Monday, 1 December 2008

Dubai Rant

Episode One of Old Holborn's Travel Guides

The choice was limited. I wanted some sun, had four days free and the only place showing on the radar was that ubiquitous quick destination, Dubai. I really didn’t fancy mixing it with the Aids infested locals in Gambia or hoping for decent weather in Madeira, so I booked my good lady and myself a flight to Dubai and a four star hotel.

The plan was to spend a couple of days on the beach, wander the old Souks (a hobby of mine) and drink myself stupid.

Emirates – A good airline. With the current carnage at BA showing yet again that nobody can fuck it up like the British, it made sense. Dropped the car off at the end of the District line and jumped on a tube to Heathrow. Fuck me, I was the only white man from Uxbridge to Earls court. What the fuck is going on in East London? Why bother flying to an Arab country when a quick ride through Mile End will suffice?

Heathrow – no, I cannot, simply will not let it pass without comment. What an absolute bastards shambles. Every dodgy trader in the land trying to push yet more shite on a weary traveller, queues the size of Brixton dole office trying to get through ONE fucking scanner, stupid, stupid people who wait until it is their turn to be xrayed before they even consider taking their overcoats off, checking for keys, phones etc. It cannot be long before murder is done.

The flight? Wonderful. Decent looking tarts attending to my every whim, 500 plus channels on the telly, gin and tonic flowing, good food and a relaxing atmosphere. Recommended.

Dubai airport is spotless. True, it is the size of bastard Kuwait but once you reach immigration, there are no queues, no screaming kids just efficient courteous staff doing their jobs properly. Bags arrive before you do, duty free on hand, ATM’s instead of Jewish money traders trying to fleece you with “no commission” deals designed to extract all your cash by shitty exchange rates.

Taxis. Oh boy, they’ve got this sorted. Dirt cheap, spotless and if the Indian disadvantaged person driving it tries to rip you off, he is executed on the spot by a grinning policeman.

So what is Dubai like, I hear you say?

A very, very weird place. I like old stuff, a bit of charm and something unusual so I opted to stay in the old town of Deira where all the old markets and lice ridden beggars live. Gives it a touch of atmosphere, however most visitors head for the shiny themed Disneyland hotels that have sprung up further up the beach. One night at the Jumeirah Beach hotel was enough to show me that the Russian Mafia is alive and kicking and the place is full of 28 year old public schoolboy yuppies living the high life and smoking shisha pipes to try and look cool. They don’t. They look like 28 year old public schoolboys trying to be cool and failing.

Anyway, I digress. You won’t see an arab unless you go to the pub. Then, the place is bastard full of rag heads downing as much beer as they can whilst fondling the Filipinos before clambering into BMW X5’s and doing 100 mph through town. Middle aged Brits with nylon Arsenal shirts holding up the bar, their eyes desperately following the slightest hint of skirt, dodgy Armenians doing dodgy deals, badly dressed Russians, Vietnamese skanks, timid Dutch.

But the service is excellent.

“I would like my beer delivered by naked Balinese maidens please”

“no problem” says Sanjay from Cochin, who is happy to spend 51.5 weeks away from his wife and kids in Kerala for £1.50 a week (plus tips)


For some reason, Iranians seem to be the main vendors of dysentery in Dubai. Every restaurant will serve you char grilled lambs head covered in chilli flakes and washed down with a stiff glass of tap water, grinning all the while whilst you digest what has probably been digested three times before. The Fish Souk (market) has a wonderful frontage, worthy of Billingsgate, but out the back, the rag heads are busy shovelling rotten fish guts mixed with year old ice slush into wheelbarrows to sell to 5 star hotels.

Good Food. 360 Restaurant at the Jumeirah Beach
Bad Food. Everywhere.


There isn’t any… You can watch the Lambos and Ferraris turn up at 5 star restaurants, unload their Russian whores and fat Arabs for a meal of rotten fish guts baked in vomit or you can sit in “swanky” cocktail bars on the 97th floor watching fat European businessmen trying to impress tight faced accountantesses from PWC. Much more fun is to go to the Moscow Hotel and watch their cabaret, which consists of Bolshei trained stunners gyrating to a Casio keyboard and a bloke on guitar who hasn’t even plugged it in (yes, it’s true)

Beaches are cool if you like bathing on a building site prowled by greasy hook nosed Stani’s desperate to shag anything that isn’t from Pakistan. I don’t.


