN VAZ MAGAZINE: Hundreds of Twenty-something totty reasons why Jock Stringvest Neil should be sacked from the BBC. (apart from him being a crap journalist who hasn't had a good Thalidomide story in forty-odd years, unless you count his monthly BBC interview with fellow filthy old bastard, Peter Stringpenis, brothel-keeper, ponce, slag, smirking, poxed-up, Viagra-fuelled degenerate and embarrassing mouthy, self-opinionated ignoramus and cunt. )