Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Are you sitting comfortably?


Then I'll begin.


Not content with being quiet and having a few days off over Christmas, Gummint ministers and Pravda have decided to micromanage your Winterfest activities to remind you who is boss.



Ministers are warning about the dangers of gravy "exploding" in microwaves as they seek to cut the 80,000 accidents which happen in homes each Christmas.
A safety leaflet also warns of "tipsy guests crashing to the floor when they miss their seat at the dinner table".
About 150,000 of the Advent calendar-style leaflets are being handed out.
Minister Delyth Morgan said the aim was to remind people "of the small but important things parents can do" to avoid "a trip to the hospital".
The children's minister added: "The leaflet we've produced this Christmas will act as a reminder of the small but important things parents can do around the home to make sure Christmas is a time for fun and laughter, not tears."
The leaflet - called 'Tis the Season to be Careful - gives advice such as not leaving dregs of alcohol in glasses and also tells parents to be careful with candles and games with small pieces.
And it also warns that injuries in people's homes at Christmas can include people cutting themselves with knives in the rush to open presents and children riding new bikes into walls.
It also warns of "gravy exploding in microwave ovens, hot fat spilled on the cook trying to grapple with a big turkey and nasty cuts when chopping piles of vegetables".


How about this BBC and the Gummint? Just fuck off, mind your own fucking business and stop telling me what to fucking do, you cunts? Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking.


Bastards
UPDATE: It is not snow falling on your screen. It is flakes of skin and dried knob cheese falling from the tiny cock of Derek Draper as he furiously "stabs the cat" whilst reading my blog. Thank you

84 comments:

Robert the Biker said...

"Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking."
While riding a unicycle into the walls and singing "Old Mac Gordon is a cunt" presumably :)

Dungeekin said...

In all fairness - and as you know, I'm no fan of Pravda - they were reporting on this leaflet this morning and weren't exactly taking it very seriously.

However, I'm glad that the Goonvernment and RoSPA have produced it, as it's spectacularly good material...

I've therefore published my own version of Tis The Season To Be Careful from the Bethlehem Branch of RoSPA.

D

Chris said...

Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking.

Best. Uncle. EVER! :-)

vw: puntra - the sound of OH kicking a jobsworth orf the Farqham Hall estate.

Anonymous said...

You fools who oh so mock Grandma Morgan , mock verily mock away at your own peril , never mind that you might suffer the pain of having to visit the accident and emergency with a bit of blu-tac stuck up your nose or sellotape stuck to your thumb on christmas day , just follow Grannies advice and all is well with the world, i have recently purchased my live Turkey and with all good intentions did not want the risk of upsetting the kids on this festive season by strangling it in the front room and then taking it to the bathroom for plucking and gutting , i used what is left of my grey matter and gassed it first in the fireplace .. as for the small matter of the moving chair ? sorted that has been put aside especially for our Grandmas dinner place , it always makes the kids howl with laughter to see gran splayed out with her false teeth hanging out ?

So , don't be so quick to mock the afflicted like the good lady Delyth Morgan its free entertainment after all

Merry Christmas and keep it up . you have made he last year slightly more bearable .

Anonymous said...

There was also some bollocks on the radio this morning about how your average Christmas dinner contains too much salt. 11g or something so says the consensus for action on salt and health. Like I give a shit. I'm too pissed on beer and too high on drugs to give a fuck at that point in the day. Bunch of fucktards!

Cunted said...

Gravy exploding in the microwave!! WTF? You've gotta want it to, it's no fucking easy achievement. What utter, utter bollox. Surprised the cunts didn't warn about paper cuts and adorn the useless soon-to-be-litter with a fucking remember to recycle message.

Hope they all fucking die at the hand of the evil Bisto Kid - cunts.

Leg-iron said...

I'm going to spend ages trying to make gravy explode now. I had no idea it was possible.

As for juggling knives while smoking - surely you're not going to make them do that sober?

Ampers said...

Dungeekin said at 10:42 (and linked) he would write his own leaflet.

I followed the link and it was hilarious!!! Good one

Amps.

max the impaler said...

Robert the Biker...just loved 'old Mac Gorden is a cunt'...cann't stop laughing...it keeps playing in my head.Yep OH I am going 'safety elf' strangling on Boxing Day.

pagar said...

Reading your blog I saw white spots before my eyes and assumed they were caused by rising blood pressure as usual.

Then, when they didn't go away I finally realised they were digital fucking snowflakes.

You sentimental old bastard.

Merry Xmas!!!!!

The Penguin said...

I bet that fat cunt Bob (Not Too Bright) Quick is not sitting too comfortably this Christmas, what with the new arsehole someone senior tore him.

Now it seems that his wife's car hire business in not properly licensed. So that probably invalidates it's Insurance too. Hope it's properly registered for VAT.

