Wednesday, 23 July 2008

BBC Licencing Department

The Reichstag this morning

Farqham Hall

Dear Sirs/Madams/ Transgenders

It has been brought to my attention by some computer generated abuse from your good selves in the snailmail this morning that you wish me to pay a not inconsiderable sum for your services, which I neither use nor require.

In a bid to understand exactly what it is you purport to offer, I had a look at the listings online. Ye Gods. You really have lost the plot haven’t you? Do you really think you can charge people real money for atrocious drivel that you pollute the airwaves with? I am somewhat renowned for my over active bile duct but I can honestly say that the services of a travelling coconut shy, fronted by a Romany toothless old hag smelling of lucky heather are more appealing for the pound in my pocket than you lot. What the hell are you spending all that money on?

Apart from the fact that you receive your income from the public, you insist on believing that it is the Government that pays your wages. What other reason could there possibly be for the likes of Nick Robinson felching over the current bunch of thieves, crooks and wandering minstrels in power or placing that well known champagne socialist/cock sucker Polly Toynbee on OUR screens? You do understand that a television is a highly valued object here at Farqham Hall and will only take so many housebricks being thrown at it before it goes the way of British Industry or Northern Rock?

I digress. Needless to say, I didn’t order celebrity pig wanking, Noel fucking Edmonds, the Telly Tubbies, ethnically adjusted news readers or Barbara Bastard Windsor into my castle and therefore see no reason why you should expect me to keep them in the style to which you have made them accustomed. I no longer require a licence as I no longer require a Television, spouting grain harvest figures or tractor production direct from New Labour 24/7. I no longer need to see whether Peaches Geldof is wearing any knickers as she climbs out of a taxi and I certainly no longer need to see endless reports, live from Karachi, telling me to buy organic Halal meat as it is healthier for me (and drink less, stop smoking, brush your teeth and eat up all your greens).

In the same way I have not ordered nor require Dwarf Porn, curry Pizzas, Kentucky Fried Chicken or raw sewage pumped into my house, I no longer require (nor indeed, ever did) your slurry. Please take this letter as cancellation of my use of the TV. Oh, and don’t use the argument that because I can receive the BBC, I should pay for it. I could use the same argument about my energy suppliers and yet only one bills me every month.

I remain completely disobedient and your master.

Old Holborn

PS: Let me know when you have something that I might like to watch and I’ll consider paying to watch it. Until then, keep awarding yourselves pay rises, bonuses, jolly days out to Beijing to watch the under 14 girls gymnastics, employing all your darling nieces and nephews, fresh out of South Upminster University. Like Labour, you will eventually run out of other people’s money. "sail on by" my fat, hairy arse.

"This is the BBC. Do as you are fucking well told. Do not go out, eat all your greens, stop drinking and smoking. This is for YOUR benefit This has been a Public Service Announcement on behalf Of ZaNuLabour. Thank You *fizzle*"


Snowolf said...

I'd never reflected on the energy providers argument before.

BBC- Just make it fucking subscription, you can stick Brain Stem DeathEnders up your arse, swiftly followed by Celebrity Car Boot Sale Antique Jam Making House Action (with behind the scenes footage on BBC3 and Iplayer).

max the impaler said...

Both barrels old it.

Lilith said...

Excellent, Lord Farkham!

TheFatBigot said...

Celebrity pig wanking justifies the telly tax for me.

Billy Wallace said...


Glenn Ibbitson said...

You didn't mention the two reasons why I gave up on my TV five years ago;
Jeremy [Germy] Clarkson and Stephen Fry [him over a raging fire]!!
Don't even get me started on Radio 4...

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