There aren’t any. I like Indians, luckily. They are smiley, honest, hardworking and apart from spiting their red gunk in the street, seem to get along. Pakistani’s (of which there are four million) are not. Lazy, shifty, quivering with greed as you approach are to be avoided. You can smell the garlic long before you have to face their bearded, filthy entities. Avoid.

So do I like Dubai?

I like the liberal society. I like the tolerance. I certainly like the weather and the prices. I like the Indians, the choice, the markets, the wailing 5 times a day, the efficiency, the modern, 21st century appeal, the money invested and the comfort and the whatever attitude from the incumbant dictator.

I HATE everything and everybody else. I hate the “nouveau rich”, the flash bling, the Ruskies, the Paki’s and the Yemeni’s. I hate “Disney” attitude to everything. If I want to go skiing, I’ll go to the Alps and insult the French, not Dubai indoor ski centre. I hate the upper middle class English tarts who wallow everywhere as if they own the effing place, I hate Arsenal and most of all, I hate stupid Irish bints who say they will then don’t, even when pissed.

Make your own minds up. Get there before Wayne and Waynetta or skip the whole thing and source polenta ingredients in Tuscany.



Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Can't wait for your review on Scotland!

Barnsley Bill said...

Lonely Planet, the curmudgeons chapter.
Precise and factual description though.
And emirates would have to be the best airline bar NONE.
They make those hosties where a uniform that is only made in one size. If you can't get in to it you can't fly.

John Pickworth said...

I completely agree with your observations about Heathrow in contrast to Dubia International Airport. Dubai (and there are other airports around the world like it too) is a model of efficiency.

I must confess, smokers at Dubai have to suffer the discomfort of being squeezed into glass-walled boxes to partake of their habit... but even this is much worse at Heathrow; where often you're stuffed into a dimply lit sub-cellar between the airconditioning plant and the broom cubboard.

Emirates airlines, also highly recommended.

I haven't spent much time in Dubai proper, usually for me its little more than a pit-stop before proceeding to nicer places further east.

Each time though, I've been jolly impressed at how the plane lands, turns hard right and screeches to a halt at Gate One before most people are aware we've even landed. The baggage train is under the aircraft before the engines have stopped and everyone is off the plane shortly after that. Inside the airport, you only have to look lost for 20 seconds before a member of staff is at your side to guide you to the appropriate place.

When I die, I want my ashes spread on the runway at Dubai.

Cato said...

Loved it. Well done OH!

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Like the pic. Are they the finalists in the miss islam '08 contest?

Custard said...

OH, have I read this before somewhere else?

GrumpyOldTwat said...

Very entertaining OH.
It made this G.O.T. laugh anyway!
Pic caption?
"Let's see you smile while I'm taking a shit"

Old Holborn said...

You know me Custard. Big in Renewables

Old Holborn said...

Rab, as it happens, OH is in Fort William for Hogmanay, kilted to the nines.

Might be meeting up with Leg Iron. If you're not that far away or can share a taxi.....

Northern Colour said...

Brilliant. Publish a book, quick.

I heard the whole of that building site was completely buggered due to this financial crisis. And employment was frozen, and that all new building projects were frozen. (I thought it was just Westminster - they can't even replace their collapsed buildings here).

Did you purchase your dirt-cheap apartment in the Burj Dubai on the 157th floor?

a miserable sod said...

Any places you do like OH? I could imagine you picking fault with a paradise where there are unlimited civil liberties, scenery for every taste and where the girls are pretty and will sit on your dick almost without asking. There isn't such a place, surely, or I'd be there.

Paul said...

Oh, and while I'm here: I've just come back from Madeira and it ain't that warm. It's a sad fact of life that most of the places that are warm are either in the Caribbean or infested by demented perverts.

Dick the Prick said...

I've had her 2nd from the right - her mother's an absolute cow, fortunately gave her eldest a tenner and we buried the bitch - when in Rome.

Quality post OH - cheers.

Dick Puddlecote said...