Merry Christmas!!! Ho Ho Ho!!
The Penguin

Dr Dan H. said...

Mock if you like, but if you microwave an aqueous liquid like gravy, then you do stand a fair chance of managing to heat some parts of the liquid beyond boiling point, without it actually starting to boil.

When you take it out of the microwave, then the slightest disturbance, dust landing on it, stirring or whatever WILL give the liquid a site for steam bubbles to form on, and that'll make it explosively boil, or "bump" as chemists say.

When such a liquid bumps, you end up with viscous gunge flying everywhere, and when the stuff hits naked skin it sticks, and (this is important) more liquid sticks because of the viscosity than ordinary water, tea or whatever would do.

What it adds up to is that microwaving gravy is bloody dangerous if you overdo it, and if overdone gravy bumps the scalds from it are going to be a lot worse than for normal liquids.

Now, I've not seen gravy bump like this, but I've seen heated agar solution do it, and seen the effects on a colleague who ended up quite badly burned on her face from an accident like this.

So, whilst most of this nannying is irrelevant bollocks, the one example of microwaving gravy is most definitely not bollocks but a specific and well-known hazard, which makes it a pity that you chose it as an example.

Anonymous said...

They will see it as the acceptable face of control freakery. - See, Big Brother cares about you!

John said...

"Just for that, I am going to spend Christmas teaching my kids to juggle knives whilst smoking."

Brilliant.

Exploding gravy, my arse.

Ho Fucking Ho.

bofl said...

top tip...after putting a melon in the microwave for 10 minutes do not stick your dick in it immediately!

i hate labour said...

Your numbers are growing, OH. keep it up. Have you been to ,

http://labourhate.blog.co.uk

Nothing to do with me but worth promoting?

saucepan said...

So Dr Dan, if a little of my fag ash drops into my newly microwaved gravy it may explode? Hell, I'll have to give up gravy then.

Mitch said...

How much did this waste of trees cost us then?.

Anonymous said...

Dr Dan H , call me old fashioned and a bit of a tech geek .... but what's the fucking timer for ?

Yes, if the chef in question winds the timer up to two hours you can expect the bisto to resemble molten bastard lava .

PS . Can one microwave a turkey ?

Daisy said...

funny the differences in warnings...here they warn about fires started by hicks trying to deep fry turkeys...really...it's a site to see...cracks me up every year...i can't help it...some people are just too stupid to walk let alone deep fry a freakin turkey

Islander said...

Thanks for the tips, Dr Dan H. After some Boxing Day experimentation, I shall be using your advice when preparing the gravy for the next Cuntcil or Mayoral banquet.

Given the proper conditions, with any luck there may be fatalities.

Mrs Trellis (the real one) said...

I am with Dr Dan on this. I had a similar experience heating custard in a jug in the microwave. Took it out and it looked fine, not boiling or anything. Stuck a fork in to stir it and it exploded upwards as the fork tines gave a surface for the bubbles to form on. Very painful. Probably wouldn't have hurt so much had I been pissed at the time but sadly I was sober.

vw=guting !!

Anonymous said...

If Granny old bat was that concerned about our health and safety . then a good start would be to ban the sale of .... Bovril , Camp coffee, twiglets , and dark after fucking eight .

Back to the cooking lessons .. deep fried turkey eh ?

So how much lard does it take to fill an average size bathtub ?

And would it deep fry any quicker if you killed it first ?

Thud said...

I plan to start heavily indulging in all the pleasures of our Christian/heathen Christmas celebration in about 5 mins...happy in the knowledge that everything I do will annoy the govt and our Islamic brothers...merry christmas to OH and all here...fuck the rest.

Dick the Prick said...

Cheers Bofl - could have had a nasty accident there?

R Nosgrove said...

A Christmas market stall near me is selling gollywogs. Nice big well-made, well-stuffed ones with CE labels and everything.

I asked the woman if she'd had any complaints. She said one man had threatened to report her to the council so she told him to fuck off.

I bought two.

You've got to fight back where you can.

crackers said...

And you wonder why the Govt payroll rose by 14,000 in Q3 when 120,000 jobs went in private sector.

Why we dont all work for the Govt and call ourselves the USSBR(Union of Soviet Socialist British Republics). It is coming to that.

I am not joking.

Billy Wallace said...

The christmas market?????

We could all dress up as golleywogs.

who needs to wait until the 5th November 2009

Anonymous said...

Panic over, apparently the reason only 150,000 safety guides were dished out ( pun intended) and not 70,000,000 or so give or take a million was due to the simple fact that simpleton Minister Delyth Morgan resides in oafsville , so if you are one of those oafs who actually take any notice of the unsound advice then shame on fucking you .

