Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Madness and Mayhem




I’m not going out again until it calms down out there.

Wednesday is market day in Braintree and the fish bloke will have oysters and I like oysters. I hadn’t reckoned with every mong in the east of England being out too.

1 Make the fucking baby walk. He’s SEVEN YEARS OLD. He does not need a pushchair, you do not need to meet up with three other “mothers” with pushchairs and gossip about Beckhams arse and block the fucking pavement.



2. Because you ate all the pies is no reason to load your bloated carcass into a motobility scooter, with optional wheezy old dog and block up every thoroughfare. I know you can walk because your shoes are worn out.



3. Control your fucking kids. I too am a parent and my six were put in the cellar days ago and will be released for an hour tomorrow to receive a walnut, a tangerine and a spinning top. Then it’s back to the cellar until school opens again in January. As it should be.



4. Artificial Reindeer antlers are beyond fucking stupid. So is tinsel as a belt around your enormous arse. Stop it.



5. Stop buying shit. I saw a woman come out of Argos with a novelty fairground “grab crane” machine thing. That’ll prove a bag of fun for years to come, I’m sure.



6. You are not homeless. You are Eastern European. Stop saying “Big Issue, Boss” with more gold in your teeth than the Bank of England has in it’s vaults.



7. Just because it is Christmas Eve, it is no reason to go around in gangs with cans of Stella at lunchtime, shrieking like fucking banshees.



8. Stanislav and Dimitris hand car wash has them queuing down the street. I suppose if you are going to visit Dawn and Barry on Boxing day, the last thing you could face is them finding a spot of dust on your 100% financed four year old Audi, is it? Oh, the shame. Never mind that you have just lost your job, have more debt than most of Africa and pass the day popping Prozac to keep the black dog from making you kill your self and can’t think of anything other than suicide.



9. Do you really need your nails done by an elf? On Christmas Eve? Really? Ye fucking Gods



10. It isn’t going to snow. So stop asking.



Bastards

79 comments:

Islander said...

Miserable fucker. Get some Christmas Spirit (preferably down your neck, with a little ice).

Remember, next Christmas Eve, a chainsaw is an excellent pathfinder!

And as to point 3, no piece of coal? Tight git.

Fidothedog said...

Add to that piped fucking Christmas songs played on a shitty stereo at fucking 11 on the volume.

Like we are going to go into a tat shop playing cunting Slade on a fucking loop.

yellowbelly said...

Merry Xmas OH!

R.Broxted said...

I went looking for work in Braintree back in '89 during the Blue Reich.Its me,McEgan,OTR fucking Met have papers out for my unpaid fine.Anti-BNP rally.Fuck em. Truths eternal.There are a finite number of Big Issues one can buy.Finally,re;Wladislaw & Bronek car wash."Psiacrew,sykynsyn,dupa" they will go away.

Goodnight Vienna said...

Merry Christmas OH and gang; thanks for, well, just being you really.

Ampers said...

...pass the day popping Prozac to...

That reminds me, did you know they have combined Prozac with Viagra?

If you don't get a fuck, you won't give a fuck!

Cato said...

That black Santa's looking a bit too cheerful. What did you promise him?

BTW, Merry Christmas.

microdave said...

1) They're women, it's what they do.

2) Am I being "Fatist" if I suggest that many of them wouldn't need mobility scooters if they lost some weight? And don't call me uncaring - I've got a deteriorating hip that's going to need replacing before too long.

3) But that would infringe the little darlings 'human rights.

4) 1 word - "Chav"

5) Yes, but it was "50%" off shit, and we've got to keep spending to buy our way out of the recession - Gordon's said so....

6) Fuck off home.

7) Don't they do this every day?

8) My 21 year old car looks like it's been driven through a field (it has), but it's paid for and legal. So who's going to look the bigger twat when the bailiffs come knocking on your door?

9) Words fail me.

10) It is on here.

