Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Armed to the fucking teeth, but Neutral!

The streets of Cardiff yesterday

I realise and understand the Great Britain has a terrific history of inflicting violence on just about the entire planet and the upper classes turned it in to a fine art (using poor people to do the actual violence of course) during the last three hundred years. This tradition continues today with our Stella fuelled sunburned slapheads rampaging through the quaint market squares of Europe, punching swarthy people enjoying a late night coffee or some tapas with family and friends.

Our fighting regiments were feared. The Scots and the Welsh particularly saw murdering fuzzy wuzzies or Krauts as a right of passage to incapacity benefit, an early pension, post traumatic stress disorders, alcoholism and wife beating. Northerners, fit for nothing else signed up in their millions. Plus of course the infamous 13th Essex Dog Stranglers Regiment of Basildon. Their officers, well practiced in the subtle art of torture, intimidation and gratuitous cruelty from a public school education were happy to lead them wherever they were needed to keep the natives quiet/dead.

We now have our troops in two theatres of war basically as proxys for the Americans and the body count is rising. Our military, once the source of great pride, is so underfunded and hopelessly demotivated that not even the Welsh will sign up for it. The current situation in Georgia is more than likely to be another theatre where the Americans get to do all the shouting and oil grabbing whilst Nato troops do all the fighting (well British troops do all the fighting whilst the French hide and the Germans guard the canteens) and whilst I appreciate a gallon of diesel just as much as the next man, I have to say I cannot see the point of it.

So I propose that we do what those smart Swiss people do. Tell everyone to fuck off and mind their own business. Give anyone with a record of paying tax a nice shiny gun to keep in the Everest Conservatory, next to the golf clubs and the shit wicker furniture, train them how to pop a cap in some mofo’s ass from 50 yards and declare ourselves neutral. But nuclear weapons type of neutral. Stonking great fuck off aircraft carrier, Polaris armed subs type of neutral.

The Yanks won’t like it but then frankly who cares? What will they do? Buy less fish and chips? The French won’t like it because whilst they get the Foreign legion (full of dysfunctional Irish, dishonourably discharged Scots and a few other loons) to do any fighting, they won’t be able to rely on Tommy to go where there is no soap or lavender hand lotion and do the actual dirty stuff. Germans won’t like it because they know that once they actually start killing people, they find they have a talent for it and can’t stop. Italians will need more places to hide and the Dutch are all dope smoking vegans with degrees from Den Haag university in asset management.

So, if the yanks want to start wars with everyone over oil, they can damn well do their own fighting (which they are notoriously bad at). We, the British people, will look after Britain if it’s all the same to you lot. Save an absolute fortune, stop worrying about hook nosed ‘stanis and still suck up the oil like every other country without any of the hassle of cluster bombing goat herders.

Armed Neutrality. The Libertarian Way to keep the barbarian hoards at bay.
(plus we get to keep a gun in our houses. That'll fuck the cider fuelled feral rat boys who want to kick in the front door, nick your 42" plasma, anally rape your daughter, shit on your carpet and kick you to death in front of the wife as you do the Times crossword of an evening)

10 comments:

Mark Wadsworth said...

Agreed. Before we dream up any new strategy, always look at what the Swiss have been doing for 800 years or so and see if it's worth copying.

Mark Wadsworth said...

As an afterthought, we should keep the Army going (as a home for Brits who enjoy trouble) and sub-contract it out on a white label basis, daily rates £500 per day per soldier plus risk surcharge.

Old Holborn said...

We could send this little lot to Georgia

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7553795.stm

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Would you really trust the average Brit with a firearm, though? Even someone who actually paid tax?

Bobsheadrevisited said...

There are six million Swiss and two million have guns in their homes, including over a million automatic and pistols combined.

Gun crime levels are so low in Switzerland that statistics are not even kept.

There is no standing army but most blokes have to do their national service for around a week a year, including lots of target practice.

Troops between the ages of twenty one and thirty two are given an automatic rifle with full ammunition and told to keep it at home.

After they reach thirty-two they are given a bolt-action rifle.

Don't fuck with the Swiss.

45govt said...

Obnoxio -" Would you really trust the average Brit with a firearm, though? Even someone who actually paid tax?"

Yes, because he'll know everyone else is likely to have one. An armed society is a polite society. Just check the figures in the US states which have enacted "shall issue" laws.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

I'm all for it. Where do I sign?

Bemused Wolf said...

I'll take some of that too! I've always been against legalising guns in the UK, until I actually thought about it..

So, where do we sign?

Old Holborn said...

Could you imagine any government treating us like the complete cunts that Labour do in the knowledge that millions of it's citizens are armed?

The State should be afraid of it's citizens not the other way round.

Guido Fawkes said...

Im well up for it. Do we get to pick our own weapon systems.

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