Wednesday, 17 September 2008

First they came for the smokers

The worlds most ugly mushroom
Now they are coming for the drinkers.

Ueber Comrade Dawn Primarolo has decided that people who drink are a problem that the Government must solve. Via Pravda, the proletariat are instructed to pack it up. If only it were that simple. I could just simply tell her to ram a broken bottle up her arse, sideways. But no, money (our money) needs to be spent to tell us what TYPE of drinker we are.

Yep, full blown psychoanalysis has been performed and drinkers fall into 9 categories. Badges will be issued in due course no doubt.

For those who have the slightest interest in what the Politburo thinks of you, results are:


Depressed drinker
Life in a state of crisis eg recently bereaved, divorced or in financial crisis
Alcohol is a comforter and a form of self-medication used to help them cope


De-stress drinker
Pressurised job or stressful home life leads to feelings of being out of control and burdened with responsibility
Alcohol is used to relax, unwind and calm down and to gain a sense of control when switching between work and personal life. Partners often support or reinforce behaviour by preparing drinks for them


Re-bonding drinker
Relevant to those with a very busy social calendar
Alcohol is the ‘shared connector' that unifies and gets them on the same level. They often forget the time and the amount they are consuming


Conformist drinker
Traditional guys who believe that going to the pub every night is ‘what men do'
Justify it as ‘me time'. The pub is their second home and they feel a strong sense of belonging and acceptance within this environment


Community drinker
Drink in fairly large social friendship groups
The sense of community forged through the pub-group. Drinking provides a sense of safety and security and gives their lives meaning. It also acts a social network


Boredom drinker
Typically single mums or recent divorcees with restricted social life
Drinking is company, making up for an absence of people. Drinking marks the end of the day, perhaps following the completion of chores


Macho drinker
Often feeling under-valued, disempowered and frustrated in important areas of their life
Have actively cultivated a strong ‘alpha male' that revolves around their drinking ‘prowess'. Drinking is driven by a constant need to assert their masculinity and status to themselves and others


Hedonistic drinker
Single, divorced and/or with grown up children
Drinking excessively is a way of visibly expressing their independence, freedom and ‘youthfulness' to themselves. Alcohol used to release inhibitions



Border dependents
Men who effectively live in the pub which, for them, is very much a home from home
A combination of motives, including boredom, the need to conform, and a general sense of malaise in their lives

You stupid cunts.

Now, what was the point of all that then? Obvious really. Dawn would rather that you didn’t drink. Or smoke. Or do anything that might cost the government any money, money sorely needed to fund their bizarre agenda. Tesco’s recently gave INGSOC all the loyalty card data, so they KNOW what you drink and frankly, they are shocked!

What they have forgotten are that most people drink because they like getting pissed and forgetting that the State just sees them as a resource to be harvested. And getting pissed is a laugh.

Now, I like my drink. I like a bottle of wine with a meal. I like a pint or three of good ale in a pub with a wheezy Labrador hovering up crisps from beneath my feet and a pert arsed barmaid and I like a glass of port with good cheese. I like a crisp sancerre or muscadet with my oysters and a cold Pils on a hot summers day. Yet I don’t seem to fall into any of the new “categories” that INGSOC have decided we must belong to.



Over 900,000 households will receive leaflets through the post highlighting the link between drinking and conditions such as cancer and liver disease.




I know drinking is not good for me. You don’t need to stuff a fucking leaflet through my door, you fucktards. Leave me alone. I am not harming anybody other than my own liver and I pay medical insurance in case I need a new one.

Meanwhile, Pravda are reporting that the reason your average wife beating, heroin addled, Buckfast for breakfast psychotic porridge wog has a life expectancy of 36 years is because…wait for it…..the sun doesn’t shine very much in Scotland.

Just fuck off. All of you. Get your slithering tentacles out of my daily life. I will drink, smoke and rape the cat as much as I fucking like.

23 comments:

SaltedSlug said...

Over 900,000 households will receive leaflets through the post highlighting the link between drinking and conditions such as cancer and liver disease.