I have now after absolutely no family meeting whatsoever or without any prior warning to my three daughters removed the sparkling angel from the top of the christmas tree ... and replaced it with a two foot golliwog , now thats what i call a merry christmas.

Nurse .

Happy chrimble to one and all .. now for another joint and large glass of absinth , before the Mother outlaw arrives . Oh the horror of it all ..

Stop the ride i want to get off .

Dennis said...

What? No advice about chihuahuas exploding in the microwave?

I have personal experience of this and find that 8 minutes 45 seconds on maximum power (800W) is usually enough for a most satisfactory bang.

Gareth said...

Anyone who has watched Under Siege will know how dangerous a microwave can be.

R Nosgrove said...

More bollocks from the Department for Stating the Bleedin' Obvious.

Those motorway signs that say 'Fog'. Perhaps at night they should say 'Dark'.

Bridge said...

I got a paper cut picking up the safety guide - who do I sue?

Dick the Prick said...

Remember peeps, when putting brandy on the Christmas pud, try not to immolate yourself or your family by using napalm.

Mitch said...

Can someone fetch(felch) that nice bloke Ed balls cos I`m afraid to climb my stairs without a risk assessment the problem is that the forms are in an envelope which I need a knife to open.....help me mr balls help me.....

Mitch said...

Men. remember when putting trousers on don't lift both feet off the ground at the same time.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

The Beast shot himself in the hand with an air"soft" pistol last night just to see how painful it was in preparation for a new year shootfest against opponents.
Its fucking painful!
What would our wonderful guvmint make of that?

Anonymous said...

The last word on turkeys .

A man was driving down the motor-way at 40 mph when a turkey cruised up beside him then shot ahead, bewildered the man accelerated and caught up with the turkey he is now doing 70 mph , again the turkey shot off ahead and ran up the slip road , now intrigued the man followed up the slip road and into the country roads after a while he spotted the turkey turning into a farmers yard , so now the man is more than inquisitive and follows it to the farm yard , where he spots it dashing into a big farm hanger . the farmer spots the man and asks what he is doing , the man explains about the turkey overtaking him on the motor-way and how he followed it to the farm . the farmer said to the man .. follow me and takes him to the big farm hanger, opens the door and shows him inside where there are hundreds of three legged turkeys .. the man scratching his head said , three legged turkeys , that accounts for the speed but what do they taste like.. i dunno said the farmer i have never fucking caught one ..!

Happy christmas again .. Oh this absinth is fucking lethal , no wonder Van Gogh cut his fucking ear off , another one of these and i will cut both my mother outlaws ears off , then her nose , followed by her tongue .

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

On another note
The Beast is in the "meeja" I was conversing with some unshaven twat at an agency asking why we couldnt have some lovely Gubbmint money for their campaigns.
The answer?
"To be honest Beast we just want to reach chavs/morons and your readership is too upscale"
The Gods honest truth.
Christ on a fucking bike.

fuchsia groan said...

Denis said What? No advice about chihuahuas exploding in the microwave?

Indeed. Nasty, dangerous things, microwaves. Microwaved food can give you cancer, so I read. The logical thing to do here is to ban microwaves. With rising unemployment, there is an opportunity for the govt to recruit an army of microwave inspectors. Each home must admit an inspector, on pain of a large fine for non-compliance. Possession of an illegal microwave could warrant 10 years in a NuLab gulag, coming soon, to deal with all the criminals NuLab's new laws have created, and the id card refuseniks.

Old Holborn said...

Beast, when is this turkey shoot supposed to be taking place, can I come and can I bring my Weihrauch HW57

bofl said...

a few years ago my mates mum worked in a+e at southend hospital...she would tell us some great stories......

one day a guy came in with a bottle of ok sauce rammed up his ringer....

as the nurses were extricating the bottle daves mum asked 'so how did it get there then?'

'well- i was standing on a table to change a light bulb and i slipped!'
replied the man.


still makes laugh 20 years on......
merry xmas to all.except brown blair kerry and any other big headed ego maniac cunts out there....who will hopefully die very long and painful deaths.soon...just off to do some voodoo!

Fat Squaddie said...

Fair play, OH, I think this is one of your best!! The post and comments have had me cackling like a cunt. Excellent work.

Merry Chrimbo to all and keep this in mind, the meaning of this time of year is to remember the birth of our Lord, the baby Jesus Christ (who died on the cross for our sins) and the best way of doing so is to get absolutely cunted every hour of every day from now until the moment you wake up in early January, balls deep in the cat.

Now, where's the whiskey?

FS

Anonymous said...

And another thing , i think i might have dropped a bollock , either its the methylated spirits that i am drinking or i have just contracted dyslexia , but i am not expecting too much under the christmas tree .