And is anyone else having trouble accessing blog sites lately? I know Tiscali are shite, but I don't have any problem with other sites. Are the fuckers being leaned on by Jackboots Jacqui? It's taken me 10 attempts to get to this reply page - repeated "Network Timeout" screens or the occasional blank page.

I see Guido is moving his site offshore....

Anonymous said...

Happy Crimbo OH & everyone else on here - apart from McTwat & his 'orrible lot of so-called government that is, especially that lardarse chav Balls (IMO).

Interesting to hear what Brenda will have to say about McTwat's money mis-management to-morrow.

Dick the Prick said...

Happy Christmas to you too ya cunt. Have a good un peeps.

Bill d'Sarse said...

I too am a parent and my six were put in the cellar days ago and will be released for an hour tomorrow to receive a walnut, a tangerine and a spinning top.

OH, you big old softie you.


Merry Christmas anyway.

Anonymous said...

I have a sneaky suspicion that my wife has in a moment of free thinking madness come up with a cunning plan . either the golliwog is removed from the top of the by now needle-less fucking tree or subsequently i will be spending christmas down the local hostel for piss heads , sounds like a fair deal to me and i am busy packing an overnight bag as we speak .

Christmas Cunting Markets .. Eastern European ' delicacies appear to be all the rage at the one i had the bastard misfortune to visit .. i do know that the one and only reason they dish out hot wine and drinks with every so called dish of delicacy is to take the fucking taste away.

Leg-iron said...

I hope that Santa's been CRB checked, and his sleigh has guard rails and his load is secure and free of illegally-immigrating elsves and so on and so on. No wonder he only manages one trip a year.

I went into the lab on Monday and have refused to return until Jan 5th. By then I'll have a new lab, out of town where I won't have to deal with the buggers.


My take on your points:

1. I don't mind women talking, it's nothing to do with me. I hate it when they do it in shop doorways and at the bottom of that moving walkway in Tesco. Tesco is huge. That walkway won't stop just because you stepped off it. Keep moving.

Although sometimes, their faces when I collide, fall over and a leg does a 180 or comes off is worth it. I made one faint once.

2. Eat fewer pies, use less electricity for the battering ram. Think of the cash you'd save! And you could get through doors.

3. It's no longer legal to whack kids. If there's anybody watching and if you can't make it a convincing accident. Those wire shopping baskets are great.

4, 5 and 6. Nothing to add.

7 combines with 4 - do these people realise that they look like total dicks, and total drunk dicks at that?

8. Those make me laugh. Some spend longer in the queue than it would take them to wash the car themselves. I've always wanted to swap Dimitri's bucket for one filled with brake fluid.

9. Speechless.

10. No, it's going to rain. All together - 'I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas...'

Infury8r said...

Oh thanks for all the Joy you've brought another miserable old f@cker this year.

Merry Xmas & Goodwill to all (those who deserve it; the rest can enjoy OH's scything wit)

The Penguin said...

I have Brenda's Message a day early, plus more Turkey Leftovers...

The Penguin

John said...

Hum Fucking Bug.

microdave said...

Good story on the Daily Mash: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/it%27s-a-horrible-life-200812241478/

BulloPill said...

Thanks for eye-opening comment this year, OH.

Here's to you and yours for Christmas and for the New Year, whatever that may throw at us all.

crackers said...

Six kids eh. Six mistakes eh. Fnar. Fnar.

Happy Xmas.

Tuscan Tony said...

That is Electro-Kevin on the young
Ethiop's lap.

Happy crimbo, OH.

Martin said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7799094.stm
President of Iran is giving Channel 4's Christmas speech this year.

Fuck me, and I thought the BBC had lost it...

Anonymous said...

Martin said...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7799094.stm
President of Iran is giving Channel 4's Christmas speech this year.


Thanks Martin , i have studied the Speech with little or no fucking interest, anyway it was all in Arabic and not having the ability speak the Language myself i did my best and improvised and this is i think is the general gist of what the raving lunatic had to say ..

