So, let’s have a think about the things that were really good, fun, harmless, heartwarming, put a smile on your face when you were a kid and now our kids will never even know.
Getting up to all sorts of shit when stuck in the car with a bag of crisps and a bottle of lemonade whilst your parents were in the pub.
For the younger ones amongst you, children weren’t allowed in pubs, because people hated children and went to the pub to smoke, drink, have the occasional fight, avoid their wives and argue and get drunk. The very thought of a child in a pub was abhorrent , let alone special pubs for children with ‘activity rooms, baby changing facilities, a children’s menu, outdoor playground with swings, fucking Donald duck painted on the bastard walls and a plastic ball pit.
Fucking about at the beach
Back then, going to the sea side was a treat, not a punishment from your probation officer. Your parents (for any black kids reading, that’s your mum and a man she once met. For any children of transgenders/gay couples/ civil ceremonies or whatever, just look at some old photographs, I’m not going there). You’d be thrown out of the car, have to get changed under an old towel used for cleaning the dog whilst your siblings threw rocks at you in minus 7 degrees and you would fuck about in that big blue cold thing called the sea. Before the health and safety barriers were put up and the Paedo obsessed patrols marched up and down the beach looking for a man to set fire to. Your mum and dad would argue all the time and you could wander off all day without an air and sea rescue mission being launched.
Fucking about in the park
Again, when your parents wanted to argue properly, you would be booted out to go to the park, with the dog. You would get on your bike, that had no brakes and go to the park. The park had grass and a swing that if you fell off, you became the proud owner of a scar. No one molested you, you were not offered Special Brew or heroin or converted to Islam. You would have to dodge the dogshit (which was white) and it was socially acceptable to climb trees and throw conkers at girls. If there was a park keeper, it was job to let the tyres down on his van, not stab him coz he wuz on yur turf, innit.
Before we had a Tescos instead of a town centre, we used to have a town centre. Your parents could buy flour, eggs, milk, butter and sugar and make a cake. That required mixing it all in a bowl and if you didn't seriously piss your mum off, you got to lick out the bowl. By magic, about an hour later, a cake had appeared in your house and you got to nick a slice a day for a week and you could eat it (get a plate, you little shit!) in front of a television that wasn't showing dwarf porn live from Seattle. Cartoons consisted of Tom and Jerry. There were no chicken nuggets, turkey twizzlers, blue energy fizzy spunk, kofta halal kebabs and pizzas were for the cowardly Italians who changed sides in the war and all their tanks had one forward gear, five reverse. You ate what was on your plate. All of it. Or you were beaten to death and sent to bed.
Books, comics, bird watching and playing with bonfires. These were things you did when there was nothing on the telly (yes, there really was nothing on sometimes except a picture of an ugly child holding some voodoo doll).
Evil Child and voodoo doll used to brainwash the unemployed and bored children
Anybody got any more?