Wednesday, 17 December 2008

I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister

Captions please!

To the tune of 'I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General'*

I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister
My words are often cynical, my motivation sinister
I know the laws of England though for me they don't quite register
From Habeus to Corpus, Magna Carta doesn't matter here!

I'm very well acquainted too with matters all political
I understand elections, swing, and all the tricks to rig 'em all
On Paliamentary theorem I am teeming with a lot o'news
With many cheerful facts to use to baffle and befuddle you

I know about the people struggling through in this economy
Yet 'coz I am a Minister it doesn't really bother me
As I make loads of cash from all my Interests on the Register
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister

As he makes loads of cash from all his Interests on the Register
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister

I know our country's history from Thatcher to Jim Callaghan
I've studied all our foreign wars from Falklands to Afghanistan
And yet I signed the sales forms giving weapons to the Taliban
Because I'm not like Churchill, I am rather more like Chamberlain

Now I can speak to Parliament and People with authority
On topics one and all, from income tax to foreign policy
My speeches are a marvel of sonority not brevity
And I can make it sound to them like I have genuine empathy

And I can write a bill to take your Civil Rights away from you
With DNA, ID Cards and a database to follow you
In short with legislation that's designed to chafe and monitor
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister

In short with legislation that's designed to chafe and monitor
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister

In fact when I can understand just what is meant by 'poverty'
When I know more of life than does a novice in a nunnery
And worked instead of reading PPE at University
Then I could do my job with more compassion and propriety

For all my time in Parliament, I'm niggarly and cowardly
I simply feel the Laws of all the land do not apply to me
In short, I am a Stalinist, with motivations sinister
I am the very model of a modern Labour Minister

In short, he is a Stalinist, with motivations sinister
He is the very model of a modern Labour Minister

*With apologies to both Gilbert AND Sullivan
Hat tip to Dungeekin


microdave said...

"We're Tough on Grime, Tough on the causes of Grime"

Dungeekin said...

Cheers for the repost and link. Much appreciated.


Mitch said...

gordon says"Is this lubricant?"

woman on a raft said...


lilith said...

Love it. Now we just need it sung by a fine voice to vids and it will go viral :-)

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Gordo says - 'I fucked it right up, now I'm washing my hands of it'.

The Refuser said...


Gordon Brown said...

"I'm niggarly and cowardly"

I am Scotish,not African.

Caption: I was simply saying "all we need to do is put our hands together like this and pray our way out of this recession"

one of the three little maids said...

Wonderful OH. I had a soft spot for G&S until I met you.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

"Yes well, your darkie friend likes the flat hand clitoral rub, I see you like the whole four fingers and thumb, but I prefer to masturbate using the ten-fingered technique. Mandy likes this as well.

Must go, I have a world to save."

The Penguin said...

"Haven't you got any celebrities for me to be photographed with?"

The Penguin

Old Holborn said...

How does a Glaswegian know his sister has her period?

His dad's cock tastes funny.

coat, hat, kilt etc.

Goodnight Vienna said...

Gordon: "This is the way we wash our hands, wash our hands, wash our hands. This is the way we wash our hands of an MRSA ward."

Martin J said...

How about Wont Get Fooled Again

Or will we?

Old Holborn said...

Gordon:"So muff diving's not like that at all? I never knew. Can I have my pills now?"

James Higham said...


killemallletgodsortemout said...

Talking of useless scotch cunts, the one-eyed saviour of the world couldn't even lay a wreath to our fallen heroes properly in Iraq.

The celtic fuck-pig laid it wrongly, with the cross of Saint
George rotated through 90 degrees.

Can you imagine how the scotchcuntalists would whinge if you laid a saltire on its side?

And before any jockanese start whining on here, fuck right off (with OH's permission, of course), I'm not interested. Gordon is a fucking useless, scotch, cuntalist moron.

Cato said...

Pontius Brown washes his hands of the NHS...far too good for them oiks out there!

Mitch said...

What's the miracle of Aids?

It turns Fruits into Vegetables

Minister of the Cloth said...

Gordon: "Let us prey!"

Old Holborn said...


english said...

"We'll have Robinson and Peston out of there in no time."

Gareth said...

I can usually get it in up to the elbow but once managed to lose my watch and a Maddy McCann wristband.

I used to like this bit on All Creatures Great and Small.

Out, damn'd spot!

Anonymous said...

Gord is saying

"Is this what is known as hand relief?"

Ampers said...

If we could find a singer and band to record this, and put it on YouTube I guarantee it will hit the tens of thousands and will eventually make the newspapers and maybe even television!

WV is Porsh I kid you not - this indicates we may make a lot of money lol

Old Holborn said...

I have to agree Ampers. The Two Ronnies would have bought this for hard cash.

No point in approaching the BBC with it now though.

Dungeekin said...

