Thursday, 13 November 2008

Stop that. Now. All of you.

Yup. Of course.

They want to stop you smoking, they want to stop you drinking, they want to stop you eating a burger and now they want to stop you dancing.

The Police in London can now ban any musical activity they like if they do not receive the correct paperwork, including:

Full form here

That’s right. If you go down to the pub to watch some Sunday Lunchtime Jazz with a pint and a bag of dry roasted nuts, the musicians must have completed a risk assessment and be registered with the police 14 days prior to the event.

(data records of Hippy Dave on guitar and Mad Bill on the Banjo kept for six years after the lunchtime jam session)

Or what? I thought. Well, the Police can simply close down your venue

Quote of the day from Detective Superintendent Dave Eyles from the Met's clubs and vice office.

"Music promotions attract people who have a propensity to use violence. That's not speculation. We have a duty to prevent that from happening."

I wonder they are going to ban next?

Stupid, stupid cunts.


The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

If you came into a boozer frequented by The Beast and you then whipped out your organ(electronic) Im pretty sure violence would ensue.
Word veri "Choter"
Is this another gay activity?

Stop Common Purpose said...

Common Purpose control freaks at work. Stop Common Purpose

mc_nebula said...

For fucks sake, this just gets worse and worse. What next? Will we have to fill out forms in triplicate every time we want to take a piss?

Anonymous said...

Jazz should require a license, anything that sounds like two tomcats in a dustbin being whacked by a baseball bat should be regulated!

In my opinion.

The Penguin said...

I'll be sending out the Taking A Piss Regulation Forms later, there's been a bit of trouble at the printers, where all the machines have been commandeered by the Snot Gobbler to print bank notes.

The Penguin
Penguinus Wouldikidyou

mad dave's madder brother's uncle said...

To whom it may concern.

I hereby state I wish to make use of (read and comment) on Old Holborn's blog. I am lead to believe he tinkers with the odd organ now and again when not drinking, annoying PCSOs and using gutter obsenities to all who try to restrict His freedoms.

Please refer back to me upon receipt or His successful registration risk assesment so that I can enter his establishment and (enjoy)?!? any entertainment provided.

ps - Note: I am white/male and thus DO NOT dance, except when blind drunk and then more often than not collapse with violent propensity upon the buffet table.

Anonymous said...

'I wonder they are going to ban next?'


They're dangerous you know. And a Peanut Licence with ID chip and fingerprints would be needed to use them, in a sealed off area with peanut warnings printed on A5 stickers.....

Old Holborn said...

It's fairly obvious to me that this has been directed at "Musique Noir" and youth.

Although, as if by magic:

UK Music chief Feargal Sharkey told a House of Commons select committee that the policy had already been used to pull the plug on an afternoon charity concert of school bands in a public park organised by a local councillor.

"No alcohol would be sold, tickets were limited to three maximum, and the councillor offered to supply eight registered doormen. Police objected on the grounds that the names, addresses and dates of birth of the young performer could not be provided," said Sharkey, speaking to the Department of Culture Media and Sport's hearing on venue licensing today."

a londoner said...

Has Boris appointed a new Met Police Commissioner yet? If not, could he please find some tough right wing inclined bastard who will tell these interfering fuckwits to piss off back to the canteen and leave us alone.

Guthrum said...

Similar experience, just about to post on it

bofl said...

in the 1950's youngsters like bill haley and elvis presley were going to bring down western society.....

where do these wankers come from?

John Pickworth said...

I'm reliably informed that Jacqui Smith has issued an entry visa for Mr Bin Laden and his two Taliban friends... provided they promise not to smoke in public, reduce their salt intake, fully close the wheelie bin lid and refrain from playing any musical instruments.

I understand Mr Bin Laden has since decided not to visit our quaint totalitarian island and holiday at home instead.

Tuscan Tony said...

Sad. Though I do know know what "bashment" is, so something good has come of it.

woman on a raft said...

It emerged locally that you need a separate specified licence for a poetry reading, as that is 'spoken' and counts as 'theatre'. A very dangerous group of middle-aged ne'er do wells were going to do that dreadful thing of reading out the poems they wrote at the back of the pub.

