Tuesday, 2 December 2008


"So you like the sketch then?"

The Author of this post is The Ranting Penguin

You just couldn't make it up.

The more that emerges into the real world, the more incredible it becomes.The government are embarrassed by a series of leaks over Home Office imcompetence and cover-ups. Gordon McCavity McBroon throws a Nokia at Jacqui Spliff, and his chief of staff at the Cabinet Office and the head honcho at the Home Office decide that they are too fucking incompetent to find the leaker themselves and call in Knacker of the Yard.

Now, some might say alarm bells should have started ringing at this point. After all, the Met is riven with it's own soap opera of incompetence and cover-up, with the political lightweight Sir (what a joke that is) Ian Bliar forced out by Boris and the infighting to be appointed next Commissar just about drowning out the stench of sundry aggrieved ethnic officers going tribunal mainly with a corrupt solicitor who has a criminal record of his very own and a law qualification bought mail-order from a Post Office Box in Hawaii.
However, Knacker of the Yard delegates this juicy investigation to Special Branch, now called the Anti Terroist Command. Nice macho title, that. And they don't have too much difficulty finding the culprit, after all, he stood as a conservative for election to some council or other, kind of points him out as a likely prospect.
Then, after a nice long delay, and sundry touching base with the Serjeant at Arms and the Speaker's Orifice, but carefully not informing the Home Secretary who has responsibility for police matters in the UK, Knacker unleashes 22 or so anti terrorist police to raid 4 locations and arrest a Privy Councillor, Shadow Spokesman on Immigration, Damien Green. He is held for 7 hours before being interviewed, when it is suggested to him that he has been "grooming" the civil servant, a nice use of language I don't think. Then after 9 hours he is released without charge.Protestations by Jacqui and by spokesweasels for McBroon about not being informed look extremely fishy and stink like rotting prawns considering that Knacker told Cameron and Boris. But no surprise there.
The Speaker's Orifice tells enquirers that a procedure was followed, but this glosses over the worse abuse of Parliament's independence from the executive and authority to call the executive to account since Charles 1st tried to arrest some irriating MPs. Spliff and McBroon seemoblivious to this. However, seeing a chance to do Spliff down and raise her own standing with Labour MP's in the hope that the blokes in the white coats will soon be along to take McBroon into "protective custody", Harriet Harpyperson tells of her concern.
Whilst setting up a private Labour Only meeting with the Speaker's rep and the SaA to sort out an alibi. Only being truly inept, they send the e-mail to the conservatives as well.
In the meantime, Knacker of the Yard is surprised at the shit storm that his heavy-handed plods have caused, and is desperate to cover his expensively tailored uniformed arse. So, he calls on a completely independent senior Policeman, Knacker of the Railways Plod, to bail him out and provide an excuse for getting out from under. Completely independent, of course, except they are best mates, probably masons, and shareholders and office holders in a private limited company called ACPO Ltd. So no conflict of interest there, nothing to see, move along now.
Where the fuck is Brian Rix, and will he hurry up and drop his trousers?


Anonymous said...

Cameron needs to go & find himself some balls (with a lower case 'b') & create merry hell. Niceness is never going to win against these Liebore scum, nor is 'decency' nor 'honourable' nor 'personal integrity'. To most of NuLabour & their supporters these words are as inintelligable as a foreign language. A hefty kick in the scrotum (accidental, of course), a 2x4 (or police baton) across the back of the head, completely false charges reported to Mr Plod, lies, bare faced lies & more lies spread across the media, these are the only tactics Labour use & can understand. Until Cameron descends to their level & forgets the Queensberry rules, he'll be on the back foot. Sad but true.

TheFatBigot said...

If you were Brian Rix would you drop your trousers in the presence of the Brown one?

Rogerborg said...

>Ian Johnston, chief constable of the British Transport Police

Should we start calling him Sir Ian now, or is it polite to wait for the whitewash to dry?

The Penguin said...

May I just say how honoured delighted and chuffed I am to be guesting on OLd Holborn's sacred turf?

Seriously, it's made my day.

The Penguin

PS TFB - I'd prefer to drop the Brown one, preferably with a stout cudgel.

Gareth said...

I found a jolly website last night.


It catalogues allsorts of sleaze and incompetence that I had forgotten about.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Doesnt Mr Rix campaign on behalf of the mentaly disadvantaged?

Stop Common Purpose said...


Leg-iron said...

An excellent summary, and all too accurate.

If Cameron doesn't take advantage of this I'm going to start thinking he's in on it.

David said...

Why aren't the other parties all over this The Prime Mentalist:

Pick any permutation from:

* They are scared of being banged up
* They are lazy bastards who want a quiet life
* They are all as bad as one another and won't stand up to close scrutiny

Anonymous said...

Look, it's not complicated, this government and the next one will look after the interests of the top 5%, don't complain, take some positive action, otherwise the butt fucking will feel the same despite the fact a different person is doing the pumping.

Shirking From Home said...

What a fucking bunch of arse. This country is being run by utter cunts.

curly15 said...

Be careful what you wish for, she's a dangerous woman!

Geoff's mum said...

Anyone seen Geoff?

ugly bastard who likes a fight said...

I would say that this summing up is about as accurate as can be found in the media.

On a different note, your poll "Life is Shite in the UK"... could you add a fourth option... namely "I don't run, so I'm in serious training, have purchased a crossbow with 200lb draw, a pack of aggressive dogs, and have buried my gold in the garden"?

Shirking From Home said...

(ot but...) Read and weep.

Dick the Prick said...

Shirking - any sense of potential compassion evaporated when the bitch said "I wanted to be in the army but couldn't be fucking arsed to go to the recruitment office!"

And whaddya know, she's agorophobic. I'm scumophobic - can I get compo if I kill the cunts?

The Penguin said...

Looks to me like Brian Rix has found a new mental case to try and help.

The Penguin

Cato said...

Don't want to spoil your day OH, but I don't think Green is a Privy Councillor.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

British Transport Police, isn't that where you go when no other Police Force ( sorry, Service ) will have you ?

Mac the Knife said...

"Knacker of the Railways Plod",

Shouldn't that be Knacker the Tank Engine?

Roctopus said...


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