Saturday, 6 September 2008

Part THREE - The Nineties

Germany is consistently around ten years behind the UK. Haircuts, politics, you name it. Looking back, this was probably the WORST decade of my life so far.

Firstly let me explain a little to you about the Germans. There is a reason Germans start wars. It’s incredibly simple. They start wars because they are told to. I’d like to take you back a little, well 11 years to be accurate. Life in the UK was all right. Not good, just all right. From a Libertarian perspective it was very good. Anything that is not expressly forbidden was allowed. An Englishman’s home was his castle. He could do pretty much whatever he wanted and when it got too weird, he would be called a loveable eccentric and courted as a midday sun mad Englishman. People left you alone to get on with whatever life you wanted to live.

Germany isn’t like that. It dawned on me pretty fast that Germany is exactly the opposite in fact. Anything that isn’t expressly allowed is simply considered forbidden. And I do mean everything. So of course, I was constantly in trouble with the “authorities”.

A quick side note. The Authorities in Germany are EVERYWHERE. They even have a special council division called the office of Order (Ordnungsamt). This office goes around making sure that you do not have too many kittens or your hedge is cut properly. I am not joking.

But this is what the Germans want. There are so many laws in Germany. Example: It is illegal to have a bath after 10pm, wash your car on your drive or light a bonfire in your garden. It is illegal to do any work in your garden between 12 noon and 3pm. And the Germans love it. If they passed a new law tomorrow stating that everyone must place both feet in a bucket of water at 7am, 99% of Germans would go to work with wet socks. They are the most compliant, obedient and unthinking creatures on the planet. I didn’t notice it at first, and then two things happened.

Breeding. Suddenly I was a father of four children. Three in one year. Hard work. The Twins arrived last and I was visited by the Ordnungsamt.

“Herr Holborn, you have not named your children yet. It has been seven days. You must name them”

“Or what? You’ll do it for me?”

“This is no laughing matter. This is serious”

“OK then, call them both Adolf (they were girls)”

Whilst I was coping with a vast quantity of children (one of them born at 29 weeks weighing less than a bag of sugar and in intensive care for three months 60 miles away), it was noted that I had not swept the path outside my house for more than one week. I was reported to the police (on day 8) and fined. My neighbours had reported me. When questioned by me, the simply shrugged and said “laws are laws”.

Now I understood how the Stasi had recruited 10% of the East German population to work for them, free of charge. When I tried to plant a hedge, I was questioned why?

“Stops people looking in” was my response

“But then you won’t be able to see what everyone is doing!” was the horrified response. Needless to say I grew the tallest hedge in Germany.

Workwise, I was still in computing in Frankfurt but to cut a long story short, my twin brother came to stay and really stayed. I got him a job as a recruitment consultant with a friend and he flourished. Eventually , he set up on his own in the Telecomms field and all hell broke loose. My brother is a complete cunt. Ruthless, egotistical, power crazed and brutal. Before long (three years) the company was turning over £20 million and making vast profits. I was ordered to get back to the UK and help set up the PLC so the thing could be flogged when ready.

I sent the wife back in 1997 and told her to buy a house. She did and I joined her and my kids. Back in blighty. Just as ZNL came to power. This was going to be interesting. A labour government. I’d always voted Liberal as I felt the best place to see the view was the top of a fence but I thought it would at least upset the corrupt and devious Tories I knew.

Money was pouring in, the business was booming, I was working flat out and still the socialist in me would not lie down. The company went from three employees to 450. I made it my duty to look after the employees. In three years, not one single person left. I was determined to be a different boss. Not a capitalist cunt., but a caring sharing mentor developing ethical employees who actually enjoyed working for me. Paying them until their eyes watered, showing them great things and teaching them to be individuals capable of anything. Some of them are still multimillionaires today.

Up to my eyes in kids and work. That was the nineties. Fortunes were made and ZNL looked as though they might have cracked it. How wrong can you be?


Anonymous said...

People left you alone to get on with whatever life you wanted to leave.


Sorry sub-ed at heart.

Rob Farrington said...

With your family history of twins, your girls will probably both end up having sextuplets one day.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Lilith said...

Hilarious, how did I guess about the telecoms? I expect your missus missed the torten and kuchen rather...

Billy Wallace said...

A caring sharing mentor developing ethical employees who actually enjoyed working for me........

that was a nice surprise,

looking forward to finding out how you turned into the ranter of today, or not.

the a&e charge nurse said...

OH - your German experience put me in mind of an incident that I have never forgotten.

I had a girlfriend in Hamburg who I visited during winter.
We were walking back to her place at 2 'clock in the morning and it was absolutely FREEZING.

Anyway, she stopped at the pedestrian traffic lights even though there was neither sight nor sound of any vehicles on the deserted carriage way [admittedly visibility was limited due to a minor blizzard].

Despite chattering teeth I still managed to ask her, "why did you stop" ?

"Der light iz on ret" she intoned in a gutteral teutonic drawl.

I was also amazed that Hamburgers could hop on the underground with minimal staff around [at least in the suburbs] - commuters were expected to obtain train tickets on trust......and they did as well.

Mitch said...

Thats the kind of hive mentality the bastards want here and I will have no part of it.I break their petty rules for fun.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Global Warming Stasi said...

Look - the sun is coming up, we're all going to burn to death! Look - the sun is going down, we're all going to freeze to death!! ARRRGGGHHH!!

woman on a raft said...

Blognor Regis has been chasing down the source of a German punk anthem.
Name das tune

jeflin said...

Talk about whistle blowers.

The Germans can't let people mind their own business, but I guess your brother isn't complaining, considering how much fortune he made there.

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