Monday, 29 December 2008

Ever used Wiki?


Give them a fiver. They're skint


I have.



That's an African AIDS orphan starving next month then. Never mind.

Hogmanay 2008


I'm off for a few days to a Scottish Castle near Fort William with my good lady to drink, feast and be merry. As a member of the Buchanan Clan (although I am not a wife beater or herion addict, yet), I shall be suitably dressed in a stunning Buchanan dress kilt, without a doubt the loudest fucking tartan in the world.



I am assured the Campbells who own the place are very trustworthy and have told me they have full internet access. They never lie and are great hosts apparently. To be on the safe side, I am going to stab the fucker anyway. (He probably means the Cornish Internet ie. Ceefax)


Let's Rumble


Map updated courtesy of Chris Gilmour
Discuss.
Best Quote so far from wonkotsane:
"like taking a shotgun to your neighbours kids for throwing stones at your conservatory that you've built in their back garden."


hat tip Polaris

Sunday, 28 December 2008

2008 Poll



You can vote as many times as you like and I am sending a prize to the winner.

Old Holborn Polished Turd award 2008

How to reduce Obesity and other solutions


How to reduce Obesity

Release hungry Tigers into nightclubs and shopping centres. Seal the doors.



How to reduce drug fuelled crime



Make drugs freely available, taking away a £1 Billion revenue stream from Winston da gun toting Yardie, innit and decimating burglary, muggings and petty theft overnight. No more "Granny beaten to death for £5" stories. Ever.



How to reduce sex slavery



Introduce licenced Brothels, leaving 500,000 Albanian gangsters out of a job or a revenue stream.



How to reduce Alcohol consumption



Invite 2 million Muslims to the UK, let them have their own parliament, jump up and down at anything they think is unislamic and threaten to kill us all in our beds if we do not bow to Mecca and Sharia Law.



Which one of the above do YOU think the Gummint are doing?

Saturday, 27 December 2008

How to reduce Crime


Another of my short suggestions to slow the hand cart on it's way to Hell.


Britain is now the most crime riddled cesspit in Europe and no one gives a fucking shit. Well, I do.


Gummint report

How to reduce crime by 10% overnight.

Simply round up the 5,000 cunts that are responsible for 10% of ALL crime and weld the fucking door shut of a brand new Prison (no PS2’s, gyms, TV,s pool tables, prayer rooms, single cells etc) based on Lundy.

How to HALVE ALL crime overnight.

Simply round up the other 95,000 cunts who are responsible for 50% of ALL crime in the UK move them to the outer Hebrides.

How to reduce the Prison population by 15% (11,000).

Boot the foreign prisoners out, wipe your arse on their passports and leave them on a small pacific island for their country to collect. Or not.

How to reduce prison populations in general and cut costs.

Outsource anything over a 12 month sentence to either Istanbul or Marakesh. Let’s see you bastards reoffend after 18 months of Midnight Express with arses like Flanders Poppies.


Bastards


Source: Old Holborn think tank, a part of Common Fucking Sense Ltd..

Friday, 26 December 2008

2009, here we go


I must admit, financially, 2008 has been a good year for Old Holborn. Interest rates have gone down, his business is thriving thanks to unlimited public funds, politician’s promises, a collapsing pound and climate change idiots. House prices are crashing and I expect to add a few cheap auction bought properties to my portfolio by the end of next year to boost my pension in old age.

Now let’s look at what 2009 will bring, not for me, but for society in Britain. Let’s look at any lessons that should have been learned in 2008 but haven’t. And the consequences of our actions.

I think I can safely say that if 9 million idiots voted for New Labour last time around, we can expect them to do the same should the gay malicious Cyclops heading up our “Government” even bother to call an election in 2009. They’ve made sure that they have become the number one employer in the UK, taking your taxes and dripping them back to you like some melting heap of stinking lard. That's 7 million votes in the bag before even having to fiddle the rest.

Blue Dave is not going to change anything. He’s had all the chances he’s going to get.

This morning, the very sinister Robert Peston remarked that 2009 is going to be the “end of an era”. Yes, Robert it is. He also mentioned that the future holds an even bigger State as it grabs the burning ruins as fast as it can. And he should know.

Out there are millions of people who weren’t raised by their parents but by Sky TV. They don’t know what to do when it gets tough. They’ve just marched off to the council, or Citizens Advice when an unexpected bill or crisis hit the mat. They’re not used to “dealing with things” because someone else, usually State sponsored, has been on hand to tell them they have ADHD, had a deprived upbringing, should be claiming compensation or blaming someone else.

2009 and going to be an interesting year for them. Because once the State has the power, it isn’t going to help them one iota. They are already planning to allow the bailiffs to break into your house and “restrain” you whilst your debt ridden possessions are plundered. They already want to crush your car, tell you how much to eat, not to smoke, not to drink or swear. This is just a taste.

When they kick off after a long hot summer, there will be enough Police on the streets to put them back in front of Sky TV again. Because private Police companies are being set up with your money to ensure that the power stays where it belongs. Protecting our masters. They won’t be there to save YOU, but god forbid anyone should try to force down the price of petrol or protest within a mile of where the crazy 646 meet and laugh at us. From Community Wardens, PCSO’s and anti terrorist Police to CCTV manned by volunteers and networks of informants, we’ll all be kept in our place.

I’ll be taking a walk again on November 5th, but as usual, I can’t announce it as a demonstration or a protest because then I can’t do it with a mask and I’ll be expected to provide marshalls after I have received “permission” for it to go ahead. Fuck that. I’m not even registered to vote because I seek to become as invisible to the State as possible (£1000 fine for not being registered to vote by the way).

No, I’ll do what I need to do in 2009. I’ll protect me and mine from the ever increasing army of Eastenders and Stella placated ferals who will find their Danegeld a little more thin on the ground. I’ll continue to rely on ME to feed, clothe and generate wealth for my family whilst dodging the pathological urge of our masters to control every waking minute of our lives. I’ll continue to find ways to annoy, insult and hold the 646 to account, to be a pain in the collective arses, to find their weaknesses and exploit them.

I’ll move my throbbing organ offshore before they close me down, like some dissident radio station in East Germany and continue to speak my mind. The irony being it would be easier and safer to set up a blog from East Germany than it would from Essex.


