Monday, 8 December 2008

Monday Morning Lifestyle Quiz

Ruthlessly lifted from the excellent nightjack blog

1. Do you look upon cola and crisps as

a) Snack stuff. But I worry about my weight.

b) Some of the devil foods produced by the global capitalist conspiracy to keep the noble poor down.

c) Little Tasha’s tea

2. In the evening do you

a) Eat a meal with friends or family, take the dog for a walk, watch the news that sort of stuff

b) Chair meetings at the local branch of Concerned Activists From Somewhere Else Against Stuff

c) Park yourself on the sofa watching Sky on the 52″ plasma screen, chugging tins of lager and smoking industrial quantities of weed whilst the kids play Nintendo and have banging tunes hammering out of every window until 2am every night.

3. How do you get on with recycling

a) I try to get it in all sorted into the coloured bins but sometimes I fail. Sometimes I worry this will get me prosecuted.

b) I demand that the local supermarket accepts all the wasteful packaging that they wrap around their unfair trade produce. There is no waste at our house. I live on bruised fruit and lentils.

c) I stick it all in the garden innit, all ov it. Once the weeds get high enough, who’s gonna notice.

4. Why did you have children

a) We love each other, we have a good relationship, that’s what couples do.

b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own.

c) Well Tiffany, she got me first flat, then Charmaine well it was just a fling like but you know. Havin little Martyn got me the house and what wiv them all having ADHD and asthma I can’t afford to go to do no work. I’m disabled anyway, I can’t go outside. What is it? errrm errrrm claustrophobia or summit. I luv mi kids me.

5. How is your reading

a) I can read this. I can read most things. However I can’t read the papers these days without getting angry.

b) I can’t believe I am reading this right wing fascist drivel. Where do I go to complain. Oh and you’re also racist and sexist.

c) This is being read to me by one of me Social Workers. I never needed to learn nuffin and anyway school woz a waste of me time. I get paid my wages off the soshe anyway. There is an entitlement officer to help me with the paperwork. Working is for mugs. I claim everything. That’s my right. You got no right to judge me. Only god can judge me so you cant. It sez. Really.

6. What sort of car do you drive

a) Just a car, nothing special. Sometimes I worry that I’ll get speeding points for doing 34 in a 30 zone. I have 3 points already.

b) I don’t drive. Drivers are killing Gaia. I walk, cycle or take public transport everywhere except when I am off to the villa in Tuscany when I fly.

c) I take taxis me, everywhere, all the time. Its my right as well. On my kids lives.

7. What sort of house do you live in

a) Just a house, you know. Sometimes I worry about paying the mortgage. We both work. Maybe I need to get a second job.

b) I have a nice flat in Islington and of course the summer home in Tuscany.

c) Its a 4 bedroomed council house but they have to knock through to next door now to make it bigger cos now my Tiffany is pregnant again. Its amazing being a Grandma at my age. I’m shaggin Tiff’s ex boyfreind but don’t tell her.

8. How much do you care about things

a) Well, you know, there are some things I really care about. Other stuff I’m not really bothered.

b) I am deeply committed to obtaining and keeping our three star excellence in child care provision and I eagerly await the next Ofsted audit. Everything in my caring job is on an ever ascending and shining path of newer, better and cheaper.

c) Care? Care? wossat, u takin mi kids in2 care. Noway u slag. Geddout of mi howse b4 i kill you. I love mi kids.

9. How did you name your children

a) You know, family names, names we both liked.

b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own. I do have a nephew called Martin.

c) Got some kewl namez owt ov Heat and watchin Jeremy Kyle on Sky.

10. Do you have pets?

a) Yes, a dog, a cat that sort of things.

b) No. So called pet animals are just another form of slavery. Let the animals be free.

c) Meet Tyson. Nah don’t pet him, he proper ripped up my Health Visitor last week hahahaha

11. What are your ambitions for your children?

a) Just, you know, for them to be happy.

b) Look, for the third time, I have made the lifestyle choice not to have children. My nephew Martin should grow up to be a Human Rights Lawyer and fight injustice and oppression

c) For them to be famous and rich and all that. Celebs. Or lottery winners. Or maybe models or summit.