Hello fellow rag heads and infidels , i bring you very little hope of stopping an American led Coalition invasion , but in the meantime we can keep ourselves busy by assisting in the rebuilding of Palestine , so to make a start what is required for an immediate improvement to many peoples lives we are too demolish all the buildings we can too improve the standard of living of our neighbors by building slums.

Piss be upon him

Thud said...

That picture is deeply disturbing...merry christmas all.

mad manc cunt said...

Stop spoiling the kids OH, they will turn out chavs if you do! That santa has got tits by the way and has been out in the sun way to fuckin' long.

Merry Pissedupmass to you all.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Fuck off you cunt I had to endure Oxford street and Selfridges.
Mother Beast suggested that my aunt would like something from Joe Malone
£80 FOR A FUCKING CANDLE !

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND" SAYS The Beast.

Obviously fucking yes as I typed the pin number in

Old Holborn said...

Beast,

I thought you were joking

You aren't

Bob said...

Merry Christmas OH,

Beast, you're an idiot man. How's she going to shove a square candle up her duff?

Pomegranite flavour?

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Stick christmas up your fucking arse. The lot of you.

oh hell said...

Happy Christmas OH you Hoon and to the gang Merry Christmas and a happy new year,let the kids out of the cellar OH and enjoy the day,went to Chester today the car parks were half empty you could walk into the shops (those that were open) no queues more like a normal weekday,even the Northgate Arena was closed,never seen that before,I think the cow muck is hitting the fan.

Old Holborn said...

Some chance. Eastenders is probably on.

Christ, there's some SHITE on the box this Crimbo.

They should show the Exorcist. It's not as if the kids are going to sleep anyway is it?

Hoons

black hole sunset said...

Fuck 'em all and a very Merry Christmas to anyone who would lend a hand in said fucking.

Excellent blog - three cheers for OH.

Anonymous said...

Unwise words from an unwise women , to an even more unwise man ... again ?

Along them lines of i have got you for a ' gift ' seven pairs of new socks !! so i expect you to put a new pair on every day .. now i have three simple points to make.

(a) Well i am so fucking grateful for socks again it make such a refreshing change from socks

(b) I am even more grateful that they are new socks

(c) As for the putting on a new pair of socks every day .. i did that last year and by the new year i could not get my bastard shoes on .

Crappy Histmas to OH and the other folk bordering on the fringes of lunacy.

Its a mad bad and fucked up World we live in.. and we don't make it any bearable, just more fun .

Mac the Knife said...

"...receive a walnut, a tangerine and a spinning top"

A walnut and a tangerine?!!

And you wonder why the country is overrun with feral chavs?

You should be horse-whipped on the steps of your club Sir!

Mitch said...

Thanks for the free entertainment this year and as promised I will buy you a pint next 5th nov at the "gym" of your choice.
Happy Christmas to you and yours and a gummint free year.
I'm now gonna hit the Bushmills to thank the Irish for Lisbon.

Shirking From Home said...

Have a good one OH.

Dick Puddlecote said...

serves you right for living in Essex ... oh hold on, it's the same here too. Bollocks.

This time of year I usually listen out for the chav at Tesco asking an assistant for "the sossiges with the bacon raarnd, innit". It seems they haven't the imagination to combine the two themselves.

Have a Merry Christmas and a great New Year, OH. :-)

dmc said...

Lol,boy am I glad I Essex years ago.

Old Holborn said...

Bollocks to this. I've run out of milk.

max the impaler said...

Ampers..I have only taken viagra once...got it stuck in my throat...ended up with a stiff neck.

mad manc cunt said...

Ampers....I took viagra once. Got a bone on you could have hung a dead donkey on! Tripped up and pole vaulted out out of the fuckin' window. Anyone in here out in Manc land tonight i'll buy you a pint. You'll know its me 'cos i'll be flashing my arse at every cop van down oxford road.
Merry Titsmus.