God I wish there was a link between cancer and utter uselessness. Some kind of Darwinian process which pared away the endemic twattery which is polluting the country.

Bobsheadrevisited said...

Bastards.
Where is the 'Happy drinker'?

Characteristics: happy because he's out with friends drinking. Likes the taste of booze and the effect it has on him. Thinks it is no else's business (unless it's their round). Likely to stagger home singing ridiculous sea shanties. On arriving home wearing a kebab he will not be able to find his keys and will wake up girlfriend even though keys were in pocket all along. Likely to be unpopular.

Key motivations: getting smashed and talking bollocks in their favourite pub becuase it is one of the finest ways to spend an evening and no one's business but theirs.

EmmaK said...

Pity they don't suggest what people are meant to do instead of drinking. Also, have they thought abbout how much the birth rate will plummet if you take 'beer goggle conceptions' out of the equation?

idle said...

The Drinker's Drinker:

Plans ahead, generous quantity, operates a Full Bar before and after dinner, produces imaginative and good quality wines for his guests. Never puts a top back on a bottle until all guests have departed at a time of their choosing.

The Cuntish Drinker:

Accepts all the hospitality going from the Drinker's Drinker, but then, when inviting the DD to dinner, produces own brand spirits, flat mixers, no limes, not enough ice, cava, valpollyfiller, thin sour red, ruby port. Has never heard of pudding wine or single malt.

A cunt, in short.

Red Dawn Primarolo Drinker:

Doesn't drink.

Old Holborn said...

I'll be the Drinker's Drinker then.

No dry old do's at Farqham Hall. From Pineau to Jagermeister, no taste is left wanting.

Except Lambrini.

(There are even a few bottles of Bacardi Breezers somewhere in the cellar in case some Jehovahs Witness Yummy Mummy pops by and tries to convince me of the end of the world.)

Rick said...

Actually, I'm a porage wog, not a porridge wog! So, we get lectured about smoking, our diet and now the demon drink. If they start on wanking I'll be forced to emigrate. The cunts.

electro-kevin said...

"Just fuck off. All of you. Get your slithering tentacles out of my daily life. I will drink, smoke and rape the cat as much as I fucking like."

OBJECTION ! This is disgusting, Old Holborn.


I find that smoke gets in my hair - that's why I don't like it.

Lilith said...

Excuse me Kev, but how does smoke "get in your hair"? You have one of those handy wipe and go hair do's. Bloody gets in mine though.

My first thought was "I am none of those". I am a DD in the sense that I take something decent to dinner with friends. Pisses me off when they open all the other crap first and I'm driving. I have one friend who only drinks nasty white wine. I don't provide for him when he comes to supper...it took a while for him to cotton on. He now brings his own and leaves 2/3 of the bottle when he goes. Usually it is not even fit for a weekday risotto. I don't know what kind of drinker you'd call him....

Anonymous said...

The City Drinker

Drinks in posh Canary Wharf wine bars while meeting recruitment agents, desperately figuring out how to find a source of income to pay the docklands mortgage after their employer goes belly up.

Anonymous said...

Never trust a man who doesn't drink - he's got some other vice he's hiding.

Oh - and he'll be a cunt as well.

Fuck New Labour. They've stolen my country they've stolen my money. They try to steal my voice and now they want to steal my pleasures as well.

I always hated Thatcher but this bunch are in a different league all together.



Cheers CJ

Mark Wadsworth said...

I think 'de-stress drinker' comes closest to me, only i enjoy my job and my home life. I just like drinking, is all.

And I have unashamedly chavvish drinking tastes.

So there.

woman on a raft said...

Life in a state of crisis eg recently bereaved, divorced or in financial crisis. Alcohol is a comforter and a form of self-medication used to help them cope

She'll be able to test audience response the leaflets in the bars of the GMEX at the ZNL at the conference, then.

Anonymous said...

Hey you lot just because I dont drink it doesn't mean Iam like that cow Red Dawn the post office killer,I want these bastards out as much as you lot,the sooner the better,you want to drink I have a drink of non alco along with you,so there.

idle said...

Someone spike anon's ribena, please.

