Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Pointless Jobs Competition

Here, you will find 574 Job vacancies.

Let's see who can find the most ridiculous one.

(PS, I've already found Lambeth council advertising for a "Welfare Take Up Officer")


idle said...

Head of Delivery DEPT FOR COMMUNITIES & LOCAL GOVERNMENT | London | c80k plus benefits

As local delivery jobs pay £24,000 pa, this is very attractive. Presumably they will supply a van.

Anonymous said...

OK you win. I cannot find a job that has the care and welfare of children as its mission statement.

The Great Simpleton said...

From the one you spotted - £30k to

"Helping you to claim what is rightfully yours"

I'll bet they haven't got somebody whose JD is to "kick you off your fat arse in to work"

PS word verification is suckl (on the teat of the tax payer!)

SaltedSlug said...

Engagement & Partnership Manager

* London
* £55,151 - £63,935

FFS, that's a couple of bobbies worth, isn't it?

Chris said...

Senior Corporate Policy and Performance Officer (two posts)

Contract: Permanent
Hours: Full Time
Salary: £27,594 to £29,728 (pay award pending)

And I haven't a clue from reading the job description what these people would actually *do* all day.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Someone to advocate domestic violence, perhaps?

wv: th(r)eat ... how apt!

Obnoxio The Clown said...

A manager for a team that goes around impairing people's senses?

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Zest Hub Co-ordinator? WTF?

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Someone to look after the region's corridors?

wv: schoom - sounds like a corridor hoover!

Old Holborn said...

They need new jobs to hide the 50 illegal immigrant traffic wardens they hired

Read and WEEP

Obnoxio The Clown said...

What do these cunts need a marketing manager for?

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Fucking hell, there's a lot of jobs going for over £100K per annum there.

Do we really need all these overpaid cuntwafts?

Old Holborn said...

Of course we do Obo.
Think of them as shepherds looking after sheep.

7 MILLION shepherds

SaltedSlug said...

Just searched for just £100K+ and found

Assistant Chief Executive
* Oldham
* £120k - £140k

Executive Director People, Communities & Society

* Oldham
* £130k - £140k

Executive Director Economy, Place & Skills

* Oldham
* £130k - £140k

Executive Director Performance, Capacity & Services

* Oldham
* £130k - £140k

There a sudden demand for Executive directors in Oldham then?

Stuart said...

Six figures: http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/769362/group-director/

I'm going to apply for this senior cat-herding role. I'm pretty well qualified so I'll let you know how I get on, but of course I don't expect much as a white middle-class, middle-aged male.

Andy said...

How abouth this one - working for those cunts at Harringey - Fairly sick considering poo Peter

Reference: HMS/3761
Location: North London
Industry:Government - Local government
Social care - General
Social care - Youth work
Contract: Permanent
Hours: Full Time
Salary: £28,434 - £30,003 per annum

Old Holborn said...

My next compo will be for the most ridiculous degree course.

I've already found many courses in "aromatherapy", just searching for "Essex Clay Pots of the Neo Georgian Period" and "Post Graduate Courses in "Black Awareness"".

What fun

John Pickworth said...

I did see one last year for a Prime Minister - internal applicants only!

Posted on a Broadmoor notice board.


The Penguin said...


Special rules required for immigrants, apparently...

The Penguin

sex worker engagement officer said...

Saltedslug - how ill you know the beauty of local government - I'll bet you 10-1 it's a post review advert for the same cunts to get a pay rise.

kev g said...

Integrated Working Workforce Development Manager

Employer: LONDON BOROUGH OF SUTTON Posted: 03 Nov 2008
Reference: R658/G006

Ex-Pat Alfie said...

I make it 573 not including that
"Welfare Take Up Officer"

returnoftheheroes said...

Strategic Joint Commissioning Manager - Teenage Pregnancy, Sexual Health & Substance Misuse,

all for 42 K a year

Think the title ticks all the good key words needed.

Angry Frank said...

I love the sound of this one, I bet you can be a right cnut and reorganise everything:

Strategic Director of Places

* Posted: 28 Oct 2008
* Contact: Nick Raper
* Location: Cheshire East
* Industry:
o Environment - Waste management
o Government - Local government
o Government - Policy
o Housing - General
o Senior executive - Government
* Contract: Permanent
* Hours: Full Time
* Salary: £114,000 per annum
Can you take us to the next level?

Hell yeah!

This brand new unitary authority presents a fantastic opportunity to implement major transformation within the context of re-organisation. We have appointed our Chief Executive and 1 of our 2 Strategic Directors and now seek a further exceptional leader to join our Corporate Management Team.

You will lead the management of a range of services including planning, transportation, community safety, strategic housing, waste, environmental protection and all street scene activities. You will take a "whole place" approach and actively engage with the community to give people the opportunity to influence and shape the places in which they live. You will also be responsible for effectively marketing Cheshire East and attracting businesses, visitors and investors to the area as a desirable place in order to promote economic development.