My good lady wife and far superior other half has just rechecked my letter to the Christmas Sky pixie and i got off to a bad start

Dear Satan ... ?

Tomrat said...

The mash sums it up best.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/britain-gets-the-stupid-christmas-advice-it-deserves-200812231476/

Certainly pandering to their clientelle.....

A merry christmas to you and your house OH.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

It's the time of year that all the fucking useless gummint departments and quangocracies go into overdrive in order to justfy their miserable, tax money leeching existance. Cunts. I hate this time of year as I work for one of the 'big four' supermarkets that everyone hates and blames for the demise of the high street etc, but they all shop at! I hasten to add I don't work for Tesco, they are bigger crooks than the gummint.

Anonymous said...

My wife is giving me lashings of tongue pie due to the fact ( and she might have point ) that i love the OH Blog site more than her .. even at christmas , well there is fuck all wrong with her eyesight anyway ?

As i was saying before i was so rudely interrupted .............errr Oh yes .. Political correct wickedness .

Well it is christmas , a man walked into his local with a dwarf who also had learning difficulties under his arm, the barman shouted to the man , how many more times have i told you to not bring him in here like that ... its not big and its not clever.

Is it all over yet ... happy new year I have the upmost respect for OH but apparently my wife thinks you are a wanker ... no offense

defender said...

"One could say that the British economy is like the pregnant virgin, in the very real sense that she's obviously been fucked but no-one's owning up to it."
Priceless from daily mash.

Merry Xmas to all here, make sure its a good one, maybe the last we have for fuck knows how long.
This equality shit is going toooo far. All equally destitute.

Merry Xmas all, except the Hoooons.

Anonymous said...

Lets hope the one eyed cunt stands right next to a microwave.

bofl said...

i wonder if glass eyes explode when put in a microwave?

old h..could you ask kerry for me?

Anonymous said...

Oh shit , you mentioned the eye now you have got me started .

Cyclops has a very good excuse for being totally blind in one eye , but he plainly can't see fuck all out of the other one either .

I have sent cyclops one of them portable golf ball cleaners .. you know just in case he gets some grit in the glass one at an inconvenient time , my dream is that he will one day pop it back in back to front and face the worlds cameras resembling the bloke from Kung Fu whose only words of wisdom was 'Glasshopper it started in America '

OH, my wife no longer thinks you are a wanker, you have moved up the scale to ' family life wrecker '

Anonymous said...

Microwave gravy? You lazy cunts, it's supposed to be fresh, or all the cooking sherry/antifreeze will evaporate.

There's no finer sight than a half a gallon of burnt flour and onion coming to table with a haze of boiling alcohol shimmering on top.

Old Holborn said...

Defender

"One could say that the British economy is like the pregnant virgin, in the very real sense that she's obviously been fucked but no-one's owning up to it."

Let's all be hoping for a miracle

Old Holborn said...

"There's no finer sight than a half a gallon of burnt flour and onion coming to table with a haze of boiling alcohol shimmering on top."

Add half a tin of Winalot. I really did this to the ex in laws, the cunts.

Cato said...

This is totally off topic but I had to say this on my blog.

Having heard of the film 'V for Vendetta' from Old Holborn's Blog some couple of months ago, I watched his 'walk' in London with a considerable degree of interest. My empathy with his cause was then fledgling.
The other night, the above mentioned film was shown on TV but for reasons I forget, I missed it.

Thus, I ordered a copy, and the paperback, from Amazon.

Tonight I watched it.

WOW!! What a staggering film! It says every damned thing about what is wrong with this country and the ways in which our individual freedoms are being daily eroded.

Truly, we have walked into this with our eyes wide shut.

Tonight, I fledged!

If you read this, then watch the film, read the book and think.

Anonymous said...

What kind of Chav makes microwave gravy?

Old Holborn said...

Cato,

Welcome to the club

Now we need you to be as angry as we are.

Watch it again. It's that good.

England prevails.

defender said...

Did you know
sugar mixed with petrol burns like fuck, especially brown sugar.
Seen it at work in an earlier life, two tablespoons to a liter bottle, shake well and whoalla have some of that ye bastards.
Mind you health and safty rules require a fire appliance on site.

Speaking of elf an safety, OH my heads fucked with that snow shite, dosent mix well with Southern Comfort in the raw.
Fuckin boss eyed me

microdave said...

"Add half a tin of Winalot. I really did this to the ex in laws, the cunts."

Is that why they are now "Ex" in laws?

Anonymous said...

Excuse my never ending ignorance , but the more i learn the less i fucking know .. maybe its an age thing .
Anyway can you cook / roast / bake or WTF ever you do to marshmellows either in or around a microwave !

Yeah ..thats fucking got you all ain't it !

Anonymous said...