The landlord gave the feeble excuse that he had neglected to apply for a licence in time and so to prevent danger to the public from Vogon poetry (which is pretty dangerous) he regretted that anybody who even started 'The boy stood on the burning deck' was going to be slung out before they caused a riot and banned as a right trouble-maker who might get him closed down.

I am not making this up.

John Pickworth said...

Woman on a Raft can be confirmed as not insane or under the influence:

Poetry group banned from pub by council on health and safety grounds

geewiz said...

So, if a busker doesn't have the correct forms filled in, will they close down the offending Tube station? pfft

useless cunts.

lilith said...

There goes the Acoustic Night at the local, there goes the folk jam sessions, there goes the choir practice and the school's Taliban Time.

John Pickworth said...


Next they'll be banning multiple wives...

Oh, really, they did that already?

lilith said...

j p I think polygamy is ok if you are on the dole and you married the wives somewhere else where it's legal.

Anonymous said...


Don't worry about this one. It's just a rouse to find out who Clayton Blizzard actually is.

He knows they're coming for him:


Anonymous said...

@ Beast

Sorry for delay, work and that.


the space (line) from a guy's balls to his dick; used in place of ass (lick my ass), balls (lick my balls), etc.
lick my choter.

Submitted by sara, CA, USA. < where your crunch started lol.

wv sqiscrot

John Pickworth said...

j p I think polygamy is ok if you are on the dole and you married the wives somewhere else where it's legal.

Yeah I've heard that.

Anyway, I was just joking before... I'm actually gay with a foreign BF (but don't tell OH because he might not approve). I'd maybe trade him in for a bunch of wives but there's no way I'd claim the dole on principle.

ranter said...

Not being an aficianado of 'Le Musique Noir de Jeaunesse' nor am I a 'gangsta rappa' therefore I couldn't care less if da bruvvers SLAUGHTER each other every night of the week, as long as they don't hurt anyone else outside da comoonnittee.
As for poets........!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Well, spot on ranter old boy!! I'd even make a contribution towards the bullets. Fuck 'em.

Billy Wallace said...

Killemallletgodsortemout said..

Well, spot on ranter old boy!! I'd even make a contribution towards the bullets.

and I'll use my piece....and pull the fucking

Dave said...

A comment sent in by "Osho" in the Guardian in response to this article

Dear Ms Featherstone
I think the people who should truly say sorry for such events are the opinion leaders of the Guardian. Please allow me to explain.

Last week I visited (as a doctor) a family in a council estate. The mother was concerned about her 12 year old son. She was very pleased that her older son was now on incapacity and would therefore do well for himself in terms of money. There is nothing wrong with this older boy that makes him incapacitated, but that is another story. She also had a 14 year old daughter, who while I was there, constantly argued with her mother demanding money for cigarettes. The three children had three different fathers, all absent. The kids, while I could see were still children, gleamed with malignant insolence. I can see them turning into damaged adults. I feel sorry for the trap they are in – the trap created directly by the welfare state whereby the family, and all those in the neighbourhood, see welfare as a lifestyle option. They live in squalor but have more wealth than most people I knew in India; they certainly have more material comforts than I ever had growing up in Delhi.

The Guardian describes such families as poor. The Labour party wants to throw money at the family. The Guardian readers blame Margaret Thatcher for this state of affairs, smug in their modern pieties, their intellectual laziness, and their stupidity masquerading as sanctimonious concern. I used to work with slum children in Delhi; they had very little, but even the most physically disabled amongst them made an effort.

There is no hope for Britian. Civilisations dont die, they commit suicide. And before they commit suicide, they read and believe the Guardian.

I truly and deeply feel sorry for all the children who are the victims of the welfare state. Things are much, much worse for the slum children in India, I saw more dignity among them and certainly greater hope.

I am not sure if you will understand this message. I am too tired to explain further. Either you will get or you wont. Either way, it will make no difference to anything

Old Holborn said...

Some real quality here

Thank you.

Dave, India is my second home and I can really relate to the post in the Grauniad.