You will have highly developed leadership and interpersonal skills and have the ability to transform service delivery and motivate and inspire others inside and outside the organisation to deliver high quality and cost effective services.

To find out more about this exciting opportunity, visit our recruitment website http://www.cheshireeastrecruitment.com or talk to our advising consultants, Nick Raper (0113 205 6076) or Graham Goodwin (0113 205 6075).

Closing date for applications: Friday 21st November 2008


Cheshire East Council

I'm off to phone Nick Raper now!

Damo Mackerel said...

Walk, Jog & Cycle Development Officer
Salary: £21,000 per annum
("The successful candidate will have excellent communication skills and the ability to empathise with vulnerable members of the community for whom physical activity can be daunting.")

...from Haringey.

kev g said...

Once more, with feeling:


I know I'm exploiting a structural ambiguity here, but WTF does a non-working workforce look like?

The London Borough of Sutton, presumably. Doh!

John Pickworth said...

"The successful candidate will have excellent communication skills and the ability to empathise with vulnerable members of the community for whom physical activity can be daunting."



Neal Asher said...

'Domestic Abuse Co-Ordinator'

"No no no, kick her in the guts AFTER you've stamped on her face!"

Shirking From Home said...

FFS, they are complete non-jobs. £114 grand for rearranging deck chairs. These bastards need throttling.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Search " child safety"/any area/any salary
Found 1 job in government > local government in the UK containing the words: "child safety"

Qualified Social Worker HAYS SOCIAL CARE | £20 - £25 per hour
Found 9 jobs in government > local government in the UK containing the words: "outreach"

Arabic-Speaking Outreach Worker ROYAL BOROUGH OF KENSINGTON AND CHELSEA | Kensington and Chelsea | Up to £26,600 pro-rata

Children's Centre Outreach Specialists - Domestic Violence LONDON BOROUGH OF LAMBETH | Based at Woodmansterne and Brixton Centres | SO1: Spine Point 29-31 (£26,928 -...

Children's Centre Outreach Specialists - Fathers LONDON BOROUGH OF LAMBETH | Stockwell and The Weir Link Centres | SO1: Spine Point 29-31 (£26,928 -...

Children's Centre Outreach Specialists - Portuguese LONDON BOROUGH OF LAMBETH | St Stephen's Centre | SO1: Spine Point 29-31 (£26,928 -...

Children's Centre Outreach Specialists - Special Educational Needs LONDON BOROUGH OF LAMBETH | Based at Lark Hall and Maytree Centres | SO1: Spine Point 29-31 (£26,928 -...

Children's Centre Outreach Specialists - Employment and Training LONDON BOROUGH OF LAMBETH | Brixton, Lark Hall and Treehouse Centres | SO1: Spine Point 29-31 (£26,928 -...

Community Relations Manager XCHANGETEAM LTD | £30000 - £32000 per annum +...

Social Worker TELFORD AND WREKIN COUNCIL | Telford & Wrekin | £20,591 - £28,270

Senior Team Officer Programme Team - Health and Well-Being Team SURREY COUNTY COUNCIL | Redhill | SP9 £21,208 - £25,314

Found 39 jobs in government > local government in the UK containing the words: "equality"

bofl said...

Domestic Abuse Partnership Support Officer
Reference ACS4116HK
Hours 37
Salary £38,463.00 to £44,584.00
Level 10
Term Full Time
Group Care/Social Work
Location Southend Police Station
Closing Date 28 November 2008

Help us Tackle domestic abuse.

Here in Southend, we’re transforming the way we deal with domestic abuse in order to save more lives. We need someone special who can work strategically, supporting our local multi-agency partnership. It’s essential that you have the ability to communicate effectively with people at all levels, from front-line practitioners to senior officers. You will be the central point of expertise and knowledge and you’ll be well placed to raise awareness of the very real and immediate effects of domestic violence across our community.

As well as understanding how work areas such as alcohol and drugs, mental health and specific ethnicity issues often overlap, you’ll also appreciate what this means to those involved in the domestic abuse arena. In fact, with your up-to-date knowledge of the Government’s domestic abuse agenda, strategy and requirements, and national best practice models, you’ll provide critical advice to the Forum and its member organisations.

For further information on this role, please contact Simon Ford, Partnership Manager Community Satefy, on 01702 215185.

Interviews scheduled for Wednesday 10th December 2008.

Application pack for the above post is available from the Customer Contact Centre, Civic Centre, Victoria Avenue, Southend-on-Sea SS2 6ER or telephone on 01702 215000 to obtain a pack.

The opening hours are 8.45am - 5.15pm Monday to Friday. Please quote reference.

Application packs are available in alternative formats.

This authority is committed to safeguarding and promoting the welfare of children, young people and vulnerable adults and expects all staff and volunteers to share this commitment.

We are an Equal Opportunities Employer

Safe – clean – healthy – prosperous – excellent – Creating a better Southend

Anonymous said...