.
Police sent on two-hour course to learn to climb 3ft ladder.

1. Shouldn't it be an intelligence test?

2. If any copper falls off, or, injures him/her-self, shouldn't the person that hired him/her be given marching orders?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/3900310/Police-sent-on-two-hour-course-to-learn-to-climb-3ft-ladder.html

mad manc cunt said...

I've watched V for vendetta 5 times and the end bit on you tube about a thousand. I love it. If I wasn't such a keyboard hard man i'd probably cry!
The 1812 overture gives me a hard on.
Anyway back on topic. Showed the wife your latest post. FFS! She thinks they have a good point. Why? Because she once burnt her hand after nuking the gravy in the microwave for 5 minutes then putting a spoon in it straight away to stir it.
Seriously, she's being binned after chrimbo.
Told her not to worry, not her fault she is a thick tit and the only thing that will be exploding over her this christmas will be my baubles! Although from her reply will probably be exploding them over my right hand.

Mitch said...

More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice, and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever be forgot.


It cannot be said better.

Anonymous said...

Police sent on two-hour course to learn to climb 3ft ladder ?

Correct and straight after new year they will learn how to climb backdown , fucking halfwits

black hole sunset said...

O/T: Motor City, now so bad that ... some offenders, notably those without homes of their own, were now expressing reluctance to leave jail when their sentences were done.

Naff car companies haven't folded yet either.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Entering into the Christmas spirit, M & S are enforcing a 19th century explosives law which regulates the sale of gunpowder by banning the sale of Xmas crackers to children.
This is all well and stupid so far as it goes but retailers are forbidden to sell age limited products ( booze, tobacco etc ) to adults if they reasonably expect that those goods will be passed to children.

So who do M & S reasonably expect Mum and Dad to pull their crackers with on Christmas Day ? Hoons.

Merry Christmas from a Gratefull none customer.

bofl said...

isn't it wonderful that posters here have had a rich and varied life?

away from the b/s of govt and elf and safety and all the other corrupt shite..........

ffs the twin towers in kuala lumpar were built with bamboo scaffolds!!!!!!

9 million feet high those boys didnt give a rats arse!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now back on topic....a few years ago a female aquaintance wasnt sure if the iron she was using was hot........

so she put her tongue on it!!!!!!!!

which was a result for everyone else because she had to keep her cavern closed for weeks!

Little Lord Mandelpoof said...

The Creation of a Hoon

7 men with knowledge so fine , created a Hoon for their design.
1st was carpenter strong & bold,
using a hammer & chisel he gave it a hole.
2nd was a butcher strong with wit , using a knife he gave it a clit.
3rd was a tailor tall & thin , using red velvelt he lined it within.
4th was a hunter short & stout , using fox fur he lined it without.
5th was a preacher whose name was mcgee,
touched it & blessed it & said it could pee.
6th was a fisherman mean as hell,
threw in a fish & gave it a smell.
7th was a sailor dirty little runt,
fucked it & sucked it & called it a Cunt.

black hole sunset said...

bofl: "isn't it wonderful that posters here have had a rich and varied life?"

Yup, my formative years consisted of making gunpowder (back when packets of saltpeter and sulphur could be bought by a 12 year old at the local chemist without question - on a regular basis!), bows, crossbows (one of which had a spring steel arch), throwing stars (aluminium, steel), boomerangs (wood, perspex, aluminium, steel) and generally filling an old gardening atomiser with parafin and then setting fire to anything that hadn't already been reduced to charcole (it is a fitting irony that charcole was the final ingredient required for gunpowder production). I also did a nice line in Lego guns based on a very powerful spring that I harvested from the inlet vacuum sensor of an old 5 series BMW.

All I needed was a regular supply of interesting car parts and an occasional visit to Halford to stock up on batteries, bulbs and wire.

Never did me any harm - well that's not strictly true, sulphur burns hurt like hell but I never hurt anyone but myself.

Anonymous said...

Slightly off-topic OH,but I noticed in the 'Senior Politician in e-mail scam' section of Kerry's blog that she's written 'The majority of Somalis in the UK have arrived as refugees,so nothing to do with immigration policy'.I thought she claimed they were either EU citizens or from Cardiff?!?

i hate labour said...

70 hits, OH. Does this mean that if Guido's gets done over by Dollycuckold we can carry on here as normal? Suits me but I still want to fight to keep Guido alive and well. No David Kelly Shenanigans. Bastard Labour criminals.

The Penguin said...

The only possible way to improve on "V for Vendetta" (the film) would be to add in a very worthwhile and well deserved kicking for the academic establishment who have trashed our once excellent education system.

The Penguin

Dick the Prick said...

bofl - she put her tongue on it??? Who the fuck are you hanging about with? No government leaflet's gonna stop that lass. What a wolly.