So I ask you to join me in 2009, calling a Hoon a Hoon, causing chaos in the comments section, and not so gently reminding them that whatever they might think or do, the real power remains with us. As long as Eastenders isn’t on.


PS Just heard some finicial expert on the radio telling us that the UK is going to have to export something to make a living next year. Wonder what that will be then?

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Madness and Mayhem




I’m not going out again until it calms down out there.

Wednesday is market day in Braintree and the fish bloke will have oysters and I like oysters. I hadn’t reckoned with every mong in the east of England being out too.

1 Make the fucking baby walk. He’s SEVEN YEARS OLD. He does not need a pushchair, you do not need to meet up with three other “mothers” with pushchairs and gossip about Beckhams arse and block the fucking pavement.



2. Because you ate all the pies is no reason to load your bloated carcass into a motobility scooter, with optional wheezy old dog and block up every thoroughfare. I know you can walk because your shoes are worn out.



3. Control your fucking kids. I too am a parent and my six were put in the cellar days ago and will be released for an hour tomorrow to receive a walnut, a tangerine and a spinning top. Then it’s back to the cellar until school opens again in January. As it should be.



4. Artificial Reindeer antlers are beyond fucking stupid. So is tinsel as a belt around your enormous arse. Stop it.



5. Stop buying shit. I saw a woman come out of Argos with a novelty fairground “grab crane” machine thing. That’ll prove a bag of fun for years to come, I’m sure.



6. You are not homeless. You are Eastern European. Stop saying “Big Issue, Boss” with more gold in your teeth than the Bank of England has in it’s vaults.



7. Just because it is Christmas Eve, it is no reason to go around in gangs with cans of Stella at lunchtime, shrieking like fucking banshees.



8. Stanislav and Dimitris hand car wash has them queuing down the street. I suppose if you are going to visit Dawn and Barry on Boxing day, the last thing you could face is them finding a spot of dust on your 100% financed four year old Audi, is it? Oh, the shame. Never mind that you have just lost your job, have more debt than most of Africa and pass the day popping Prozac to keep the black dog from making you kill your self and can’t think of anything other than suicide.



9. Do you really need your nails done by an elf? On Christmas Eve? Really? Ye fucking Gods



10. It isn’t going to snow. So stop asking.



Bastards

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Are you sitting comfortably?


Then I'll begin.


Not content with being quiet and having a few days off over Christmas, Gummint ministers and Pravda have decided to micromanage your Winterfest activities to remind you who is boss.



Ministers are warning about the dangers of gravy "exploding" in microwaves as they seek to cut the 80,000 accidents which happen in homes each Christmas.
A safety leaflet also warns of "tipsy guests crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table".
About 150,000 of the Advent calendar-style leaflets are being handed out.
Minister Delyth Morgan said the aim was to remind people "of the small but important things parents can do" to avoid "a trip to the hospital".
The children's minister added: "The leaflet we've produced this Christmas will act as a reminder of the small but important things parents can do around the home to make sure Christmas is a time for fun and laughter, not tears."
The leaflet - called 'Tis the Season to be Careful - gives advice such as not leaving dregs of alcohol in glasses and also tells parents to be careful with candles and games with small pieces.
And it also warns that injuries in people's homes at Christmas can include people cutting themselves with knives in the rush to open presents and children riding new bikes into walls.
It also warns of "gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook trying to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables".


How about this BBC and the Gummint? Just fuck off, mind your own fucking business and stop telling me what to fucking do, you cunts? Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking.


Bastards
UPDATE: It is not snow falling on your screen. It is flakes of skin and dried knob cheese falling from the tiny cock of Derek Draper as he furiously "stabs the cat" whilst reading my blog. Thank you

Monday, 22 December 2008

Old Holborn reduces murder rate by 20%

Photo by Tractorstats





As a good deed for 2009, I am going to save the lives of between 80 and 100 innocent people in the UK.






Ugly Jacqui, MP



Midlands



Dear Jackboot,

Do not allow people who have been charged with murder or violent crimes out on bail,
as 20% of them WILL kill someone else before they go to jail. If you do let them out on bail, I am going to make it my business to tell them where you live AND pay their train fare to you house. And yes, I do know where you live. Your husband, Richard Timney, told everyone.

Hugs and kisses

Old Holborn.







That should do it. Thank me later.




Nigella Crimbo Frot

the Good Life. For some




Hat tip to torybear

Friday, 19 December 2008

Let me go home!

Allah! Let me get the fuck out of here, innit!


An illegal immigrant who tried to flee Britain six times by stowing away on cargo ships leaving Avonmouth keeps getting caught and being made to stay.
Rashid Ali made the escape attempts by hiding in boats bound for his native Morocco over a period of more than four years.
After his fifth attempt to return home, Ali, 30, was held in a detention centre for three years at a cost to the taxpayer of £250,000.
But the Home Office still failed to repatriate him - and two days after being released he was nabbed hiding yet again on another boat.


Remarkable. Even an illegal raghead is spending YEARS trying to get off the doomed Titanic whilst our "masters" re-arrange the deckchairs.


I'm currently in Bristol and a fellow seditionary pointed this out for me. Kerry, you fat faced lezzer, if you fancy some tofu nibbles and non alcoholic nettle beer, we could discuss why this poor guy is not allowed to go home over lunch tomorrow. You useless, utterly useless twat. (Meet you in Cafe Maitreya at 10am)

How, exactly, does this work?



Ferrari have bucked the global economic crisis squeezing Formula One by agreeing a sponsorship deal with Indian carmaker Tata.
"For the first time an Indian brand will appear on the Ferrari," president Luca di Montezemolo told Italian media. "It's historic."
A Ferrari spokesman confirmed a deal had been reached and said the details and duration would be announced shortly.
Tata and Ferrari's parent company Fiat have a joint venture in the Indian state of Maharashtra to produce cars.


Right. Tata has so much money, they can sponsor Ferrari in F1. YET..



Jaguar Land Rover, owned by the Indian conglomerate Tata, wants a £1 billion bailout and Vauxhall, owned by General Motors, is also asking for financial aid.


They really do think we are cunts, don't they?