12. How do you feel about the police?

a) I want to believe they are there to preserve life and the peace, catch criminals and investigate crime. The way things are, I’m not so sure.

b) Fascist bully boys. They actually cause all the problems by picking on people with challenging lifestyles. What the world really needs is more interventions from social workers.

c) Bizzies. Not a problem. No comment. My brief gets me off and if not, its a community punishment or a fine out of my soshe hahahahaha

Mostly a) You are decent folk. You need to read
this survival guide
Mostly b) You are a social worker. Get a proper job.
Mostly c) You are Evil Poor. You should know that people are getting fed up of paying for you.


Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Meant to tell you about it when he put it on his blog, but my internet access was fucked. Top quality stuff.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

The little twat in the pram scares me far more than the shaven headed oaf in the red vest.
OH , where did you get my photo from ?
Was it that slag Tuscan Tony?

Ampers said...

I answered "b" to every question, am I welcome here


Anonymous said...

If you asked any of them how they felt about being supported by so much by others they would look at you as if you had suddenly started talking in Greek or had started growing another head. They would be genuinely bewildered, such is their assumption of entitlement.

Yes, they always "luv mi kids", Thats why they bring them up so well no doubt.

David said...

Total class...

The little bloke in the pram looks a bit like my grandson.

I'll get me coat...

Anonymous said...

I hate chavs cos they got an easy life where I have to work hard

I hate Chavs cos they look different to me

I hate chavs cos it makes me feel better to have someone to blame for my life not turning out as well as I expected!

Change Chavs to Jews for the answer to your problems!

mc_nebula said...

humm, not having a car or kids didn't help...

Nor does being at uni, but hey?

I can cycle everywhere and when it is too far to ride (>15 miles) I can get the tube or bus...

Holbourne, since finding your blog, I have been following with interest... I have led a sheltered upbringing (nice, small quiet town in Hampshire), high earning father, mother who doesn't need to work, etc. I have however, had a sense of morals and right and wrong instilled into me from earlier than I can remember. My father smacked me when I was younger. I don't hate him for it, in fact, I thank him. I was never spoilt. I was never bought things just for asking for them. My first big thing I was given outside of birthday and christmas was a gamecube, in year 9. I won an award at school for hard/good work. Anyway, my point is this, I agree with 95% of the stuff you say in this blog. I'm fed up. I'm only 19, but I'm fed up. And it's not just me, it's my flatmates. They hate the welfare state. They hate the fact that we are getting into debt because of tuition fees while scum are claiming benafits...they hate the fact that there are so many immigrants. I'm not really a racist, but immigrants who come for easy money should be shot...

Keep up the good work OH, you are an inspiration to us all. I'm even planning to join the libertarians. I have been reading their manifesto and I agree with most of it...

Old Holborn said...

Nice to see Muslims integrating so well

Scrobs said...

mc_nebula said

"They hate the fact that we are getting into debt because of tuition fees while scum are claiming benefits..."

This is an interesting post OH - hadn't thought of that one at all - and reflects a serious point.

Perhaps there is a worm turning somewhere, I can remember my kids being left with nothing at uni, just when they needed it most.

Rabbi Chaverstein said...

OH the ancillary tag story is disgusting.

And Anon 13.37 - Jews didn't sit at home shagging anything that moved, dropping pizza delivery child 4 to get more benefits, but other than that, fuck off you stupid cunt.

Old Holborn said...

If you are not dependent on the State, the State hates you.

Why do you think the Soviets wouldn't tolerate entrepreneurs? Why does every totalitarian State eventually execute the academics?

27 million of us are now dependent on some form of State benefit. Which is what allows them to tell us to eat up or greens or instruct our children on how to be "happy".

If you want to see an interesting video, CLICKY

Old Holborn said...

Chavism is a choice. Being Jewish isn't.

Anonymous said...

Arse longer, neater crevice.

Damo Mackerel said...

I've added this

13. What are your hopes and dreams?

A. Get some sort of reasonably half decent job to pay the bills, raise the kids, get the missus a fur coat for Christmas and go on the odd holiday.

B. Why to become head of department of one of Nu Labour’s quangos. Where I can come up with all sorts of solutions for global warming to transsexuals ‘uman rights.

C. To appear on the Jeremy Kyle show. Not in the audience mind you but actually as a participant. Can’t wait to see the shock on me ex boyfriends faces when the DNA results are announced.

John Lilburne said...

Like the questionaire. Better than I like this anyway -


JPT said...