IUnknown said...

I have now after absolutely no family meeting whatsoever or without any prior warning to my three daughters removed the sparkling angel from the top of the christmas tree ... and replaced it with a two foot golliwog , now thats what i call a merry christmas.


Fantastic! I just choked on a mouthful of Vimto and Listerine, or Tesco Value Whisky to give it its proper name.

I thought the deep fried turkey was the stuff of legends, but here is a vid showing pyrotechnics in action:

youtube

Have a Merry Chrismas all.

Dave H. said...

"I don't claim to speak for the estimated 250,000 vegans in the UK (and I suspect that figure's a bit over-stated) but I think it's important to make clear that I, for one, think that these people are idiots, dangerous idiots."

(Kerry)

Am I alone in thinking she's insulting vegans?

Daisy said...

see daisy didn't lie about the deep fried turkey...lmao...you should see it when a house or shed go up and how every jumps around...there is always someone filming the incident...oh wait...that was wrong of me to smile while i typed that, wasn't it?

yellowbelly said...

black hole sunset said...
bofl: "isn't it wonderful that posters here have had a rich and varied life?"

Yup, my formative years consisted of making gunpowder (back when packets of saltpeter and sulphur could be bought by a 12 year old at the local chemist without question - on a regular basis!), bows, crossbows (one of which had a spring steel arch), throwing stars (aluminium, steel), boomerangs (wood, perspex, aluminium, steel) and generally filling an old gardening atomiser with parafin and then setting fire to anything that hadn't already been reduced to charcole (it is a fitting irony that charcole was the final ingredient required for gunpowder production). I also did a nice line in Lego guns based on a very powerful spring that I harvested from the inlet vacuum sensor of an old 5 series BMW.

All I needed was a regular supply of interesting car parts and an occasional visit to Halford to stock up on batteries, bulbs and wire.

Never did me any harm - well that's not strictly true, sulphur burns hurt like hell but I never hurt anyone but myself.

24 December 2008 00:09

===

God, that brings back memories, I used to make my own as well, the old 3:2:1 ratio, wasn't it, from memory? Used to be great, placing a quantity in the frog of a brick, placing another one on top, and using a strip of magnesium (obtained from the school chemistry lab, like the other ingredients) as a fuse. what a bang!

yellowbelly said...

Oops, just thought, will I be getting a visit from (make a)Quick, Bob and his mates for giving away that information?

Anonymous said...

Just for the record , the two foot golliwog is still on the top of the 7 foot xmas tree and this is for several reasons .
(a) i have hidden the stepladders in the loft and locked it so thats the three daughters out of the equation.
(b) my wife is shorter than my eldest daughter , so if my math is correct she is also out of the running.
(c) my Mother outlaw has rheumatism ( everywhere apparently) even in her ears , and has advanced dementia , so whilst the old bat can remember being taken from behind the bike sheds in 1918 , and although she is also approximately 8 feet away from a tree 7 feet tall and with enough trinkets , baubles , chocolate father Christmases to sink a bastard battleship not too mention the several thousand 500 watt xmas lights which change color every 10 nano fucking seconds she hasn't the first fucking clue where or what it is ?

(d) and just to be extra sure that it will still be there upon me awaking from yet another self inflicted drunken stupor, i have used a whole roll of duck tape and stapled it on .

And another thing

"I don't claim to speak for the estimated 250,000 vegans in the UK (and I suspect that figure's a bit over-stated) but I think it's important to make clear that I, for one, think that these people are idiots, dangerous idiots."

(Kerry)

Am I alone in thinking she's insulting vegans?

I have no problems with Vegans as such , i couldn't eat a whole one, but fuck it i will give it a go

Anonymous said...

After getting bored playing with my golliwog in the early hours and then my methylated spirits ran out .

I plagiarized Charles Dickens ( again its a tad long ) but hey , if you don't like it ... fucking delete it .

here goes nothing.
CHARLES DICKENS CHRISTMAS INSIGHT
24.12.08, 12:07pm
Stave I:James Gordon Browns Ghost