Equal and Fair

Ugly Stalinist Bitch MP (Lab)


When I was at school, I was crap at sports for a myriad of reasons, most of them being connected that I am not a team player, I do not enjoy standing out in the fucking freezing cold dressed in shorts and a t shirt and I would rather be smoking a fag behind the science block with Helen Smithson of 4G

I did notice, however, that if you were good at a particular sport, the teachers thought they might have a champion on their hands and get extra funding or a new set of goalposts. They offered to “tutor” you and make you even better. This was seen by the Righteous as a “good thing”.

So how come the powers that be are up in arms about parents tutoring their kids to get through the 11 plus then? Apparently, it is all supposed to be “fair and equal” when it comes to brains but not fair and equal when it comes to gymnastics.


“It is unacceptable for one-to-one tuition to be the sole preserve of the
well-off," said Schools Minister Sarah McCarthy-Fry. "We want all children,whatever their family’s income, to get the extra support they need to get back on track."

Well, Sarah, you can fuck off. I have six children and will do ANYTHING to make sure they are not trapped in minimum wage jobs or benefits as you would prefer, you bastard Stalinist. You would prefer that we took the Karen Matthews path of parenthood in order to heap more responsibility on the State and none on the parent. In your own vested interests of course. You don’t have the guts to tell the thick kid that he is thick, yet you are happy to tell the fat kid he is fat and take him into care. You are happy to tell me I am unhealthy and stop me smoking and drinking but you don’t have the guts to tell parents to teach their fucking kids more than how to change channel on the 50” plasma.

I’m coming for you Sarah. I’m going to find out why you are so against “advantage”. Why you believe we are all equal, yet know we aren’t. And then I’m going hoist you by your own petard, publicly.



Stupid fucking cow.
UPDATE: Ah, now I understand. "In the July 2007 reshuffle, Sarah was appointed PPS to the Chief Whip, Geoff Hoon."

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister

Captions please!


To the tune of 'I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General'*

I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister
My words are often cynical, my motivation sinister
I know the laws of England though for me they don't quite register
From Habeus to Corpus, Magna Carta doesn't matter here!


I'm very well acquainted too with matters all political
I understand elections, swing, and all the tricks to rig 'em all
On Paliamentary theorem I am teeming with a lot o'news
With many cheerful facts to use to baffle and befuddle you


I know about the people struggling through in this economy
Yet 'coz I am a Minister it doesn't really bother me
As I make loads of cash from all my Interests on the Register
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister


Chorus
As he makes loads of cash from all his Interests on the Register
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister


I know our country's history from Thatcher to Jim Callaghan
I've studied all our foreign wars from Falklands to Afghanistan
And yet I signed the sales forms giving weapons to the Taliban
Because I'm not like Churchill, I am rather more like Chamberlain


Now I can speak to Parliament and People with authority
On topics one and all, from income tax to foreign policy
My speeches are a marvel of sonority not brevity
And I can make it sound to them like I have genuine empathy


And I can write a bill to take your Civil Rights away from you
With DNA, ID Cards and a database to follow you
In short with legislation that's designed to chafe and monitor
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister


Chorus
In short with legislation that's designed to chafe and monitor
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister


In fact when I can understand just what is meant by 'poverty'
When I know more of life than does a novice in a nunnery
And worked instead of reading PPE at University
Then I could do my job with more compassion and propriety


For all my time in Parliament, I'm niggarly and cowardly
I simply feel the Laws of all the land do not apply to me
In short, I am a Stalinist, with motivations sinister
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister


Chorus
In short, he is a Stalinist, with motivations sinister
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister


*With apologies to both Gilbert AND Sullivan
Hat tip to Dungeekin

A wee dram?


How old is Gorbals Mick? I’ve just read that the average life expectancy of your wife beating, heroin addled Glasgow born porridge wog is a mere 62.2 years, the lowest in Europe.



Brilliant.
UPDATE: Gorbals Mick is 63 years old. Looks like he is literally living on borrowed time, the fat Jockanese pissboiler. I've put some extra champagne on ice in case he croaks over Crimbo.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Suspect the Innocent. Reward the Guilty

"We're watching you, you bastards"



Interesting that whilst 12 year olds who never been charged with anything are on Big Jackboot Jacqui's DNA database, yet "a substantial number" of the most serious offenders in Britain's prisons, including murderers and rapists, are not on the DNA database. "

You stupid fucking cow.


Meanwhile, the Police in Manchester are harvesting everyone's fingerprints using mobile scanners. Especially innocent people. (Gotta love the BBC phrase "a new hand-held device that can establish a potential offender's identity within minutes." We are ALL potential offenders, you cockwafts)

Oh, and Shannon Matthews mum is doing what she does best. Sitting on her fat arse and watching TV all day , using the new Playstation we've just bought her. At least she doesn't have to make her own dinner now, eh?

Wolverhampton Police and Council Environmental services (WTF?!!) have decided to use school children to spy on us. And they get uniforms too!

Monday, 15 December 2008

A Little Respect

I'll be honest. I've never had any time for violent conflict and as such have always considered the Army to be full of pompous officers and psycotic thugs, the Navy to be full of pompous officers and poofs and the airforce to be full of pompous poofs.

I certainly couldn't do what they do, because no fucker tells me what to do, but in recent years, I have grown to appreciate a certain type of human. I ask you to watch the following video, no matter what your views, and reflect a little. I certainly have.


Turn the sound down.

Please, get back here, all of you. You are needed. You do things I cannot, but I fear will be needed to be done. Here.
4 minutes of your time. And a little respect.

Kerry McCarthy MP supports Apartheid


One of my favourite 646 idiots is showing her tru colours again, innit (sic). My readers will know of my regular items outlining what a complete twat she is, my now banned visits to her bloglike mouthpiece and my keeness to show the good citizens of Mogadishu East that they really ought to be getting something better than a mouth breathing moron so far up Gordons arse that we can't even see her toenails anymore.


Here's some more.


It appears Kerry is very keen to support the Bristol Black Carers Group. She's been there loads and spoke at their AGM for the fourth time


Hang on, Black Carers Group? Er..WHAT?




To be able to take advantage of our service you must be a Black Carer.
Not sure what that means?
Below are the definitions - if any of them apply to you then we can help you.

What we mean by the term 'Black'

If you are of African, African Caribbean, Asian, Chinese or Vietnamese origin then, under our Projects definition, you are a black person.


Would it not be easier to put "white people can fuck off", even though they are forced to pay for it??


