Thursday, 20 November 2008

Somali Pirates Hijack Bristol

Bristol City Centre yesterday

In a daring move, 20,000 Somali Pirates have invaded Bristol and demanded a ransom of £300 a week each, forever (including free houses and schools, medical care and benefits). This equates to £6 Million a week or £312 Million a year, far in excess of their largest heist so far, the hijacking of the Sirius Star and demands for a paltry $25 Million ransom .

Negotiations are being led by Kerry McCarthy (MP for Bristol East) who is keen to understand “cultural differences”. Kerry says on her blog:

“I have unlimited money available. God knows where it comes from but every time I spend it, the coffers just fill up again. I like diversity in Bristol, innit. This is proof that when people come to Britain from Somalia, they can really show ambition and drive”

Plans for the city of Bristol to be anchored off the Somali Coast whilst negotiations continue are well advanced and the welfare of the two UK citizens of Bristol amongst the 416,000 hostages is unknown. (Reuters)


ranter said...

That Kerry McCarthy is a piece of work isn't she? No argument or question properly responded to, straight out with the cry 'RACIST' instead. Dreadful.

Old Holborn said...


It has been revealed by Mrs Darling, that Alistair, her son has spent ALL his pocket money on the very first day of the holidays down at the arcade on Clacton seafront. Instead of putting a little bit aside and budgeting for ice creams, donkey rides, postcards and a bucket and spade, Alistair blew the whole lot in just an hour on a slot machine.

"He won't be getting any more, the fucking idiot" said Mrs Darling

Anonymous said...

What a class A bitch.

idle said...

Are you SURE those are recently arrived Somali pirates?

I had a drink and a smoke in the garden of a pub near Bristol Templemeads last month and the scene was exactly the same. I assumed my visit had coincided with a break in rehearsals for the Bristol Old Vic's panto.

Roctopus said...

I think I just pissed my shorts.

(The post verification on this is 'honiste')

pagar said...

Brilliant OH.

You're a one man Daily Mash on steroids!!!

The Penguin said...

Advice from older hands appreciated, is going too far?

The Penguin

Old Holborn said...


Bleach my eyes, bleach my eyes!

The Penguin said...

Kerry McCarthy doesn't want to sully her dainty self with deigning to reply but has asked that I issue the following statement on her behalf.

"Following the disgraceful responsibility of the original inhabitants of Bristol who grew bloated and rich on the wicked wicked slave trade this entirely reasonable and proportionate act by these brave freedom fighters from the oppressed former colony is only to be expected and indeed welcomed in this new caring multi-cultural nirvana that we have brought to you courtesy of a few wars and a lot of CCTV camers, together with 32 stealth taxes and and end to boom and bust."

The Penguin

Billy Wallace said...

Where is the S.A.S. when you need them.

killemallletgodsortemout said...


Is McCarthy back in England? I thought she was on a permanent taxpayer-funded jolly.

verif: slutbitch

whowantsabraindeadbimboforMP said...

Excellent OH! Maybe 'The Camp of the Saints' is the next freebie for 'John' Kerry McCarthite? She should be forced to read it aloud nightly on 'Book at Bedtime'!

Basil Brown said...

Whenever I feel my reservoir of hatred for venal traiterous nulabor is running low, I head over to Mzz McCarthy's smug little Friends-Bar for a fill-up.

Which, I expect, makes me a dirty howwid waycist too.

Fred Bloggs said...

You are a complete arsehole. Enough said by Fred.

swindon_alan said...

I don't know whether she has been 'done to death' (eurgh, I wouldn't mate, not even with yours...), but dear Kerry's lifting of the lid has made her 1984 response thread available for comments again.

Just saying like.

swindon_alan said...

Incidentally OH, I've lined you up for a sponsored dinner date with Her McCarthyness. Go on, you know you want to.

John Pickworth said...

I hear an Indian warship has been sighted in the Bristol Channel.

AngryDave said...

There are great career opprotunities for somali's in Bristol. You only need to take a drive through the Easton area of the city to see them watching over their prostitutes and dealing drugs.
They have been so succesful, that they have nearly put their Yardie rivals out of business.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Some years ago Bruv and his girlfiend were thinking of moving to Bristol ( coz it's not London ) So I took them on a tour of the leafier suburbs, lunch on the Harbourside and wot-not; it was getting late on that hot Sunday afternoon so we headed for the M32 but I 'accidentally' strayed into St. Pauls.
They decided against moving there. LOLZ.
That was years ago, can't imagine what it's like now.

Bristol Dave said...


Is McCarthy back in England? I thought she was on a permanent taxpayer-funded jolly.

I think you're confusing her with Shirley Marshall who as far as anyone can tell lives in Florida with her husband, but still collects a full councillor's allowance. She supposedly comes back to the UK just often enough that she remains eligable to be a Member, although I've heard reports that when she's marked as "Present" on Council meeting minutes, she's nowhere to be seen on the webcast.

I'll be doing a blog post on her later today, I think. Thanks for reminding me.

Thud said...

I must admit that a few years back it was rather fun to see the newly arrived somalis here in liverpool terrorise our local long established drug dealing black population.The local fake Jamaicans seemed rather surprised when they were on the recieving end of some African solidarity.After 23 years of living in the area I decided to move..these people can not be argued with.

Rog said...

Excellent post OH!

As one of the seemingly dwindling band of non-pirates in Bristol, I can confirm the situation is entirely as indicated.

Incidentally, treat those ONS stats with a dry lake bed of salt.

There are bloody thousands of Somalis that have appeared here in the last decade.

Happily though, they are all to a man/woman/horde-of-kids excellent people, all striving to make this fair city a Nu-Lab showpiece.

Chalcedon said...

20,000 third world opportunities for deportation I reckon. So how did they get into our little island to claim asylum? On a hijacked tanker? Or through a safe EU country such as France? Kerry should realise that tens of millions of us don't want them here.

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Akvavitix said...

Banana jawed bandy legged knock kneed mutant leftie slapper. Hateful bitch to boot and now has a criminal record too.

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