Monday, 17 November 2008

OH Guide to Parenthood.

Print off and hand to pregnant Chavs.

A dining table. Buy one. Sit and eat every meal at it. All of you. Together

A book. Fill your house with them. Read them to your kids when you put them to bed. Not Dvd’s, not PS3’s, not a Wii. Books. They cost 2p in the charity shop.

A cooker. Cook dinner on it. Put some food in it. Eat it at your dinner table. Together.

A park. Take your kids there. As a “family”. Often. It’s free.

A school. Your child will spend 11 years of it’s life there. Make sure it is worthwhile. They could get run over by a bus tomorrow. It’s free

Bedtime. Send your children there at 8pm and read them a story. It’s free

Do not hit each other, do not get drunk in front of the kids and turn the telly off occasionally. Do not treat the dog better than your kids. Your kids are the most precious things you will ever possess. More than your sovereign rings, your prize pitbull, your carp fishing rods, your tanning spray, your hair straighteners and your Escort Cabriolet.

Get used to staying in, drinking at home, looking at an ugly wife, being skint. Get used to hard work, sleepless nights, endless cleaning, eternal noise and everything you value being smashed, eaten, puked on or “going missing”.

It’s called Parenthood. And it’s worth every second. If you don't want it, keep your fucking legs crossed.


John Pickworth said...

You need to add...

And if an angry man knocks on your door to complain your kid just 'keyed' his car; ground the runt, empty his piggybank and apologise to the man profusely.

electro-kevin said...

Hear hear on all of that, OH.

Neal Asher said...

After smacking the runt around the earhole until his eyeballs are vibrating.

wayne slob said...

You fookin luuking at my Stella?

captain skint said...

OH - WTF happened there then? Here, hare here!

Chris said...

Admirable sentiments OH, but much too late. You know what the functional definition of a Chav is among our crowd? Someone who just won't be told.

"No don't nick that car/£uc& that 14 y.o. girl/blow your job off to smoke dope/knife that person coz they dissed you/play your crap music at 2am/mouth off at that copper); it'll only end badly."

Darren Chav didn't get the training to see that actions have consequences, and now doesn't have the sense to listen. Sometimes you get one who turns into a human being when he's away from his mates; mostly they're just tossers.

wv: hycalion. There's a word that needs a definition.

Anonymous said...

Or if you've got a few quid give em to a nanny to look after, then once they stop pissing and shitting themselves pack them of to boarding school for anal sex.

Never did me any harm.

Old Holborn said...


Find those who wouldn't DARE act like that in front of Nanna.

You wouldn't believe the people from forums I didn't know could exist that have wandered through here in the last three days.

They are ALL angry

Watch them

The Pop Song said...

Good day, Holborn.

Never been here before, but I am quite impressed with your writings. Let me give you a bit of information about me.

I am from Liverpool, born and raised, and after completing school, I elected to work with my father. My dad worked (...and still does) 33 miles away in Manchester, where he travels at 5:30 every morning, to work his bollocks off for shite pay.

He doesn't complain, neither did I. He's worked there for 17 years, I worked there for 11.

Last year, I had enough, pooled my savings, rented out my house and began to travel across South America - A cultural journey, if you will.

13 months on, I am still here, engaged to a doctor, and I miss certain aspects of home (Of which I am proud), but the very thought of the youth in the UK really makes me want to not arrive.

I speak to friends in Liverpool often, who tell me that it's worse than ever, all over. What can we do?

The media which addresses these people have feeds their behaviour. Mere minutes away from my house, Rhys Jones was shot, six weeks before I left. For what? A set of dilapidated shops which I never even went to (a 2 minute walk away from my front door).

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I never voted. Maybe this is my punishment.

A (quite famous) friend of mine told me that he won't travel on a bus again, until they bring back National Service. Is this an answer?

I spoken to two elderly gents: my next door neighbour and my grandfather. One hated it, the other loved it. None ever smoked weed outside the ASDA, or posted videos of themselves with guns (Even if it was in Korea, not The Fir Tree pub.)

My young fiancée and I will be taking a trip to visit my parents in some months, and I only hope that the social underbelly don't scare her away.

Sweet Cheeks said...

OH...Your wife is not ugly...just warped a bit from those darn fire starting kids of yours. And believe me, they'll get theirs when they have their own brats that break all their stuff. Then you can chuckle.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

The Suns petition to get Baby P.s professional helpers sacked

I've signed.

it's either banned or compulsory said...


above URL should end ... 12.ece

woman on a raft said...