Ampers 19:38 -

Thank you Sir, I'm flattered.


Anonymous said...

Pontius Pilate Brown washes his hands as he waits for the 30 pieces of silver.
As I remember it, both Pontius Pilate & Judas Iscariot came to a bad end. One can only hope........

Anonymous said...

Ooops that should have read '...of silver from European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso'.

Damo Mackerel said...

Waiting for the musical next. Jock on a bottle of buckfast: how I saved the world, ye ungrateful c*nts.

Leg-iron said...


Next, an entire musical. 'The Gord and I', perhaps?

Although maybe something catchy in time for the election. Something kids can chant in the street in lieu of all those lost nursery rhymes.

Danniellamanda said...

Martin J. I love that video on the bbc.

Tractor Stats said...

So that proves Geof Hoon was born a cunt then.

Scrobs said...

Angela Merkel (for it is she, on right) to other lady who looking apprehensive about sharing an alcohol rub with an unpleasant admission...

"Ich going to wash that manse right outta mein Herr"...

Old Holborn said...


St Emilion>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Keyboard

The Hitman said...

Metaphorically, the 'Midas touch' is defined as someone of good fortune, for whom everything they touch "turns to gold".

Gordon Brown is said to have the 'Andrex touch.'

crackers said...

Gordon having lost the election trains for an alternative career. The lecturers stress the importance of clean hands for aspirant Proctologists.

electro-kevin said...

WITH concern focused on the economic slowdown, woefully little attention is being paid to the acceleration of time, a problem which few people can have failed to notice.

There can be little doubt that it will soon be 2009, and it might already be too late to prevent 2010 and 2011 following with frightening rapidity.

We're faced with the prospect of large-scale and unnecessary loss of life, particularly affecting those whose number is up in these years.

Nor do any of us have room for complacency. There are strong indications that, barring some dramatic intervention, 2100 is now closer than anyone would previously have thought possible.

And, as Keynes so cheerfully observed, in the long run we are all dead. Fortunately, our economic and temporal crises have one important feature in common: they each depend for their solution on the mobilisation of a massive collective-conscious effort of will. I'm confident that, if the Government is able effectively tackle one, it is likely also to resolve the other.

The politicians are our only hope.

"Whatever we do in life echoes for eternity." Maximus

(Thank you, John Risely, whoever you are. Pure genius.)

Billy Wallace said...

Gordon Brown was looking for a call girl

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, £200.

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100.

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of my bank charges, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and fuck me the way you have the pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

Window Licker said...

"Mrs Thatcher is awake and taking visitors. Please speak clearly and don't grill her too much, you really must start to think up policies without her.."

non black carer said...

Zanulab internal-- Feet together Knees apart,

bofl said...

looks like he is about to do some fisting!

tony or peter?

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

I wish gordo mcbroon wasn't scottish. Its so embarrassing. The useless FuckNut

it's either banned or compulsory said...

" No, you thick wee bitch, put your hands together just like this and pray that thieving scotch bastard returns my purple tie or I'll close this shiteheap hospital Tomorrow."

The Emporer of Japan said...

Where are The Lord High Executioner and/or Yeomen of the Guard when you need them?

john said...

"pat-a-cake pat-a-cake bakers man
bake me a cake as fast as you can

Is it time for my medication nurse?

Where's Peggy"

Old Holborn said...


"Where's Peggy?"


man in the street said...

They look to me like they are attempting to remember how that very juvenile 'game' works. The one where you and a friend put your palms together, interlock and then open your palms.

Hey presto, Gordon sees what everyone else sees when they look at 'him'.

curly15 said...

Gorgon -
"No, no, I'm showing you how to clap, not how to get clap!"

Tuscan Tony said...

OK blue, you get th right cheek - red, the left: I'll see if I can see the soles of Ed balls' feet.

Dungeekin said...

OK, for those of you who wondered about a musical, let's have another one:

A Speakers' Lot is Not A Happy One

You know the tune.



Geoff Hoon said...

I'm still an utter cunt.

The Penguin said...

Can we import some South Korean democracy?

The Penguin

i hate labour said...

Popped over for the second time from Guido's. Looks a good refuge from Labour. Any particular rules or can I swear here as well?

Geoff Hoon (On his mommy's PC) said...

Fuck you "i hate labour". Swearing here will get you banned you utter utter cunt.

Worse comment modding here than Miss Dale's cottage. Stop all being so overly sensitive you twatbaskets.

Down with Bastard Old Holborn. He's a cunt, and much more importantly, so am I.

Love and kisses


Geoff Hoon (On his mommy's PC) said...

(Now if there were any rules, i'm pretty sure that post would have broken at least half of them ;) )

Overall, this place seems to be a good refuge from overly moderated political blogs. Get's a bookmark from me. Nice work BOH.

Anonymous said...

