Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Lapland shit, say spoilt kids



Hundreds of spoilt children today complained that Lapland is “fucking shit, innit” after their parents transferred their credit card debts to another card (0% for 6 months) and booked one day fantasy flights to some place in the Arctic Circle.

9 year Chlamidya from Maidstone said “what utter cack. It’s bastard freezing here. None of the reindeer can actually fly and that bearded cunt smells of vodka. Most of the elves are taller than me.”

Outside, a bleak landscape greeted the heartbroken youngsters. Fir trees, snow drifts and no McDonalds made what was supposed to be a trip of a lifetime into a nightmare for parents

“It’s a nightmare” said a parent.

“I mean, we spent loads. The last thing I want to see is little Euphrates shivering in minus 20 temperatures. They should build a dome over it and heat it up a bit. Like the Eden Project thing. The food was shit too. Loganberry juice and reindeer stew may be what the locals eat, but if you come this far, you want to see gingerbread houses made out of real gingerbread for the kids to eat” said Barry Duckfucker, a lorry driver from Hastings. “And the bastards speak funny. Even Santa is a fucking foreigner. They all drive 4X4’s, Volvos and skimobiles, not proper fucking sledges with bells and stuff. We did like the Sauna though and have made some great friends with people from Wolverhampton in there, but you can hardly expect the kids to enjoy girl on girl sweaty action, can you? We had to leave them outside throwing snow at each other and building snowmen. That's not entertainment is it?”



Disgruntled parents moaning in a sauna, yesterday, whilst their children were forced to stay outside.

The Lapland Tourist Authority has apologised over the farce, simply stating in a robot like voice “This is Lapland. It’s cold, bleak and dark most of the year. If you want fucking Disneyland, go to Paris. Idiots” spokesman Maarti Upsevodka said before snuggling down in his hibernation bed until April. "All they do is shag anyway”, he added.

24 comments:

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

I fucking hate christmas. Busiest time of year for me, supplying all the neds (a lower class of scottish chav) food and drink. As I type this, wizzard are on the telly singing 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday'. cunts.

el reapero said...

cheering stuff el holborno.

you should try being miserable at this time of year.

el reapero said...

cheering stuff el holborno.

you should try being miserable at this time of year.

Old Holborn said...

I heard you the first time

man in the street said...

Oh, Mr Holborn you are spoiling us. Except that clicking on the lower pic for the original (larger, maybe) doesn't work.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Write to the complaints department, Man is Street. Ensure the envelope is marked 'put in bin'.

Dungeekin said...

Nice one, OH. Proper funny that.

Cheers

D

Nancy's stout said...

Jees, have you seen the head of hair on that blonde fella? I fear the birds are a bit superfluous to this seasonal sauna sizzler. My guess is the lads can't wait for them to piss off so they can resume whatever it is they were up to before.

mad manc cunt said...

Are the blondes twins? Hope so. Thats my wanking material sorted for tonight then. Might squirt a bit of asda's own washing up liquid in my hand as a treat, lovely!

Obnoxio The Clown said...

OH, check the comments here for Sperm's observations...

Old Holborn said...

Obo, something like THIS

Mr. No said...

Funny stuff OH. And you can just imagine them saying that too. Which is why they all go to Ibiza and Faliraki for their holidays, innit.

Anonymous said...

Mr OH,
any chance of an advert thingy in the top right of the page to link to your excelent G.B. facebook page.

saves me tryin to find the bookmark+ you must be missin a lot of voters that dont know about it. cheers

Cato said...

Someone tell me where they're going cos I'll do a 180 right quickly.
Chave bastards.

Ampers said...

Holborn...

if you are going to lift an entire story from the Guardian, you should at least give acknowledgments. :-)

ranter said...

Well you've got the Maidstone archetype to a 'T'. I'm sure that little slut Chlamidya is off that small corner of Peckham they recreated in the village of Marden a few years back. I could be thinking of her mum Sifflis.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

" fings' ain't wot they used to be... "
In the spirit of pre Christmas Conviviality

wv "nocked" You could not make it up

Old Holborn said...

Ampers..

HUH?

You think I read the Grauniad?

K.McEgan said...

Most popular girls name in Harlow 2008 FORMICA. (Guinness Book of records,(2008)MacWhirther & Gelignite,Chav publishing,Bognor.

Lord Elvis of Paisley said...

OT, Have a Blue Christmas!

Dave said...

O/T but I thought you'd enjoy
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3692394/City-centre-introduces-a-zero-tolerance-policy-against-swearing.html

Dick the Prick said...

You've changed the narrative under your title - gadzooks! Quite liked the fuck off Guardian readers bit. Hey ho - none of my business.

Anonymous said...

Should have padlocked the gates and sent the dogs in, maximum chavvage.

wood lice said...

The time to go to Lapland is mid June - no chavs, endless sunshine, smashing grub (reindeer meatballs and boiled spuds with loganberry sauce or jelly and thick gravy really is quite delicious, especially when served the traditional way seated on tree trunk stools placed around a glowing fire!). I went last year and stayed way out in the forest some 200 miles north of the Arctic Circle. Had a herd of reindeer on the balcony for company and my lady friend in the chalet/log cabin sauna, which if you haven't tried it is worth every penny of the fare money. A slight drawback was the clouds of pesky midges which get everywhere (except in the sauna).

Go before you need an exit visa to pass through the gates at LHR. You can forget all about loony Brownonomics and you won't want to go home again.

wv: pastalog - which makes a nice starter too...

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