Anonymous said...

Max the impaler ,

Well you did better than me i did not even manage to get one out of the fucking packet. mind you it would have been a waste of time , because it usually goes off between my thumb and forefinger, anyway i have tried so hard to break my existing stallion shagging record . and i mean i have really tried .. i was very close the last time i attempted yet another wasted go .. i was going for the full love robot record currently standing at a very impressive one minute and 3 seconds , so i can only put it down to ( a) either i have been shagging the same women for twenty eight years longer than intended or (b) I am just a useless cunt in bed .. so imagine my horror when my record attempt three months ago was close but not close enough according to the wife , i see no reason for her to nit pick i was only one minute a one second short of my all time record , and that is with foreplay .. some women eh never fucking enough is it .. have to go there's a strange buzzing coming from the bedroom.

Thanks OH and the rest of you . the pleasure has been err all mine .. My memory aint what it used to be ... .... what was i saying Oh yeah happy new year and heres to a good 1947 ..

I used to be indecisive , and now i am not too sure .

Anonymous said...

Like we are going to go into a tat shop playing cunting Slade on a fucking loop.

24 December 2008 13:15

Why do they play Slade FFS? It's like an instrument of torture. Is there anything more likely to add to the hassle and irksomeness of Christmas than Slade being played just once let alone over and over again. Fucking screeching irritation.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

"and a spinning top" EACH ?

Go easy on the idle luxuries OH, never did anyone any good.
Meanwhile, have a Happy Crimbo, see you in Church.

JPT said...

'I’m not going out again until it calms down out there'

Well you won't be going out again then!

The Hitman said...

Tesco's today....

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Tesco with
her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome
to Tesco's. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco's.'

Billy Wallace said...

Merry Christmas O.H!

You grumpy old bastard.......

electro-kevin said...

Jeez !

That does look like me, y'know !

Merry Christmas to everyone

Old Holborn said...

Yes Kev, we know

We await your explanation

Damo Mackerel said...

Hey evry9ne, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

So our govmints have screweed us ovewr.. well let's enjioy the festie seaqson while we can...... because the New Year mweans war.

BTW, I'm f8cking blind drunk here.

Old Holborn said...

Ho ho fucking ho

OH is full of Margaux and Port, fois gras, water biscuits and stilton, Jamesons and Bombay gin.

Good innit?

Oysters and juniper Skye smoked salmon for breakfast, followed by a bastard ostrich (organic, free range £50 bastard Earth Pounds), carved with a chainsaw for lunch.

and a Vienetta to follow. Then some Quality Street.

Looking forward to my Yule log on Boxing Day, that's for sure.

"Has Santa been yet?" screech the little ones...

Yes, he's under the fucking patio. Now get to FUCKING BED!!

Bastards

Daisy said...

we got ice on top of our snow so it looks like it might stay a while...fucking slick as hell but fun to watch from the car :)

happy holidays and all that sort...

Exile in KL said...

Anony 16.10: No wonder you didn't understand a word - the Dinnerjacket of Iran speaks Farsi not Arabic. Mind you it's all bloody Greek to me.

Re Christmas songs, here in KL where it is close to 32*C (that's about 90*F in old money) the mostest favouritest songs in the infernal chaotic shopping malls (which I make a deliberate point of keeping well away from) are "Sleigh bells ringing" and "Dreaming of a White Christmas" all played at deafening levels enough to guarantee a headache for a week.

Regrettably the irony is utterly missed and 90% of locals would not know what a sleigh looked like or was used for if it was parked in front of them and had a big red label on it.

Enjoy your holiday break OH and keep up the good work; I regularly rate your efforts at 5 - just like that silly young female from that Juke Box Jury record-playing progamme from the 1960s who gave every bit of tuneless trash she heard "foive".