I just watched Rich Girl, Poor Girl on TV. A 5 year old child was sleeping on the filthy floor because he had no bed in his 100% welfare financed flat. Next to an ashtray used by his mother and 17 year old sister, in front of a TV showing Sky, whilst they flicked through the Argos catalogue.

Old Holborn said...


Polygamy is legal if you marry your brides in an Islamic country. You can even claim benefit for them.

If you're really lucky, you can avoid a speeding ban so that you can visit them both

Anonymous said...

I bet they'd allow you to preform the "L'Internationale" without permission.

Leg-iron said...

I remember pubs that had pianos in them. Anyone could have a go - if you were any good (not me) you could bash those keys all night long and all the wrinkled toothless wenches would sing along. Some had surprisingly good voices.

That must now be illegal, unless everyone in the pub has been DNA-checked for terrorist genes.

After soaking up a bit of beer, spontaneous filthy ballads would sometimes start up. Nobody in the pub ever objected, but now they'll all need to be fingerprinted to determine whether or not they are violent. Because, as everyone knows, that's how you can tell.

I hate karaoke. All the same, it's the right of any drunken groaner to believe they sound like Frank Sinatra, and I wouldn't be the one to tell them they sound more like a brace of cats tied to saucepans and dropped into a lift shaft. There are other pubs, if it gets too bad. I wouldn't want karaoke banned. I don't like it but a lot of people do.

Since I won't do karaoke (can't sing a note) I will presumably be spared the indignity of rectal examinations for hidden harmonicas used for terrorist renditions of protest songs. Gassy beer reveals who has them anyway.

No smoking in pubs, no singing, no dancing and soon no drinking.

Nothing is allowed to be spontaneous unless approved four weeks in advance. Drink measures will decrease, alcohol content will decrease to the point where we'll be paying children for black market gripe water, fat and salt will be forcibly extracted from food until everything tastes like diet chicken.

Displays of mirth and enjoyment will result in public floggings at which nobody is allowed to raise their voices or use any term stronger than 'Bounder'.

As for smoking, well, the indoor smoking ban will be extended to those wearing hats.

And the public soak it all up and nod in sage agreement at each ludicrous pronouncement. They are, most of them, nothing more than a herd of docile cattle.

Well, herds can be made to stampede.

Just a few prods here and there...

woman on a raft said...

Ahem. A poem, by me.

A Wild Night Out with the
Dead Quiet Poets Society

Sipping his water
Billy turned to me
"Aye" he sighed "aye"
"Aye" sighed I "aye"
We went outside for a fag
And watched the moon glide
Silently by.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

anon 18:39 @ Beast re chotter, more accurately = Perineum.

WomanOAR, poetry in motion, thanks V. much.

Back O/T what will they ban next ?
Food-U-Like that's what.
Reported last week in DT, some dull local authority ( Redbridge or somewhere like that ) is imposing food facism on Greasy Spoon food vans who will be obliged to offer veggie and toffu burgers/with rice/sidesalad to truckers, biker boys and nightclubbers.

The operators of such vans are legally required to be licensed by said local authorities and so will be in no position to argue but, being forced to stock stuff that their clients do not want will, eventually, put them out of business.
I dislike beefburgers, hotdogs and wotnot but dislike local authorities who abuse their power even more.

Anonymous said...

Old Holborn
Re: "Dear Ms Featherstone
I think the people who should truly say sorry for such events are the opinion leaders of the Guardian. Please allow me to explain." from the Indian Doctor, posted by Dave 22:28.
That really is quite splendid, can you think of ways of giving it grater exposure.

WV = subjude, wrong topic, should be on a Baby P one.

electro-kevin said...

Nice Poem, WoaR.

They just love to show us who's boss.

electro-kevin said...

If I can't laugh, dance and sing ...

... it makes for a much happier neighbourhood !

Stuart said...

Hi Guys

In my spare time, I'm on the the committee of the Chichester Real Ale and Jazz festival and it's a miracle that we're still allowed to run it.

No more jazz ( but 28 glorious years, over 7,500 punters every year and no arrests. Zilch. Not one.

We can't be alone. The Met Policeman is wrong. There is no causal correlation between live music and disorder.


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