Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Foot Massage for Yobs

Let me through! I'm an aromatherapist!

Just when you think you can't take anymore, some fucker puts another straw on your back.

Now one of my pet hates (amongst the other millions) is "complimentary therapy". What it usually means is some unemployable old hag, her husband long gone, no skills whatsoever decides she needs to "do something", takes up a publicly funded course in aromatherapy and then sets herself up a an Indian head massage specialist in some remote welsh village, living off benefits and EU grants. Fine, do what you want, I say

But no, they've got to fucking organise themselves and set up a "charity". To help us poor normal people who take an aspirin when we have a headache rather than rubbing two zebra bones together whilst chanting through our noses.

And of course, where there is money, you'll find one. Just as a tapeworm silently sucks at it's host, dig deep and wherever public money is available, you will find a pube haired, sandal wearing middle aged woman with too many cats ranting on about the benefits of Lavender Oil or ear candles.

Bingo. Got one. Lambeth council (who else you ask?) have decided to pump £90K straight at a bunch of witches to wait for it....massage the feet of unruly pupils.

That's right. An army of "reflexologists" will work their way through 74 schools in Lambeth to (and I quote) "tend to children".

  1. They are going to get stabbed or shot. This is Lambeth. Deepest darkest Lambeth.

  2. You do not teach children to behave by massaging their feet. Mankind is 2 million years old and has not needed foot massage to control unruly youth, so why now? All species teach their offspring to behave by giving them a clout round the ear if they step out of line.

  3. The "charity" doing all this useless bollocks is a classic Lee Jasper public money sponge, staffed by the sort of people who like expenses paid trips to Africa every three months to "research" new herbs.

It's all bollocks. I confidently predict that within one year, this will be hailed an enormous success and rolled out to prisons where rapists, murderers and child killers can "de-stress" at the taxpayers expense with a nice relaxing Rieki massage from Willow Huntingdon Smythe (Member of the Institute of Stupid Old Bags waving scented candles about).

Utter cock. I'm off to punch a hippy.


Lord Elvis of Paisley said...

It'd be funny if it wasn't true.

Chalcedon said...

I nearly died from utter despair yesterday when I read this bollox. I suggested a clip round the ear or a good caning for these yobs. Pain is the only method of getting their attention unfortunately.

Dave said...

Robert A Heinlein wrote to the effect that all young boys should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole until they are house trained.
I think he's going soft.

Dad Mzungu said...

Don't knock the old zebra bones therapy!

Mild Colonial Boy, Esq. said...

The bastindo is only type of foot massage the little yobs should be receiving.

Mild Colonial Boy, Esq. said...

Oops, that should be bastinado

the world has gone fucking mad said...

I would imagine that the Kray twins would not have been half as bad had an occasional foot massage been administered, and burning candles may have led to them becoming priests or vicars.

woman on a raft said...

Not priests or vicars, but perhaps
honest drag queens.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

The Beast is with colonial
As a child the only thing I understood was a damn good thrashing.
I still enjoy them.

lilith said...

Excuse me, but I'm a middle aged witch peddling quackery and I can't get any bloody charity to pay for it...however, the thought of sticking needles in teenage boys...I'm going to give them a ring.

You are Gillian Gilbert and I claim my £5

Dave said...

Are they expecting unrest in the US?

It's just as well we don't have any more soldiers or enough guns to go round, or your walk tomorrow may be seriously curtailed

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Lilith I though of you (+:

Anonymous said...

Have you seen the fucking pictures on the charity link ? It doesn't look like a single one of those tofu munching cunts has ever seen anything like a days work EVER !
I'll vote for any party theat suggests culling such unneccessary detritus

Blue Eyes said...

I AM SO ANGRY! I live in Lambeth and I get emails from my councillor asking "how should we spend x thousand best this year" I always reply "stop wasting my money and cut my taxes". This takes the piss completely.

Philip Thomas said...

Hmmm, I seeing a window for opportunistic paedophiles here.

Still, the important thing is that reflexology works...oh wait.

Mark Wadsworth said...

"complementary", actually. Otherwise agreed.

John Pickworth said...

Philip Thomas said...
Hmmm, I seeing a window for opportunistic paedophiles here.

Already on it.

I'll be calling up my local comprehensive (sorry, Academy) tomorrow to see if they have any unruly teeeange boys they want massaging.

Not sure the best time to arrange my therapy sessions. Should it be the morning when the little darlings are still 'weeded up' from the night before or after their lunch time can of Stella? Any Head Teachers here able to advise?

Natually, I wouldn't want to disrupt any important schooling during say 'Relationships' or 'Benefits 101' so I assume I might be slotted in the time table allotted to Maths, Science or History? I would have suggested during English but I know that's been dropped from the syllabus now.

Okay, must dash... need to download some claim forms for the funding. I'm providing this valuable service for nothing.

Nancy Savino said...

Hello, we have massage tables and chairs for sale, great for the adult industry! http://www.serenitymassagesupply.com

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