Popsong 00:33

Bearing witness matters. If you don't tell it like you saw it, who will? Who can? We'll have to rely on either Shameless or Paul O'Grady and they are both sentimental fabrications.

You've immediately established that at least two people in Liverpool work for a living, and that one of them has by legal means managed to earn enough to see the world. Now everybody knows it can be done. It's not easy, but it's not impossible.

Ken Loach will never make a documentary about you. Mike Leigh will never fictionalize your life. You are successful and so you are of no interest to them - in fact, you are a reproach to the Toynbees who would much prefer you to be jacking up round the back of a burnt-out garage somewhere, so that they can polish their halos with your skin.

You've already proved that geography isn't destiny. Good. More, please.

Brad Cohen said...

Theres an easy solution to the chav threat, just don't be a coward and kick the fuck out of any of them that give you grief, if you're too soft to deal with the consequences or to dish out a slapping to an ill-nourished ratboy you don't deserve peace and quiet. They only thing these scum understand is violence, but its not like they're individually hard or organised, they'd still be peasants if it wasn't for their middle-class apologists, they can't organise themselves or not betray one another, we could reduce them back to their natural serf status if the rest of society would just grow a set.

Dick Puddlecote said...

"A school. Your child will spend 11 years of it’s life there. Make sure it is worthwhile."

... or even, 'Make sure they go through the gates every morning'

Anonymous said...

Abondon the baby at the gates of a hospital, police station, orphanage or nunnery.
Use a condom next time, get a vasectomy and use a condom next time as well, just in case.

Anonymous said...

Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks
Or knackered Converse
Or tracky bottoms tucked in socks
But all of that's what the point is not
The points thats there ain't no romance around there
And there's the truth that they can't see
They'd probably like to throw a punch at me
And if you could only see them, then you would agree
Agree that there ain't no romance around there

You know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell 'em if you like
We'll tell 'em all tonight
They'll never listen
'Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

And over there there's broken bones
There's only music, so that there's new ringtones
And it don't take no Sherlock Holmes
To see it's a little different around here

Don't get me wrong, oh there's boys in bands
And kids who like to scrap with pool cues in their hands
And just cause he's had a coupla cans
He thinks it's alright to act like a dickhead

Don't you know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell em if you like
We'll tell em all tonight
They'll never listen
'Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

I said no!
Oh no!
Oh you won't get me to go!
Anywhere, said anywhere.
No, i won't go!
Oh no, no!

Well over there there's friends of mine
What can I say, I've known 'em for a long long time
And yeah they might overstep the line
But i you just cannot get angry in the same way
Not in the same way
Not in the same way
Oh no, oh no no

John Pickworth said...

woman on a raft said...

Bearing witness matters.

It does, absolutely it does. There used to be the much bandied phrase of "The silent majority"... its about time we brought that back and reminded people its time for them to speak up.

Some of us have started to do that; some graphically so in the cases of 'Steve' and 'popsong'. Ordinary people who dared to say "No".

It's important to tell these stories too, because for far too long the vacuum has been filled by the bleeding-heart liberals and their gritty justifications for their own warped beliefs.

The real inspirational hero's are people like Norwegian explorer Fridtjof Nansen not the wastes of oxygen like Big Dave down the park who once spent 2 days in the nick giving the Rozza's some grief.

But if we don't shout it out, no one will hear and the world won't change.


Brad Cohen said...

Theres an easy solution to the chav threat, just don't be a coward and kick the f**k out of any of them...

While I wouldn't suggest a random orgy of smacking the smirks off the faces of these low lifes, your point is a good one.

I decided long ago that I wasn't going to take it any more - from either the punks in the street or from officialdom. If someone tries to steal from me I'm going to ruin their day. When the warden/council/police dish out a ticket its automatically challenged in court. Thus far, I've won every encounter but the message is simple; leave me alone and I'll leave you alone.

I'm not brave, just sick of being pushed around. My default response is to always say "No"! If that's not enough we'll go to the next level... and if necessary the one after that.

The truth is, both the thug and the official like easy targets... my suggestion is you don't allow yourself to be one. Resist.

Roctopus said...

Kids are twats.

Roctopus said...

Oops, I'm a bit late, sorry. I came across the video on the BBC and I was a bit peeved, I never noticed the earlier entry.

I sometimes wonder if, hypothetically, a boardmember of Barnardos was on the Tube after a hard day's meetings, and some oik came up and belted him one, taking his laptop, would he still feel the same of the UK's "Demonization of children?"

Roctopus said...

disa said...


Ado 16 said...

Excellent guide! The car of choice now though has to be a Citroen Saxo, surely?

Best wishes

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