Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Nativity Play

Pupil One: Do you hear what we 'erd, right, there's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin.
Pupil two: Wossat then? A train?
Pupil three: She's not married or nuffink. But she's got this boyfriend Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. May lives with him in a crib down Nazaref. Well anyways, one day right Mary meets this bloke Gabriel right.
Pupil two: Gabriel? What sorta name's that den?
Pupil one: Dunno, sounds Chavvy to me.
Pupil two: Innit! Bruv.
Pupil three: She's like 'Ooo ya looking at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.
Pupil two: Innit?
Pupil one: She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
Pupil two: Yeah right! Bet she was a right goer.
Pupil three: Well, see the thing is she hadn't bin wiv no-one. Honest! So Mary goes and sees her cousing Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary. I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed.
Pupil two: Think of all the extra benefits an' that that they are gonna get. Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right.
Pupil one: Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey an' go dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
Pupil two: No surprised, I'd wanna pint an all.
Pupil one: Nah, to have her bay-bee an' that.
Pupil two: What, have the kid in the pub? That's outers, people in the pub having a quiet pint then in comes this bird screaming and hollering 'n stuff. Put me off me drink that would!
Pupil three: Shut up will ya! See the fing is there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Pupil two: On that's gross, near turned my guts that as!
Pupil three: Well then, these free geezers turn up, looking proper bling wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like 'Respect, baby-bee Jesus,' an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Pupil two: What Minty and the Mitchell brothers?
Pupil one: On shut up! Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, and Burberry?'
Pupil two: On yeah, that's proper stuff to give to a kid.
Pupil three: Well. Then blow me, some Welsh bloke's turn up wiv a sheep, well it's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sex he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
Pupil two: Shoulda used his mobile, he sounds a proper nutter.
Pupil three: Shut it! Anyways he's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin' all the baby-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.
Pupil one: Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' down Egypt on a minging donkey.'
Pupil two: Wouldn't get me on no minging donkey. Went on one at Margate in the summer, it proper stunk.
Pupil one: Will you give it a rest? Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go down Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
Pupil two: Wicked! Wherdya hear about all this den?
Pupil one: Dunno, can't remember.
Pupil two: Well what yous getting for Christmas this year?
Pupil three: Dunno, perhaps a bita bling. I don't see wat all the fuss is about Christmas, it's just an excuse to get stuffed and fall asleep in front of the telly innit?
Pupil two: Yeah bruv. Innit?

Not a Joke, the real thing


Ampers said...

These kids can't be from my neck of the woods, (lunnon) they see too intelligent!

microdave said...

In order to engage the youth of today, you have to speak their language, innit, like.

F***ing unbelievable....

Shirking From Home said...

This is disgraceful. I am offended that you should make light of the Feast of Christmas. A hundred plagues in your smoking chamber and a fatwa on you for good measure.

man in the street said...

St Kerry of Bristol didn't publish my comment. No worries. If it's merely asinine comments she wishes to post her blog will suffer. Visitor porn stats will nosedive.

What else should I expect from ZanuLab though. It's all about control, censorship, their expenses and fuck all else.

Chris said...

Drama/Theatre Studies: long has it been a vacuous and reprobate subject in need of a good clip 'round the lug.

Henry Crun said...

Don't know what some of you are getting your knickers in a twist about. Go read it again, especially the punch-line and it's pretty damn good parody.

Kind of reminds me of returning to London by train from Lewisham sat opposite three young chavettes late 1999. The were looking through the Metro and one commented that the Archbishop of Canterbury would be making a speech opening the Millennium celebrations. To which one replied: "What do they want to go brining religion into it for?"

formertory said...

It reads to me like an attempt at humour. Romans go home in reverse......


And if it teaches some kids how stupid chavs are and gives them a reason not to be like that, fine. If it really was 14 year-olds who wrote it, and they've already learned that chavs have humour value just because of their ignorance, there's hope for the writers at least.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Fucking hell
I thought I had time to waste.
Get a proper job OH you shirking cunt!

Anonymous said...

Bloody great! Much better than the original piece of fiction.

Guthrum said...

Education, Educashun,eadjewcashun innit- I give up !

K.McEgan said...

Babylon corrupt mi people!As my gay Paraguayan pal said "Inside every small white man there is a big black man waiting to get out!"

JPT said...

Here I go again defending the chavs!
I know that they are scumbags - but it's the fucking Labour party that has created these monsters!
A whole class and generation of our people are turning into shit and it's an absolutely shameful fucking scandal!!

it's either banned or compulsory said...

who wudda shagged mary ? she is well munted an' that joe, 'im de battyman, guy.

Shackleford Hurtmore said...

I very much enjoyed that.

Merry Xmas everyone. Actually, now everyone wants a Wii instead of an Xbox, should that be "Merry WiiMas"?

Chalcedon said...

I thought it was funny. Nearly as funny as the the 3 chavettes in Henry Crun's post.

ruby ruby ruby said...

What has happened to the East end and 'sarf' London accents,
The chavlings along with their parent chavs with their innits and dissin, like some fucking rappers, Catherine Tate's Lauren is a good example
What the fuck has happened to the original cockney accent,
And why did Cookes pie'n'mash shop in Dalston, fucking close
I am glad I got out of the London when I did, especially the east end and glad to say my kids dont speak chavvish

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