Monday, 15 September 2008

Hair Shirt Anyone?

A poor UK Slum during the worst recession ever, yesterday

I'm writing this as a response to Filthy Smoker who has gone orf on one over at the Devils Place about a recession not being a good thing.

It’s hair shirt time. And in my opinion about time too.

Let’s have a look at what a recession will bring. Firstly, credit is hard to come by. Unless you have a good record of borrowing money and paying it back, you won’t get it. People are beginning to shout that this is not fair, as they’ve been able to borrow squillions before, buy loads of useless shit and have the odd month off from repaying it. Well, tough. The rules have changed. If you had an ounce of foresight, you would have realised that buying things you can’t afford to pay cash for, using other peoples money is a privilege, not a right.

Yes, your house is full of Argos tat, but you haven’t actually bought it. Other people have. You just used their money to do it and now, you’ll have to capitalise your labour and give the people their money back.

That means:

Little Tyson WON’T be strutting around the playground in £90 trainers this year. He will be wearing Primark plastic trainers that you bought for £6. He WILL survive, trust me. Most of the other kids will be wearing them as well. 99.99% of the kids in the world wear nothing on their feet at all. David Beckham may feel the pinch as his earnings from the mongs who buy his endorsed shit goes down a million or two, but his wife still has her career. He’ll get by.

You will not be able to take the entire family and Nanna to Disneyland twice a year and put it on the plastic. Trust me, this is a good thing. Eventually, your children are going to have to earn their own money and if you have been teaching them that spunking every penny you have up the wall is a good policy, they have been ill advised and are in for a large shock later in life. 99.99% of the worlds children do not know what a Disneyland is or have any need to know. Spend the money paying back a bit of last years lager fuelled bender to Benidorm before you start spending even more of other peoples money.

You will have to sell your Saxo wiv da big exhaust and get the bus. Yep. Tragic isn’t it? No more wheelspins away from the lights wiv ya crew in da back, trying to get that bird with the tattoo on her tits to shag you. If you want her to shag you, be nice to her, be attentive to her needs and show her you care. Handbrake turns are not romantic.

You may have to cook some food. This is a hard one. 99.99% of the world has managed it but somehow, life without the “ding dong” of the Dominoes Pizza man (with free Cola) arriving at your abode everynight, spilling out utter shite for you to eat on your laps whilst watching the Simpsons is actually not a bad thing. If you can save up £100 (without immediately spending it on a PS3 game or a handbag) you could buy a dining table and some chairs. Then, you could sit as a family and eat together. Maybe some of you could talk about stuff. Decide things as a family, plan days out together and get to know the other people who live in your house. You can buy food in markets. Those shouty blokes waving green stuff in your face as you head to the Bingo are actually selling fresh food. All you have to do is cover it in salt and sugar and boil it for an hour. Then sit down at your table and eat it. Topped with lard for all I care

Your house. This is a hard one, because some of you saw stuff on Sky and thought you had to have it. So that hot tub you bought on the Barclaycard and have used twice (both times to invite your wife’s mates over, although you weren’t so keen when they brought their slimmer hubbies and your missus whipped her tits out, were you?) and was a snip at £4K didn’t actually ADD £4K to the value of your house. In fact, it turns out that spending £20K on patio heaters, a ride on lawn mower, a “chiminea” and koi carp has actually brought no return at all. Apart from more letters offering “consolidation loans” secured on your foreskin.

A recession means you will have to live within your means. It means that you can no longer spend money you have not earned. Just like the rest of the planet in fact. It can be done. The rest of the planet manages to do it, so can you

OH’s 10 money saving tips for poor people who don’t realise they are poor yet (but fucking will, soon enough)

1.Stop spending money
2.Cook and eat food yourself
3.Don’t go to Menorca with Nanna on shit holidays you cannot afford
4.Stop trying to keep up with the fucking Joneses who are just as fucking skint as you
5.Get the bus
6.Life is short. Do stuff that doesn’t cost money. A walk with the kids
for example
7.Put a jumper on
8.Get a bike
9.Stop pretending to be rich. There is no shame in poor but honest. Even if you lost everything, you still have more than most of the planet. Which is why half the bastard planet is trying to get here in the back of lorries.
10.Tanning/nail studios are the work of the devil. Stay away from them
Go and look at some really poor people (the Scottish or Welsh is a good place to start) and you may just understand that it doesn’t matter what other people think. Including me. You've been sold fools gold and it ain't the end of the world. Anyway, serves you right for voting Labour, you tossers


merrsh1 said...

Spot on.

Where I live its unbelievable all the shit people have. Knowing the average wage in the North East I find it unbelievable that its bought and paid for.

I earn good dosh and I bank the lot. Buy nothing on credit and watch every penny.

Guy I work with just bought a fucking porsche to drive to work in!

Hair shirt? Most wont be able to afford them they'll have to sell the shirt or rent out their arse.

Barnsley Bill said...

excellent post sir.

Rick said...

Fuck them all. I hope they starve to death. Not much nutritional value in a Nintendo Wii.

Rob Farrington said...

Heh, pure genius! Just what I'd say, except that I'm not as erm...what's that word for being 'good with words', again?

By the way, do you have green skin, pointy ears, and a lightsabre?

If not, then you should have. well, OK - maybe just the lightsabre.

SaltedSlug said...

Formidable post, OH.
I'm almost looking forward to seeing the look on the faces of the feckless untermenschen when they realise the scale of their predicament.

It is for their own good after all.

TBRRob said...

An excellent post. Explains it all really.

Call me Infidel said...