The Ghost of Jacob Marley visits Scrooge
Christmas Eve, seven years to the day after the Political removal of his business and partner in crime , Ebenezer Phony Blair, Scrooge Brown and his downtrodden clerk Bob Darling Cratchit are at work in Scrooge Browns counting-house. Scrooge's nephew, Ed swivel eyes Balls, arrives with seasonal greetings and an invitation to Christmas dinner, but Scrooge dismisses him with "Bah! Humbug!", declaring that Christmas is a fraud. Two gentlemen collecting charitable donations for the poor are likewise rebuffed by Scrooge Brown who insists that the poor laws and workhouses are sufficient to care for the poor, and that "If they would rather die [than go there], they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population". so Scrooge Brown orders for many more workhouses to be built . As he and his clerk prepare to leave, he grudgingly permits Bob Darling Cratchit one day's paid holiday the following day, but the morning after Christmas he must be there on time, otherwise there will be a deduction from his wages of sixpence, but to counter the financial loss , bung in a dodgy receipt for a couple of hundred to lessen the blow.
Scrooge Brown returns to his former home at number 10 Downing street only to be barred from entry by a PCSO , Scrooge Brown calls up an old friend family pet Jaqui Spliff and in no time at all along comes Mr Commissar Quick for the Scotland of the Yard to have word in the PSCO's shell-like , once this piece of illegality was undertaken Scrooge Browns wanders to his last place of residence , upon Scrooge Brown peering into the windows with his one good eye, all he found was cheerless rooms in an otherwise deserted building, and a series of supernatural experiences begins. His doorknocker appears to transform into Call me daves face; a "locomotive hearse" seems to mount the dark stairs ahead of him; the pictures on the tiles in his fireplace transform into images of Cherie Blairs face. Finally all the bells in the house ring loudly, there is a clanking of chains in the bed and on the floor, and the ghost of Christmas past Phony Blair passes through the closed door into the room.
The ghost warns Scrooge Brown that if he does not change his ways, he will suffer the same fate, but Scrooge Browns fate would be even worse. He will walk the earth eternally after death, invisible among his fellow men, Scrooge Browns ( replies well no change there then) burdened with chains, seeing the misery and suffering Scrooge Brown could have alleviated in his life , and chose not too , he was now powerless to intervene. the Country and Nation is ruined beyond repair and its all Americas fault , Scrooge Browns only chance of redemption: three spirits will visit him on successive hours that night, and they may help change him and save him from his fate Political wilderness followed by burning at the stake ,as the ghost of christmas past Phony Blair leaves, Scrooge Brown gets a nightmare glimpse of the tormented spectres who drift unseen among the living, first it was Tessa Jowell followed by the wailing and spooky sight of a clown ! but wait its worse its Hazel Blears , shattered, he falls into bed.
Stave II: The First of the Three Spirits


Scrooge Brown attempts to extinguish the Ghost of Christmas Past by placing an eye patch over his one good eye and wearing ear defenders but to no avail.
There is a new Ghost of Christmas Past, a strange mixture of young and old, male and female, with a light shining from the crown of its head, appears at the stroke of one it hit Scrooge Brown like bolt of lightening ... its the Dark Lord Meddelesom come back to haunt him ? It leads Scrooge Brown on a journey to some of his past Christmases, where events shaped his life and character. He sees his late sister Fan, who intervened to rescue him from lonely exile as Chancellor of the exchequer and, recalling his recent treatment of the Nation as a whole, Scrooge Brown feels the first stirrings of regret. They revisit a merry Christmas party given by Fezziwig, Scrooge's kind apprentice-master Harriet Harmen and Scrooge Brown thinks guiltily of his own behaviour toward Bob Darling Cratchit. Finally, he is reminded how his love of money lost him the love of his life, Power and the EU , and the happiness this cost him. Furious, Scrooge Brown turns on the spirit, tries to snuff it like a candle with its cap, and finds himself crumpling up in his bed sheets and wakes up feeling remorseful for at least 5 minutes.
Stave III: The Second of the Three Spirits


The Ghost of Christmas Present call me Dave with Ebenezer Scrooge Brown
Scrooge Brown wakes at the stroke of one in the afternoon confused to find it is still night . too many drinks at the free Westminster bar Scrooge Brown ponders with regret. After a time he rises and finds the second spirit, the Ghost of Christmas Present Call me Dave in an adjoining room, on a throne made of Christmas food and drink recently bought up from the well stocked Palace of Westminster wine cellars by Flunkies who used to serve him with so much servility, This spirit, a great genial man in a green coat lined with the rubber from discarded fireman's wellington boots, takes him through the bustling streets of London on the current Christmas morning, sprinkling the essence of Christmas onto the unhappy & almost suicidal populace. They observe the meagre but happy Christmas celebrations of the Bob Darling Cratchit family and the sweet nature of their "forgotten" son Tiny Tim Ed swivel eyed Balls and when the Spirit foretells an early death for the child if things remain unchanged, Scrooge Brown is unaffected in anyway, in fact he is totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever . He is shown what others think of him: No nothing , still a totally blank look , anyway the Cratchits toast him, but reluctantly, and "a shadow was cast over the Zanulabour party for a full five minutes". Scrooge's nephew and his friends gently mock his miserly behaviour at their Christmas party, but Jack the Frost Straw maintains his uncle's potential for change, and Scrooge Brown demonstrates a childlike enjoyment of the celebrations. by howling like a demented banshee.
They travel far and wide, and see how even the most wretched of people mark Christmas in some way, whatever their circumstances. so they travel in an armored car to Haringey where The Ghost of christmas past Phony Blair, however, grows visibly older, and explains he must die that night. He shows Scrooge two pitiful children huddled under his robes who personify the major causes of suffering in the world, one was Romanian and the other an Iraqi Kurd pickpocket "Ignorance" and "Want", with a grim warning that the former is especially harmful. At the end of the visitation, the bell strikes twelve. The Ghost of Christmas Present call me Dave vanishes and the third spirit appears to Scrooge Brown
Stave IV: The Last of the Three Spirits