So



Kerry McCarthy MP
326a Church Road
St. George
Bristol
BS5 8AJ

15th December 2008


Dear Kerry,

I notice with interest your support for the publicly funded Bristol Black Carers Project Ltd. I wasn’t there this year to hear you address their AGM. I wasn’t at the previous three that you have spoken at either, so I thought I’d write to you instead.

I had a quick look at the charity commission and see that they currently have over £100,000 of funds. Wow! Get in!

I would like to ask your help in setting up a Bristol White Carers Project Ltd for the sole use of white people. I would like to join the Black Carers Project, but I am not allowed to because of my colour. I also have a Hispanic friend who is not allowed to join either because he is not “African, African Caribbean, Asian, Chinese or Vietnamese” either as it states we must be on their website at http://www.blackcarersproject.co.uk/whocanuse.htm

I would like to book an appointment with you at your above listed surgery anythime in the next two weeks to discuss this matter.

I am sure you can help me overcome this obstacle to create a fairer, equal and just society in Bristol.

Love and kisses

Old Holborn



UPDATE: She's taken the bait





hat tip to Martin J

UPDATE 2: Leg Iron has picked up on it

A good Shoeing



I am sending all my old shoes to

Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP
10, Downing Street
London
SW1A 2AA

If anyone knows of a virtual "throw a shoe" card, let me know

Sunday, 14 December 2008

£130 Million spent on Jack Straws Office






Here we go again, another day and another huge amount of taxpayers cash spunked up against the wall.


The Prime Minister Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, sorry James Gordon Brown today said that crime will be reduced by the building of the Golden House sorry Jack Straws new office.


Like his famous political namesake Gordon has wasted millions on games for the plebs which will have little financial benefit for the nation other than to take the minds of the plebs and proles off of their woes.

Opposition politicians and union leaders have expressed astonishment at the cost of the project to create a new home for Justice Secretary Jack Straw and his staff.

The remodelling of the concrete tower block, next to St James' Park in London, cost £915 a square foot to complete – around 18 times more than a standard refurbishment would cost in the private sector.


In addition to the refurbishment costs, £2,745,000 was lavished on new furniture and fittings for the offices and £290,000 was spent on artwork.

Nick Herbert, the shadow justice secretary, said: "A Government that prioritised public safety might have used this money to prevent the early release of prisoners.


Instead they've spent a staggering sum on a new palace for the Lord Chancellor.


"When ministers are demanding cuts in prison and courts budgets, such lavish spending on their own offices will intensify questions about the value of a new department which is clearly failing to live up to its own name."

From the outside, the Ministry of Justice offices look no different from when the Home Office moved out of the same building in 2005.

Harry Fletcher assistant general secretary of the probation union NAPO, condemned the expense.

"This is a colossal waste of taxpayers' money. This is an extraordinary sense of priorities," he said.
"At the same time as they are spending a huge amount of money on refurbishing this building, they are about to cut the probation budget by £120m and shed 3,000 prison jobs, all of which will lead to more reoffending and more victims.

"Lavish refurbishment seems more important to ministers than reducing crime."
In October this year leaked documents revealed secret plans to cut 10,000 jobs over the next three years at the Ministry of Justice and its agencies.

Official documents indicated that 3,000 jobs would go from the Prison Service, more than 3,100 in the courts and more than 1,300 in probation.

A Ministry of Justice spokesman said the "rationalisation" of its estate would bring "substantial future savings".


New offices and artwork whilst the nation falls apart. A case of Nero fiddling whilst Rome burns. Still at least Brown has not killed off his mother....yet.



The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. - Cicero - 55 BC



"A weak currency is the sign of a weak economy, which is the sign of a weak government" - Gordon Brown, 1995

X-Fucked Her

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Hooray! More Free Money!!


The next recipient of your hard earned cash (following Gordon spunking £6 BILLION on Aids riddled Africans) is that blossoming bastion of all things wonderful, Pakistan.



The UK is giving a £480m support package to Pakistan to help increase security on the Afghanistan border.
Douglas Alexander, the UK international development secretary, said the money would also be focused on education and health projects.



Wonderful stuff. I thought I'd have a look at where all my money is being pissed up the wall by UK International Development Agency, so I popped over to their website. A few clicks later and I was witnessing the stunning work done.


I am now going for a lie down, whilst I try and work out exactly how killing innocent civilians in Mumbai is so richly rewarded from MY pocket. Then I'm going to find a way to stop it.

The Children aren't thinking of you.



Leg-iron here, with a story OH tipped over on my place. It's not an isolated incident and to be honest it never was. All that's changed is the reaction of the authorities.

Apologies for length...

Years ago, a town in Scotland had a little sod who was so uncontrollable they actually banned him from the town. He was beyond any redemption. He turned up briefly in Aberdeen but then he went silent. Either the local toughs were out of his league, or he moved on to Peterhead prison. I don’t know.

It happens sometimes. Once in a while someone is born who will do nothing but cause damage and pain to the community. For these people, it doesn’t matter whether their family is rich or poor. It doesn’t matter whether they are educated at Private School for Very Smart Kids or Dead-end Comprehensive Run by Beards or anything in between. It makes no difference at all because they are just plain bad.

Many kids join gangs in their youth. These can range from a group who just hang around together to a group hell-bent on getting into fights with other gangs, to drug dealing, even to killing. Some of those gang members will go on to full criminal activity. Most will grow up and become stockbrokers, window cleaners, train drivers or priests and so on.

For many of those kids kicking up trouble in the estates, there is a reason. Their parents are unemployed and see no hope of employment. Some of their parents aren’t even trying. Many of those kids don’t know who their fathers are. Too many of them were born to gain benefits for Mum, not because they were actually wanted.

In school, they are not taught real skills but social project nonsense that sounds very pretty but is worthless in the world of work. They are told that they are all winners and that they should all be going to University to study knitting, fish filleting and social work. They are not allowed to experience failure. They are not allowed to experience pain. They are not allowed to experience disappointment and they are not taught that some things are not possible for some people. School won’t tell them that they are destined to be road sweepers because they just weren’t born with a good brain. School tells them that they are entitled to be Einstein and if they don’t make it, it’s because someone else is stopping them.

