I’m not going out again until it calms down out there.
Wednesday is market day in Braintree and the fish bloke will have oysters and I like oysters. I hadn’t reckoned with every mong in the east of England being out too.
1 Make the fucking baby walk. He’s SEVEN YEARS OLD. He does not need a pushchair, you do not need to meet up with three other “mothers” with pushchairs and gossip about Beckhams arse and block the fucking pavement.
2. Because you ate all the pies is no reason to load your bloated carcass into a motobility scooter, with optional wheezy old dog and block up every thoroughfare. I know you can walk because your shoes are worn out.
3. Control your fucking kids. I too am a parent and my six were put in the cellar days ago and will be released for an hour tomorrow to receive a walnut, a tangerine and a spinning top. Then it’s back to the cellar until school opens again in January. As it should be.
4. Artificial Reindeer antlers are beyond fucking stupid. So is tinsel as a belt around your enormous arse. Stop it.
5. Stop buying shit. I saw a woman come out of Argos with a novelty fairground “grab crane” machine thing. That’ll prove a bag of fun for years to come, I’m sure.
6. You are not homeless. You are Eastern European. Stop saying “Big Issue, Boss” with more gold in your teeth than the Bank of England has in it’s vaults.
7. Just because it is Christmas Eve, it is no reason to go around in gangs with cans of Stella at lunchtime, shrieking like fucking banshees.
8. Stanislav and Dimitris hand car wash has them queuing down the street. I suppose if you are going to visit Dawn and Barry on Boxing day, the last thing you could face is them finding a spot of dust on your 100% financed four year old Audi, is it? Oh, the shame. Never mind that you have just lost your job, have more debt than most of Africa and pass the day popping Prozac to keep the black dog from making you kill your self and can’t think of anything other than suicide.
9. Do you really need your nails done by an elf? On Christmas Eve? Really? Ye fucking Gods
10. It isn’t going to snow. So stop asking.