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Said to the wife last night, 'do you want me to be santa'?. She looks at me with a puzzled look. 'You know' I say, 'I want to empty my sack in the bedroom'. Needless to say I still have a full sack. Merry Christmas.

john said...

You forgot

And if you are that old you shouldn't be dawdling along. You haven't got much time left. Get a fucking move on.

Applies to supermarkets, crowded streets and motorways.

(I drove down from carlisle yesterday. The number of geris doing 45 on the M6 was scary.)

Anonymous said...

Anony 16.10: No wonder you didn't understand a word - the Dinnerjacket of Iran speaks Farsi not Arabic. Mind you it's all bloody Greek to me.

Re Christmas songs, here in KL where it is close to 32*C (that's about 90*F in old money) the mostest favouritest songs in the infernal chaotic shopping malls (which I make a deliberate point of keeping well away from) are "Sleigh bells ringing" and "Dreaming of a White Christmas" all played at deafening levels enough to guarantee a headache for a week.

Happy actual Christmas fucking day to OH and one and cunting all .

Now before is start , i Maximus bilious would just like to point out that ... yes i know its fucking actually christmas day and yes i can imagine you are thinking WTF ? , but let me explain i have four split arse mechanic daughters and two rogue sons , which to my fucking absinth induced annoyance got up out of there beds before they actually even went to fucking sleep , so being the generous inconsiderate modern day father that i am , the little shits had peeled, eaten the tangerine and quaffed the miniature bottle of bells whiskey that i had so lovingly bought them , Oh the cost of six tangerines and six miniature bottles of Bells whiskey is just fucking staggering i can tell you ! so five minutes later the offspring of my marathon six love sessions are as just as bored as me . so my choice was simple , allow the kids to pour what is left of my absinth onto the golliwog at the top of the tree and set fire to it , have a family get together at the top of the stairs and have a group hanging session or ... restart the applemac pro and release some bile .
Now where was i ... Oh yes Exile in KL , Farsi , Arabic , Urdu , Punjabi , even Greek and Polish , I used a combination of quite a few .. the same as i do when i go to the local post office to buy a first class fucking stamp and a premium bond .

Pause for breath .... Another woodbine alight , here goes nothing , Exile in KL , 32oC its the same here
only minus 32oC , now KL thats either Kooooallah Lumper or is it Kentishtown London ..

Oh The pain and dizziness has set in .. still bored but feeling rather unwell .. that maybe down to my alcohol blood count that will take months to level out..

Anonymous said...

And another thing .

All is not lost after all , apparently as i have just been reliably informed by my aggravated wife , ' i am just an old silver tongued romantic fool '

In the early hours of this morning , my wife was standing in front of the bedroom mirror stark bollocky buff for what seemed like a fucking eternity , so i felt the husbandly need to enquire further along the lines of first ' are you gonna be there all fucking day ' followed by whassup my sweetness . she just let out a big sigh and then went into one .. well just look at me , i have developed bingo wings , cellulite and have the legs which would not look out of place on a silverback , sticky out veins , crows feet , wrinkles, grey hair , and my chaff is now resembling the end of a wizards sleeve and i feel all old and frumpy ..

Well i replied look on the bright side my sweet , there is fuck all wrong with your eyesight .

Anonymous said...

Thank fuck it's almost over.

Bang turkey into the oven, up to the pub for a sly one, come back, finish off the cooking, a few friends over for Xmas dinner. Then I will become very drunk and smash my (now ex) girlfriend's crystal and modify her website to not that she is nothing better than a high-class prostitute - which might warn off other suitors.

Happy Christmas, OH, I hope I can join you on many more walks in 2009. I'm as mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this any more!

Mrs Trellis (the real one) said...

Merry Christmas you old bastard.

Love and kisses

Ma Trellis

Chalcedon said...

Wonderful stuff. We only went out to a lunch party yesterday. Very nice. Then later over to the local for a couple of pints. Certainly going shopping never entered the conciousness. Nor will I be venturing out looking for tat to buy at these sales cons on Boxing day. Bah bloody humbug indeed. However I do have all my children at home and no cellar so Stella will have to suffice.