That turns out some pretty twisted kids. Some of those kids see the light and get away from the nonsense they’ve been fed, but many will just sit back on the benefits system. Where’s the shame in that? It’s the family business now. They are Entitled. Teacher said so. These kids feel cheated and angry but most of them can be turned around. The trouble is, it might take a total loss of benefits to do it. Then they’ll see that they can look after themselves after all. Their first attempts will not be pretty but in the end they’ll get the idea.

Among them are those bad influences still. Those born to be bad. Sociopaths, you might call them, and they are not a product of any social or school system. They are a product of a toxic mix of genes. One of their features is an impressive ability to manipulate, and they’ll use that to control their gang of gullible, aggrieved kids. They’ll use it to fool social workers and benefits staff too. They are not stupid. They are totally lacking in conscience, but well supplied with brains. There is no social reason for their behaviour. It’s hard-wired.

One that might fit this description has come to light in Norwich. I visited Norwich once by accident when I fell asleep on a train in the seventies. I was there from about 1 am to 6 am and my enduring memory of the place was that they would not allow me to wait inside the station. I had to shiver outside. Funnily enough, I’ve never been back.

This one used to be in a gang. The other kids in the gang grew out of it and moved on to real life. This one didn’t. Now he brings in like-minded vicious thugs and those he can manipulate to form a new gang. He will continue to do this for the rest of his life because it’s what he does.

The Righteous seek homogeneity. They always have and always will. Multiculturalism means we should all celebrate the same approved festivals whether we believe in them or not. Nobody should smoke. Everyone should have the same waist size. Nobody should drink more than a glass of wine a month. We must all behave the same because the Righteous want us all the same. Much easier to control us once those pesky differences have been deleted.

This makes them blind to genetics. There are differences. Some are born to grow big and strong. Some are born to be scrawny. Some are born with bits missing. Some are born to be intelligent. Those differences are vital to society because while we do need some researchers and innovators, we need those menial jobs done too. They are just as important. Tills need someone to operate them, sewers need maintenance, streets must be swept and nobody will do it if everyone believes they should be running a multinational company. The Righteous insist that everyone is the same when it is obvious to anyone with sense that we are not.

So when one of these seriously bad kids show up, the Righteous cannot accept that this is his natural way. That discipline might help, and if not, it’s a life in and out of prison for this one. No, they say this:

… Superintendent Nick Dean, who heads up policing for the Norwich area, said although he could not comment on the exact case, rather than criminalise children in such situations they were keen to work with young offenders.

He added: “It's easy to charge them and put them to court but we need to try to understand why they did it.

“We need to work with them.”


They need to understand. Not punish. Not discipline. Understand and work with them. Well, understand this, Righteous. The sociopath is not brain damaged. He is usually of higher than average intelligence. You say you won’t punish him and what do you think he does? You say you want to understand him and he’ll spin you a story made of exactly what he knows you want to hear. You are putty in his hands. You won’t be working with him. He’ll be pulling your strings. He will claim his victims started it and you will believe him, and he will carry on doing what he does with your support.

Stop trying to understand the incomprehensible. Whack the little bugger and give him limits, and make clear what will happen when he crosses them. That might, just might, give him a chance to develop into a useful member of society.

Otherwise, Norwich had better read up on the Kray twins and get ready to see it all again.

The Righteous are no match for sociopaths. Like the Righteous, they have no thought for others, but unlike them, they are very clever indeed.

Many thanks Dave and Leg Iron. Christ, where did half a bottle of Jamesons go?

Seasonal Festivities 2



hat tip to JD

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Petrol Stations to be made INVISIBLE


Evil bastards, killling the planet


Following the ban on cigarettes being shown in public, despite the huge tax yield, the Gummint have decided that due to 4x4 drivers filling up with carbon killing petrol, Petrol stations should also be hidden. To protect children. And stuff.

CUNTS. FUCK OFF

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

You should be so lucky



I’m lucky. I’m not going to lose my job. I’m not skint. I’m not in debt.

Let me explain. OH is a Libertarian which means no fucker tells me what to do. I’ve had more jobs than Tommy Doherty and been fired from most of them because I tell the boss when he’s a cunt that he’s a cunt. So OH now works for himself. Not luck. I take the risk that if I don’t do my job properly, I’ll starve.

My job involves speaking another language. I wasn’t born that way, I learned other languages. The hard way. I went and lived there. I made awful mistakes, embarrassed myself a million times and now speak three European languages fluently. So I can talk to clients who don’t speak English and more importantly, do business with them.

I’m not skint because I invoice in Euros. I won’t deal with UK companies because they don’t pay me on time, try to reduce my margins at every turn and threaten to use someone else every week. Fuck them. Learn some manners, you cunts.

I’m not in debt because I pay my bills. End of.

I’ve actually taken to extending credit terms to my customers from 30 days to 90 days because I’m making money on the pound plummeting . Seriously. By the time the invoice gets paid, I see a real increase in the money that arrives.

Here’s a bit of fun. Ask your HR department to pay you in Euros, not pounds. Tell them you prefer to be paid in Euros because the pound, like the Zimbabwean Dollar is in free fall. They must have a Euro account somewhere, so pay me from that. The same amount every month. Thank you. If they say no, your job is under threat anyway. If they say yes, you know you add value to your company, so ask for a pay rise.

Most of my customers are in Germany. They pay the bill, don’t haggle, accept my service with a smile and are grateful. They understand business. They understand that my cost is a long term investment and I understand that I need to deliver for years to come. They’re happy and I’m happy.

Germany took on a bankrupt country 18 years ago. They borrowed heavily to bring it up to their exacting standards and now East Germany is as productive as West Germany. People are no longer paid to sit on their arses all day and no one has a job for life. I don’t think any other country in the EU could have done it. The Germans did. So when they turn to Gordon and tell him he’s a complete cunt, I’m listening. And today, they did.


You cannot spend your way out of debt. CHRIST, this is so fundamental, it amazes me to say it. So I’ll do it again. You cannot spend your way out of debt.

Ah, that’s better

Now, if you think we can, I need to point you to this


Michael Saunders from CitiGroup has calculated ‘external debt’ – ie, what Britain owes the rest of the world. It is not 40% but 400% of GDP, the highest in the G7 by some margin. The next down, France, is 176%. America, flagellating itself for blowing such a debt bubble, is just 100%. Japan is about half America. The below graph shows ‘external debt’ – both in mid-2008, and five years ago.




