Ruthlessly lifted from the excellent nightjack blog
1. Do you look upon cola and crisps as
a) Snack stuff. But I worry about my weight.
b) Some of the devil foods produced by the global capitalist conspiracy to keep the noble poor down.
c) Little Tasha’s tea
2. In the evening do you
a) Eat a meal with friends or family, take the dog for a walk, watch the news that sort of stuff
b) Chair meetings at the local branch of Concerned Activists From Somewhere Else Against Stuff
c) Park yourself on the sofa watching Sky on the 52″ plasma screen, chugging tins of lager and smoking industrial quantities of weed whilst the kids play Nintendo and have banging tunes hammering out of every window until 2am every night.
3. How do you get on with recycling
a) I try to get it in all sorted into the coloured bins but sometimes I fail. Sometimes I worry this will get me prosecuted.
b) I demand that the local supermarket accepts all the wasteful packaging that they wrap around their unfair trade produce. There is no waste at our house. I live on bruised fruit and lentils.
c) I stick it all in the garden innit, all ov it. Once the weeds get high enough, who’s gonna notice.
4. Why did you have children
a) We love each other, we have a good relationship, that’s what couples do.
b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own.
c) Well Tiffany, she got me first flat, then Charmaine well it was just a fling like but you know. Havin little Martyn got me the house and what wiv them all having ADHD and asthma I can’t afford to go to do no work. I’m disabled anyway, I can’t go outside. What is it? errrm errrrm claustrophobia or summit. I luv mi kids me.
5. How is your reading
a) I can read this. I can read most things. However I can’t read the papers these days without getting angry.
b) I can’t believe I am reading this right wing fascist drivel. Where do I go to complain. Oh and you’re also racist and sexist.
c) This is being read to me by one of me Social Workers. I never needed to learn nuffin and anyway school woz a waste of me time. I get paid my wages off the soshe anyway. There is an entitlement officer to help me with the paperwork. Working is for mugs. I claim everything. That’s my right. You got no right to judge me. Only god can judge me so you cant. It sez. Really.
6. What sort of car do you drive
a) Just a car, nothing special. Sometimes I worry that I’ll get speeding points for doing 34 in a 30 zone. I have 3 points already.
b) I don’t drive. Drivers are killing Gaia. I walk, cycle or take public transport everywhere except when I am off to the villa in Tuscany when I fly.
c) I take taxis me, everywhere, all the time. Its my right as well. On my kids lives.
7. What sort of house do you live in
a) Just a house, you know. Sometimes I worry about paying the mortgage. We both work. Maybe I need to get a second job.
b) I have a nice flat in Islington and of course the summer home in Tuscany.
c) Its a 4 bedroomed council house but they have to knock through to next door now to make it bigger cos now my Tiffany is pregnant again. Its amazing being a Grandma at my age. I’m shaggin Tiff’s ex boyfreind but don’t tell her.
8. How much do you care about things
a) Well, you know, there are some things I really care about. Other stuff I’m not really bothered.
b) I am deeply committed to obtaining and keeping our three star excellence in child care provision and I eagerly await the next Ofsted audit. Everything in my caring job is on an ever ascending and shining path of newer, better and cheaper.
c) Care? Care? wossat, u takin mi kids in2 care. Noway u slag. Geddout of mi howse b4 i kill you. I love mi kids.
9. How did you name your children
a) You know, family names, names we both liked.
b) Children? Oh I don’t have any of my own. I do have a nephew called Martin.
c) Got some kewl namez owt ov Heat and watchin Jeremy Kyle on Sky.
10. Do you have pets?
a) Yes, a dog, a cat that sort of things.
b) No. So called pet animals are just another form of slavery. Let the animals be free.
c) Meet Tyson. Nah don’t pet him, he proper ripped up my Health Visitor last week hahahaha
11. What are your ambitions for your children?
a) Just, you know, for them to be happy.
b) Look, for the third time, I have made the lifestyle choice not to have children. My nephew Martin should grow up to be a Human Rights Lawyer and fight injustice and oppression
c) For them to be famous and rich and all that. Celebs. Or lottery winners. Or maybe models or summit.
12. How do you feel about the police?
a) I want to believe they are there to preserve life and the peace, catch criminals and investigate crime. The way things are, I’m not so sure.
b) Fascist bully boys. They actually cause all the problems by picking on people with challenging lifestyles. What the world really needs is more interventions from social workers.
c) Bizzies. Not a problem. No comment. My brief gets me off and if not, its a community punishment or a fine out of my soshe hahahahaha
Mostly a) You are decent folk. You need to readthis survival guide
Mostly b) You are a social worker. Get a proper job.
Mostly c) You are Evil Poor. You should know that people are getting fed up of paying for you.