As there wasn't a blog for 18/12, I passed the time I would normally use to read your latest blog, singing 'I am a very model....' Pure Genius!! It really does need to go out on YouTube, with accompanying tasteful shots of Brown, washing his hands, picking his nose, with red eyes etc etc. It would be such a vote catcher - for one of the other Partys.

Anonymous said...

The one eyed cunt ' Mandy has an arse that size'.

Dungeekin said...

@Anonymous, 19:40. . .

Well, if someone wants to contact me about putting it together, I'd be more than happy to post it on the original site, with OH reposting here.


Tory fascists said...

Tory fascists!

Conservative MP for Horsham, Francis Maude:

Mr. Maude: To ask the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster what guidance is provided to civil servants on the compatibility of British National Party activism with holding senior positions of authority.

December 18, 2008 8:51 PM

and there i was feeling sorry for the Tory who was arrested in a fascist like manner.

Lib/Lab/Contrick as bad as each other.

mad manc cunt said...

Please do not ban the swearing and stupid comments on here OH. Swearing and posting shite is my only fuckin' talent!

Rogerborg said...

Apropos of nothing, let's lighten it the fuck up. From my 2nd favourite historical documentary series, Xena: Warrior Princess:

[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]

Gabrielle :
Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene*
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
Pirates :
We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
Maidens :
Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.

[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]

Xena :
Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian*
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian*
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
Chorus :
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!
Xena :
My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical*
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan*).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus :
To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan--
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena :
I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous*
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by sensus tactilis*.)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient*;
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it--he's
Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!

[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs.] It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"! [Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .

Chorus :
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhe-makhetes,
Xena :
Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian*).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus :
It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena :
In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos* (as cute as that of Omphale*),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon*,
[She holds up a tomato:]
And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon*,
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
Chorus :
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
Xena :
But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),

Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus :
'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

* Footnotes for the ill-educated fuck-knuckles amongst ye.

Anonymous said...

Dungeekin, apologies, I hadn't realised you were the author of 'a Model Labour Minister'. I had seen the 'hat tip' but thought that meant you'd perhaps suggested the subject to OH - hadn't realised it was your own 'Pure Genius'- as I described it in my comment. It really is very, very funny. Thank you for pointing out the true facts pleasently.

Anon 19:40

i hate labour said...

So I hate fucking Libore shit is OK. Thanks, I'll be back with the gang!

Geoffrey said...

"I hate fucking Libore shit" should be fucking encouraged.

Cunts, the lot of them!

Bridge said...

Jacqui Spliff and Harperson swear by this anti-wrinkle cream Gordon - take years off you it will.

Anonymous said...

Rogerborg - clever cunt.

Rogerborg said...

Would that that were true. However, I am merely a tiresome, repetitious cunt. But aren't they all, given time and familiarity?

gazing in awe said...

Rogerborg - congratulations to a true wand'ring minstrel.

Anonymous said...

Gordon says: "...and Tony swears by this Teflon stuff..."

Yeah I know, crap.

Bishop Brennan said...

The nurse on the left is thinking, "Even this 100% proof stuff won't clean my hands after I came into contact with that Scottish cunt - I'll have to get the surgeon to chop them off"

And Geoff, sorry to say this, but, whilst you are, indeed, a cunt of high order, Gordon is a far bigger cunt than you. Perhaps you could try molesting small children? That might give you a chance of beating him in the cunt of the year award. But only might, mind...

OwlHoot said...

anonymous "Popped over for the second time from Guido's. Looks a good refuge from Labour."

Me too. I can't face seeing Draper's ugly mug popping up for the next week each time I check the page.

What was Guido thinking of leaving *that* as the placeholder?!

DiscoveredJoys said...

Another tune for the new musical 'Calamity Brown' - to the tune of 'Donald, wheres ma troosers':

I just come down from my fathers Manse
I waited ten years for my chance
All the lassies shout as by I prance,
"Gordon, Where's Your Prudence?"

Let the tax go high and the employment low
Through the streets in my limo I go
All the lassies cry, "Hello!
"Gordon, Where's Your Prudence?"

The IMF gave me a call
It vera' nearly made me bawl
But I dinna think it wa' noticed at all
Because I nay showed them my Prudence

I went down to London town
To tell everyone the economy was sound
But the traders wrote down the Pound, saying,
"Gordon, Where's Your Prudence?"

The BBC love me every one
But they must boost me if they can
You canna report against a highland man, saying,
"Gordon, Where's Your Prudence?"

Or possibly the musical could be called 'Les NuMiserables'?

wv: flubagge

OwlHoot said...

Charles Dodgson (AKA Lewis Carroll) reckoned the one of the easiest rhyming styles to parody was Longfellow's Haiwatha.

His version, describing the trials and tribulations of a photographer in the 1860s, can be found here.

I reckon its deadpan humour is hilarious in places, although it might not be everyone's cup of tea.

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