Narrow it down to short-term debt, ie IOUs that have to be paid back within a year, and the picture grows even bleaker. It adds up to 300% of GDP – six times that of France whose loans are long-term. Saunders says, with some understatement, that this makes “the UK economy and financial system highly vulnerable when, as now, global banking and capital flows dries up.”



Here is the picture, narrowed down to short- term debt (ie, due by next Christmas).



I believe that an IMF bailout is highly unlikely. But the highly unlikely has been happening rather a lot lately. There is a fairly clear apocalypse scenario emerging: that Britain becomes reliant on new borrowing, that the Arabs/Chinese get sick of buying IOU notes in devaluing sterling, and refuse to buy more debt at anything other than loan shark rates. Then Britain has to go to the IMF. For a country with as much short-term debt requirements as Britain, there is nothing fantastical about this.



Financing Britain is an issue. Our creditors will be looking at Britain with its 400% debt/GDP ratio and ask how this island country with its mammoth trade deficit is going to pay the money back, especially if its Prime Minister prescribes more debt as the solution.



But this crisis has taught us to pay heed to the highly unlikely, to watch out for the Black Swans. It could come in the form of UK banks being unable to raise capital from the markets, from liquidity issues in UK gilts, whatever.



The UK is fucked. Beyond fucked. Beyond Iceland fucked.



Except I’m not…..but you lot are. DO SOMETHING.

Gordon Brown Saves the WORLD



What a fucking looney. He is officially "Dagenham" (three stops past Barking)

One Law for ALL




I was listening to women's hour this morning (don't ask) and heard a rather interesting discussion by some rag head or other who is demanding that Sharia courts have autonomy in the UK. After I went into the garden to retrieve the fucking radio (yet again), I did a bit of research.

Basically, a campaign has started to tell various religious fucknuggets of all sky pixy persuasion that they either live by English Law or they can fuck off. I support that campaign.




Maryam Namazie writes on the One Law for All campaign against Sharia law. This needs a bigger audience, so I will reproduce her post here.

The One Law for All campaign against Sharia law in Britain is to be launched at the House of Lords on International Human Rights Day, December 10, 2008 from 4:00 to 5:00pm.

Even in civil matters, Sharia law is discriminatory, unfair and unjust, particularly against women and children. Moreover, its voluntary nature is a sham; many women will be pressured into going to these courts and abiding by their decisions. These courts are a quick and cheap route to injustice and do nothing to promote minority rights and social cohesion. Public interest, particularly with regard to women and children, requires an end to Sharia and all other faith-based courts and tribunals.

The campaign calls on the UK government to recognise that Sharia law is arbitrary and discriminatory and for an end to Sharia courts and all religious tribunals on the basis that they work against and not for equality and human rights.

The campaign also calls for the Arbitration Act 1996 to be amended so that all religious tribunals are banned from operating within and outside of the legal system.

In the words of the Campaign Declaration: ‘Rights, justice, inclusion, equality and respect are for people, not beliefs. In a civil society, people must have full citizenship rights and equality under the law. Clearly, Sharia law contravenes fundamental human rights. In order to safeguard the rights and freedoms of all those living in Britain, there must be one secular law for all and no Sharia.’

Roy Brown, immediate past president of the International Humanist and Ethical Union said, “IHEU is lending its full support to this campaign. It is intolerable that the very values on which UK society is based - human rights, equality and the rule of law - are being undermined by the quiet and insidious application of systems of law that have no basis in equality or justice.”
Terry Sanderson, president of the National Secular Society, which is also supporting the One Law for All campaign, said: “It is a grave error for the authorities in this country to give credence to Sharia in any form – whether legally or in terms of informal arbitration. When women are being subjected to violence in their marriages, it is not acceptable for religious authorities – which are, by definition, misogynistic – to arbitrate. A two-tier legal system, with women’s rights being always secondary to religious demands, is unnecessary, undesirable and ultimately unjust.”

One Law for All



Campaign against Sharia law in Britain





Declaration
We, the undersigned individuals and organisations, call on the UK government to bring an end to the use and institutionalisation of Sharia and all religious laws and to guarantee equal citizenship rights for all.

Sharia Councils and Muslim Arbitration




Tribunals are discriminatory, particularly against women and children, and in violation of universal human rights.
Sharia law is unfair and unjust in civil matters
Proponents argue that the implementation of Sharia is justified when limited to civil matters, such as child custody, divorce and inheritance. In fact, it is civil matters that are one of the main cornerstones of the subjugation of and discrimination against women and children. Under Sharia law a woman’s testimony is worth half that of a man’s; a woman’s marriage contract is between her male guardian and her husband. A man can have four wives and divorce his wife by simple repudiation, whereas a woman must give reasons, some of which are extremely difficult to prove. Child custody reverts to the father at a preset age, even if the father is abusive; women who remarry lose custody of their children; and sons are entitled to inherit twice the share of daughters.




The voluntary nature of Sharia courts is a sham



Proponents argue that those who choose to make use of Sharia courts and tribunals do so voluntarily and that according to the Arbitration Act parties are free to agree upon how their disputes are resolved. In reality, many of those dealt with by Sharia courts are from the most marginalised segments of society with little or no knowledge of their rights under British law. Many, particularly women, are pressured into going to these courts and abiding by their decisions. More importantly, those who fail to make use of Sharia law or seek to opt out will be made to feel guilty and can be treated as apostates and outcasts. Even if completely voluntary, which is untrue, the discriminatory nature of the courts would be sufficient reason to bring an end to their use and implementation.




Sharia law is a quick and cheap way to injustice




Proponents argue that Sharia courts are an alternative method of dispute resolution and curb legal aid costs. When it comes to people’s rights, however, cuts in costs and speed can only bring about serious miscarriages of justice. Many of the laws that Sharia courts and religious tribunals aim to avoid have been fought for over centuries in order to improve the rights of those most in need of protection in society.
Sharia law doesn’t promote minority rights and social cohesion
Proponents argue that the right to be governed by Sharia law is necessary to defend minority rights. Having the right to religion or atheism, however, is not the same as having the ‘right’ to be governed by religious laws. This is merely a prescription for discrimination, inequality and culturally relative rights. Rather than defending rights, it discriminates and sets up different and separate systems, standards and norms
for ‘different’ people. It reinforces the fragmentation of society, and leaves large numbers of people, particularly women and children, at the mercy of elders and imams. It increases marginalisation and the further segregation of immigrant communities. It ensures that immigrants and new arrivals remain forever minorities and never equal citizens.