Superb post. Some time back I read an article about the long term crisis facing Britain with it's unaffordable welfare system. I have watched with mounting horror the way that people have increasingly lived beyond their means. They are in for some real pain. I used to live next door to a family of low life work dodgers. They had a huge tv, two cars, jet ski, satellite and went on holiday at least twice a year. It baffled me as to how Britain could afford this lunacy. Well obviously we can't. Sadly I don't think any of our politicians have the balls it needs to cut the the funding to these wasters. Maybe though they wont have a choice. Batten down the hatches chaps it's going to get rough!

Anonymous said...

Most of the people shitting themselves around these parts are the middle class second home,pony club hooray Henry types, up to their fucking eyeballs in equity withdrawal, thats why the mainstream media is in such a tizzy.
Us peasants have been skint for years y'know

Barnsley Bill said...

OH, could you please email me.

I would like to reproduce this down at my place (with credits obviously)
But I want to discuss offline first.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

If only politicians had the balls to say this.

former tory said...

Bullseye. And eloquently put.

electro-kevin said...

I've eschewed credit as much as possible and it's been really embarassing how much lower our standard of living is to people who actually earn less than us.

I gross 30% above average but without credit one has still had to be very careful literally to the point of counting pennies at times.

What I'm really worried about is that Za Nu Lab will do its wealth redistribution thing and force me to pay for everyone else's greed through devious taxation. 40 billion towards bailing out greedy house buyers sounds like an ominous start to the recession (depression ?).

Yes - an excellent post and readers will confirm that I've been praying for recession for over two years now (actually it's five). This is for all of the reasons you have outlined so succinctly and comically here but mainly because I want payback for all the times my nose has been rubbed in it with sarky comments and overt insult.

Most of the problems Britain faces are down to a huge amount of arrogance displayed by mediocre people without any reason to justify their arrogance other than a credit card. This is at the root of the rudeness and incivility we witness everywhere.

If it seems like I've bragged about myself on these pages then I appologise. I'm at the end of my tether with being looked down on by people who haven't bothered to learn things or test themselves.

And finally...

the XL customers stranded at holiday destinations. I guess that many of these people were those realising that the good times were coming to an end but having a last fling on the plastic, "Well we've earned it."

They didn't realise just how bad this is all going to get. Well they fucking do now.

electro-kevin said...

I'm copying this with credits too - it's great.

email me like Barnsley here if you object.

Also I have a great post about my brother who has just slayed a commie school teacher by the sound of things.

patently said...

...All you have to do is cover it in salt and sugar and boil it for an hour...

...serves you right for voting Labour, you tossers...

Priceless; perfectly put. (and other alliterative compliments)

EmmaK said...

Little Tyson WON’T be strutting around the playground in £90 trainers this year

have a heart, without their designer labels what would the proletariat have to live for? I mean, who would David Beckham be for example without a designer label dangling from every orifice. I think he should set a role model for the kids and start wearing the primark trainers too

idle said...

OH speaks wisely.

When Cameron turns out to be a fatter version of Blair, with a slightly less annoying wife, I intend to launch the No Nonsense Party.

I hope that OH will lend his sagacity and liquidity to the East Anglian division.

Old Holborn said...

Idle, he will

And that is a promise.

I own my own business, am credit free and hate pretty much everyone

No cunt can touch me.

Billy Wallace said...

Brilliant post O.H.
When is the book coming out?
By the way I’m the dyslexic one.
I’m not the writing type but watch a lot
More a people watcher, okay then, a nosey bastard.

I’m not a PR man but your walk blog needs up dating,

Oswald Bastable said...

Same story here in New Zealand.

While I'm driving around town working, I watch the poor out having a few beers on the front porch, taking a well-earned break from the frickin' playstation3.

They can barely find the strength to waddle back inside to watch satellite TV.

It must be bloody hard for them in a small rural town, where the takeaways don't deliver and there are no taxis...

BTW- got the link from Barnsley Bill!

John Pickworth said...

Inspired... and perfectly capturing Generation SkyTV and their 'give me' attitude to everything.

Pity they'll be no jobs for these fools when they realise they're bust.

Gaz said...

Well the credit party is over - good. I've binged too much on HP this last 5 years, it was making me sick. I almost lost my way. I declared myself bankrupt last month - I guess the judge will demand I pay £1 a week out of my hard earned unemployment benefit for the rest of my life, shame..

Samson , my pit bull, had fun with the repossessor's though, almost managed to chew off one guys timberlands - until they shot him with a sedative dart (I got him on my second Egg card you see..)

Sales are on the up though, my investment in an indoor flourescent rig (courtesy of Barclaycard) has seen my turnover in the finest green giggle weed almost double! Since all this depression talk people have turned to me to make them feel good and I am only to happy to oblige.

I'll be off now, it's almost opening time at my local and i've got a lot of form to study in today's Gold Cup at Ayr.

By the way, I'm an arsehole cunt before you ask.

Thud said...

driving from builders yard to job etc on merseyside I have never been able to understand who pays for all the stuff I see...nobody here seems to work...yet I'm always short of roofers and plasterers....lazy bastards.

DutchGuy said...

Superb article. And eerily similar to certain groups in the Netherlands. What pisses me off the most is the fact that they even think they have the "right" to go on a holiday, to have a big TV and so on. And stupid politicians (and labor union morons) cater to them too.

What I really don't understand how this got to be and the whole "standard of living" thing. As you rightly pointed out, it's so incredibly empty and moronic.

As for the takeaway pizza and home cooking, for a far more reasonable price than that awful Domino shit I can get quality stuff at my local supermarket. Even if you're too lazy too cook or don't want to spend too much time on it, you can still have healthy and tasty meals without it costing too much.

That's the bottom line in this mess; lazy stupid people buying worthless stuff and getting only empty satisfaction out of it. And now it's time to pay.

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