Scrooge Brown and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come Manuel Barrosso
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come Manual Barrosso takes the form of a grim spectre, robed in black, who does not speak English very well and whose body is entirely hidden except for one pointing hand. This spirit frightens Scrooge Brown more than the others, and harrows him with a vision of an European Super State, future Christmas with the Bob Darling Cratchit family bereft of Tiny Tim Ed swivel eyed Balls, A rich miser, whose death saddens nobody and whose home and corpse have been robbed by ghoulish attendants working for the local Stasi council is revealed to be Scrooge Brown himself: this is the fate that awaits him. Without it explicitly being said, Scrooge Brown is to become a PCSO , Scrooge learns that he can avoid the future he has been shown and alter the fate of Tiny Tim Ed Swivel eyed Balls but only if he changes. Weeping, out of his one good eye he swears to do so, in fact he was so serious about this that he made a pledge to have a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty ,and awakes to find that all three spirits have visited in just one night, and that it is the Christmas morning.
Stave V: The End of It
Scrooge Brown changes his life and reverts to the generous, kind-hearted soul he was in his youth before he turned into a raging Marxist totalitarian Trotsky Zanu Labour unelected Leader . He anonymously sends the Bob Darling Cratchits the biggest turkey in the butcher shop, and sends the expenses receipt to us the charity workers, so Scrooge Brown pledges an unspecified but impressive amount of money to all his mates and anyone who is not actually English and works for a living and spends Christmas Day as a family.
The next day Scrooge catches his clerk arriving late and reverts back to his old miserly self, before revealing his old person to a not so surprised Bob Darling Cratchit. He assists Bob and his family, becomes an adopted uncle to Tiny Tim,Ed swivel eyes Balls and gains a reputation as a kind and generous man who embodies the spirit of all and sundry .... as long as they vote for Labour .

The End .. and please give me some credit good or bad .. do you realize how long its taken me to plagiarize this from Mr Dickens

Happy Christmas

black hole sunset said...

yellowbelly: "God, that brings back memories ... Oops, just thought ..."

42 days of "assisting the police with their hallucinogenic, crypto-fascist romps down self empowerment lane" for the both of us.

They're as macho as gay pornstars - but only for as long as they think they're the only ones that are armed to the f'ing teeth.

Funny that =)

Thanks for reminding me of the simple joy that can be had from a stash of magnesium strips. Final and irrefutable proof of the intervention of God in human affairs.

If it were up to me, chemistry sets for the under 10s would consist solely of a small sample of pre-made gunpowder (to provide that initial "inspiration"), a huge quantity of the ingredients of gunpowder, instructions for the production of said, a 20m drum of magnesium ribbon and a handful of disposable lighters.

Meanwhile, back in the (drab) real world.

No shit - better go and stab someone instead.

anon: "CHARLES DICKENS CHRISTMAS INSIGHT"

A good effort, but far too sympathetic - it fails to capture the essentially malignant and parasitic nature of the Great Leader.

All must suffer, as he does, at the hands of his inferiority complex. He will sink the ship rather than see it go on without him.

Anonymous said...

Blackhole sunset.

Thanks for the feedback , you will all probably be just a tad relieved that ' Charles Dickens Plagiarism' part I or was it part II , will be my last attempt at becoming a world famous author , so you complete bastards thanks for the undying fucking interest anyway .

Fucking hell it stinks of piss in this hostel but the Meths are in a plentiful supply .

Have a good one , and i wish Kerry a shit christmas and i really hope her Halal goat is so under fucking cooked that she contracts something no less serious than emboli or anthrax .. ( can you get anthrax from raw meat) and if not why fucking not .

black hole sunset said...

@Anon

To be fair, it's a tough thing to try and write "shit lips" McBoom into an existing work of fiction because real stories either have the good guys winning or the bad guys being reformed in some way.

No such balance is to be found in the real McBoom story - we get fucked into the poverty and Broon retires into a life of perpetual denial and goldplated handouts.

What a statesman, how brave and high minded (he'll say to himself).

Anonymous said...

this is a test

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