Sunday, 26 October 2008

A trip to the Barbers


I went to the barber’s yesterday. Nothing remarkable in that, except that the barber’s has just opened and I was his first customer.

£10 to keep my rugged looks was a bargain, I thought.

Turns out the guy is Turkish, speaks two words of English (Boss, 5) and is obviously straight off the boat from Istanbul. Now, when I’m travelling to weird places, I always make a point of visiting the barbers in some weird challenge to the HIV virus. I’ve had my head massaged in Kashmir and my stubble scraped in Marakesh, but I didn’t expect what I got in Braintree.

Face shaved. Not just my beard. All of it.
Eyebrows trimmed
Nose hair trimmed (!)
Ear hair trimmed
Neck shaved

Then came the best bit. Mustafa picks up a FLAMING TORCH doused in meths. Interesting, I thought. What’s he gonna do with that? Sterilise the comb?

Nope, the fucker sets fire to my ears. Really. Sets fire to them. I doesn’t hurt because it’s so quick and whoosh!, every last errant hair from my ears is gone. Took ten years off me, the misses says.

Now, as I said, I’m used to weird stuff because I get out a lot, but I have a sneaking suspicion Mustafa is going to get a very different reaction from the tattooed, Stella belching, sovereign ringed apes of Braintree when he tries to set fire to their ears.
Note: Photo above is from a Polish haidressers. Really

35 comments:

Martin said...

That's some lovely cleavage on the girl there.

Don't think I'll be paying this guy a visit. Sounds too Sweeney Todd for my liking. I'll stick with my Italian guy. He actually speaks English for a start/
.

Old Holborn said...

Apparently, there's a barbers in Russia where the girls have to wear Lingerie.

Brilliant.

http://englishrussia.com/?p=1275#more-1275

TheFatBigot said...

FatBigot Towers is close to the main Turkish area in north London. The eyebrow and nosehair trimming is par for the course at Turkish barbers. Not all of them engage in the aural inferno but the really really skillful ones burn off nose hairs as well as ear fluff; it's quite an experience.

An old barber's trick for gentlemen with less than a full thatch was to burn the hair on the balding area raher than cut it. Known as a "singe" it would give the appearance of the remaining hair being thicker. If you ever see a jar of tall white wax-coated spills in a barbershop you know he is armed with the necessary equipment to give you a singe.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

So where is this guy, OH? I fancy getting the Full Turkish.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

ahahahha
Brilliant
THE BEAST hs his locks trimmed by two Eastern European trollops just off Abbey Rd £8 no immolation.
A bargain

kilod said...

The Beast should note there is a photo of him wearing a startlingly orange shirt at the same barbers:
http://korzik.net/uploads/posts/1156541362____pra.jpg

Tuscan Tony said...

OK I'm on for this - where?!?

Old Holborn said...

TT,

The mad razor weilding Turk? Or the cleavaged bint?

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I wonder if this would work on my arse ? Im sure it can`t be as dangerous as shaving it. May have to use petrol though as ive drank all the meths.

Scrobs said...

Blimey FatBiggers, that brings back memories...

The barber in Hastings used to do singeing, and he told me years ago that he had a customer who demanded a singe first, then had a haircut afterwards, which of course trimmed the smouldering thatch...

Also, his shop was the first place I ever saw anyone buying Durex (well I was only about 10)...

electro-kevin said...

I had exactly this experience in Turkey - then the bastard cranked my neck afterwards so it made a cracking noise.

Believe me though - afterwards it felt great.

The Beast Of Clerkenwell said...

Kev
Apart from your bollocks and face your ears are the only place you have any hair left.
Like Mr Holborn you should be grateful that the cunt stopped at your ears.
OMFG
Word verification is PATIC
swear to god, Google it and Byron

Alan said...

The photographer was a prat. If he had stood further to the left he would have got more of her arse in the mirror behind. Shame.

Bex said...

brillent, sound's like a laugh, maybe I could try that on my brother, the ears on fire thing's :D

pagar said...

What the fuck's going on here.

I'm going to report this Greek arsonist to the Health and Safety Executive.

Can't be legal.

The Grime Reaper said...

pagar said

What the fuck's going on here.

I'm going to report this Greek arsonist to the Health and Safety Executive.

Can't be legal.

they haven't stopped me yet!

Barnsley Bill said...

Outstanding. The ear hairs are still at the soft white downy stage with me but if they follow the same evolutionary bastard pattern as my nose hairs I am going to need this. I swear I am pulling 50 hairs a day out of my nose and the next morning it looks like freaking fly legs poking out..
The other end of course is done with a monthly back, crack and sack wax.. It only bleeds the first 10 or so times. And waxed plums are much more likely to get eaten than hairy ones.....

electro-kevin said...

But he DID go higher than my ears, Beast !

That's the problem.

nomad said...

This is common among many Indian barbers too. After the short back and sides bit you get a fierce head massage which leaves you feeling a bit light headed, followed by a neck and shoulder mangling, followed by a full arms rub and stretch and individual finger pulling to make each knuckle joint crack. Sounds like torture but is really very refreshing and invigorating if done by a chap who knows what he is doing - and all for about a fiver.

Ah, sweet memories of certain parts of the world! [Other than Kentish Town, of course]

Word ver: lacche (nearly right!)

Tomrat said...

This is indeed something the turkish excel at and have seen it done Turk-side.

Fancy it myself - though not from the 11 year old barbers they have working in their shops. How old was this guy again?

Dick Puddlecote said...

electro-kevin: "I had exactly this experience in Turkey - then the bastard cranked my neck afterwards so it made a cracking noise."

Exactly the same experience for me in Bodrum. Amazing how smooth head movements are after that, though I'm glad he didn't warn me before doing it as the thought of the process still scares me to this day!

Had a full shave as described by OH on a separate visit after a Turkish bath. The lemon after shave stung like fuck, and the smell of burnt ear hair is putrid but after all that cleansing, the feeling of utter purity of body lasted a good couple of days.

I'd love it if a Turk barber opened up shop in the (il)Lib (un)Dem Collective Commune of Sutton.

Curly said...

What an excellent way to rid oneself of stubborn ear wax!

electro-kevin said...

I've just invited the BBC to go fuck themselves over the Andrew Sachs issue.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/

If you feel like a dig.

Well if it's good enough for Andrew it's good enough for them.

I'd love to see them try and prosecute me for obscenity.

Thud said...

I tried that earburning nonsense once after a holiday to turkey...what a friggin disaster.

Hairy Arsed Bloke said...

Mmmmmmm.

I wonder if he could help me?

Geoff Hoon said...

Is this the right place to tell the world that I am cunt?

Leon said...

Yup Geoff it certainly is.

Am expecting Rossie and Brand in later as well.

Just say the word Mr Sachs, I'll chew their bollox off.

Anonymous said...

Dont bother Geoff ... its old news.

Anonymous said...

lol watch out you're on /b/

Anonymous said...

link to /b/ discussion now plz

Anonymous said...

Concern for OH (lack of)?

Maybe he has become a farmer. Who's a jammy bastard.

Love that vid.

Old Holborn said...

Still here, just fucking busy.

Anonymous said...

Making festive autumnal toffee apples for the walk?

Claudia Goffe said...

Love this post! :) When you next go to the barbers make sure you ask about oils for your facial hair, or you could get some from www.beyondbeards.comt which is what my brother uses!

Simonclrak said...

Wow, what a fantastic post. The best post around. Thumbs up
Back Sack Crack Wax North London

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