Happy fucking Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Yep it's me again , and in and even worse state then i was sometime ago ..

Christmas advice .. and its free ,if you ever get hassled again by hare krishna fucking layabouts ( where the fuck have they all gone by the way ) maybe its all the global warming !! anyway cease in your abusive ways towards these harbingers of much fucking annoyance, embrace them and request a vinyl record of there latest hits .. and if they have got a spare one for your mate by that one as well , the cost is irrelevant , let me explain we all have those who overstay there welcome especially at this time of year , maybe its just me being anti-social and a miserable old cunt , but if all else fails and you have not got to the point of just saying ' why do you and your cunt of a wife just fuck off out of my house ' and never set foot in here ever again, be cool ... just get out the Hare Krisha vinly , blow the dust of the stylus , sit back and ask them to join in with the chorus if they so wish ..

Thus :

Krishna Krishna ,Krishna Krishna, Krishna Krishna,Krishna Krishna , Krishna , Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna ,Krishna Krishna, Krishna Krishna,Krishna Krishna , Krishna , Krishna Krishna

Hari Hari, Hari Hari, Hari Hari Hari Krishna Krishna Hari Hari Hari Krishna Krishna

Krishna Krishna ,Krishna Krishna, Krishna Krishna,Krishna Krishna , Krishna , Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna ,Krishna Krishna, Krishna Krishna,Krishna Krishna , Krishna , Krishna Krishna

Hari Hari, Hari Hari, Hari Hari Hari Krishna Krishna Hari Hari Hari Krishna Krishna

You will never see two people move for there coats so fucking fast the kids might get hurt in the stampede for the cloakroom ... Well i actually have not got a cloakroom but i have got some coat hooks from B&Q ..

Anyway see it works a fucking treat !

Shirking From Home said...

If you are bored of Xmas crap take a tour of the internet* of the future and experience the internet in a way that makes even Jacqboots magically moist.

The *Firefox add-on China Channel offers internet user outside China to surf the web as if they were in China. Take an unforgetable virtual trip to China and experience the technical expertise of the Chinese Ministry of Information Industry (supported by western companies). It's open source, free and easy.

electro-kevin said...

http://electro-kevin-electrokevin.blogspot.com/2008/12/now-thats-what-i-call-electro-kevin.html

My more cultured side.

I hope that the 'dollies' realise that most of your readers are NOT swivel eyed BNP members and that they really ought to start listening.

They can get me if they can. I don't care. I don't want to live under their wicked regime anymore.

Dick Puddlecote said...

Thanks for the advice about licences and cabinets OH.

http://dickpuddlecote.blogspot.com/2008/12/someone-knows-me-well.html

2009 is going to be VERY different.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

I bought 14 kazoos from Poundland.

Got the grandkids to play them to Christmas carols after lunch, whilst I played the trombone - fucking din was excruciating.

They all went home, high as kites, at 4 o'clock.

I doubt their parents will risk coming back to killemall towers next year.

Happy Christmas to OH, and every other miserable cunt who looks in on his site. Fuck you all - you're great.

Daisy said...

happy holidays to you killem...glad to see you about...missed you...

Anonymous said...

Old Holborn thinking of doing a Xmas message on TV? You'll be better than what they've got on now, some lunatic spouting on about having peace and goodwill in the world or else you'll get blown up.

old bloke with a dead nokia in his glove compartment said...

Woman under thirty walks out of a shop.
Odds on she gets out her mobile within ten seconds.
Odds on she appears with said mobile clamped to her silly head.
What do they talk about?
Why do they check for texts every five minutes?
Why are they so insecure?
Are there any therapists dealing with mobile phone addiction?
Just asking.

Anonymous said...