''Domestic Abuse Co-Ordinator'

"No no no, kick her in the guts AFTER you've stamped on her face!"'

Coffee >>>>>>>>> monitor.

Anonymous said...

"Change Management Specialist"

'this project will develop and deliver an approach to driving behaviour change'

obviously must be a common purpose graduate for this one

ranter said...

Environmental Health Officers have been renamed ENVIRONMENTAL CRIME WARDENS?????????????????????????

wank coordinator said...

Damo - i'd laugh if i wasn't paying for it.

Anonymous said...

The one thing, indeed, the key to all of these jobs is, NO NORMAL PERSON STANDS A FUCKING CHANCE. Quite simply you have to be steeped and formed in the QUANGO world of local government non jobs to have a clue what the talentless fuckwit (who will either give you the job or not) is looking for. It's like a kind of uber freemasonry - simply if you don't talk the talk they know you are an outsider and you will not be allowed in.

Anonymous said...

This from S1 Jobs.com :

John Wheatley College - Make a Real Difference

Equality and Diversity Advisor

(SS/05/11/08) £23,491 - £25,156

You will work with a wide range of managers and staff to further develop and embed equality and diversity within all aspects of the College including functions, policies and procedures, systems and services. You should possess skills and experience in this field or a similar field and be willing to undertake relevant qualifications and develop experience over-time to provide advice on equality and diversity to College management and Board of Management. It is anticipated that the post holder will have or be willing to develop specific skills and experience in the areas of equality and diversity.

Old Holborn said...

Did you know that over 10,500 NHS managers have pension pots of over £1 MILLION?

You and I bought them those.

Anonymous said...

Its obscene when the people who pay these peoples wages wont even get close to these kinds of wages themselves.

I agree about the quango comment, you do have to be basically a Labour voting 'Quangonite' to get on.

There is something very wrong when we are paying someone 114k to sit in meetings all day...

sharon shoesmith said...

Whoa there anon 17.08 - I don't sit in meetings all day - I bitch and bully underlings out of jobs too. How fucking rude?

Johnathon Ross said...

sit and talk all day? I could do that, you fucking cunts

Anonymous said...

What the fuck ... I give up !
Thats it, im going to become a chav,apparently thats good money too.
Word Ver: cunhitst - Im sure theres a hidden message there somewhere.

electro-kevin said...

OH, did you know that there is a revolt taking place against the BBC licence fee ?

They're trying to keep a lid on it but apparently hundreds have declined to pay as 'conscientious objectors'

I think this is the way to go.

My letter of refusal to renew is in the post to the Beeb.

A smack in the mouth for the Left-wing propoganda machine.

They can't prosecute us all and they know it.

electro-kevin said...

Write to: BBC, PO Box 1922, Glasgow G2 3WT

Calfy said...

"Community Safety and Policy Victims Manager"

Hopefully to help out all the victims of NuLab policy?

bofl said...

how about not paying our council tax?

i seem to remember that a few years ago when council workers pensions were a bit short(which they surely must be again after what has happened to the stock market in the last 12 months) they put it up.....to pay for the council staff!

in other words joe bloggs had his pension decimated and then had to pay to top up council workers!

A disgrace..........

wake up! we are all being fucked!

swindon_alan said...

This is just absolute insanity. Why the fuck do these jobs even exist, let alone have people doing them?

Tell me how productive they really are? What do they actually achieve that has value? Do they MAKE anything? Do they directly enhance our surroundings?

Do they repair the roads, do they clean the outside of our historic buildings, do they pick up the dog shit from the park where my children play? Well no, they don't BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY SHOULD BE DOING.

Fucking wankers.

Dennis said...

Social Disorder Liaison Officer, Three Rivers District Council:

Your role will include working with staff across Three Rivers District Council, Hertfordshire County Council, Hertfordshire Constabulary, Housing Associations and other agencies to gather evidence in relation to anti-social behaviour and to successfully apply for Anti-Social Behaviour Orders. This may involve cracking a few skulls and threatening witnesses and victims of crime and disorder.

You will have the drive, skills and abilities to deliver results and ideally you will have had some experience of anti-social behaviour casework in the public or voluntary sector. You will be an expert in close combat and the use of automatic weapons. You will also have previous experience of fabricating evidence and falsifying statements. You will need a full driving licence and access to an armoured vehicle and be able to attend meetings at any hour of the day or night.

Those with experience of mercenary activities in West Africa are particularly invited to attend.

Three Rivers - Investors in People

Blue Eyes said...

I live in the People's Republic of Lambeth and I can vouch for the fact that the Council Tax bill comes with a leaflet explaining all the ways that the bill can be avoided legally.

For some reason it makes having to pay it that little bit more galling.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget that this Government allowed and encouraged 'employers' ( ie especially public bodies ) to discriminate in favour of minorities and wimmin.
Which is why such jobs will come to be dominated by them.

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