Call me Infidel said...

I believe it was that bastion of Australian diplomacy Dr. Sir Leslie Colin Patterson KBE, vd and scar who said "Never trust a man who doesn't drink" he did add however "Though he may not throw up in your kitchen sink" wise words from the great man.

Oswald Bastable said...

Look at cultures that forbid alcohol.

Loony tunes the lot of them!

Are you allowed to distill your own over there?- hang on- silly question...

Guthrum said...

Have we not been driven to drink !, (in fact I had arrived early, parked the car and stood the first round)

terence bull said...

I start the day with half a bottle of brandy, half a pint of double cream in a pint glass, topped up with strong coffee. Oh, and plenty of bacon butties.

After this I can tollerate people...just.

Henry Crun said...

There is an upside; if no-one is allowed to drink any more fat and/or ugly women would no longer get pregnant - it would mean the extinction of the chav.

Or could it just be that chavs are just not fussy.

Dave said...

Fuck them alll!!!!
http://www.northantset.co.uk/kettering/I-was-fined-for-littering.4503356.jp#3246872

adam said...

she should have been sacked already for announcing that she was going to steralise all the children in britain as a solution to teen pregnancy.

stupid cow

adam said...

i bet there is a link between a terrible government that wont go away and people being driven to drink.

woman on a raft said...

Primarolo is a pain, but she did not do what Adam at 15:09 says. That's a strange piece of spin which keeps popping up.

Primarolo wants absent minded chavettes who are generous with their favours to be offered the longer-working contraceptives of injection or implants. Those are individual clinical decisions because they are not suitable for everyone, but she wants doctors to at least look at the possibility. Nothing compulsory about it. Those methods offer no protection against the spread of diseases, but Primarolo was looking specifically at the teenage pregnancy rate.

That entire argument is huge - it also brings some very strange people out of both ends of the woodwork, from popes to paedophiles, all with their own agendas, built on which part of society they are most interested in. I, for example, always put in a word here for Mrs Gillick who was given an pasting for suggesting that there is an inconsistency between having an age of consent but then providing contraception for under-16s but crucially without their parent(s) knowledge. It was always about knowledge, not the contraception itself. Mrs G argued that after the child themselves, the person(s) who have the next greatest interest in the sexual behaviour of a minor is its (oh, c'mon, her) parents. It will come as no surprise on this blog to find that the state disagrees. It knows best, and its agents, the doctors, are best placed to express the child's interest, it ruled.

That's the background. At that exact moment, Fay Weldon - who is usually regarded as a feminist writer but also a frootloop and mischief-maker - had a new book to push and a deadline for a column in the Mail.

It was Weldon, not Primarolo, who picked up the theme and riffed on it, musing that it amounted to a sinister government plot for "sterilising girls for a lengthy period of time". It isn't always easy to tell what point Weldon is making, but she may have expected to engage the Mail-readers' natural dislike of state interference and tried to do so by the classic satire of reduction to the absurd.

She carried on to argue why this would, in fact, be a good thing. It is nearely impossible to tell if this was a straight piece of opinion (unlikely, it was all over the place) or a Weldon winding up the audience by playing back to them some of their favourite mantras, leading them gently up the garden path until she had them agreeing that girls under 20 should be forcibly sterilized and that in the interests of gender equality, boys under 20 should have a reversible vasectomy: "Perhaps the Government should start thinking about how that would work".

If she hoped that the audience would shriek and reject such government inteference, she was sorely disappointed. Young women respondents were as enthusiastic about sterilizing other people as any 20th century eugenicist arguing that what the disabled/Jews/aboriginals/indians/bleks needed was sterilizing for their own good.

They made the Chinese government programme of coerced sterilization look positively honest; at least China doesn't pretend to be doing the women a favour and is blunt about its methods of population control.

The final summary, then: Primarolo saying something half-way sensible is picked up by mischievous author. When the Mail audience read it, they show their intensely right-wing authoritarian impulses and why they prefer their dhimmitude rather than freedom. Primarolo remains a bitch, but this episode doesn't illustrate it.

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