OT but important, sorry...
Wow, check this out:
http://tinyurl.com/9em2ju

Thick Brother is already up and running as govt funded private firm
to avoid freedom of information requests.
"Common purpose" and "ACPO" are not the only devious organisations ready to take over the country...

R Nosgrove said...

This Christmas has moved me deeply.

I have now become a Catholic and I worship nightly at the shrine of St Stella of Artois.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Daisy!!!!!!!!

Happy Christmas - hope all is well. I still love it when you talk dirty ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank fuck its all over .

I am already set for the next bastard one , all done and dusted , presents wrapped and ready , seeming as my six rogue kids and my wife bought me seven pairs of socks ( again ) i have done the math and they are all going to get one bastard pair each next year ... now see how they fucking like it !

And whilst the rest of the family including dementia Lil Granny are enjoying cold turkey , i am not for one fucking second enjoying going cold turkey .. Oh the pain ... the sheer horror of it all , then again its probably my own fault for getting totally shitfaced and whilst under the influence thought i had the ability equal to Michael cunting Flattery and would perform the river dance through nothing more than sheer boredom which has led to a total ban on Alcohol by the wife or Divorce .. ! i had to think about it ... anyway i accidently knocked into the chrimbo tree , not only displacing Winston the two foot golliwog perched on the top , but broke several antique baubles which hit the opposite wall at the speed of fucking sound , and apparently according to Dementia Lil were passed down to her from her mother and her mother before that and her mother before the other fucking two , so it appears that i am now in the shit big time because i have broken some chrimbo tree baubles which came from the fucking Bronze age .

So thank fuck this ones over .. and knowing what i know now i should have stuck to drugs.

Happy new Year and big up to OH and the rest of the OH massive .. big up yerself

it's either banned or compulsory said...

25 December 2008 01:48
"OH is full of Margaux and Port, fois gras, water biscuits and stilton, Jamesons and Bombay gin".
OMG ! I only just read our loving Governments warning that the average Christmas Lunch contains More Than Twice the usual salt content and that salt is, of course, bad for us.
OH, according to HMG you are going to die of salinity; meanwhile, for our own protection, they will be introducing a Salt Tax to enforce a better lifestyle choice.

Hold on, didn't The Mahatma have something to say about Salt Tax ?

Hooned

Exile in KL (SEAsia!) said...

Hallo Anon - loved your drunken rants.

Anyone know if OH is organising another walk on New Year's Eve? Should be close to 100,000 walkers (have I spelt that right?) up for it this time as they'll be in the area anyway. Just a thought while there is still time to send out the invitations.

Also just received a little film from a mate of Archbish Tutu's Xmas address in Cape Town.

"A young couple pulled up to the local hostelry. When the landlord appeared Joseph said: 'Scuse me mate, you got a room for the night?
No,said the landlord, but you can use the stable.
What! said Jo, but can't you see she is about to have a baby?
Not my fault, said the landlord.
Exactly, said Jo, and it ain't mine either!!




boom boom (PLEASE don't ask me to explain that!)

Exit left Archbish Tutu laughing his arse off.

Anonymous said...

Exile in KL (SEAsia!) said...
Hallo Anon - loved your drunken rants.

Oh you don't know the fucking half of it , there's so much more bile and bitterness and bastard hard luck to spout forth... so here goes nothing.

So there is a fucking God after all .. thanks my new best friend KL , i was starting to think that everybody fucking hated me , not only has Dementia Lil promised never to speak to me again ... and thats no fucking great loss i can tell you , its the best fucking christmas present i could have wished for and it most certainly beats seven pairs of bastard white socks .. yes thats how shit my christmas was not only was i given socks that no doubt i actually fucking paid for anyway , just to rub salt ( on topic) into my deep and painful wounds ..... they were white , they might have just as well got up on Christmas day and stabbed me . it would have had the same fucking effect , anyway now the kids the wife and even my own cunt of a dog are blanking me .. i can understand my eldest daughter being a tad miffed , Mishka ,, i know , me neither , if it was down to me i would have named her something more traditional and British , i wanted to name her Doris , but as my grumpy other half informed me ... think about it you twat she says lying in hospital covered in goo and Placenta , when she gets older she will be an old Doris ... point taken i replied , what about Steve then .. Anyway Mishka it was , where was i ... Oh yeah Mishka she looked to me for some inspiration earlier when she asked me does she look like Victoria Beckham .. As quick as a ferret up a drainpipe i replied why in the fucking name of all things holy would you want to look like someone who appears to me to be a skeleton with a durex stretched over them ..? another one bites the dust ..

