From: Sam Duggs (Ms), Director of Equalities, RBS
To: All staff
Good morning all and welcome to the State sector!
I have been appointed to the board as one of the government's new Executive Directors, to help bring a new direction to RBS as a forward facing institution providing fair and accessible financial services to all citizens who vote New Labour. To achieve this, we need to remind ourselves of our new core values, our social mission statement and our equalities and diversity agenda.
1. Lap dancing clubs are no longer a suitable venue for corporate entertainment. Departmental managers have been allocated block-passes to the new Museum of Menstruation which is currently running an exciting exhibition on the Glory of Hormones, and bank staff will be expected to undertake entertainment duties either at this or similar virtuous and educational venues. I myself studied Menstruation at Penge Womens University and it is fascinating.
2. The drinking of alcohol leads to personal degradation and is no part of the duties of the bank's staff. All alcohol consumption during working hours is henceforth banned. We do not wish to preach but 99% of women raped in pubs have been shown to be drinking. And Rohypnol is an ugly man's best friend.
3. Lunch on expenses may extend to a modest cold refreshment for each person; up to two sandwiches, a bag of crisps and a small bottle of mineral water per person will be considered the norm. Please do not purchase any meat products. Meat is murder.
4. Work-life balance is critical for personal well being. Staff are discouraged from working in excess of thirty hours per week. Women will be encouraged to discover themselves by remote working. A special Interlink thing has been set up from the Haringey Womens Breast Feeding Cooperative to allow new mothers to continue their essential tasks from a mother and baby Pilates session every Tuesday morning.
5. Female staff will no longer be required to sexualise themselves. High heels, hemlines above the patella, exposed cleavage and breast-enhancing brassieres are therefore no longer considered acceptable work dress. Jewellery should be plain and confined to a ring (if in a civl partnership) and a pair of earrings, and makeup is discouraged. Jute is very practical and has been shown to sustain entire communities in rural Shitistan. All religious symbols should be removed unless you are of the Islamic Faith.
6. Departmental managers have been given details of a number of social awareness workshops that staff must attend over the next few months. We have arranged an exciting series of guest speakers including Sylvia Clit from the Haringay Collective who manages debt counselling services to the Herbert Morrison Estate.
7. Stress management sessions have been organised for lunchtime well-being. Aromatherapy, Crystal Healing, Reiki and Nepalese Chanting will be available. A free snack of beansprouts and a nettle 'smoothie' is included.
8. Management consultants with wide experience in the NHS will conduct an immediate remuneration review to ensure that any gender bias in the bank's rewards structures is eliminated. The previous bonus structure has been dismantled. We are working on a gold star system which will allow high achievers to pick ethnically sourced goods from our environmentally aware Menu system.
9. In the interests of gender equality, ties are henceforth banned from the office. Male staff are reminded that in place of expensive Jermyn Street shirts, the bank's own range of Freetrade polyester shirts made by an amputees' co-operative in Mogadishu will be available from the new Freetrade Kiosk in the main building atrium.
10. A makeship mosque has been erected in the car park and calls to prayer will be piped diretly through the PA system.
I am sure you will find the transition into the State sector far less painful than you imagined. For those at risk of transition stress, counselling sessions will be available, free of charge until next March in the new Fidel Castro wing. I will write again shortly with details of the exciting Winterval of Diversity we have planned, including Wind Farm financing, How to Spot a Filthy Capitalist, Vegan Bonds and your guide to Government Minority Funding (hosted by Lee Jasper)
Ms Sam Duggs (Ms) B.A
h/t to Raedwald