"stupid, stupid people who wait until it is their turn to be xrayed before they even consider taking their overcoats off, checking for keys, phones etc. It cannot be long before murder is done."

It cannot be long before murder is done in my local Tesco soon either, the number of times I'm stuck behind the twat that bags the lot up before realising they don't know where they put their debit card.

On Taxis, I received a letter from the PCO today saying that London Taxis are "the best in the world". Seriously!

Shirking From Home said...


I flew on Air India just after one of their 747's ended up in the Atlantic off Ireland. The service was second to none as there were bugger all passengers. Upgrades-a-plenty.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

I wouldnt go there for a shit.
Fucking 1970's Benidorm with extra wogs.
My medical assistant assures me that and Singapore is a well run place (Chinese)
They had a problem with Indonesian muggers so stationed police snipers on roof tops and shot a few of the cunts.
That did the job.
We have African walruses throwing their weight about.

Old Holborn said...

Dick, wait until I rant about "Mini statement" woman at the cashpoint.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Very tempting OH, sadly Rab needs to work, plus its way way beyond the wifes driving range! I'm told fort william is a nice place, never been myself.

Thud said...

You paid to stay amongst this shit?...third world with money is still third world,you can't change fucking savages into people with the application of money no matter how large the amount.We need to make a glowing glass carpark out of the whole place...we can drill through the remnants at our leisure.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

" their cabaret, which consists of Bolshei trained stunners gyrating to a Casio keyboard and a bloke on guitar who hasn’t even plugged it in "
That's just what I found at the hotel Ali Baba, Agadir, Morocco c1985. Tried Marrakesh which was infested with dirty, ageing hippy ( western ) beggars.
Found relief in 'unspoiled' rural Taradaut which, charmingly, had turned its' Foreign Legion fortress into a splendid hotel where the elegant staff were most obliging.

OH, if you are visiting Fort William might I suggest you avoid The Grog & Gruel, 66 High Street where a man once said to me, somewhat aggressively, " I'm Scorttish, Ah git paid weekly !".

Anonymous said...

Beast Of Clerkenwell You are, as always, succinct and to the point but I find myself lost with " We have African walruses throwing their weight about."

OH "Fuck me, I was the only white man from Uxbridge to Earls court. What the fuck is going on in East London? Why bother flying to an Arab country when a quick ride through Mile End will suffice?"
That's the whole point mate, fill the place up with foreigners that the Public Sector is now allowed to discriminate in favour of when job creating/filling. Before long the entire Public Administration will be occupied by people who did not grow up in our Liberal Democracy and who would see a Police State as NORMAL. Our white NuLabour elite will be so surprised when their hands get bitten by those they feed. X-Assistant Commissioner Tarique Ghaffur was just the start.

I've never been to Dubai but the National Express Terminal at Heathrow would look tatty in Turnpike Lane, London N8. Fucking disgrace.

The Penguin said...

"Fuck me, I was the only white man from Uxbridge to Earls court. What the fuck is going on in East London? Why bother flying to an Arab country when a quick ride through Mile End will suffice?"

Much as hate pedantry, Uxbridge and Earls Court are both in West London.

The Penguin

Dave H said...

Ahhh... happy memories. In the picture that's me on the right.

"I like the liberal society. I like the tolerance."


Henry Crun said...

Caption: For fuck's sake Fatima, just smile for once.

WB said...

Best. Caption. Ever, HC.

B, first time here - got here by the Tuscan. Top site, mate.

I once spent 36 hours in Heathrow airport, and when I finally got a flight out and stumbled into my hotel in LA my luggage was there - and no one knew where I was going - I reckon they tapped the phones.

Anonymous said...

Lived in the UAE for 2 years, Dubai and Abu Dhabi. It has become a sex tourist destination. It is full of Russian, Chinese, Malaysian whores. The locals have a real taste for this, so make it easy for them to stay. The Western businessman and sex tourists are attracted to this. Candidly, it is a hell hole with awful, hypocritical people, but it knows what attracts foreign businessmen. Do the 60 year old, fat and bald men on the beach and in the clubs really believe that the young girls would give them a second look if they didnt have money? Same could be said of the Sand lizards.

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