The older i get the less i fucking know , having a large family is not quite all its cracked up to be, the first 20 twenty years are very bad .. and then it progressively gets fucking worse ..

Now where did i put that crate of Gold Label that i have kept stashed since 1972 ..

Anonymous said...

OT I know, but you really couldn't make this up:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/3949322/Thousands-of-foreign-prisoners-freed-early---with-compensation.html

it's either banned or compulsory said...

anonymous 16:25 said
"...starting to think that everybody fucking hated me "

Your stuff is very amusing but it is hard to respond to 'anonymous'. I grew up with a demential Great Grandma who was a power crazy old witch, always supported by her not-proper-cockerny hoon relatives.
I hated her then and I hate them now. Happily I don't ever have to see them, I don't even go to their funerals.

Anonymous said...

its either banned or its compulsory
said...
anonymous 16:25 said
"...starting to think that everybody fucking hated me "

Your stuff is very amusing but it is hard to respond to 'anonymous'. I grew up with a demential Great Grandma who was a power crazy old witch, always supported by her not-proper-cockerny hoon relatives.
I hated her then and I hate them now. Happily I don't ever have to see them, I don't even go to their funerals.

The Outlaws funerals .. just a distant fucking dream for me . the Mother outlaw insists she is only 88 .. bollocks i reckon she is fucking immortal and was born in 1788 .. if my ramming my 4 x4 head on into her by a complete fucking accident .. i didn't see her .... honest, a triple fucking heart bypass and sense of humor bypass on the same fucking day ,. she contracted MRSA , C decifile , Aids Sars , and the Eboli which i sneaked in to the hospital in a petri dish when no one was looking and rubbed it all over brrrr HER hairy fucking torso , i even put a swab of it on her tongue .. and that probably killed the virus stone dead .. anyway if none of that worked then dementia is a fucking walk in the park for her..
Funerals .. i have even put a tremendous amount of effort in there too, i attend at least one a week at the local crem , they all know me now by my first name ,' unlucky' .. i just blend in and pretend to be as just as upset as the rest of the people who i have never seen before in my fucking life, why do i do it.. well one, for the fun, and two for the practice , if someone manages to shoot Dementia Lil with a silver bullet or the like . then i want to make sure that at the funeral we are more than well prepared .. at least 10 boxes of matches and three gallons of petrol . and i want to make sure the fire is raging for at least three weeks .. cant be too careful.

Anyway .. I have tried to become unanoyyymouse . but how the fuck do you do it .. Oh i have tried i have really tried ... Harrithebastard .. on the Tangled Web .. Joke section , thats me .

I read the Obituaries in the local rag just to cheer me up . see there is always someone worse off then yourself .. thats my way of thinking and it cheers me up no end... Oh , so much bile and so little time

lesson for unanoyyymouse said...

To become unanoyyymouse after you type in the just type a any old name into the jumbled letters immediately below the comment box, scroll down a bit and instead of click the anony circle, click the name/url circle instead. A box will appear for you to type in any old name you want to give yourself - even unanoyyymouse. See, just like that!

unanoyy etc - part the second said...

Sorry about the jumble above - it was fine when I typed it, but got buggered in transmission!

It should have read:...after you type in the jumbled word verification letters immediately below the comment box, scroll down a bit and instead of clicking the anon circle, click the name/url circle instead. etc..

try again....

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