Chav Scum?!
Now, I will admit that I and most people I know don't have much time for chavs (to say the very least) BUT...these are the British Working Class.
These are the descendents of the people who fought two world wars and countless other conflicts, the descendents of the people who were the absolute salt of the earth.
The descendents of the people who made this country great (once upon a time).
So when I see chavs it makes me angry.
It makes me angry to see the betrayal of my own people, my own class - betrayed by the poncing Liberal elite who rule and ruin our country.
I look at chavs and despair at what has been done to them/us by people who despise them/us.
The great British working class have been destroyed by crap education, by a great culture replaced by a junk culture and by the welfare state.
The Liberal elite would love them to be replaced by Muslims!
The Marxists have done their deed beautifully.

Nancy's stout said...

Whoa there JPT. There has always been a layer of filth under the decent working class. Feral animals, if you will. Trouble is under Za-nu-labour it appears to have got considerably bigger under a mountain of dodgy credit and false promises.

Nancy's stout said...

Whoa there JPT. There has always been a layer of filth under the decent working class. Feral animals, if you will. Trouble is under Za-nu-labour it appears to have got considerably bigger under a mountain of dodgy credit and false promises.

JPT said...

Agreed, but I think we are being destroyed from within by those that rule us and loath us.
I have no time for chav's etc but can't help but feel that it's them today and us (whoever WE are) tomorrow, if you know what I mean?

Anonymous said...

Stop right there JPT.

These are not the British Working Class, nor their offspring (oh the irony of calling them "Working" class).

These are the spivs and slackers who have found its easier to ponce off the state and procreated with alarming fecundity. Now that there are some many of the miserable breeders they have become a new, separately identifiable "class".

JPT said...

Yes I agree entirely with you, but who has created these people?
I'm not saying that these trailer trash types are the salt of the earth working class - I'm saying that they are the descendents of them who have been ruined ie: turned into the creatures that they undoubtedly are by the Brit despising liberal elite that rule us.
That's all.

Old Holborn said...

646 people created them

I know who they are, where they live and what they do.

Fuck the liberal elite. For every one of them, there are THOUSANDS of us. Stop letting them tell us what to do.

Rogerborg said...

The only thing that they need us to do is to keep giving them half of everything that we produce.

There's always room in prison for tax avoiders.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

My Experience Of Council Services.
I naturally avoid my local council as much as possible but was recently obliged to attend their offices, in person, for the trivial purpose of changing the details on the local parking permit that they require me to have.
The Civic Center is fairly new and the public areas have recently been refubished at vast cost with smooth flowing lines, groovy lighting and lots of computers.
At the Reception Station there are 4 women doing very little headed up by Witch Bitch #1 whose job is to look fierce.
The comfortable seats, about half full, are arranged in semi-circles and I found myself sat near a raggedy woman who was pleading her case to two young Social Workers/Housing Officers. I now know more than I care to about that womans circumstances.

The full colour, large screen elevated monitor told me how many "customers" were waiting for which services.
Housing 1
Social Services 0
Licensing 1
Car Parks 6
Building Control 1
Other 0

There were 15 custmer Service Pods of which 6 were staffed and of those, only half had a " customer" at the desk.
I watched as one young woman dealt with her "customer", then fiddled about slowly on her computer, picked her nails, got up, walked around a bit then sat down again before clicking her mouse for her next.
I could not avoid mouthing "fucking idle bitch" under my breath to the amusement of the raggedy lady.
Witch Bitch #1 was avoiding conflict with a new customer by saying " As you can see, we ARE VERY BUSY in the mornings "
At which I thought, 'no you are not, you're just SLOW'.

My turn came to be processed by a pleasantly incompetent young lady who, upon being given my drivers license for proof of identity, attempted to examine " Endorsements " ( none btw ) until I prevented her from doing so, nosey cow.
She took 27 minutes playing on her computer to change the registration number and issue a new permit and I do not believe that the £12.00 paid ( cash, natch ) covered her salary and overheads.

The point about this ramble is that if I got tired and pissed off over such a small thing as a parking permit imagine how it must be to have these people making decisions about your home and children.
If I were a chav on housing and social benefits I would lie and cheat as much as possible in order to get the most from them.

Damo Mackerel said...

Yes OH, there may be thousands of us but there thousands apon thousands of the liberal leftist in high places put there and paid by us. There's noway these LL are going to allow anyone to derail their gravy train.

The Penguin said...

They get such brilliant role models, gushingly reported by the mainstream media.

The Penguin

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