One law for all




Whilst arbitration tribunals are part of British law, they are subject to such safeguards as are necessary in the public interest. Clearly, public interest, and particularly the interests of women and children, requires an end to Sharia and all faith-based courts and tribunals.
Rights, justice, inclusion, equality and respect are for people, not beliefs. In a civil society, people must have full citizenship rights and equality under the law. Clearly, Sharia law contravenes fundamental human rights. In order to safeguard the rights and freedoms of all those living in Britain, there must be one secular law for all and no Sharia.



Petition



We call on the UK government to recognise that Sharia and all religious laws are arbitrary and discriminatory against women and children in particular. Citizenship and human rights are non-negotiable.
We demand an end to all Sharia courts and religious tribunals on the basis that they work against and not for equality and human rights.
We demand that theArbitration Act 1996 be amended so that all religious tribunals are banned from operating within and outside of the legal system.







If you fancy an afternoon out at the House of Lords, perhaps flicking bogies at Mandlebum, you can get an invite.

To RSVP to attend the launch or for more information, please contact Maryam Namazie, email, telephone: 07719166731;

Just so that people can't accuse me of being a racist or Muslim baiter, I would like to add that it goes for the fucking North London Yids as well. Oy Vey!

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Lapland shit, say spoilt kids



Hundreds of spoilt children today complained that Lapland is “fucking shit, innit” after their parents transferred their credit card debts to another card (0% for 6 months) and booked one day fantasy flights to some place in the Arctic Circle.

9 year Chlamidya from Maidstone said “what utter cack. It’s bastard freezing here. None of the reindeer can actually fly and that bearded cunt smells of vodka. Most of the elves are taller than me.”

Outside, a bleak landscape greeted the heartbroken youngsters. Fir trees, snow drifts and no McDonalds made what was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime into a nightmare for parents

“It’s a nightmare” said a parent.

“I mean, we spent loads. The last thing I want to see is little Euphrates shivering in minus 20 temperatures. They should build a dome over it and heat it up a bit. Like the Eden Project thing. The food was shit too. Loganberry juice and reindeer stew may be what the locals eat, but if you come this far, you want to see gingerbread houses made out of real gingerbread for the kids to eat” said Barry Duckfucker, a lorry driver from Hastings. “And the bastards speak funny. Even Santa is a fucking foreigner. They all drive 4X4’s, Volvos and skimobiles, not proper fucking sledges with bells and stuff. We did like the Sauna though and have made some great friends with people from Wolverhampton in there, but you can hardly expect the kids to enjoy girl on girl sweaty action, can you? We had to leave them outside throwing snow at each other and building snowmen. That's not entertainment is it?”



Disgruntled parents moaning in a sauna, yesterday, whilst their children were forced to stay outside.

The Lapland Tourist Authority has apologised over the farce, simply stating in a robot like voice “This is Lapland. It’s cold, bleak and dark most of the year. If you want fucking Disneyland, go to Paris. Idiots” spokesman Maarti Upsevodka said before snuggling down in his hibernation bed until April. "All they do is shag anyway”, he added.

Nativity Play


Pupil One: Do you hear what we 'erd, right, there's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin.
Pupil two: Wossat then? A train?
Pupil three: She's not married or nuffink. But she's got this boyfriend Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. May lives with him in a crib down Nazaref. Well anyways, one day right Mary meets this bloke Gabriel right.
Pupil two: Gabriel? What sorta name's that den?
Pupil one: Dunno, sounds Chavvy to me.
Pupil two: Innit! Bruv.
Pupil three: She's like 'Ooo ya looking at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.
Pupil two: Innit?
Pupil one: She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
Pupil two: Yeah right! Bet she was a right goer.
Pupil three: Well, see the thing is she hadn't bin wiv no-one. Honest! So Mary goes and sees her cousing Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary. I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed.
Pupil two: Think of all the extra benefits an' that that they are gonna get. Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right.
Pupil one: Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey an' go dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
Pupil two: No surprised, I'd wanna pint an all.
Pupil one: Nah, to have her bay-bee an' that.
Pupil two: What, have the kid in the pub? That's outers, people in the pub having a quiet pint then in comes this bird screaming and hollering 'n stuff. Put me off me drink that would!
Pupil three: Shut up will ya! See the fing is there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Pupil two: On that's gross, near turned my guts that as!
Pupil three: Well then, these free geezers turn up, looking proper bling wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like 'Respect, baby-bee Jesus,' an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Pupil two: What Minty and the Mitchell brothers?
Pupil one: On shut up! Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, and Burberry?'
Pupil two: On yeah, that's proper stuff to give to a kid.
Pupil three: Well. Then blow me, some Welsh bloke's turn up wiv a sheep, well it's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sex he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
Pupil two: Shoulda used his mobile, he sounds a proper nutter.
Pupil three: Shut it! Anyways he's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin' all the baby-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.
Pupil one: Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' down Egypt on a minging donkey.'
Pupil two: Wouldn't get me on no minging donkey. Went on one at Margate in the summer, it proper stunk.
Pupil one: Will you give it a rest? Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go down Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
Pupil two: Wicked! Wherdya hear about all this den?
Pupil one: Dunno, can't remember.
Pupil two: Well what yous getting for Christmas this year?
Pupil three: Dunno, perhaps a bita bling. I don't see wat all the fuss is about Christmas, it's just an excuse to get stuffed and fall asleep in front of the telly innit?
Pupil two: Yeah bruv. Innit?




Not a Joke, the real thing

M'Learned Friends


Alex Hilton is in a right state. He’s being sued for something someone wrote on his blog and has a massive legal bill he can’t pay.

This is interesting, I thought, as I have numerous moonbats and fruitcakes wandering in without wiping their feet properly and I don’t pre moderate comments. So where do I stand if one of Dolly’s anonyboys writes that the Conservative MP for Fulchester likes to suck off choirboys?

I’ve done some research.

Now the Right Honourable Gentleman could certainly try and sue me. He’d have to prove that I sanctioned its publication though and I didn’t, because I don’t premoderate. I’d certainly remove it if it weren’t true after it was brought to my attention of course. I do try and read all the comments on my blog for this reason.

So what does the law say?


“Under the Defamation Act 1996, a website host will have a defence to a claimfor libel if he can show that (i) he was not the author, editor or publisher of the statement complained of, (ii) he took reasonable care in relation to its publication, and (iii) he did not know and had no reason to believe that what he did caused or contributed to the publication of the defamatory statement. The defence under the E-commerce Regulations is expressed in similar terms.

I don’t publish comments, Blogger does. The author of those comments does.

I see an important argument being that if someone sprays “Gordon is a cock” up your garage wall, you would remove it but you are not liable for libel merely by the fact you have a garage wall.


In fact, if you pre moderate your comments, you are in greater danger of being sued, because you are acting as an editor. Take note Kerry.


PS Gordon really is a HUGE COCK

Monday, 8 December 2008

Festive Season 1

By request from the Beast of Clerkenwell, who once appeared sitting on Jimmy's hand



Baby Mohammed

I would like all my readers to meet a new pet of mine. OH already has three chickens currently wrecking the grounds of Farqham Hall and he quite likes supporting British entrepreneurship, so I am adopting a baby pig from those wonderful people at http://www.eatbabe.co.uk/.


They have a great business model, in that you pick a plump piglet, they look after it, pamper it stupid, it send you emails and photos and in six months you get to eat the fucker, delivered to your door.


Meet Mohammed (peace and apple sauce be upon him in six months time)

Send your fatwahs to oldhoborn@gmail.com

PS Could someone let vegan Kerry McCarthy know?

Monday Morning Lifestyle Quiz


Ruthlessly lifted from the excellent nightjack blog


1. Do you look upon cola and crisps as

a) Snack stuff. But I worry about my weight.

b) Some of the devil foods produced by the global capitalist conspiracy to keep the noble poor down.

c) Little Tasha’s tea


2. In the evening do you

a) Eat a meal with friends or family, take the dog for a walk, watch the news that sort of stuff

b) Chair meetings at the local branch of Concerned Activists From Somewhere Else Against Stuff

c) Park yourself on the sofa watching Sky on the 52″ plasma screen, chugging tins of lager and smoking industrial quantities of weed whilst the kids play Nintendo and have banging tunes hammering out of every window until 2am every night.


3. How do you get on with recycling

a) I try to get it in all sorted into the coloured bins but sometimes I fail. Sometimes I worry this will get me prosecuted.

b) I demand that the local supermarket accepts all the wasteful packaging that they wrap around their unfair trade produce. There is no waste at our house. I live on bruised fruit and lentils.

c) I stick it all in the garden innit, all ov it. Once the weeds get high enough, who’s gonna notice.


4. Why did you have children

a) We love each other, we have a good relationship, that’s what couples do.

b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own.

c) Well Tiffany, she got me first flat, then Charmaine well it was just a fling like but you know. Havin little Martyn got me the house and what wiv them all having ADHD and asthma I can’t afford to go to do no work. I’m disabled anyway, I can’t go outside. What is it? errrm errrrm claustrophobia or summit. I luv mi kids me.

5. How is your reading

a) I can read this. I can read most things. However I can’t read the papers these days without getting angry.

b) I can’t believe I am reading this right wing fascist drivel. Where do I go to complain. Oh and you’re also racist and sexist.

c) This is being read to me by one of me Social Workers. I never needed to learn nuffin and anyway school woz a waste of me time. I get paid my wages off the soshe anyway. There is an entitlement officer to help me with the paperwork. Working is for mugs. I claim everything. That’s my right. You got no right to judge me. Only god can judge me so you cant. It sez. Really.


6. What sort of car do you drive

a) Just a car, nothing special. Sometimes I worry that I’ll get speeding points for doing 34 in a 30 zone. I have 3 points already.

b) I don’t drive. Drivers are killing Gaia. I walk, cycle or take public transport everywhere except when I am off to the villa in Tuscany when I fly.

c) I take taxis me, everywhere, all the time. Its my right as well. On my kids lives.


7. What sort of house do you live in

a) Just a house, you know. Sometimes I worry about paying the mortgage. We both work. Maybe I need to get a second job.

b) I have a nice flat in Islington and of course the summer home in Tuscany.

c) Its a 4 bedroomed council house but they have to knock through to next door now to make it bigger cos now my Tiffany is pregnant again. Its amazing being a Grandma at my age. I’m shaggin Tiff’s ex boyfreind but don’t tell her.


8. How much do you care about things

a) Well, you know, there are some things I really care about. Other stuff I’m not really bothered.

b) I am deeply committed to obtaining and keeping our three star excellence in child care provision and I eagerly await the next Ofsted audit. Everything in my caring job is on an ever ascending and shining path of newer, better and cheaper.

c) Care? Care? wossat, u takin mi kids in2 care. Noway u slag. Geddout of mi howse b4 i kill you. I love mi kids.


9. How did you name your children

a) You know, family names, names we both liked.

b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own. I do have a nephew called Martin.

c) Got some kewl namez owt ov Heat and watchin Jeremy Kyle on Sky.


10. Do you have pets?

a) Yes, a dog, a cat that sort of things.

b) No. So called pet animals are just another form of slavery. Let the animals be free.

c) Meet Tyson. Nah don’t pet him, he proper ripped up my Health Visitor last week hahahaha


11. What are your ambitions for your children?

a) Just, you know, for them to be happy.

b) Look, for the third time, I have made the lifestyle choice not to have children. My nephew Martin should grow up to be a Human Rights Lawyer and fight injustice and oppression

c) For them to be famous and rich and all that. Celebs. Or lottery winners. Or maybe models or summit.


12. How do you feel about the police?

a) I want to believe they are there to preserve life and the peace, catch criminals and investigate crime. The way things are, I’m not so sure.

b) Fascist bully boys. They actually cause all the problems by picking on people with challenging lifestyles. What the world really needs is more interventions from social workers.

c) Bizzies. Not a problem. No comment. My brief gets me off and if not, its a community punishment or a fine out of my soshe hahahahaha


Mostly a) You are decent folk. You need to read
this survival guide
Mostly b) You are a social worker. Get a proper job.
Mostly c) You are Evil Poor. You should know that people are getting fed up of paying for you.

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